Dirty Secrets

by Lush, Tamara

  "What do you do when you have the nightmares?"

  I lifted a shoulder, trying to appear casual. "I turn on the light. Sit in bed. Read. Try to do some breathing exercises my therapist showed me." Oh, and I also have panic attacks, scream, and sleepwalk—and burn shit down.

  Jessica's brows knitted. "Do you have someone you can talk to? Do you call anyone? A friend or...anyone?"

  I scowled. "No. Why would I do that?"

  Jesus, I hadn't wanted to come off so hard. I ran my hand over my scarred arm and opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  "I...I can't even imagine what you went through. You know, if you ever feel really bad in the middle of the night, you can call me."

  Our eyes met, and I prayed that wasn't pity on her face. Silence, thick and awkward, swirled around us. I watched her draw in a huge inhale, and I grunted.

  "Um, never mind that butter knife," she said in a quavering voice, suddenly looking down at her watch. "I just realized I need to be somewhere. Thank you, though."

  Jessica rose and walked away. As I watched her walk over the beach, my heart sank into my stomach. She might not be able to handle my psychic wounds after all.

  Chapter 20

  To the Rescue

  JESSICA

  By the time I reached the sidewalk, I'd caught my breath and let my ponytail loose. My fingers were wet from sweeping away the tears streaming down my face, and my insides felt raw and exposed. Between Leo's story of his PTSD and my feelings about him, I didn't know what to do. How to react. What to say.

  One thing was clear: his wounds and damage were far greater than my own troubles, and I felt an enormous pang of guilt about how I'd alternately teased him and been bitchy over the last few days. Selfish, even.

  I'd always assumed I was the type of person who lived to please others, but now I suspected I'd been totally unfair to Leo...which made me feel like crap. Sure, he'd ghosted me. But we'd been teenagers living in different states and maybe there'd been more going on than I realized. He'd been through hell in the war, so maybe he'd suffered enough. What sense did it even make to keep being angry for something that had happened before he enlisted?

  I wished we could have a do-over right from day one.

  Well, I could start again regardless. I'd get an iced coffee at Sunset Brew, take a moment to sit with my thoughts, then go back to the beach and tell him I was sorry. Never mind that it was difficult to reconcile the hurts of the past. Never mind that he'd hurt me, that Jacob had cheated on me, that it seemed like every guy in my life had failed me. Leo was older now, and he deserved another chance if he wanted one. We had a connection I didn't want to break.

  Yanking open the door to the coffee shop, I went over in my mind everything I had to do for the rest of the day, calculating how much time I'd be able to spend with Leo. I had to return to the hotel eventually, because I needed to relieve Nicole from behind the desk.

  After I ordered and grabbed the coffee, I went outside and sank into a chair at a table in the sun. Five minutes by myself to collect my thoughts, to calm down—that was all I needed. I rarely sat and enjoyed the Florida weather because I always was in motion. I'd never even taken a real vacation, which was ironic. Tourists constantly surrounded me, and each year at the sand sculpture contest, I'd won a trip to a Caribbean island. I'd always given the trip to Mom and insisted she take a friend. This had been the year that, had I won, we'd planned to go together.

  Now, we'd never go anywhere together.

  I brushed the sand off my shins and felt sadness welling up inside, both for the past and the future. I'd lived a block from the beach my entire life. Sand and sun were a constant presence. Maybe once the tourist season was over, we really would sell the hotel and I'd move far away. To the mountains. Or to smelly New York City. Somewhere away from the sand and palm trees. Somewhere away from the handsome Marine who made me feel like I was shattering into a thousand pieces every time I looked at him.

  I just wish I could be there for him and hold him at night when he wakes up.

  If only it could be as easy as climbing into his bed and living happily ever after. I wiped the wet condensation off the side of the plastic cup with my finger. I'd never before met a man who made me want to flee and kiss him at the same time.

  I sipped my drink, leaned back, and closed my eyes. The sunshine felt comforting against my skin and—

  "Jessica."

  The voice was totally familiar and entirely unwelcome.

  Jacob.

  I sighed before even opening my eyes. When I did, I stared straight ahead, and not at the blonde-haired, blue-eyed sack-of-shit. This wasn't the first time he'd tried to talk to me since our breakup, and it wasn't the first time I'd been forced to ignore him.

  "You showed up at my mother's funeral and my uncle asked you to leave. You sent flowers and I threw them away. You tried emailing me two months ago, but I ignored and blocked your address. I don't care what you have to say. So why the hell are you standing here?"

  "I was on the island to drop off papers at City Hall when I happened to be driving by the café and saw you. Can I sit down?"

  I shook my head. "Did you not hear what I just said? No. You can't."

  My eyes swept over him. He wore rattan sandals with no socks, khaki pants, and a white guayabera, a Cuban-style men's short-sleeve shirt that signified the wearer was both casual, formal, and distinctly a South Florida native. Jacob was five years older than me, and I noted with some satisfaction he had the makings of a paunch. His blue eyes, which I'd once loved because they reminded me of Leo's, looked at me pleadingly.

  It was hard to believe I'd allowed him into my heart. I'd been so lonely, though, figured no one would ever want me the way Leo had—or seemed to have—and when Jacob had walked up to me at that bar in Fort Myers, I'd allowed myself to say yes to everything he asked. Now I realized he was nowhere near as handsome or charming as I'd once thought. Actually, he looked a bit dowdy. And his eyes were nothing like Leo's. I'd been so wrong about so much.

  I openly grimaced, as if I smelled a foul odor.

  "I've been wanting to talk to you," he said. He leaned a hand on the table and another on the arm of my chair. His body was close to mine. Too close.

  I felt a jolt of rage and grabbed my purse. "Back. The hell. Off."

  Jacob straightened, sighing. "I've wanted to apologize. You haven't given me the chance."

  Apologize? Again? Jesus. Was this the part where I found out there was a hidden camera somewhere?

  My mouth tightened in anger. I wasn't going to dignify him with a response. He'd cheated on me, for God's sake, and I'd been ashamed of falling for his bullshit. Would he have refrained from cheating if I were prettier, thinner, more successful? If I had been able to fuck him like he wanted?

  What was the difference? I was seeing him now for what he was: a smarmy asshole with a paunch—one who wanted to talk and manipulate. No damn way.

  "Please, can't we talk as friends?" Jacob pleaded.

  "Friends? Us?" I asked. "Leave. Me. Alone."

  Jacob swallowed. "I deserve this and more. But, Jessica, I want you to know something."

  I rolled my eyes and sighed again. Would I be arrested if I doused him in iced coffee? No, I didn't want to waste the coffee. What if I punched him in the throat? Because that's really what I felt like doing.

  "Jessica, I still love you. I think I made a mistake. Please, let's talk. I was unfair about your condition. I'll be patient this time, I promise. And I didn't mean all of that about your body. You're gorgeous. Can you give me another chance? Unless there's someone else in your life now."

  When he mentioned my size and my physical problem, I really wanted to smack him. "As a matter of fact," I growled, "there is someone in my life. You are pathetic, Jacob. Leave. Now."

  My words came out louder than expected, and a few people on the sidewalk turned their heads. But I didn't care. The nerve of him! I sat ramrod-straight in my chair. If anger could kill, Jacob would be d
ead and a few people driving by might have been collateral damage. A flicker of pure disgust flashed through me, and I rooted around in my purse for my keys. Why wouldn't he take a hint and leave? And where were my damn keys?

  I heard rushed footsteps and a deep voice. "Jess. I am so sorry I'm late."

  Looking up, I gasped. It was Leo. Where had he come from?

  Before I could say anything, Leo slipped in front of Jacob, who stepped back a few feet to make room. Leo bent down and stroked my face with a strong hand, then kissed me full on the mouth, as if he'd been doing so for years. The kiss was firm and slightly longer than would have been proper for a greeting. His tongue even briefly touched my bottom lip.

  I think I might faint...

  "I got here as fast as I could, baby." He tugged on my upper arm, drawing me toward him, then slipped an arm around my waist, which was probably for the best because my legs were unsteady. "Leave your coffee. I'll make you a better one at the bakery."

  I was breathless and tingly. My mouth slightly open, I noted Leo was several inches taller than Jacob and quite a bit more muscular. Okay, massively more muscular. That made me happy.

  Leo shot Jacob a cool smirk. "Oh. I don't think we've met. I'm Leo."

  With his free arm, he extended his hand. Jacob looked even more surprised than I had, but he reluctantly took Leo's hand. I saw Jacob's eyes go to Leo's scars, then to his tattoos. His gaze lingered on the military dog-tag tattoo on Leo's forearm.

  "I'm Jacob. Her..."

  "Her past. That's what you are." Leo's voice was like steel.

  I stepped a few inches toward Leo, and he hugged me close to his chest. His beachy, salty-smelling male skin was delicious. I fought the urge to nestle my nose into the side of his chest and inhale.

  He was better-looking than Jacob, and way braver. And he was standing up for me—something Jacob had never, ever done. I recalled once when a snotty waitress brought a wrong dish—one with shellfish in it, which I was allergic to—Jacob had sat mute and allowed me to fight my own battle. I suspected Leo wouldn't do that.

  He addressed Jacob with a touch of arrogance and reproach, and I found it sexy as hell. "I've heard all about you and what you did to Jess, so I think it's best if you leave her alone. Forever. And if you don't," Leo shot my ex a hard glare, "you'll have me to deal with."

  Chapter 21

  Claim Her

  LEO

  Shaking with anger, I led Jessica away from her prick ex-boyfriend and down the street. As we walked, I threaded my big fingers through her delicate ones. We walked at a quick pace, still hand in hand. No matter my situation, I was determined to make her understand I was in her corner—that I cared about what happened to her and whether she was safe.

  Scaring that parasite away had been a good start.

  "Where are we going?" she asked, slightly breathless.

  "I'm taking you to the bakery."

  "But—"

  "No buts. Please." I knew I sounded gruff, but seeing Jacob block her from getting up from her chair really burned me. Counting to ten, I did some breathing exercises as we walked. I rolled my shoulders back, willing my body to relax.

  Jessica glanced at me. "Why did you say you've heard all about Jacob? I didn't tell you anything."

  I unclenched my jaw. "Catalina told me about the breakup the other night at the party."

  "Ah."

  "Does he stalk you like that a lot?" I tried to tamp down my rage. Thank God I'd followed her after she all but ran off the beach. I'd watched from across the street as she walked into the café and had intended on talking to her when she came out—I'd wanted to apologize for talking about the war and being such a dick—but then she had looked so peaceful and happy sitting in that chair, I hadn't wanted to disturb her. I'd been about to return to the sculpture when I saw the guy approach.

  At first, jealousy had flared, but when I saw her narrowed eyes and the sneer on her lips, I realized it was her ex. Then, hearing her strong, clear voice telling the guy she had someone new in her life had spurred me to action. That someone was obviously me, and I knew I needed to intervene and prevent that asshole from ever talking to Jessica again. It was the least she deserved.

  "Not really. No. He's tried to win me back and talk to me since we broke up, but I want nothing to do with him. He cheated on me."

  I muttered a harsh swear word under my breath. "If he bothers you again, we're going to the police."

  She huffed out a little laugh. "I don't think he'll bother me anymore, not after he saw you kissing me like that."

  Stopping abruptly and spinning her by the shoulders to face me, I grinned and stared at her. I gently cupped her face in his hands. "Then I might have to keep kissing you every chance I get."

  I lowered my head and coaxed a kiss from her lips, tentative at first, then deep and urgent. Just what I needed.

  I broke away, grinning. "I can keep that up for hours. Days even."

  She opened her mouth and gasped, then grinned. She obviously liked the idea of me kissing her, and that sent a fresh rush of desire through my body. Leaning down, I gave her another kiss. With a little bit of tongue. Just enough to hear a low moan erupt from her throat.

  "Let's get you that coffee." My voice sounded foreign and gravelly in my ears.

  We resumed walking, passing a T-shirt shop, a bar, and an art gallery, then turned down a street next to a dolphin sculpture before arriving at the bakery. I let go of Jessica's hand to dig in my pocket for the keys, but she stayed close, her shoulder touching mine.

  Once the door was unlocked, I let her to go inside first, then locked it behind us. Jessica stood in the middle of the room. She looked gorgeous there, curious and a little lost as she took in the recent renovations.

  "It's coming along fast," she said, pausing at a booth and running her hand over the smooth surface of a heavy wooden table.

  I stepped up behind her and put my hands on her arms. I lightly brushed her bare skin up to her shoulders, then down to her wrists. It was velvety, warm, edible. Waves of pure lust surged through my body, and I pressed forward against her.

  She turned, her ass up against the table edge, and gazed at me. Her eyes darkened, becoming more intense. Not from surprise or fear, though. This was pure, molten need.

  Jess put her arms around me and sighed pleasurably. The noise sent me over the edge. My hands traveled up the sides of her body, over her shoulders, and up her neck. Taking her face firmly in my hands, I leaned down to kiss her.

  Taste her.

  Claim her.

  Chapter 22

  Size Sexy

  LEO

  The kiss went on and on. I stopped to catch my breath and put my forehead to hers, closing my eyes. The feel of her arms around my neck, her body against mine, was almost too much to handle. She smelled like suntan lotion and fresh breeze. I'd never smelled anything so sweet.

  "Beautiful," I groaned. "You're so beautiful, Jessica."

  With a swift motion, I hoisted her a few inches so she was sitting on the table. She grasped my T-shirt and pulled me close, opening her legs to allow me closer before wrapping them firmly around my hips. We fit so damn well together.

  She went to put her hands around my waist, but I grinned and grabbed her wrists, playfully guiding her arms so her palms laid flat on the table behind her. I held her wrists firmly as I kissed her, my fingers splayed over the tops of her hands, my darker skin contrasting with hers. Our tongues swirled and teased, and she arched her back so her tits brushed my chest. That nearness swept my mind free of all awful thoughts.

  I released her wrists so I could cup her tits. They were a perfect fit for my hands, and she moaned low in her throat. Pausing, I looked down at her gorgeous body now under my command.

  "Leo, I thought we were taking things slow," she whispered.

  I lifted my head, my hands still cradling her. I pushed her breasts upwards so I could see their tops near the collar of her V-neck T-shirt. "Slow is difficult when we're together."
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br />   Jessica's eyes closed, and she smiled with pleasure. I released her, then arranged her hair behind her shoulders. Her face rested on my neck, and with each second that passed, she dissolved a little more into my body. We were both breathing as if we'd run a marathon.

  "Do you want to take things slow?" I almost wanted her to say yes. It'd be safer. But then I spotted her nipples poking through her shirt.

  Brain: off. Cock: hard.

  "No," she said. "Well, yes."

  Our eyes met. We both grinned.

  "Confession time," she murmured, unwrapping her legs from my hips.

  "Okay..."

  "You're the only guy I've ever felt this kind of intense..." her voice trailed off.

  "Need?"

  She nodded. "Need. Want. Whatever you call it."

  "I feel the same way about you," I whispered, and went in for another kiss.

  "But…" she broke away, putting a finger to my lips, "I understand things are complicated. For you and for me. And I apologize if I've been bitchy. I wanted to tell you that."

  My hands went into her hair, and I shifted so my mouth was next to her ear. "Don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry for a lot of things, Jessica. I'm the one who needs to prove I'm worthy of you. And I'm not doing a great job. I was a jerk back on the beach."

  I leaned back and smoothed her hair away from her face. "I shouldn't have sounded like such an ass when you asked me if I had anyone I could call when I have nightmares."

  A little scowl appeared on her forehead, and she paused. Then she seemed to steel herself to ask a question. "Why didn't you want to come into my apartment the other night? Is it because I'm bigger than when we were teenagers? Are you only interested when you're caught up in the moment?"