“Yes,” I nodded, my mouth dry. “I suppose it would have been.”
“Anyway, Olivia told me that Liam's planning to leave Chelsea and go to LA. She thinks he's running away. He's leaving first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Because of his mum dying? Why though? It doesn't make any sense.”
She shook her head. “No, sweetie. Not because of her. Because he's scared of what he feels... for you.”
“He doesn't feel anything for me.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked gently.
“I couldn't be more sure.” I picked up a muffin and began breaking it into pieces, popping bits in my mouth and chewing angrily. I took a gulp of my tea, burning my tongue in the process, and sat back in the hard, high backed chair with a scowl. “This is Olivia all over, Lil. She's a romantic. And she's blissfully happy with Kai, so of course she's trying to play matchmaker with the rest of us. Liam feels nothing for me. He just about told me that himself. Wouldn't he have confided in me about his mum if he did? Wouldn't he have come to say goodbye instead of just packing up and leaving without a word? I don't mean a thing to him.”
“So you won't go and see him? Talk some sense into him? I think he could really do with a friend right now.”
I stood up, ignoring her question, and began clearing up the mess in the kitchen, scraping half eaten bowls of cereal into the bin and dumping them in the sink.
“Mia?” she pushed, her eyes fixed on me.
I sighed and turned to face her. “No. I won't go and see him. He asked me to leave him alone, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Maybe he needs a friend, but it's not me.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Liam
Not for the first time in my life, I wished I could be just a bit more organised. My flight was booked for three a.m, my bags were packed and I'd arranged a taxi to take me to the airport. But all of that would amount to sweet fuck all if I couldn't find my damn passport.
Every drawer in my house had been upturned during my search, and now I'd moved on to more obscure places – beneath the sofa cushions, between the books on the bookshelves, the back of the bread bin. It was gone eleven p.m. and I had less than two hours before the taxi would be turning up. With an exasperated sigh, I sat down rubbing my hands over my face as I tried to remember when I'd last seen it. The memory came back to me with a bright flash of colour. Croatia. The fresh sea air, that glaringly bright blue sky, Mia running naked into the midnight ocean with a twinkling smile on her soft lips. Then there had been that painful flight back to London. I'd gone through customs in a blur, shoving my passport into the inside pocket of my leather jacket. Had it been there the whole time?
I stood now, walking purposefully into the hallway and grabbing the jacket off the banister. I slipped my hand into the pocket and it closed around something smooth and rectangular. Jackpot. Pulling it from my pocket, I stared down at the burgundy binding, feeling numb. This was it then. Nothing to stop me now. Nothing to keep me here. I hung the jacket back over the bannister, and hearing a loud rap at the front door, I turned fast, swinging the door open.
“Hey, little brother,” Kai said, standing on the threshold grinning. Olivia was by his side, her arm linked through his.
I shook my head, speechless, unable to believe he was really there. “What the hell are you doing here?” I said, as they stepped inside. Olivia hugged me, her brow creasing as she saw the state of me.
“I told you we were going to come,” Kai said, slipping off his jacket and throwing it over my suitcase which stood ready and waiting by the front door.
“Yeah, and I told you not to. I'm leaving tonight.” Kai pursed his lips and ran his hand through his hair. It was longer than mine and had a tendency to flop in his eyes. “Look, man,” I said, my voice softening. “I'm grateful. Really. But like I said, there was no need to interrupt your honeymoon and come here. Not for me.”
Kai and Olivia shared a look between them and I felt something strongly akin to jealousy as I watched them. They had something I would never have. Something deep and connected and rare. Olivia touched Kai's arm, squeezing it briefly and then looked back to me. “Let's sit down for a minute, shall we?” She nodded towards the living room door and I shrugged, leading the way. I had time to kill now that my passport had been found. I slumped down on the sofa and Olivia surprised me by sitting down right beside me. Kai didn't follow.
“Where's he gone?”
“To make some tea,” she smiled. “It's been a long journey.” She stared at me with her big brown eyes and I got the distinct impression that she was waiting for me to crack and speak first. Finally the silence grew so uncomfortable between us I had to give in.
“I'm fine, you know. You didn't have to come.” My eyes travelled over the empty vodka bottle laying on its side on the coffee table, the ashtray overflowing with cigarette butts. I knew I looked a mess. My eyes were bloodshot, my skin as pale as ice. I'd showered but I hadn't bothered to shave, and the dark, thick stubble only made the skin beneath look even paler. Which was why I needed to go to LA. To get back on track. Get some proper sunshine and leave the weak English weather behind.
I started as I felt Olivia's small hand wrap around mine. “Are you?” she asked softly. My eyes flicked to hers and I found myself unable to look away. I took a breath.
“No,” I admitted. “But I will be.”
She nodded. “That's why we're here.” She gave a little smile. “You know, Liam, being married to your brother, I've learned a lot about what it did to him to be abandoned by your mum. For Kai, it made him afraid to trust. He put up walls. Even now I see it in him sometimes. The fear of losing what we have. But we managed to break past those walls and get through his fears. Do you know how?”
I shook my head. The conversation was brutal and I hoped she'd get to the point soon so we could get back to easier subjects.
“Because he's so fucking brave. He knows that what we've got is worth risking his heart for. He's brave enough to take the chance, because having that... something real, it's always going to be better than the alternative. Playing it safe gets boring after a while. Don't you think?”
“Are you trying to tell me you think I'm a coward?”
She shook her head. “No, sweetie. I know you're not. I just wonder if you're going to LA because it's what you really want. Or,” she smiled, “If what you really want might actually be much closer to home. Have you even let yourself consider what it is you want from life? What would you do if there was no chance of getting hurt?”
“I'm not afraid of getting hurt.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Honestly?” I asked.
“Yes. Honestly.”
“I'm not sure about anything lately. I don't have a clue what I'm feeling right now.”
“So, maybe before you rush into your next step, you need to slow down and try and figure that out? Before you lose something you can't get back.”
I didn't need to be a genius to know that she meant Mia. “Yeah,” I admitted. “Maybe you're right.”
“I usually am,” she teased, drawing a deep laugh from me.
“I can't believe you came all this way just to give me a pep talk.”
She squeezed my hand. “Of course I did. We're family now, Liam. And I won't ever stand in the way of you and Kai. I know how close the two of you are and I won't take that from either of you. You're my brother now, and I'll always be there for you. Even when you don't want me to be,” she grinned. She stood up, heading for the door. “I'm going to check on my husband and make sure he's not eating all your food. Think about what I said, okay?”
I nodded as she left, feeling strangely secure. I'd expected to lose Kai when he'd got married. I thought I'd be on my own from now on. Instead, it seemed, my brother would still drop anything and fly halfway around the world if he thought I needed him, and on top of that, I had gained a sister. And a bloody good one at that.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mia
I stared up at the smooth white plaster above my bed, replaying the conversation with Liliana from last night. She'd seemed so shocked when I'd refused point blank to go and talk to Liam, but I knew I would've been wasting my time. He had clearly made up his mind. Who was I to try and stop him from leaving? Clambering wearily out of bed, I stepped into the shower, letting the warm water run over my face, trying to wash away the evidence of another sleepless night. My mind kept wandering back to Liam. Was he somewhere over the Atlantic right now? Would he even think of me as he left me behind?
I switched off the shower, rubbing my hair roughly with a towel and dragging a brush through it. Wrapping the towel around my body, I padded out to the kitchen, flicking the switch on the kettle. A sudden knock at my front door made me jump. It had to be one of my neighbours, nobody else could get in without being buzzed. I put the mug I'd just chosen back down on the counter and hurriedly adjusting the towel to make sure it wasn't about to fall down, I went to the door, opening it cautiously. “Oh,” I breathed, stepping back in surprise, suddenly wishing I was wearing something more substantial. Liam stood there with a mischievous smile on his gorgeous face, a fluffy black puppy cradled in his arms. His eyes travelled from my face, down to my feet and back up again and I pulled the towel tighter, my heart thudding at the sight of him. Every instinct in my body commanded me to throw myself into his arms and hold on tight. Instead, I gestured for him to come inside, closing the door softly behind him. He turned to face me and I pointed towards the puppy. “Don't tell me you got a pick up dog too? Ryan thinks we don't know his tricks, but he couldn't be more obvious.” My voice was high and shaky as I spoke the words and I swallowed, trying to pull myself together.
Liam gave a low laugh, his deep brown eyes meeting mine, holding my gaze, making me swallow hard, my lips going dry. I wetted them with the tip of my tongue, unable to tear my gaze away. “No,” he answered softly, his voice smooth as honey. “I didn't get a pick up dog.” He looked down at the tiny bundle in his arms. “He's a rescue, from Romania. They found him on the streets abandoned by his mama. I felt like we had a lot in common,” he smiled wryly. “And he may be a little bundle of fluff now, but he's going to be a big dog. They said they think he's a Rottweiler mix, maybe some Labrador. He's a mutt, but he's mine.”
“Yours?”
“I adopted him.”
“Did you?” This was new. Liam taking on something that required responsibility. A living, breathing creature who would rely on him for years. This little pup would put the brakes on him being able to go out all night, or jet off abroad at the drop of a hat, and that strangulation of his independence was something Liam had always fiercely rejected. He was watching me closely as I processed this new information. I felt like he was on the cusp of telling me so much more. There was an intense energy coming from him now, and for once I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to break his flow. He set the puppy gently down on the floor by his feet. “There you go, Duke,” he said, patting him on the head. The puppy stretched out his legs, took three steps towards the door and with a wide yawn he curled up on the doormat and stared up at us with his big brown eyes. Within seconds I could see them growing heavy as he drifted off to sleep. Oh, to be that young and life be so simple, I thought, watching him snooze contentedly on the mat.
Liam reached forward, bringing my attention firmly back to him, the tips of his fingers brushing the damp hair back from my eyes, the silver rings he wore glinting in the light streaming in through the window. “Can we talk?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Good.” He ran his fingertips down my cheek, stroking lightly along the length of my jaw. I couldn't seem to look away from his eyes as they burned into mine. “I've come to a lot of realisations in the past few days, Mia,” he said, his voice low and rough. “Understood things about myself I never got before. I've been playing it safe. Much as I like to give it all the mouth about taking risks, living for the moment, I haven't been doing it. I was locked up inside a shell, too worried about the possibility of getting hurt to let anyone get close. I felt like I could never be the kind of man you deserved because I would always back off before you could really know me. That version of Liam Mulligan would have hurt you over and over again out of his own fucked up fears. I think you know me well enough by now to know that I don't let people in. If they try to get close, I run in the opposite direction. I've always been that way. Never had a real relationship. Even the guys at the studio only know the version of me that I want them to see. Fun, wild... It's all surface bullshit. But I can't be that with you. It feels fake.” He took a breath and I kept quiet, not willing to break his flow. This was something real and authentic and hard as hell for him to say, and I knew what it was costing him to do it.
He ran the pad of his thumb absently over my lower lip, making my mouth go dry and my legs tremble. “You make me want to let you in. To let you past the shell on the outside and show you who I really am. And that makes me want to get on the first flight to America and never see you again because it's fucking terrifying. It's so fucked up and so bloody cliched. Poor little boy got left by his mama and now he can't trust women with his feelings. What a fucking joke,” he sneered, his voice turning harsh.
I gave a tiny shake of my head. It wasn't a joke. It was real. It was his story, as much as he rejected it, and I would never be able to blame him for that. But only he had the power to change it from this point onwards. I knew what he'd been doing ever since his mum had walked out on him. He'd spent so long pretending it didn't matter that he'd started to believe it. But something had forced him to look deeper and confront the truth head on, and I admired him for it.
“It's taken a lot for me to see the cycle I was caught in, but I won't live like that anymore, Mia. Not now I've seen what it could be like. It's time to stop running away from what might be, and just fucking give in. And I'm giving in to all of it. Letting a dog into my life, knowing that one day I'm going to have to say goodbye. And I'm okay with that, because I know the good times will more than make up for the shitty bit at the end. I'm facing my fears head on. Falling in love – ”
“In love?” I repeated, unable to stop the words tumbling out.
He grinned, cupping my face in both of his strong, warm hands. He bent his head low, his voice deep and rough as he spoke. “Yeah. Fuck yeah. I've been in love with you from the moment I set eyes on you, Mia. It just took me a long time to realise it.” He covered my mouth with his, kissing me hard and deep, his body pressing mine into the hallway wall. My head was spinning, I felt like I'd fallen into some bizarre dream where everything I'd secretly wished for was coming true. He pulled back, his eyes filled with lust and heat and something so intense it made my insides squirm. “I love you, Mia. I'm talking painful, obsessive, unconditional love. And you love me too. I know you do.” I choked back a cough, blushing at his forthright comment and he kissed me again before I could speak.
My eyes flickered to the puppy, still asleep on the doormat as Liam guided me backwards along the hallway, pushing open my bedroom door. He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him, spinning me so my back was pressed up against it. I was hyper aware of the fact that I was wearing nothing but a towel. Liam gave a wicked grin and moved his fingers to where I'd tucked and rolled the fabric, securing it tightly. He slid his hand beneath the thick towel, the backs of his fingers grazing against my breasts, making my nipples turn rock hard, and then in the blink of an eye the fluffy white fabric was pooled around my feet and I was standing there, stark naked in broad daylight. He let his eyes rove over me hungrily, grabbing my wrists and pulling them down to my sides as I attempted to cover myself. “Let me look at you.”
“Must you?” I asked, embarrassed.
“Yes. I must.” He kissed me again, his tongue sinking into my mouth, his body pushing against mine as his hands wandered over my bare skin making me tingle all over. He grasped the back of my naked thighs, lifting me easily. I wrapped my legs around his wai
st and he strode towards the bed, placing me gently down. Stripping of his leather jacket and black t-shirt, standing in just his jeans and heavy black boots, I realised that I was going to let this happen. I wanted it to happen. The relief at having him here, in my bedroom, staring at me like he wanted to devour me whole when I'd thought he'd gone for good was unbearably sweet. I wanted him inside me, his skin on mine, his breath mixing with my own. He grabbed me beneath my knees, dragging me to the edge of the mattress and spread my legs wide. For a long, painfully embarrassing moment, he just stared at me, his dark eyes feasting on me. I could feel the wetness, slick and hot between my thighs and I knew he would see it there. The bulge of his cock strained against the denim of his jeans. I wanted it inside me.
With a low, almost animal sound in the back of his throat, he sank down to his knees, his mouth pressing kisses into my thighs as he held me open. I writhed in a mixture of embarrassment and need, but as his tongue flicked over my clit, then circled back again, torturing me with long, delicious laps, I let my head fall back against the quilt, a groan escaping my lips. He cupped his hands beneath me, tilting me towards him, his mouth hot as he ran his tongue over the swollen flesh again and again and again until I felt ready to explode. He slid two fingers inside me, twisting against my g-spot while his tongue flicked faster and faster against my clit. I arched towards him, my body stiffening as I came on his lips, screaming out his name. He raised his head to look up at me, a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. He pulled his fingers slowly out of my pussy, and put them to his lips, licking them clean. My entire body was buzzing with the need to have him inside me. I couldn't wait. Not another second.
Damaged: Dare to Decide, Book 2 Page 13