"What, not even Jen?" He laughs.
"It's not funny George." I reply, but when he reminds of Jen I can't help but smile a little.
"Do you know what it was all about?"
"I've not got a clue. I tried to ask Max, but he changed the subject and he's been completely closed off ever since. There's something else too. I've think I've royally fucked up with him." I don't even think I can bring myself to repeat it, even to George. I can feel my cheeks heating up just remembering my sudden outburst. What if I've ruined the most perfect thing in my life? What if I've scared him off?
"Surely whatever it is, it can't be as bad as caveman over there." He points in the direction of Stanton's but I already know who he's referring too.
"Oh, I think it is. Josh was harping on about how I shouldn't be with Max, that he's not right for me and all that shit."
"Okay... So how is that worse than beating someone to pulp? Don't get me wrong, the bastard deserves everything that's coming to him. Do you know what? I think I might just shake Max's hand for a job well done."
"I told Josh that I wanted to be with Max. In the heat of the moment, I blurted out that I loved him. Right in fucking front of him."
"Oh, princess. What did he say?"
"Who Josh, or Max?" Now I'm suddenly confused. Why doesn't he understand my predicament? He's supposed to know what to say in this kind of situation; not sit here and take the piss out of me.
"Max, you silly cow."
"That's just the thing. He hasn't really spoken to me since. I actually think he's trying to avoid me." My voice cracks again and try to fight off the tears that threaten to fall.
"He's a man. Maybe he just doesn't know how to approach it. Maybe he's waiting for you to come back so that he can declare his undying love to you too. Or, maybe he thinks you said it, like you said, in the heat of the moment just to hurt Josh."
Oh, now I didn't think of it like that. Maybe that's all this is. I really hope that it is and when I get back to the office everything will be back to normal. I can understand where George is coming from. I’d hate for Max to think that I said it just to get back at Josh.
"George, I really hope you're right. I guess there's only one way to find out. Can I have a large flat white to go and a cappuccino, please?"
"Sure thing, princess. I'll bring them straight over." He pats me gently on the arm and then gives it a quick squeeze. "For what it's worth, I don't think you've got anything to be worried about."
"I sure hope you're right."
The office is eerily quiet when I walk back through the doors. I have both coffee's in my hand and a little bounce to my step. Think positive. Don't look too much into his silence. I chant to myself on repeat with each step. As I approach Mal's office, the door is slightly ajar and Max is nowhere to be seen. Oh no, this isn't good. This can't be good. He's bloody gone and done a runner.
Deciding that I'm once again looking into things too much, I try and think of some other explanations for his disappearance. Maybe he's gone to the toilet? I guess he could have changed his mind about his coffee and nipped out for something to eat. Or maybe, in actual fact he is avoiding me.
Jess
"Hey, there you are. I've been trying to call you." I find Max sat on the sofa, staring off into space. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." He looks at me and smiles, but I can tell it's not genuine, and his tone is completely off.
"Listen if it's about what I said..."
"Don't sweat it. It's got nothing to do with what you said." He says automatically, while cutting me off.
“It hasn't?” I think to myself. Now he's got to be bullshitting me because all I'm getting is the cold bloody shoulder. My stomach is in bits as I try to work him out. I don't know why he's suddenly changed or why he’s acting like this. I need him to talk to me, not to shut me out.
"Max, tell me. Have I done something to upset you? Maybe last night?" I really haven't got a clue, but there just has to be something. His whole body flexes as he brings his arms around up over his knees and rests his elbows on them. I can feel the tension coming off him, and it's not a nice feeling. "Jesus Max, why won't you talk to me?"
"For fuck sake Jess.” He shouts. “Not everything is about you." I automatically flinch at his spiteful words. The very same words that came out of Josh's mouth a few months back. All I’m left with is a bad case of de ja vu.
"Wow. What the fuck happened to you?"
"I don't know Jess. Really I don't. But what I do know is that I can't stay here. Not like this. Too much has happened and I feel like I’m about to explode. I can’t do this anymore. I need to get back."
"What, for Stella? Are you bored of me already that you have to go running back to her?" I've got no fucking idea where these words are coming from, but I can’t take them back now.
"Stella?" He snaps, while fully turning to face me. "Fuck, Jess. Is that really all you care about? Let me tell you something. I've got more important things going on right now that completely outweigh Stella or any other petty shit. I can't do this Jess. I'm sorry.
“Petty shit? You’re trying to say what she’s done to you, to me, fucking hell, to us, is petty shit? And there was me thinking that you were a decent guy. Well more fucking fool me.”
“Jess. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Trust me; standing her arguing about it isn’t going to make any difference.”
Max takes one last look at me and storms out of my house. He doesn’t even say goodbye and I know that something has changed him. All I hear is the revving of his engine as he speeds off into only god knows where. How fucking hard is it for a guy to open up and talk?
The sound of the clock in the hallway is the only sound that I hear. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Over and over. As soon as I started listening to it, I found that it helped drown out most of Max's hurtful words. It’s on replay in my mind and I can’t shift it.
What the fuck happened? How did everything go so wrong, so fast and how did we end up here? I'm at a complete loss and I'm more confused than I've ever been before. In the past twelve hours, I've witnessed Max beat the shit out of Josh and I don't know why. I've accidentally muttered the L word; well more like shouted it, but still. To make things worse, Max has decided to go all cold towards me and now here I am, a weeping emotional mess because he's gone, walked out on me and I've no idea if or when he'll be coming back again.
My phone chimes to life beside me and I quickly look at the screen to see if it's Max. My heart sinks when my eyes witness what my head already knew. Why would he call me? He made his opinions of me pretty fucking clear as day before. I feel so stupid. I just knew something like this was going to happen. Things were too good to be true.
"Hello." I say as I finally answer the phone. I know what this is going to be about, but I don't want to talk about it. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and pretend that none of this ever happened. Maybe I'll wake up and Max will walk through that door, all sweaty and sexy as sin from his run. This is just a bad nightmare that I never want to experience again.
"Are you okay? I've just got off the phone to George."
"You have?" Of course she has. Any major drama and Jen definitely needs to know about it.
"Yeah, why didn't you call me? And a big fucking high five to Max for what he did to that prick. He's had it coming for a long time and you know it."
"I guess so. It still wasn't nice to see though Jen. I dread to think what could have happened if I hadn't walked in when I did."
"I heard about your little outburst too. How's that gone down?" She asks, and I can tell that she’s all ears as it’s deadly silent in the background. No television, music or anything.
"Like a fucking ton of bricks." I take a lungful of air as I admit defeat and try and fight back my tears. "I think I've scared him off, Jen."
"Oh give over. The guys bloody crazy about you. I doubt anything you do could ever scare him away."
"I wouldn’t be so sure." My voice cracks and I
can't control the emotion that comes through. "He's not here Jen."
"So, that doesn't mean anything. He's hanging with Luke next door. I saw him come over before. Do you need me to come over and stay with you for a bit?"
"No I'll be fine. I could do with an early night anyway. How did he look when you saw him?" I ask. I need to know if he’s still pissed off.
"He just looked his usual brooding self. Honestly doll, I think you’re over thinking this too much. Once you've had some sleep you'll feel much better and everything will be back to normal, you'll see."
"Yeah, I guess." I really want to believe that she's right, but deep down I know that something has triggered Max. He's never acted this way towards me before and I can only put it down to what I said.
"I love you, and if you need me, just call okay? You know it doesn’t matter what time it is."
"I will, I promise. Love you too."
Once I’ve finished on the phone to Jen, I take my sorry arse into the kitchen and grab the wine. Why is this all starting to feel too familiar? First Josh; now Max. What makes it worse, is that Max knows what I went through with Josh and he’s thrown his words back at me. I really thought we were in a good place at the minute too. Obviously not
I've been awake all night, and Max hasn't been back. He hasn't so much as called me to let me know where he is or that he's okay. I've tried to call him, but his phone is switched off. I was tempted a few times to call Jen, just to see if she could check that he was still with Luke, but that would make me come across as a needy bitch and I don't want him to think of me like that. It seems he already thinks the worst of me as it is.
How did I fall so bloody deep, so soon? I should have held back more, but it's too hard when I'm around him. When we're together, it's perfect. But when we're apart, my heart feels like it's been pulled out and ripped to shreds. I'm hopeful that he'll open up to me eventually, when he's ready. I just don't know why he's ignoring me. If I've gone to fast, all he had to do was say that to me. I'm a bloody big girl. I can take it. What I can't take is being abandoned without any explanation whatsoever. I guess all I can do is try and get on with my day to day life as much as possible until he’s ready to explain himself.
"I've brought you some grapes." I smile weakly. Maybe this wasn't such a bright idea after all.
"I'm not dying Jess. And grapes, come on. I've been eating this shit day in, day out, for weeks. You could have brought me something naughty."
"So you want chocolates, is that what you're saying?"
"It sure is." She smiles at me, and it's like looking at a completely different person. Had my mum been like this over the years, I'm sure we would have gotten along perfectly fine. But, what's done is done and I guess we can only move forward from it.
"So, any news? Do you know when you're allowed to come home?" I've been meaning to call her doctor to try and find out, but every time, something has come up. This is my life, so it’s hardly surprising.
"They're looking at releasing me tomorrow, hopefully." I look at her and her eyes sparkle with happiness and it’s bloody good to see.
"What? Why didn't you say anything to me?"
"I'm waiting for them to hear back about accommodation. I can't leave here if I don't have somewhere to go and I don't want your charity Jessica. I’ve already told you that."
"It's not charity, and I'd prefer you to be somewhere close..."
"What, so that you can keep an eye on me?"
"Yes. What happened to you mum, it scared the living shit out of me and I don't want to see you like that again. I've told you before, you can stay at mine for as long as you need. There's enough room too."
"Jessica..." She starts, but this time I quickly cut her off.
"Don't Jessica me. If they're discharging you then you'll be coming home with me. No bloody arguments. Do you understand?"
It seems like I have won the battle as my mum doesn't bring it up again. She seems to be doing great right now, and when she's home and in a familiar place I'm positive that she will feel better for it too.
"Well I'm gonna have to go now mum, but I'll give your doctor a call later and discuss the plans, okay?"
"Thank you. I do appreciate everything that you've done for me, you know."
"I know. I'm your daughter, don't forget. I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it." Placing my hand on her shoulder I give her a little squeeze. I don't think we're at the right stage in our newly found relationship to be comfortable hugging just yet. But who knows, maybe one day soon?
"Make sure you eat those grapes too. Otherwise I won't bring you any naughty treats tomorrow." As I turn to leave I see her scowl at me and reluctantly pop one in her mouth. She's definitely going to be hard work, this one. “And keep yourself out of bloody trouble.”
The office seems brighter today. I don't know if that's because Tim is currently dancing his way around reception or if I'm looking at things a different way. I decided on the drive over here that if Max doesn't want to talk to me, then he'll bloody listen to me. After all, we work together and it's not like he can avoid me forever.
"Oh, hey you." I smile over to Tim and he stops in his tracks at the sound of my voice. Anyone would think that he was shocked to see me.
"Hey. What are you doing here?"
"I work here, remember?"
"Well, obviously. I guess I just didn't expect to see you here so soon, that's all."
"Why not?" Now he's got me all curious. So I've had a few weeks off. He knows what happened with my mum and he was a witness to the Amelia and Josh show down, but now I feel like I need to be here.
"I don't know Jess. I think you've had enough setbacks already. Throwing another one into the works might just send you over the edge."
I haven't got the foggiest idea what he's going on about. So instead I reply, "I'm fine. Quit worrying."
"Okay."
“Anyway, enough about me. Let’s talk about you and George. When the hell did that happen?” I watch as he blushes at the mention of my best friend. “Oh give over Tim. It’s pointless getting all coy now. I almost witnessed your bedroom action on Saturday night.”
“We’ve just been seeing how thing are going right now.”
“Well they look like they’re going all right to me. I’m happy for you, really I am. I think the pair of you make a fabulous couple.” I smile at him and I mean every word.
I set off towards to double oak doors hoping to see Max and so that I can finally have my say, but Mal's office is empty. In actual fact, it doesn't look like anyone's been in here at all today. Well that's fine by me, I can wait. He's going to have to turn up at some point.
A small white square catches my eye as I walk around Mal's office. That's odd, nothing is ever left out on his desk. All documents, no matter what they are get filled away at end of business. Everyone knows that. I'm curious to see what it is, and when I take a closer look, I see my name written in Max's perfectly, powerful handwriting. Why would he leave me something on Mal's desk? This is getting all kinds of messed up now. He's bloody acting like he's in a playground. So he doesn't answer my calls, doesn't respond to my messages, but he'll happily write me an essay?
I sit down eager to find out what he's written to me, but also scared at the same time. His words from last night still sting. Even if it was said in the heat of the moment, he still said them and he’s got no way of taking them back. An apology at least would ease the pain, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting one of those any time soon either.
Taking in a deep breath, I unfold the piece of paper and read.
Jess,
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said what I did to you last night. My head isn't in the right place right now. Actually, everything's a little fucked up. Everything that could have gone wrong, has and I don't know what to do about it. I can't and won't drag you into this. You deserve so much better than this.
It breaks my heart, actually fucking crushes me to do this, but I don't have a ch
oice. I'm not good to be around and I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I swore that I would never hurt you intentionally, and I meant every goddamn word.
I don't expect to hear from you, fuck I wouldn't want to hear from me, either. Just know that you've been a huge part of my life and you always will be. I just can't give you what you need right now.
I know that you're probably wondering where I am and why I'm not returning your calls. Like I said it's for the best. By the time you read this, I'll be gone. I'll arrange for the rest of the development to be completed through Mal. It’ll be easier this way, for both of us.
Goodbye Jess. Thank you, for everything. And just so you know, I love you too, with all my heart. I think I always have.
Yours, always.
Max.
I re-read his letter a few more times, hoping that the more I read it, the more the words will change. He's gone. He's actually gone and left me. I feel numb inside. This can't be happening. I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn't expect him to up and leave without telling me, or at least without talking to me first. This is absolute bullshit.
So he’s gone and took the cowards way out. There was me thinking that he was a man. Picking up the paper weight in front of me, I launch it across the office and smash Mal’s award cabinet in the process. Shit, shit, shit.”
“Tim comes running through to Mal’s office as soon as he hears the commotion. “Jess, are you okay?”
“You knew, didn’t you?” I ask, as I turn to face him.
“He came by this morning and said he needed to come and collect some things before he caught his flight. I just didn’t think you’d be in, that’s all.”
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