Crushing

by Kelly Kay

  I tell him, “I agree. Let’s not invite questions.”

  Also, it’s insanely hot. He looks at me as we enter the fray.

  When we emerge, there’s an old Jackson Brown song playing. Turning on his heels, he grabs my hand, twirling me into his arms. He’s light on his feet. So much for not drawing attention to ourselves. Our faces are close to each other as he takes the lead and whisks me around the courtyard. Everyone is so drunk. Hopefully, no one is really watching us. Then I see his mother sitting on the sidelines. Sarah waves a little tiny wave at me, smirking a knowing look.

  His blue eyes are shimmering under the party lighting. It’s as if they’ve got glitter in them. It’s hypnotic, and I am more than willing to submit to him. It’s just not the time to let him know that yet. I’ll be his mouse in this game, but right now I want him to think I’m still the Hellcat.

  My head is swirling with moments of him tonight and over the past months. It’s like a new vintage, I don’t know what this wine will end up tasting like, but right now the color is ruby and ready. As for clarity, that will have to be put on the back burner.

  “Mr. Whittier, if you wanted to dance with me, you could have asked.”

  “It’s the song, Jackson Browne’s In The Shape of a Heart. It demands dancing.” He sings in my ear, and it’s different than the rest of the night. Passion on the back burner for a moment. He starts to mutter the lyrics. And I can’t quite make them out but I don’t care. “It was a ruby … hmmmm mmmm…in the shape of a heart”

  “And Ms. Parker, I believe I’ve told you already. I’m going to do whatever I’d like to you this evening.”

  “That’s an interesting point, Mr. Whittier. But I have yet to agree to those terms.”

  “Yes, you already did. I heard you. I watched as your gorgeous eyes submitted to me when my name escaped your lips. It won’t be the last time tonight.”

  “Fine.”

  He suddenly spins me out and pulls me back to him with magnetic force. Then he’s holding me closer, and his lips are grazing my ear. He begins singing the lyrics, and they’re haunting and beautiful. And with each word, my skin prickles with passion. He stops signing. I listen intently to hear the lyrics he won’t sing in my ear.

  People speak of love don’t know what they're thinking of

  Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove

  It’s a break-up song, but the way he sings it, sounds to me like he feels he needs to earn love by fighting through. I guess I feel that way too. That no one can go into a relationship or love without knowing there are shallows and pitfalls. The trick is that you choose to do it anyway. I haven’t made that choice in a long time or ever. The feel of his arms around me, his breath prickling my skin and the smile in his eyes are the reason I can feel myself slip. It’s okay to fall. This is how I’ll hear the song from now on.

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Josh

  Shit, I need to get away from this woman before I scare her. I am drunk and getting carried away. Scaring myself a bit as well. This is more than lust, and I know she feels it too. I should stop, tell her I have to go back to Santa Barbara tomorrow. But I can’t seem to help myself from pushing her deeper into my arms.

  I’m so fucking addicted to her I’m afraid she’ll take everything. I shouldn’t be here, but then this temptress moved into my Farmhouse, and I haven’t been able to leave or shake the feelings that grow more intense every day.

  I can’t walk away. Not without one more night under the stars in the Valley of the Moon that I do love despite my best efforts to leave it behind. Just another taste of Elle. I’m learning that the glass will never be full enough.

  The song is almost over, and I can hear ABBA crossfading under the end of this one. I’m still holding her close. I inhale her most perfect perfume, now mixed with the smell of her sex and me. She moves her hands in my hair, and I want to take her far away from here and do nasty things to her. I also simply want to kiss her. I don’t usually do sweet, but this woman’s scent does terrible things to my mind. My dick begins to struggle against my ridiculous floral shorts, and I know she can feel it. She goes up onto her tiptoes. I bend down to hear her ever so sexy sigh in my ear. Then she whispers, “I’m ready as well.”

  “Wet?”

  “Drenched. Shocked it’s not dripping into my sandals.”

  “Stay that way.”

  I remove her arms from her neck. I don’t want to, but I do need to settle my dick down. Seeing my mother on the couches helps quite a bit. I kiss Elle’s hand and release her. I walk over to see my mom as Dancing Queen begins, and my father leaves her to take over the dance floor again. He’s a dancer, she’s not. She looks content but a little run down.

  I sit down, slipping my arm around her. “You look tired, Mom.”

  “I’m fine. Just been a long couple of days. The party is so great, honey. You did a wonderful job.”

  I feel as if she’s changing the subject. “Mom, in my entire life you’ve never been tired. You’re the Energizer Bunny.” She takes my hand and looks as if she’s going to tell me something. She kisses my cheek and I squeeze her hand.

  “Age comes for us all, my dear.”

  “That’s it? Age?”

  “For now, my darling. That’s it for now.”

  “Okay.” I’m going to keep an eye on her, but I’ll believe her because I’ve seen my dad slow down a bit as well. He’s developed quite the old man bags under his eyes in the past year. I guess I just don’t want to see them age because I was an ass who pissed away years being angry at the wind and staying away from them for no reason.

  “It really is one of our better parties.” I sip wine from my mom’s glass.

  “It was Elle and Randy.”

  Mom corrects me, “You mean it was Randy and then Elle.”

  I laugh at my mom knowing full well that whatever we do, Elle will rearrange it and convince us it was our idea. Taking my mom's hand again and settling back into the couch, we watch the crowd dance.

  The Serena engagement debacle was the defining moment of my terrible and lost behavior. Well, there was that flare up when I canceled Elle’s dinner and disregarded them as experts. It’s like a sharp stab to my heart to think of that. That was deplorable of me, and I realize that was the cold Lucien, grandfather part of my DNA.

  I was so concentrated on not becoming him I left here and became him anyway. Only business, money, and power mattered. It carried into my personal life without me realizing it. I thought I had to distance myself from this world to have my own.

  I'm starting to see that I was wrong. I leave tomorrow because Sal will be waiting, but for the first time in a long time, I don’t want to go. For now, I’ll hold my mom’s hand and watch my dad be a dork surrounded by the love that they built out of this place. Even though my grandfather had a grand and stringent plan for the farm, it was my parents that made it home. They planted organic gardens and tended to the buildings. They grew the relationships with these people and the land. They started the wine club, much to my grandfather’s chagrin.

  “Mom.”

  “Yes, Sweetie J.” She grins, knowing I hate that fucking name. I want to tell her how good it feels to be here. But she looks tired. It will keep. I kiss her on the cheek and get up to go find some old friends.

  “Nothing. It can wait.”

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Elle

  I emerge from the bathroom, and Will is in the center of a large circle of people breakdancing. I stand there watching him for way too long. It’s hard to look away. Josh grazes up against me from behind, and my skin instantly pebbles. I had to go to the bathroom to mop up just a bit. He makes me burn for him. I hate and love every second. I’m so damn conflicted.

  “You’re still going to fuck me if my dad ends up doing the worm, right?”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Yes, we will.” He pats my ass a little aggressively, and my chest flushes. So do all four of my cheeks. I grab a Zin for my
self and Cab for Sarah from one of the makeshift bars. Then I cross the courtyard to sit with her.

  “Thank you very much, Elle.”

  “How did it go tonight at dinner?”

  “It wasn’t really our scene. This is. Josh should have gone, and we should have stayed here.”

  I knew that, but I was selfish and wanted Josh here with me. “I’m so sorry. I’ll make a note of that for the future.”

  She places her hand on my thigh. “No. No. I just hope you’re not angry that we came home early.”

  “Not at all. Did you know Asher was here?” I want a little intel on Serena.

  Sarah looks surprised, “Really? I wondered why he wasn’t at the dinner with us. He arranged it, right?”

  “Yes. But Asher came here with Serena instead.”

  “I’m not familiar. Who’s that?”

  I’m a bit knocked over. Sarah never met her son's ex-fiancée? What the hell was that boy thinking? I know bits and pieces of this story, but maybe Sarah can round out the picture for me. I’d give anything to introduce anyone to my parents, and he cut them out voluntarily. I don’t know if it’s my place to tell her who she is.

  “Perhaps Josh should answer that question.”

  “Is she the ex?” I look shocked. And she can tell by my reaction, and she turns to me and continues speaking. “We knew about the engagement, not from Josh, and he never told her about us. He forgot the wine industry is small. Some of our Santa Barbara colleagues asked if we were coming down to the engagement party that was scheduled at their winery.”

  “Snap! That is cold. He held the party at another winery?!”

  “He told us he never told anyone in Santa Barbara about his connection to wine. It was a couple of years ago. Josh was very angry about life. He’s never explained fully to us why we were cut out.”

  “How painful.” I wish he’d tell his parents that it was mostly Lucien that drove him away.

  “Yes, it was. But I imagine my sweetheart of a father had something to do with it. I trust Josh will tell us someday when he’s ready. Know this, Josh will never do anything if he’s pushed. Always been that way.”

  She smiles as her husband does the Stanky leg to the B52’s Love Shack. She explains further. “My father was not a kind or compassionate man. My mother was, but she died very early in my life. We always hoped there was more of us in Josh than Lucien. We never tolerated outbursts or his habit of pretending we didn’t exist. We always tried to remind him of humility, compassion, and caring.”

  “You did a good job. He’s not really Lucien.” She takes my hand and kisses it.

  Sarah grins widely and says, “In a brilliant parenting move, Will sent four cases of Joshua Lucien Merlot to Josh’s engagement party without telling him. They were just served to him with the bottles on display.”

  I laugh heartily and glance over at Josh. He catches my eye and winks. “Sneaky.”

  “It did exactly what Will wanted. Apparently, it was the first that most of his friends heard about the winery. And it turns out the fiancée already knew and had targeted him. I’m not sure if she knew he had money of his own or not, but she dumped him when he told her he wanted no part of the winery. More importantly, we heard from him for the first time in eight months the very next day. He flew up the next weekend, and we talked it through. He just forgets who he is sometimes. But he’s been intermittently in our lives since then. More so in the last six months or so.” She leans towards me and winks.

  “I don’t know if I could handle that. Him leaving.”

  “I don’t have another choice. I’ll always love my baby boy no matter what. Every once in a while, Joshua—that’s what we call his Lucien side—rears his ugly head. Will reminds him the only thing we want is Josh every once in a while. That’s why Will’s so happy and carefree these days. We’ve had Josh for almost three months now, since that awful day with the Lucien moment of canceling your dinner. I don’t care why he’s still around, but we’re grateful. I know he’ll go back to his life soon, but it’s so nice to have him part of our world again.”

  My stomach knots up at the thought of him leaving here. Maybe I’m already in too deep, perhaps he’ll stay. Sarah’s glass jerks for a moment, spilling a bit of wine. I quickly grab her stemware.

  “Are you okay? Was it too much tonight?” She nods. I say, “You have to tell me when to back off. I won’t put you in harm for the sake of a stupid dinner.” She looks exhausted.

  She takes my hand and smiles at me. “You think I don’t know that by now? The tremors come and go, but they’re getting a bit worse. Apparently, I have to start using plastic wine glasses or maybe sippy cups.” I smile but don’t laugh. She continues speaking, “The thing I hate the most is the loss of control of the one thing I’ve depended on the longest. It’s like we’re no longer a team. There’s a disconnect between my head and my body. And I know the symptoms will come and go. I’ll have to deal with a whole new set of things, but for now, I’m pissed off at my body.”

  A woman with this open a heart doesn’t deserve this. No one does, really.

  She continues, “But I did get approved for an experimental drug treatment down at UCSF hospital. They’ve done some of the clinical trials in Europe, but now they’ve selected eight of us for a control group here. I never thought a local would get picked, but I guess I got lucky." I hand her glass back to her.

  “Congrats. I’m so happy. Will and Josh must be thrilled.”

  She smiles, sheepishly. That may explain why Josh is in such a good mood. He never discusses his mother’s illness. I won’t ever bring it up. It’s his business to talk or not. I thought he’d chat about it at least one time when we were under the stars or on the phone, but it’s his path to walk. I do know that I’ll listen when he wants to talk. This is not something I would have said three months ago.

  I look around the courtyard, and he’s trapped by a couple of super drunk couples. The women are in flowing sherbet-colored caftans and perfectly placed hibiscus flowers in their hair and alternatingly pawing at him. Sarah sees me notice.

  “They’ve known him since birth. But that doesn’t stop an old drunk cougar from reaching out.”

  I laugh. “Go to bed. I’ll tell Will where you went. I have this. I’ll make sure it all gets cleaned up, and we’ll be ready to open at noon tomorrow morning.”

  “I’m not sure where or why you came into our lives, but I’m so grateful to have a beautiful soul like you on our side.”

  I tear up and hug her again. It’s like she senses how I can use a little more maternal love in my life. “I feel the same.”

  I help her off the couch. She makes her way over to Will, who is still ripping up the floor with the robot. I watch their unspoken exchange of how she’s going to bed but wants him to stay and enjoy. I wish for that. I want a wordless relationship. To be so understood and cherished that every nuance is appreciated.

  I sit back on the couch and look around the party. I finish my wine and then reach for the rest of Sarah’s mostly unfinished glass. I can now focus on the task at hand, then go about taking a hand at Josh’s task. It seems we’re on a predestined track tonight, and I’m wet again merely thinking about it.

  My skin and core are still buzzing at a low but constant frequency. I stand up to go check on the caterers and see if they need anything. I’ll tip them out and let them get on their way. I’m covering for Randy who’s now barely wearing his clothes and leading everyone in a dance to Fergalicious. I’m still on the right side of buzzed but rapidly descending into drunk and bad decisions.

  Samantha should have my ‘end of the night’ favors set up in the tasting room, but I need to make sure the ribbons are easy to untie for the overserved guests. Also, the trolley and car service need to be double-checked. I need to make sure all pieces are moving the way they’re supposed to.

  The tiki bars are almost all dismantled. I grab the last of the light-up beach balls to bring back through the cave to the courtyard. I’m joi
ned by the catering staff. We’re kicking them down the tunnel through the cave and they’re bouncing like brightly colored pinballs. My phone buzzes.

  JOSH: Where are you? No one gave you permission to disappear.

  I like that he’s looking for me.

  ELLE: Had to pay the caterers and supervise clean up. Randy’s worse for wear.

  JOSH: Not my concern. Don’t we have staff?

  ELLE: I am the staff.

  JOSH: No, you’re not. Surely, we pay people to do more of this grunt work. Where the hell is Mrs. Dotson?

  ELLE: In the corner of the courtyard, making out with the City Council guy.

  JOSH: Get it, Edna! Tell me you’re still wet.

  ELLE: Slightly. Less as I think of Mrs. Dotson but more as I think of you.

  JOSH: Sending actual staff to you. Let them do their jobs. There are people hired to do the job you insist on inserting yourself into. Stop fucking doing other people’s jobs. Now come to me right now and let me fix this wet pussy situation. Or you can head to the barrel room and narrate what your tits feel like for me.

  I’ve had quite enough of taking care of myself. I’m so turned on I can barely handle all these people around me. I’ll just nudge him in the direction I need him to go. Then once cornered maybe I can get some release. My insides are starting to coil up again, and I need to come. Soon. It’s like my body is in this constant state of vibration. A low current runs through me looking for an outlet and when it doesn’t get it, it circles back around.

  ELLE: My nipples are insanely hard. My hands won’t do the job. They need you. I need you to come here and suck them for me.

  JOSH: There you go again thinking you’re in charge. Nope. Do you even want to orgasm tonight? You’re pushing it, Parker. Now get that perfect fucking ass out here, and I’ll take care of you here. And bring me a present.