Bodhi

by A. R. Hadley

  He removed the cap and wiped his forehead with his shirt, exposing a faint trail of hair on his abdomen, and then he took her shoes and his hat and tossed them onto the sand.

  “Hey!”

  “We'll come back for them. And I want to hold your hand.”

  Her body stilled. She swallowed that fucking lump of mud and shut off the valve of tears threatening to leak. As he laced his fingers through hers, her entire body turned to Jell-O. She hadn’t expected to feel such a profound sense of relief from the contact.

  The universe spoke via their hands and fingerprints and skin — and this time, she would pay better attention and listen to what it said.

  “You made amends with your son?”

  “We built a bridge. We mostly have holidays and birthdays together. Michael continues to have his limits.”

  She laughed.

  “Why is that funny?”

  “Because you, Gavin. Don’t you see the irony? You live in a world that thrives on limits.”

  He shook his head and smiled. “Do you still play?”

  “Are we doing this right now? Total honesty?”

  “I said I wanted to give you that when we met, ‘open communication,’ but I kept parts of myself from you. I was selfish.”

  “I haven't ... what we had ... what we did together…”

  “It’s okay, baby girl. Take your time.”

  “When I left it wasn’t because I stopped loving you.” Audrey sighed, and Gavin brushed a thumb across her cheek and smiled.

  “All along … I was safe with you. I should’ve trusted you that day. But I panicked. And everything we’d been doing suddenly felt extreme — especially compared to my mom life. I started being afraid of having it all and balancing the two. But I miss it. I miss you. And I haven't found or searched for anyone who...” She trailed off, the damn mud thickening in her throat again.

  “I dabble but mostly outside the dungeon. I gave it to Peyton.”

  “Gave what to Peyton?”

  “The dungeon. I own it. He runs it. I rarely play there.”

  “Why?”

  “I want other things too. And some people in the lifestyle, like you said, they want both — a sense of vanilla with their kink. I needed a home, a place my grandson could visit. I lived out of the fucking place for too long. It was never supposed to be where I slept. What I set out to do at Bodhi, I did … we did.” And she knew he was thinking of Harper. “I just came to realize I didn’t need to keep experiencing it the way I’d originally envisioned in order to be satisfied.”

  Gavin paused and looked at the skies. The sun was gone, but it’s light hadn’t quite dimmed. “What do you want, Audrey? I’ve wished to ask you that question for a long time. I thought you wanted a man who could give you everything: flowers, baseball games, family dinners.”

  “Turns out you like baseball games.”

  He grinned, but then as quickly as his smile had appeared, it faded. “I didn’t want to hurt you again.”

  “I found out, or I accepted, no man can give me everything, Gavin.”

  “I just want you, Audrey.” He closed his eyes, squeezed her palm, and when he opened them, he said, “I want to meet your family.”

  “Jesus, Gavin.”

  “Yeah, Jesus may have had a lot to do with it.”

  She laughed.

  “Did giving the dungeon to Peyton have anything to do with … well, I mean did you feel ashamed of the lifestyle after the baby came? Because of Michael? Did you think what you were doing there was wrong?”

  “No. I don't. It's not wrong. You know that in your heart.” He slid a finger across her chin, and she nodded in agreement, leaning her face into his caress. “But I do have to respect my son. And while he can’t dictate how I live my life or give me ultimatums, I do allow this concession because I want him in my life and because I know I can be fulfilled without the everyday or every single weekend activity. I wasn't happy there when you met me. The dungeon had become static, and pushing you became an extreme sport I needed to excel at.”

  “But you ... what about Peyton? You still—?”

  “I see Peyton,” he said, and Audrey heard what that meant in his voice, saw what it meant in his eyes. “I know you speak to Kate.”

  “We don’t discuss the G word.”

  “I haven't had... I haven't collared anyone, Audrey.”

  “I still have it.”

  “I want to put it on you.”

  “This is too fast.”

  “It feels like a day hasn't gone by. Kate only stays quiet because I beg her to, Audrey. She knows how much I love you.”

  Audrey couldn’t feel her legs. Goose bumps ran through her body. Warmth spread to her head, her cheeks.

  “It felt like a million have gone by. But being with you now makes it seem like it all happened yesterday,” she said, her eyes reflecting her I love you … or she hoped. “What if we hadn’t run into each other today?”

  “What if the apostle Paul hadn’t been on the road to Damascus?”

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Gavin fucking Sellers. How could he have known she’d thought about that?

  Audrey shivered.

  He touched her cheek. “This feels like old times.”

  “I don't want old times. I want new.”

  “What we have … our connection … it feels old and new. I'm still me.” He smiled wickedly. “We ... trying to balance a home life, especially one with kids, and be in the community — it’s new for you. The most important thing to remember is that we need this too.” He lifted their bound hands. “We need transparency and balance.”

  “What if something happens? Even like this?” She glanced at their intertwined fingers — the wish to hold his hand through fire, while climbing mountains, across deserts, never stronger. “What if I...?”

  “You mean…” Without releasing her palm, he reached up and caressed her ear, her jawline, then her bottom lip. His eyes were full of love and piety, godlikeness. She knew she’d pleased him. “What if you break open?”

  But she’d already been broken.

  And she’d opened.

  She’d healed.

  Her fears weren’t something she needed to run from any longer. And this man was the ultimate partner, not everything, but one she could walk alongside, holding hands — ready to safely explore whatever else was in store: sexually, emotionally, spiritually.

  God … the possibilities seemed endless. More than a dream or an adventure. Their collision seemed foreordained and necessary. Then and now.

  “Hey,” he began, and she kept her eyes locked on his. “I don't have all the answers. But I want to ask the questions.”

  And they were already racing through Audrey’s mind...

  How would he cane her inside the four walls of her bedroom? How could she keep quiet when he burned her, sucked her nipples to the point of pain, and whispered disgusting but beautiful songs of ownership into her waiting ears? Would he still long to share her body with others? Did he still need to watch her take other men’s cocks? Did he still want her to? Did she? And what about Kate and Peyton? Did he still…?

  “Audrey…” he said, a smile in his eyes and on his lips. Gavin could still read her thoughts. Anticipate her needs.

  “Me too,” she said in reply to his previous statement.

  “We’ll figure it out, baby girl. I promise we’ll have open communication. Completely. We’ll talk about what we want and need. Nothing is off the table.”

  “Including baseball?”

  “Including baseball.” He smiled.

  They started to walk again, and after they’d strolled … maybe a quarter mile, Gavin tugged on her hand. “Audrey?”

  “What is it?” She came to a stop. “Gavin…” she said and looked around the beach.

  He’d begun to lift his tee, and at first, she’d stupidly thought it was hardly the place to take off a shirt — feeling moonstruck threw logic out the window. But any and all thoughts of what he might do ceased onc
e she locked onto a tattoo on his chest above and across his left pectoral muscle.

  “Darcy’s work?” she asked in a strangled whisper.

  “Yeah.”

  He looked pained in the most beautiful way possible. Open and exposed, not just bare-chested, his heart beating on the outside of his skin.

  “Touch me, Audrey.”

  Sucking in a breath, the sound in her lungs stronger than the tide, she placed her fingers on his skin, grazing the colorful ink of the tattoo.

  Rings of fire around wheels of chariots … angels with wings as drivers.

  He closed his eyes as she circled the images with the tips of her fingers.

  “So I never forget,” he choked out on an exhale, his eyes still closed.

  Audrey flattened her palm over the symbol and pressed her lips to his — tasting salt, sweat, and pure Gavin — their tongues exchanging redemption and forgiveness, lust and temptation … love.

  Taking her in his arms, Gavin intensified the kiss, minus the bruising force Audrey remembered. This kiss was different. Gavin tasted like love. Smelled like love. Felt like love. All four kinds.

  Fuck society. Fuck the standards that locked people into closets.

  Gavin and Audrey had always been love. And they would always be love. Because love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

  And because … this man owned this woman, not only her body, but her soul, spirit, and heart.

  Audrey knew in this moment it was Gavin who’d returned. Don’t come back to me unless it’s with both feet. Gavin had been the one who’d decided each of them could have a foot in both worlds. One foot planted where people drove minivans, attended movies, and baseball practices … and the other foot in the darkness of the light. A place where acceptance and experimentation and being whole meant more than following rules.

  Gavin and Audrey made their own rules.

  Husband and wife were only titles.

  In their world, it was those other titles that held weight, assigned power, created trust, honored commitment.

  I do, sir.

  Good girl.

  Epilogue

  Gavin and Audrey made plans to visit Peyton's downtown condo near the dungeon on a Saturday night around 8 p.m.

  Candles placed on counters and shelves and tables lit the living room and adjacent kitchen, creating shadow puppets on the walls. Toys of the adult kind lay strewn across the bar top — tools some might’ve called devices of torture and others … every girl with an imagination called fun.

  Peyton had been the one who’d come to the door, his sun-kissed hair grazing his shoulders, wearing a pair of board shorts and a smile. He also sported one of those skin-tight athletic shirts … as did Gavin. Both men patted each other on the back and said hello, Gavin’s arms straining and flexing with the gesture. But his muscles weren’t just a display — those biceps stood for security and warmth — the best Audrey had ever known.

  Kate, looking comfortable in a hot-pink robe over what Audrey assumed was a naked body, stood next to a bottle of open red and a selection of vibrators.

  Catching up happened first. A few tears were shed by the girls. Hugs exchanged. Glasses of water offered instead of wine.

  This would mark the first time they’d all been together in the same room and at the same time, only the four of them, alone, since the split and the make-up.

  “We made ground rules,” Peyton said after about thirty minutes of laughing and chatting had passed, clearing the tension-filled air. “I don't have to wait for his commands to do something, but Gavin will lead. Everyone will defer to him tonight.”

  Audrey's palms had already started perspiring when Gavin took hold of one, keeping it safe in his grasp, making her remember why she'd agreed with the arrangement they’d discussed for the night.

  She trusted him with every fiber of her being. Trusted herself more.

  “Does anyone else want wine?” Kate lifted the bottle.

  “How many glasses have you had, Kitty?” Gavin asked, and Kate held up a finger.

  “I want you both sober,” he said, wiping the pad of his thumb across Kate's bottom lip.

  Audrey sucked in a breath — it was fucking happening — as Gavin undid the knot on Kate's robe and opened the lapels.

  Audrey had been wrong. She wasn’t naked.

  But the only things Kate had on were a black thong and fading bruises on her tits and inner thighs … maybe more on her back too.

  “You've been a bad kitty?” Gavin tugged on her nipple.

  “Yes,” she breathed out and smiled.

  Peyton grinned too, his brown eyes growing darker by the second, as his best friend and sometimes lover tweaked the nipple of his other lover, his partner, his collared submissive.

  The women faced one another from less than a foot apart, as did the men. They formed a square. Audrey couldn't tear her gaze from Gavin's fingers or Kate's breasts.

  “Audrey,” Gavin said, and her eyes followed the sound of his voice. “Kiss her. She wants you so badly. Have you kissed each other before?”

  They both answered together. “A little peck,” and, “No, sir.”

  All four of them smiled.

  Moving behind Audrey, Gavin slipped off her jacket, and then he lifted her shirt over her head. Leaning forward, he put his lips at her ear and said, “Kiss her, baby girl,” then he nudged her closer to Kate.

  Inches separated the women now, their breasts the only things touching. Audrey's tiny peaks were still covered by a lacy bra. Kate's huge tits were bare and bruised, nipples pink, the sounds of their breathing labored, each waiting for the delicious consummation.

  The moment Audrey touched her lips to Kate’s, Kate purred.

  Their tongues mingled, wet and warm and full of passion. Hot breath clouded their jitters and any leftover fears. As they explored — slow and sensual, loving and proud — their moans and purrs grew louder, desperate, and their centers began to grind against each other as their hands roamed. Audrey latched onto Kate's thigh, rubbing her sex over her skin without shame, needing to sate the motherfucking need. Now. Tonight.

  “Fuck,” Kate groaned into Audrey’s mouth and squirmed.

  Gavin, still behind Audrey, his heat reminding her he was never far, slid his hands over the front of her shoulders and slipped them into her bra, flicking her nipples with the pads of his thumbs.

  “Fuck … you’re such a good girl, Audrey. My Audrey,” Gavin whispered with barely any breath, and Audrey moaned against Kate's lips.

  Peyton wiggled his fingers between Gavin’s chest and Audrey’s shoulder blades and unclasped her bra. After removing the garment, he bent and sucked on one of Audrey’s nipples, getting some of Gavin’s fingers in the process.

  As Audrey broke from Kate’s lips to watch, her body trembling, her knees buckling, Gavin said, “I have you, baby girl,” then she leaned into his embrace and relaxed. “Kate, suck my girl too.”

  Gavin and Audrey couldn’t take their eyes from Peyton and Kate’s devotion, observing with keen interest as they sucked and licked and nibbled Audrey's tiny breasts and perfect nipples, every bit of her supple mounds of flesh disappearing into their wet mouths.

  “Yeah.” Gavin grunted and pulled on Audrey's hair. “You like that, baby girl? You like getting sucked? Teased? Played with?” He had her in his infamous chokehold, his forearm clutching her neck while two fingers of his other hand lay pressed in the hollow beneath his collar. “Answer me.”

  “Mmm … yes,” she sputtered.

  “Tell them.” He put more pressure on her throat, yanking on the silver chain, and then he bit her shoulder hard. She knew it would leave a mark … and then a bruise.

  “I like it,” she cried, then coughed.

  “What?” he relaxed the hold he had on her throat, and she gasped for air. “What do you like?”

  Audrey knew Gavin would push for everything he’d ever wanted tonight — not just her body, but her soul, her words,
her rights — and she wanted him to take it all … break her and put her back together.

  Except … this didn't feel like being broken. It felt like being molded and loved, completed.

  “I like being sucked. Oh, fuck…” she said, and Peyton and Kate both bit down on her fat, plump nipples. “Please … please, sir. Please.”

  “Get her pants off and bend her over the arm of the couch, Peyton,” Gavin ordered, and Peyton happily complied.

  Once her ass was up and feet were on the floor, Gavin kicked Audrey’s legs open, and then he parted her butt cheeks and folds, inspecting his slave and showing Peyton and Kate what he would gift them tonight.

  “Mine,” he growled and stroked Audrey nape to tailbone. “Over here, Kate. Feed her your tits.”

  The moment Kate got into position, knees on the floor, resting to the left of the couch arm, Audrey began to feast, licking and sucking Kate’s tits like she was starved for them.

  “Holy fuck,” Kate giggled. “God, that feels good.”

  “Peyt, I want your cock there too. Stand by your Kitty and fill my girl’s little mouth until she gags on cock and tit.”

  Already stroking his hard dick, Peyton joined Kate and fought for entry.

  “Yeah.” Gavin yanked on Audrey's hair until she yelped over the flesh fighting for her mouth: breasts pliant and soft, dick smooth and hard.

  “Feed her. Yeah. My good girl is hungry. She wants to be fed and bruised. She wants to be used. Don’t you, Audrey?”

  Audrey whimpered and moaned while Gavin continued pulling at the roots of her hair, making her eyes water and her body sing. And then came the fulfillment of the promise: delicious, delectable pain.

  A paddle … always his favorite tool.

  Gavin delivered a nice swift slap to her ass with his thin wooden paddle, and then another. Left cheek, then right, in perfect tandem.

  “Don't you dare stop sucking them,” he said, slapping her again and again and again. “No biting either.”

  Drool slid down her chin, the sounds she made indicating she never wanted it to end.

  “Fuck…” he hissed as the grain struck her again and again. “You need this, baby girl?” Gavin massaged her ass cheeks with his strong hands.