“How the hell has everything turned to shit?” I scream, but it does nothing to me. My insides have completely died.
Max
All that's been going through my mind is Jess. No matter what I do, I just can't shift the image of her face when I last saw her. She's done nothing wrong, yet she's the one that's going to suffer because of me. I was fucking stupid to think I could give her the life that she deserves. As soon as my life starts to take a turn for the better, something always comes back to fucking ruin it for me. Now I'm left to deal with the mother of all fucking problems.
How am I supposed to tell Liss? Granted, she probably won't be as affected as me, but I'm sure she'll still suffer too. Justice has not been served. This bastard has escaped the sentence that he should have been carrying out for taking my mother away from us. No, this prick has been given the easy way out, and what for? It's not like my mother will come back to us. Everything that I have done, everything that I have tried to do has been for nothing. We've had to deal with years of pain, just so he can only serve part of his sentence.
I suppose a part of me should be happy that I'll never have to see him again. I should be comforted to know that he'll never be able to walk the streets again and we'll never have to suffer at his hands, but it's not good enough. Nothing will ever be fucking good enough.
As soon as I step outside, I can see Mal waiting for me. It's like I've gone back in time. Once again he's here for me, ready to pick up the pieces of our broken home. I don't know what I would ever do without him.
"How was the flight?" Mal asks as I approach him.
"Fucking long. I can't wait to try and get my head down."
"If you want to rest first, that's fine by me. You know that you can't put this off much longer Max. Melissa needs to know, she deserves to know. Then there's the arrangements that need to be made."
"There'll be no fucking arrangements." I snap at him. I don't mean to, but there's no goddamn way I'm making arrangements for that murdering son of a bitch. Father or no Father.
Mal doesn't say anything to me. Instead, he makes his way over to the car and all I can do is put one foot in front of the other to follow him. "Melissa?"
"She doesn't know, yet. You know that it's not my place Max. That responsibility solely lies with you and you know it. You know it's not been easy for me either. Finding out, it was like old wounds being ripped open again, as if it's only just happened."
"I know."
"I know she was your mum Max, and I'm not telling you how to feel. Just remember that others loved her too."
Does he seriously think that I don’t know how much this will affect everyone? It will be like we’re reliving that moment all over again. Shit. Does he really think I want Melissa being reminded of sleeping on the streets and then getting taken away from me, because people thought I wasn’t capable enough to look after her? I don’t think anyone needs reminding of that shit. I dread to think what would have happened to us if the authorities hadn’t tracked Mal down to come to our rescue. That was the only reason we were able to stay together as a family. Or as close to a family that we would ever come across again.
I approach the office with caution. I don't know how soon I'll be able to see him, but I'll wait all fucking day if I have to. Fortunately, I see him stood at reception as I make my way over. Talk about goddamn timing.
"Max, good to have you back. How was your trip?" He asks in his usual upbeat tone.
"Can we talk about it? Like now?" I ask, eager to get this over and done with. “I haven’t really got much time.”
"Of course. It just so happens that I'm free right now. Come on through.” He says, while stepping into his office. I waste no time in following him and automatically slump myself down on the sofa. My body is completely beat from jet lag and the emotional fucking mill that I’ve just been put through. Don pulls out what I assume is my file, and then turns to look at me. “What I can I do for you?"
"Don, what can I tell you? If I thought that I was fucked up before, then it ain't got shit on how I'm feeling right now."
“So tell me about it.” He looks at me while crossing his left leg over his right and preparing himself to make notes.
“He’s dead.” I say, and even though I hear the words leave my mouth, it’s as if I’m watching from a third person’s perspective. This is fucking bullshit. He’s dead and there is fuck all that I can do about it.
Jess
It's been four days since I last saw Max and I haven't heard from him once, except for the letter that he left in Mal's office. His cowardly escape. I guess I didn't expect to, but a part of me wishes more than anything that he'd just pick the phone up and call me. How hard is it to drop a quick text to let me know that he arrived home safe? Maybe I should call Mal. At least he'd be able to give me an update on his whereabouts. But what if Mal doesn't know that he's gone back home? That could open a whole can of worms and there’s no way that I’m prepared for the questions that will follow. Not just yet anyway.
I sit in my office, weighing up my options. I suppose I could always email him, but then that slag might see it and make a play for him. That thought alone leaves a horrible taste in my mouth and the green eyed monster rears its ugly head again. I know he said he'd never go there with her, but look at how she pounced and tried to stick her claws in him last time. I don’t bloody trust her. Especially after she tried to stich me up. The funny thing is, Max doesn’t really seem to be fazed by it. At least not that he let on to me, anyway.
Then it comes to me. Melissa. Of course. If anyone is going to know what Max is up to, then it will definitely be Melissa. I guess all I can do is try. It’s better than sitting back and beating myself up over something that I have no control over. Biting down on my bottom lip, I pick up the phone and hit call. My heart starts to beat fast in my chest as the nerves kick in and I can hear it thudding loudly in my ears, almost drowning out the dialling tone. She’s his sister, so it’s highly likely that she’ll know more than me. However there’s always the chance that he could have told her absolutely anything and she might not even want to talk to me.
"Quit fucking moaning, Jess. Just get on with it." I mutter to myself.
"Hello." Melissa breathes down the line. Boy am I glad to hear her voice.
"Hey Liss. It’s me, Jess. I hope you don't mind me calling you. I didn't know what else to do. Max has gone back home and I can't reach him. I've tried calling him but it's switched off and he's not getting back to me. I guess I just need to know that he's okay and that he arrived home safe. Please tell me that you've seen him." I plead down the line, not really caring if I come across as a desperate cow. The least he owes me is to let me know that he's safe.
"What can I tell you Jess? He's a fucking mess. I don't know what to do with him, he's taking it much worse than me. I don't know how to help him and he's completely closed everyone out again."
"But why? Why has he suddenly started acting like this? He was fine a few days ago and then bam, out of nowhere he turns into a different fucking person." I ask. At least it's not just me that he's shutting out. Melissa stays quiet for some time, and when she finally speaks, her words knock the wind right out of me.
"Our dad's dead."
"What?" I practically scream down the phone at her.
"I take it Max didn't tell you? Of course he didn't. You know he'll never admit it, but he needs you now more than ever Jess. No matter how much he pushes people away, it's only because he thinks he'll damage them. He blames himself for what happened. I've tried to talk to him, but it's no good. He just won't listen."
I have no idea what to say to her. No wonder he just upped and left without so much as a goodbye. That will also explain his frustration and his fist fight with Josh. Fucking hell. Why was I so blind? His words come back to me and I feel like such a selfish cow. He was right, not everything is always about me. This was nothing to do with me.
Oh, why didn't you just talk to me Max? We could have avoided this.
/>
"Leave it with me." I say to Melissa, while already forming a plan in my head. If this is what he's been acting strange about, then there is no way that I'm going to let him walk away from me, from us. He'll have to do a lot more than shout hurtful words to push me away, that's for sure.
"What are you going to do, Jess?"
"Well I'm not going to sit here and do nothing, am I? I'll call you once I know more okay?"
Max
The waves come crashing down around me, the adrenaline pumping through my veins feels fucking good, but it only takes some of the anger away. Since Mal told me that my father had died, a monster has festered away deep within me; ready to strike at any goddamn opportunity and it's breaking me. I can feel the boy of my youth coming back again. Fuck. I can't let that happen. I've worked to fucking hard to build myself up to what I am today, just to back down and let the weakness win. I need to keep my mind occupied. If I do that, then there’ll be no room for the ugliness to creep in.
Don's trying his best to help me, but I need answers and I need them now. I know that he can't hurt us anymore, but that doesn't stop me from waking up in the night after witnessing Jess dying at his own fucking hands time and time again.
Fucking Jess. I've not spoken to her, and I don't intend to anytime soon, either. Sure, she'll hate me for shutting her out again, but she doesn't need to know what kind of fucked up life I've had before her. There's no fucking way that I want her beautiful eyes looking at me out of pity. I'd rather be on my own than have her feelings change towards me.
I've spoken to Tim to make sure he keeps an eye on her. His latest report was that she's back in the office working on all of the accounts. Either she's not bothered that I have left, and all her words were empty ones, or it's affecting her way more than she's letting on. Didn't Mal say last time that she threw herself into work when that prick fucked her over?
Fuck!!! My heads all over the place. There were times when a surf would clear it, but not anymore. Even fucking whiskey isn't helping.
As I step out of the water, I see Melissa waiting against my Cadillac. She's eyeing me wearily and I know my ears are going to take a fucking beating. I suppose I better get it over with. If you leave Melissa hanging, she doesn’t back off. No, she comes right back at you, but ten times fucking worse.
"Hey." She says with a slight smile on her face. I know she's worried about me, but she doesn't need to be. I'm a big guy. I can deal with this shit myself.
"What do you want Liss? You've been hounding me like a bad fucking smell for days."
"I'm worried about you Max. We all are. Have you been to see Mal and Daisy, yet?"
"I just need some time, Liss. Can you not understand that? Having everyone coming at me from different directions isn't helping." I know I shouldn't be pissed at her, but I need to take my frustrations out somehow. Thankfully, she seems to be dealing with his death quite well, but then again she's always been stronger than me.
"All I'm saying is that maybe you should go and see them. Plus Mal doesn't really need the added stress. Even though you might not see it yet, Mal's pretty cut up too. He's going through just the same emotions as us. She was his sister, Max."
"I know, I know. Fine, I'll go and see him, okay. Will that make you happy?" Anything to get her off my back, jeez.
"Jess is pretty worried about you too. I'm pretty shocked that you'd just up and leave her like that. I knew you were an arsehole Max, but I guess I was stupid enough to think that Jess had changed all of that."
I stop dead and look at my little sister. She sure knows how to fucking stab be in the chest. At the mere mention of Jess' name I feel myself tense up. Yes I know I've been a prick, but it's for the best. "You've spoken to her? Why would you do that? Why can't you just let things be?"
"I spoke to her because she called me. Why did she call me? Because she couldn’t get through to you, goddamnit. She's been worried sick about you Max and she's pretty cut up about it too. You've got a really good thing going on with her Max. Don't fucking ruin it. Because I’ll tell you this, you’ll live every fucking day for the rest of your life regretting it."
"I think it's a little too late for that now, don’t you?" Does she not realise that I don’t need her telling me how much I’ve fucked up. Even if I wanted to make things right with Jess, I’d never be able to because I have fucked up and broken her trust. Sure I might not have put my dick anywhere else, but I’ve let her down just like that prick did. It makes me no better than him and I hate myself for it.
"Never say never, big bro. You might just find that some things are actually worth fighting for."
Jess
"Yeah, that would be perfect. Thanks so much for letting me know. Hopefully it won't be too hard me getting her out of there. She won't have that kind of service at my place, I can assure you." I smile down the phone. "Okay, well I'll see you in about an hour."
Today I am finally bringing my mum home. I'm happy about it, but I'm also a little anxious too. I know she doesn't want to stay here, but I'm not going to be here all the time and I don't want her to feel lonely again. After all that was the root cause of the problem last time. I'm hoping that being in familiar surroundings will keep her sane and both Jen and George will help me out while I'm away. Fortunately they’ve both already agreed to it and I can’t thank them enough. It’s like I have two fairy godmothers rooting for me and I know that I am truly blessed.
Before I set off, I double check that I've got everything that I need and that my mum’s room is all set up and ready for her arrival. Hopefully nothing can go wrong, but this is my life that we're talking about here, so it's bound to go tits up at some point. All I can do is hope and pray that my plan works out for the best.
"You ready to go?" I ask my mum when I enter her room. Her face lights up with a huge smile and it warms my heart instantly. If someone had have told me a few months back that this is how my mum would be and that we could actually hold a conversation, I would have laughed in their face.
"I can't tell you how happy I am to get out of here Jess. It's been bloody hell."
"Oh, come on. It can't have been that bad. Just look at the views."
"Oh all right, it's been okay, but only okay. Thank you." She says as she turns back to look at me.
"Don't be silly mum. You know you don't need to thank me. I just want you to be healthy and happy. Like I said earlier, you're welcome to stay at mine for as long as you need to. Now come on, let's get you home before they decide to keep you in for your fabulous charm."
The drive back wasn't as bad as I initially thought it would be. My mum seems to be in good spirits and the fact that we held a conversation for almost an hour is a bloody good thing, more like a miracle actually.
"You go and get settled in and I'll put the kettle on." I say as we arrive at mine. I've still not told her about my plans, and I don't know how she's going to react to them, but I need to do this, and I need to do it now. Otherwise I know I'll regret it for as long as I live. I can’t leave Max struggling on his own. There’s no way I’m going to stand for him pushing me away. I’ll go down fighting if I have to.
"Okay, that's my stuff sorted, now where's this cuppa?" My mum sings as she comes waltzing back into the kitchen.
"On the side for you. Hey, listen mum. I know you've only just got back and you'll need to settle in and stuff. I hate to do this to you, really I do, but I've got to fly out later on tonight."
"That's fine, Jessica. You need to do what you have to do. Do not let me hold you back. I've done enough of that in the past. I'm not about to make that mistake again."
"Jen and George will pop around from time to time just to make sure that you're okay and that you have everything you need. You know if you need something all you need to do is call Jen, don't you."
"Yes." She sighs. "Honestly, stop treating me like a child. I'm not going to do anything stupid. A bit of peace and quiet might do me the world of good, you know."
"You sure?" I really do
n't know if I'm doing the right thing here and it's driving me up the bloody wall.
"Jessica. You have a career and if that means you have to jet off at a moment’s notice, then so be it. What time’s your flight?"
"I've got to be at the airport for five. I can always re-book my flight for tomorrow. It’s not a problem."
"Give over. You're going and that's final. Thanks for the cuppa, you do make a good cup of tea."
"Well, it's not surprising seeing as you taught me."
The rest of the afternoon passes by in a blur and before I know it I'm on my way to the airport after leaving my mum in Jens hopefully more than capable hands.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to say to Max when I arrive. For all I know he could tell me to fuck off and put be back on a plane. I'd be a mess if that happened, but at least I could say that I tried. I’m going to fight for us and what we have, whether he wants to or not. One thing I do know is that I'm not looking forward to being holed up in a metal box for the next thirty hours. I'm definitely a glutton for bloody punishment. Max better appreciate my efforts. He fucking knows how much I hate flying. I guess that gives me a better advantage though, he’d never dream of me flying out to him.
Jess
"Excuse me, Miss."
I open one eye, and I have no idea where I am. Who is this stranger leaning over me and what the hell does he want?
"We've landed. It's time to leave the plane." He smiles warmly at me. He seems like a nice guy. He has a friendly face and it's a bloody good thing that he woke me up. I spent most of the flight practically hyperventilating. Images of the plane going down and landing in the ocean swept through my mind and I was adamant that we wouldn't make it. Next time I fly, it's probably best that I go to the doctors for something to knock me out. How I remained in my seat and didn't scare the passengers is beyond me. But, I'm here now and that's all that matters. It's finally time to face the music. All I can do now is pray that I can pull this off and make Max see some sense. That’s a bloody challenge in itself.
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