Dreams on Fire

by Annette Daniels Taylor

at Ashley in school. Ashley don’t look at me. Nobody talks to me all day. Kelsey, Isabelle, and Justine sit with Ashley at lunch. Catching glances at me. When I look up, they snicker and turn away. Ashley told them about my lies. Clearheaded truths about Mama and Daddy

  Threatening Dreams

  about my Mama and Daddy. I can tell why everyone is staring, whispering, all day. I remember how she slut-shamed Kelsey. Gossiped on Isabelle selling Molly and Adderall. Threatened to put them on Facebook blast. Now she’s friendly with them again just to get me mad.

  Liar, Liar

  Headmistress Whitaker’s office. Ashley inside. Told Mrs. Whitaker I refuse to return her iPhone. Mrs. Whitaker asks, Is this true, Shanequa? No. You don’t have it? I mean, yes, I have it, but— Ashley says, She’s a liar too! Mrs. Whitaker says, Ashley, please. I say, Ashley didn’t ask for it. Is that true, Ashley? Ashley says, She’s lying. Whitaker looks close at me. Like Grandma. Whitaker says, Shanequa, the phone. I place the new-to-me iPhone on Whitaker’s desk. Whitaker quotes honor code: Respect Bidwell Academy, respect Bidwell sisters, respect yourself. Feeling like awaking from dreams. Leaving the office, girls outside the door. Looking. Trying not to look. Thank goodness it’s Friday.

  Twilight Zone

  Home’s another world. A twilight zone. Mama cleaned up, smelling like a mom. Grandma got her washing dishes. She’s singing, loud. Grandma’s the same, though. She’s on guard, preparing for Mama to drop another shoe. LaKecia happy, like Miss Mary winning the lotto. Clock seconds ticking out time. This some make-believe? Wish I had some wine…

  Bus Stop

  Can’t be happy. Instead, just play cool? Don’t know how to feel no more. Like Grandma. Waiting, thinking, knowing Mama gonna disappoint us again. Just don’t know when or how this time. But it always comes. Like the bus. Might be late, but sooner or later it’ll get there.

  Our Apartment’s Filled

  for LaKecia’s birthday party. She’s pretending surprise. Hard surprising someone who sees and hears everything. Got good gifts. Tablet? We getting wi-fi? Karaoke speaker and mic. Clothes, bag, jewelry, body spray, bubbles. Miss Mary give LaKecia a PS4 and two games! Everybody give gift cards. LaKecia got bank!

  Karaoke Party

  Moving the room! Folks are taking turns singing. Everybody’s dancing. At Miss Mary’s request, Mama sings Mary J. Blige. She’s shaky at first, but she warms into a fire. So beautiful. Looks like singing fills her up. Folks chant, clap for more. Mama’s joy-coated smile.

  Before Miss Mary Leaves

  she tells Grandma Aaliyah’s picked up. Locked her up in youth detention. You pray for me, Cora. I don’t know what to do. Act like I don’t hear. Grandma saw my neck turn. You know Aaliyah’s in a gang? No, ma’am. Don’t you lie to me. Didn’t know. Knew something. Getting better at this game. Grandma looking all through and all around me.

  History Dreams

  Folks leave. Daddy calls. Got the bedroom phone with LaKecia. Grandma got the kitchen phone with Mama. Can’t lie, I’m high-key excited. Like before everything got bad. Like Daddy’s touring with the band again. Mama’s staying home. We get old-school family love

  Rehab Promise

  Daddy asking for alone talk with Mama before he gets cut off. Lie, punk-shush LaKecia. Put the phone on mute. Daddy puts pressure on Mama. Talking drug rehab. Planting trust seeds, watering faith. She’s making teary promises. They’re crying. Saying I’m sorry’s. Still in love. Mama’s quiet all night.

  LaKecia’s Prayers

  Thanks for the party, Daddy’s phone call, and Grandma being merciful to Mama. She makes Mama kneel beside her. Found Mama a twin-zee dress for church in the morning. Mama ties LaKecia’s headscarf for her. Won’t let her do mine. Grandma taught me to care for my hair, four years now. I’m independent.

  Don’t Know

  how to feel. Wish I could act like LaKecia, like everything is okay. Like tomorrow gonna be better. But, don’t know if it’s true. If Mama’s for real this time, or she waiting for a opening to bounce.

  LaKecia Dreams

  LaKecia says, How come you stay mad at Mommy? Don’t want to destroy LaKecia’s dreams. When I’m mad, it makes me feel bad. I say, Go to sleep. When I remember being mad, I get mad all over again. I’m going to sleep. Forget about it. You’re happy again. I figure, don’t be mad at Mommy. Forget about it, be happy with her. Okay. You told me Mommy was coming back. So? Dreams came true. She’s back!

  3:00am

  Gotta pee. Mama’s supposed to be asleep on the couch. Scared, I think she’s already gone. Promise broken for church and twin-zee dresses. Stalling, preparing for the let-down. Can’t hold longer, march down the hallway. See Mama cradled on the couch. Like she promised.

  Church Dreams

  Pastor is moved seeing Mama in church today. Asked her to sing before his sermon. She sings “How I Love Calling His Name.” The people in church love that one. Deacon Everett asked Mama to sing a funeral next week. LaKecia give me the “I told you so” look. Hope she’s right.

  Adulting

  Grandma wants ginger ale. Mama and me walk to the store. Asking questions we should already know answers to. Wanna hug her, but keep fighting her. She talks about Pizza Palace. She doesn’t blame me. She’s ashamed of herself. Longer I don’t see you, the easier to stay away. Adulting harder than she thought.

  Smoke and Mirrors

  Mama’s friend, Thomasina, is outside the store selling puppies. I play with the pups. She and Mama smoke cigarettes, talk. Thomasina’s asking Mama to go with her somewhere. Mama looks at me, tells Thomasina, Nah. Then she says something else I can’t hear. I tell Mama, We should get back. Thomasina says, What’s up, lady? And I say, Grandma’s waiting for us!

  Puppy Dreams

  Mama says, LaKecia loves puppies, Shanequa! I say, Oh wow, no doubt! You can afford to buy that? Mama says, Thomasina ain’t gonna charge me! Are you, Thomasina? Thomasina say, Hey, you and me, we go way back. We settle up later? Right? Laughing, we take a puppy home.

  Surprise Guest

  Grandma says, I wanted ginger ale, not a dog ! Mama says, For the birthday girl! Don’t care who it’s for. No dog living here! Already paid. Cash sale. No returns! That’s your problem. I say, Grandma, please? Look at her eyes. Grandma says, Girl, dogs add fees to rent. I say, I’ll pay it! Mama says, Kids need a pet, Mom.

  Not Allowed

  Grandma says, No doubt kids need pets. More importantly, kids need their mother. Don’t get me started, Elizabeth Clarke Stephens. You are a guest in my house. Bringing animals here... dogs not allowed! And you on probation! I say, You’re scaring Sheena, Grandma. Who Sheena? Our puppy! Then we watch Sheena pee on the living room floor.

  Three Hours

  Mama’s acting itchy. Like she just can’t sit still. She and Grandma argue steady, two warriors testing wills. See Grandma trying, wants Mama back. But Mama looks... regretful, street whispers calling. Maybe love’s holding her back. Mama pacing, tryna think something to say. Goes to bathroom. Sheena gets out the way. Mama leaves bathroom, says, Goin’ out, smoke a cigarette. Three hours later, Mama ain’t back yet.

  Somewhere Out There

  LaKecia’s organizing a search party. Grandma, me, and Sheena ain’t going nowhere. Mama’s in the nether zone. Found Thomasina out there. Grandma checks her money stash. Still safely locked away. I say, LaKecia’s birthday money? LaKecia yells she doesn’t care. Mama can have it all! I check LaKecia’s hiding spots. Tablet gone, cash all gone, gift cards still here.

  Another Monday Morning

  LaKecia, acting sick, can’t go to school. Grandma ain’t havin’ it. Got a job to do. Can’t change Mama. Your mama chose. Grandma knows, Drugs be calling, family be losing. She tells us, Keep praying. Keep trying. Get to school! Stop crying.

  Justine and Isabelle

  speak to me first period. Kelsey asks for help in the library. Ashley’s crew sits at my table for lunch. Ashley offers her iPhone. I decline. She hands out fancy water bottles. Sorta like hers. Fill
ed with wine. She winks. Cheers! What-tha! She whispers, Calm down. It’s just wine.

  Sip and Swallow

  We sip and swallow until alcohol does what alcohol does. Sip and swallow. Riding its chariot. Traveling netherworlds where everything is possible. And nothing is real. Like dreams, nightmares. Sip and swallow. Until you know why Mama craves… Does she feel like this? Sip swallow dream.

  Wildfires

  Everything happened so fast. Like the wildfires in California Mrs. Earl talked about in social studies. Don’t remember hitting Ashley. Don’t remember her falling on the ground. Don’t remember. I remember red, like rage. Red, like fire. Red, like warnings. Red, like stop signs. Red, like blood.

  blood

  spurting out between Ashley’s fingers. Holding her face like it’s about to fall beside her. She screams. Screaming at me. She appears to be a victim of my violent irrational outburst. She points at me.

  Red Fingernails

  Manicured tight. Screaming at me in tones never heard out her throat. I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding! She screams louder. Like she never seen her own blood before. Like bleeding’s some brand-new surprise. A squad of teachers run to help my victim’s injuries. You broke my nose! Ashley cries between teary, angry eyes. Sounds like her tongue’s expanding in her mouth.

  Like...

  the words hurt in her throat. To Mrs. Earl, She broke my nose! To me, You are done! Teachers and girls talking. Blonde hair, red hair, brown hair, straight hair, curly hair, short, long. Watching, listening to half a story.

  Time Slows Down

  Mrs. Miller talks to me. Her lips move, but I can’t hear her. I’m smiling. It’s so funny! I’m laughing. Ashley’s screaming louder. Miller’s face, really funny! I can’t control myself. Why are you laughing? Have you been drinking? Miller whispers, Shanequa? Shanequa? Are you drunk?

  She Is Drunk!

  Ashley says. Smell her breath. Check her water bottle! Miller takes the water bottle. I try to run, but Miller’s got hold. Now it clicks. Ashley’s plans didn’t include her bloodied face. Just wanted me expelled. She’s screaming– Call my dad! CALL MY FATHER! I know I’m outta here, for good.

  Flashback

  Dad saying, Killing that man was self-defense. The courts didn’t believe him. I’m a victim of our world, he said. Blood drips on Ashley’s sweater. Evidence of my crime. Was my water bottle the only one filled with wine?

  Whitaker Calls Grandma

  Tells her I’ve been drinking. I am in school drunk. Tells her underage drinking must be reported. Hands me the telephone. Take the phone, Shanequa. I don’t. Mrs. Stephens, we’ll be contacting the police if you don’t appear. We have zero tolerance at Bidwell Girls Academy!

  Whitaker Demands

  Talk to your grandmother! I take the telephone. Grandma? She telling the truth? You been drinking? I don’t know. What you mean? Either yes or no. Yes, I cry. Don’t know what you’re thinking. I ain’t leaving work early to come get you.

  Yes Ma’am,

  Yes ma’am. I know. You think getting drunk at school supposed to fix your mama? No, ma’am. Girl, why you go and do something so foolish? Didn’t I tell you to act right? Didn’t I? Huh? Yes, ma’am. Ain’t I tell you everybody friendly ain’t friends? Yes, ma’am.

  I’m Sorry, Grandma

  No use crying over spilt milk now. You made your bed. Gonna have to lie in it. I guess you grown now. I’m not, Grandma. Huh? I’m not grown, Grandma. Got that right. Thought you’s smarter. How I’m gonna take care LaKecia and work? Out here acting like your mama and your daddy? I’m sorry, Grandma. Me too, Shanequa. Me too. What’s done sure enough done. I cry. Shanequa Oni Stephens in God’s hands. This gonna be your biggest test. Learn for yourself to be yourself. I’m sorry, Grandma. Me, too.

  Police

  Police come. Police come through. Police come through the door. Police come through the door for me. Handcuffs on wrists. Mrs. Miller uses a sweater to disguise the handcuffs. Everyone knows what they are and where I’m going.

  Rumors Are Spreading

  Whispers through the hallways. Shanequa is in handcuffs. Shanequa is going to jail. Shanequa is a ghetto girl. Shanequa is a hood rat. Shanequa is ratchet. Shanequa is a criminal. Ashley told us, we already knew it. Ashley betrayed Justine. She betrayed Kelsey. She betrayed Isabelle. Tit for tat?

  I Was Always Told

  consequences are simple for those who call you outta name. No matter who believes, show haters where you stand. Some folks don’t get it. Some folks don’t understand why this word fills up pain. When we hear it time and time again. Some hear it playfully in streets. Ain’t play all games? Ashley wasn’t playing, her eyes got bigger, opened her mouth called me, N***er! My fists clenched tight. Didn’t hold back, cracked her nose. Reaction attack.

  I Am

  I know I am a human being. Proud member of this race. I stand strong and tall. I punched her in her face. I am not an ugly curse. I am my father’s dream. I stand here, expect the worst. I wish it was a dream.

  Youth Detention Center

  I enter through metal detectors, emptying pockets, recite and spell my name. Two giant steel doors. One in front. One behind. Wait in this small locked space. Separated from the entrance. Wait until the second giant steel door before us opens. An entrance to a new world. Slamming thunderstorms behind me.

  I Jump

  feeling the echo in my feet as the doors shut. Sound reminder. The end of everything good. Beginning something bad. I am scared. High-key-horror-movie-endof-the-real-world-devil-hell-fire scared. Is Grandma coming? Just want to see her, even if she yells.

  Once in County Youth Detention

  your own clothes are taken away. You’re given a poly/cotton jumpsuit. Navy blue. How many girls wore this one? Soap, deodorant, one pair white cotton socks, every other day. Fresh white cotton underwear, every day. Blanket, sheet, pillow, pillowcase. Brown rubber flip-flops. Toothbrush, comb, or pick given in morning and evening. Youth detainee must return toothbrush, comb, or pick to the Youth Detention Worker (a.k.a. YDW) after each use.

  Chump-Punk Dreams

  Cells are as big as my bathroom at home. YDWs control lights and locks. Need permission to use the bathroom. 6am wakeup. 10:30pm bedtime. Sitting on a bed bolted to the wall. Thin plastic-covered mattress, half-glass door. Such a chump, such a punk, getting brought down like this. Don’t cry. Don’t show weakness.

  The YDWs

  tell me, Take out your braids. Give me a paper bag to put my hair inside. Hair Grandma added with mine. I’m wishing for Grandma’s kitchen. Hard chair, lavender Pine-Sol, turnip greens, cornbread. Love. Feeling Grandma’s care, remember fingertips touch, pulling my scalp whichever direction needed to finish the job.

  Family Disconnect

  Picking out hair braids, taking out perfect patterns carefully crafted by Grandma’s hands. Each moment’s unbraiding hurts my heart. Daydreaming about yesterdays, while disconnecting braids from the braider’s work. Something smells familiar— shame.

  Girls’ Pod

  Miss Denise and Miss Barbara are the YDWs managing the girls’ pod. Pods contain cells and common area. On the right, a desk for YDWs. Telephone, notepads, pencils, electric sharpener, floor safe. Four closed toilet rooms on the left with sinks, soap, and electric dryers.

  New Girl

  Four enclosed shower rooms on the right. None of the rooms in the pods lock from the inside. Miss Denise tells me, Attention everyone! This is Shanequa. Introduce yourselves. Her first time. Remember your first time and be kind.

  Pod Mates

  Two girls on a sofa in the far left corner look up from a PlayStation game. Whatever. Two girls playing UNO at one of the four tables bolted to the floor. One looks up. S’up. The other, her back turned, steady looking at her cards like she deaf to sound.

  Another Girl

  reading at another table raises her eyes, getting glimpses. Another pacing in a cell. All a sudden, some girl yells, UNO! HA! I win, I win! She turns. Shanequa? That you
? SHANEQUA STEPHENS?

  Before I Can Answer

  toilet flushes. Little freckle-faced, round, peach-colored girl walks toward me. Call me Pinto! Miss Denise says, No, your name’s Mariah. Miss Denise, Pinto ain’t no gang name. My grandad nicknamed me. I done told you! And I told you. Your birth name is your name here. Remember?