His Secret

by Brisa Starr

  I really loved Adron. I gave him everything of me and never expected this. But, then again, what did I expect? I wanted flowers, rainbows, unicorns… all the true love shit. And, of course, I assumed honesty and loyalty. How did he expect me to react to the bomb he detonated between us? Maybe he wasn’t the man I thought he was.

  He was so pained when he told me. But that means nothing now. How can I ever trust him? Trust us?

  No.

  It’s over.

  I pour my third glass, and I think back to the tequila I had with Adron. Our first night in the casita. My heart beats heavily at this delicious memory, trying to break out of the blackness protecting it. It wants to pulse with the freedom, life, and love that danced through my body only hours ago.

  But never again.

  I finish the third shot of tequila and curl up on the couch, starting to feel the numbing effects of the alcohol on top of my already numb soul. I lay there for… I don’t know how long. Eventually, the sun moves across the sky, and I’m relieved to see that darkness isn’t far off. All I want is to sleep and forget this day ever happened. I’ll sleep soon, and he can slip from my memory, if only temporarily.

  The next thing I know, Elliot is licking my face. I must’ve dozed off. I scrape myself up, walk into the kitchen, open a beer, and take the dogs for their evening walk, beer in hand. I go out the back door, so I don’t have to pass the casita. I don’t want him to see me. I want for him to forget me, as much as I have been trying to erase him from my memory and my life.

  The desert, dusky and still, has a dreamlike quality that allows my mind’s eye to manufacture a fantasy, in which I go back in time, to that moment in the balloon when everything was wonderful, just before he opened his mouth… and pause my life right there, never going forward. To have that perfect moment in time frozen in a crystal… that is my dream.

  But I know that’s not possible, and time will go on. I look up at the first eager stars beginning to appear in the indigo sky, and I absorb the epic grandeur of the cosmos. It makes me feel small, but it gifts me the tiny comfort that these things don’t matter in the grand scheme of things... that I will survive, and, eventually, get over this.

  Over him.

  I take the dogs back inside and feed them and give them fresh water before turning in for the night. The tequila and beer have softened my nerves, but I’ll have to face them sooner or later. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the first day in the next chapter of my life. Alone again.

  I used to do just fine alone. I can do it again.

  The memory of his words attacking me about Billy creep back into my mind. He tried to throw it in my face, me not telling him everything about Billy. I try to process his perspective with an open mind. But it doesn’t help. Even if he was right, it only means we were both dishonest. That doesn’t make things better, it makes them worse. Maybe we were both just as bad, and maybe it was never love.

  I bash that thought the moment it enters my mind, because I know it’s not true. I’ve never felt the feelings I felt for Adron – I know they were real.

  The reason I didn’t tell him about that part of my past with Billy was because, whenever I talked about Billy, Adron’s volcanic jealousy verged on eruption. I guess that was my own way of hiding. Did I withhold information to avoid tarnishing the beautiful new relationship we were making? Was I just protecting… us? Maybe. I sigh and fold my pillow under my head as I lie on my side in the fetal position.

  I keep thinking more about it, desperate to have some kind of epiphany that will make me feel better about everything, something that will make the pain in my heart stop hurting so bad.

  Isn’t his dishonesty so much bigger? Worse than mine? His betrayal revealed his distrust of us, of me. He didn’t think I could handle it, or worse, that I would handle it horribly, like pursuing him for his money. That’s what hurts the most.

  My phone buzzes, and my heart leaps into my throat. I slowly turn my phone over. It’s a text message from Adron. My breath stops.

  Adron: I miss you.

  I turn my phone back over, not replying.

  An hour later, I’m staring up at the ceiling fan, and it’s staring right back at me, going in circles, like my mind. I no longer have any thoughts about my future, like I did this morning when I woke up in Adron’s bed.

  I love him. But I’m so fucking mad at him. I’m mad at us. I’m mad that there must’ve been something between us, something he couldn’t trust about me, that prevented him from telling me. I keep wondering if there was something I could’ve said or done that would have given him the courage to tell me sooner.

  My phone buzzes again. I try to not look at it, but my resolve lasts about four seconds. I turn the screen to face me. It’s a message from Jenna.

  Jenna: Hi Alyson. I’ve had a change of plans, and I’ll be home Friday morning.

  Wow, that’s at least a couple of weeks early. I try to figure out what day it is, my mind slowed by tequila, beer, and heartbreak. Oh, right, today is Tuesday.

  Me: Wow! Is everything okay?

  Jenna: Yes, I just have some things I need to take care of, so I have to cut my trip short. I understand you don’t have another house-sit lined up so PLEASE feel welcome to stay with me until you decide what to do. I’d love the company. :)

  Me: Gosh, thank you for the offer, but I’ll probably look online to see if there are any house-sits available.

  Jenna: OK. I’ll see you in a few days.

  Hmmm. The fog in my mind lifts a bit. This could be good news. It’ll get me out of here sooner. My heart’s heaviness lightens. I go to the closet where I’d chucked the rose quartz, and I put them back in their original places, so I don’t forget to before she arrives. It’s Jenna’s room after all, and it’s what she asked for.

  I go to the window and finally open it, looking at the casita. I hear him playing, and I smile sadly. His music is deeper tonight, with more pain, and I somehow find comfort in it. The song’s lyrics speak of the torment and beauty of breathing, living, loving. I know he’s in pain now, I can hear it. My mind tightens, and a shiver coats my throat as I feel his haunting harmonies connect with my soul.

  I cry again.

  I lie back down on the bed and fall into a fitful slumber packed with nightmares of white picket fences, blown to pieces that rip through my body like shrapnel. I suddenly wake, confused and terrified, reaching for him and calling his name in the middle of the night.

  But he’s not here.

  I beg my mind to let me go back to sleep.

  I wake up to morning sunshine coming in through the partly open blinds, and for the briefest moment, I feel normal again… and then I remember everything that’s happened, that he’s gone, and I’m alone. I crash back into my pillow, desperate for just a few more minutes of the peace that only comes during dreamless sleep.

  But I have responsibilities. I drag myself out of bed and go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I head to the coop to take care of the chickens, not even bothering to change out of my light cotton pajamas. I sigh. Well, at least I don’t have to do this much longer, as much as I appreciate the daily gift of fresh eggs.

  Next, I feed the dogs and give them fresh ice water. We take our walk, and I water the plants, noticing Adron’s window is closed. It’s usually open in the morning because he watches me water the flowers before going to sleep like a third-shifter. Maybe he’s already over me.

  I close my eyes and miss his touch, his smell, his heat. I hold my breath. But then I shake my head and open my eyes to face reality. I head back to the house and, just before I enter, I turn around for one last glance at the casita. I see his curtains move, and a shiver runs through me. I enter the house and close the door.

  Back inside, in the cool air-conditioning, I feel relief from the oppressive heat, and it falsely lifts my spirit. I might as well do my best to live my old normal life, so I take a shower and get dressed. I can stay busy indoors, and I have classes to teach today. Relieved by the distraction, I make co
ffee and settle down at the table.

  As I open my laptop, my phone buzzes, and I see it’s Adron. My heart hammers, and I look at the message.

  Adron: I have to go see a client, so I’ll be in Tucson until Saturday. Just wanted you to know.

  I swallow, and desperation tickles my fingers. I want so badly to respond. Something. But I have nothing to say. So, I don’t. To quash any future weakness, I delete his contact info.

  He’ll come back Saturday, and I’ll be gone. I will have left Friday, once Jenna returns. It hits me that I still need to find my next house-sit. At least I have my hot sauce winnings for a hotel, if needed.

  I look at the clock, and I have half an hour before my first class. I go to my favorite house-sitting website and search the section titled “House-Sitter Needed: Soon/Last-Minute.” I browse through a few posts, and I’m pleased to see that there are plenty of choices starting this weekend, but most of them are far away. Shoot. I won’t make it in the time it would take to drive to any of them.

  Just as I’m about to try my luck at another house-sitting website, I see a family in need of a house-sitter Saturday, in Boulder, Colorado. I check Google Maps to see how long it would take to drive there. If I leave Friday and push hard, I could get there in time. Perfect. I fire off an email, applying for the job, and I cross my fingers they’ll accept.

  This is exactly what I need… to get the hell out of this town and away from everything reminding me of the love I thought I had.

  The day creeps by like molasses, slow and black. I check my email again before getting ready to take the dogs for their evening walk, and my spirits lift when I see the house-sit in Boulder responded. They’ve accepted my application, and a feeling of relief and gratitude washes over me. The first relief I’ve felt since...

  I write back, letting the host family know my excitement and appreciation for choosing me, and we exchange a few more emails to make plans for my impending arrival.

  Well, brava to me. I made it through another day. And even though I can feel the cold, stone wall back in place around my heart, protecting it from future damage, my brain sees the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim as hell, and it’s a long way away, but I know it’ll shine brighter in Boulder.

  I thought Adron leaving would help, but now that he’s in Tucson, his absence weighs heavily on me. I’m banking on time healing all wounds, though. I’ll pull through this and be back to my old self eventually. The only way through it… is to go through it.

  One day at a time.

  Meanwhile, my heart, a glutton for punishment, has me open my phone and look at the selfies I took on the hot air balloon ride.

  I look at that beautiful, smiling girl. She is SO happy.

  It feels like a distant memory. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much light in my eyes. I had totally surrendered to love and offered my heart to a man I was sure would protect it fiercely, with his life, like a bodyguard bound by a blood oath.

  I scroll through the pictures and take a closer look at him. Oh, wow. I wouldn’t have noticed it normally, but now that I know what weighed down his heart, what he knew he had to do, I see the pain and fear in his face. There’s a picture with his hand holding onto the wicker basket, and when I zoom in and look at his knuckles, they’re white as ice, he’s gripping so hard. If it were anyone else, I’d think he was just scared of the ride. But I know better. He was terrified of telling me, and the possibility of losing me. Losing us. He knew it might happen. But he knew telling me his secret was the only way forward for us.

  Maybe he really did love me.

  I know, deep down in my heart, that he did. He had to. I can’t deny that anymore. There’s just no way that people can have the connection we felt, the only key that fits perfectly into the lock, and have it not be true love. But I guess that doesn’t mean you won’t sometimes still hurt each other.

  I can’t sit around the house all day again or I’ll just numb myself with tequila. I send a text to Sammy.

  Me: Hi. Can you meet for coffee?

  Sammy: I’d love to. How was your hot air balloon ride?

  Me: Tell you about it when I see you. 30 min?

  Sammy: Perfect, see you then. Looking forward to it, girl. :)

  I give the pets fresh water, and Phoebe, the petite, black cat, comes into the kitchen. She rarely comes out during the day unless Adron’s here, so I look around, hope pulsing my heart, but he’s not here.

  I squat down and look at her beautiful, green eyes as I scratch under her chin. What is it sweetie? Are you trying to tell me something? Are you a sign from the Universe?

  Phoebe lays down luxuriously, bored with me already, and then looks at me for a brief second before taking to grooming herself.

  I stand up and shake my head.

  I’m really stretching it. Seeking answers from a cat.

  In my defense, it is a black cat.

  I walk into the coffee shop, and Sammy is already there. She sits at the table in the corner with her mint iced tea. I ask Jürgen for a cappuccino and walk over to Sammy. She stands up and sees the dark circles under my eyes and immediately knows something is wrong.

  “Alyson, girl, honey, what’s wrong?”

  I give her a hug – and I don’t let go for a long time. I would cry, but I’m all out of tears.

  Now she knows.

  I sit down. She takes her chair across from me.

  “Where do I begin?” I say, quietly.

  “At the beginning, honey,” she smiles encouragingly.

  I tell her as much as I can about what happened, without disclosing the private details of Adron’s inheritance. I just tell her he had a secret he’d kept from me, about something important, and he came forth with it up in the hot air balloon.

  “So, I ended it.” The finality of saying these words out loud drives the painful realization deeper into my bones.

  “Oh, honey,” she says, “and you just walked away?”

  I shrug.

  “Did you give him a chance to explain?” she asks and narrows her eyes at me.

  “He tried, maybe. But what is there to explain? If someone withholds information, it’s a betrayal in my book.”

  The thought flashes through my mind about my withholding information about Billy to Adron. I sweep it back into the corner where it belongs.

  “But,” Sammy says, her eyes shining, “you love him. He loves you. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you. Hell, I used to think he was haunted by mean ol’ ghosts swirling through his soul. I often wondered if he’d ever find direction in his life, because he always seemed kind of determined, yet lost, at the same time. And then, with you, I saw a light in his eyes I didn’t know was possible.”

  I’m thinking Sammy’s heart hurts almost as much as mine. I was hoping she’d say something to make me feel better, and although I could’ve interpreted her words as just that, I don’t feel any better.

  Jürgen brings over my cappuccino, and I look down at the foam, hoping there’s not a heart in it. There’s not. There’s something worse. He created a spider. No doubt because he thought Adron and I were still in a relationship. Jürgen was just trying to be sweet, and I appreciate the gesture. I swallow hard and look up at him. “Thank you.” I try to show appreciation in my eyes. As soon as he walks away, I grab a spoon and quickly stir it.

  “Oh, Sammy, I’m a fucking hot mess,” I say with thickness in my throat, and I drop my chin, looking down into my smeary cappuccino foam.

  She sighs and then says, “Honey, we all come with baggage. The point isn’t to try and find someone without any – that ain’t gonna happen. The point is to find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack it.”

  I look up from my cup, into Sammy’s eyes.

  “Damn, Sammy, that’s profound.”

  “I read it on Instagram,” she smiles and flicks her hand. “Look, Alyson, when you have love like you guys seemed to, you don’t just pull the ripcord.
”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like on a parachute. People who are gun-shy, have been hurt and are scared shitless of getting hurt again, are too quick to pull the ripcord. The very first time a problem comes along, they take the easy way out, they just walk away. That’s the coward’s way. Rather than rollin’ up their sleeves and workin’ through it – which is what real partners do – when the going gets tough, cowards just up an’ quit.”

  Sammy’s words hit me like a brick, but her tone is gentle, not mean-spirited. This is tough love.

  “I’m not a coward,” I reply softly.

  “Christ, girl, it’s not like he flat out lied or cheated on you. That’s a different kind of betrayal and one that I understand people can’t come back from. I know I don’t know all the details, but it doesn’t sound to me that it was anything like that. What the hell ever happened to unconditional love? People think that’s only for marriage? No! So, he had a secret, I’m assuming it’s not another woman, so I don’t see what could be so bad that you’d up and leave. And he came clean and told you! You demand honesty, and that’s exactly what he gave to you – just as soon as he was ready – and this is how you treat him? Have you ever stopped to consider that your reaction is a confirmation? That he was right to withhold it from you?”

  I wake up the next morning having spent the whole night chewing on the wisdom Sammy offered. I don’t know what to do with what she said, but I don’t just throw it out to the curb like trash. I tuck it away for another day.

  I’m leaving today, so I clean and straighten up the house and pack my bags. Maybe some distance from this place will give me some clarity and help me get over Adron.