Dirty Secrets

by Lush, Tamara

  DEC. 25: I got my wish with Adam. A big Christmas gift for me in the form of Adam's beautiful body, his talented tongue, and his...! Last night, after the kids went to bed, he came into my room. The sex was better than ever. He's a better lover than he used to be—more passionate, more furious. I've never come so hard, or so many times. And all the old feelings for him are still there. It scares me.

  My eyebrows shot up. Whoa. Because it was Mom, the information seemed scandalous. Mom who wore mom jeans. Mom who wore reading glasses. Mom who liked PBS's Masterpiece Theatre and had never so much as showed interest in any single man who passed through the hotel. Pressing my hand over my mouth and stifling an embarrassed smile, I considered calling Nicole, but I wasn't sure I should. It felt weird to be reading about Mom's sex life.

  It seemed too private.

  Wow. How ironic. I'd been clueless back then that Mom and Adam were having a passionate fling. I hadn't paid attention to anything but myself and my own feelings.

  Of course, I'd been a teenager. I recalled that night early on when Leo loaned me his new iPod, the latest model. Until the wee hours, I'd listened to his favorite songs, ear buds in, absorbed by Leo's musical taste. I laughed out loud now, thinking about how I'd parsed the words to those songs and tried to figure out whether he was sensitive and caring—and whether he really, truly liked me.

  It took a long time, but five years later, I finally had my answer.

  DEC. 31: I'm hoping this will be the night Adam tells me he's relocating to Florida. He's been hinting about telling me something big. I even let Jessica watch the fireworks with Leo the other night. I should be paying more attention to them, but she's sixteen, and at some point, I have to let her make her own decisions. I'm sure she'll be a responsible girl. She's so innocent, though, and Leo's eighteen and a man.

  I can't trust him, even though he seems like a responsible kid. God knows I was like putty in his father's hands when we were younger. Still, how much trouble can Jessica get into at a crowded fireworks display?

  My eyes watered. Of all the entries I'd read in Mom's journal, so far this was the one that most sounded like her. The one that made me think Mom was speaking directly to me across time and space and death. Maybe it was because I'd just experienced such an intense rush of love with Leo the previous night, but I was suddenly feeling a little raw and emotional.

  Also, that night, that New Year's Eve after everyone else had gone to bed, was when Leo first snuck into my room.

  I wished Mom was still alive so I could explain, so I could prove my feelings had been right all along. Leo was perfect. Mom would see our feelings were the real deal, that our love wasn't simply a teenage crush. We were meant to be, just as I'd thought.

  The next page of the journal was tear-stained.

  JAN. 1: Adam had news all right. It was about how he's expanding his business into Atlanta. He also let it slip that he has a girlfriend back in New Orleans. Once again, that bastard broke my heart. Feeling really used right now...more than a little broken. Different than when Brendan left us. More personal. Adam has now rejected me twice. TWICE. It physically hurts to even write that.

  I shut the journal. I'd had no idea. Why hadn't Mom mentioned this?

  I opened the notebook again, but there were no other entries for January. It seemed Mom didn't write for the entire month.

  FEB. 5: The last month has been hell. Jess came to me earlier tonight and was in hysterics. She told me she and Leo had sex and she hasn't gotten her period. I was so angry, I thought I was going blind. I actually saw red. I can't believe she would be so irresponsible! I thought she was smart enough to wait. She said she used protection, then she said maybe once they didn't. She's in total panic-meltdown mode, and I'm so angry, I'm afraid I'm not helping at all.

  How could she be so stupid!

  I thought about calling Adam, but I haven't wanted to do that because I don't want to hear his damn voice. He sent me an email saying he's been thinking about me a lot and he and the girlfriend broke up, but I know better than to get involved again. My body wants him, but my mind remembers he's another asshole. All men are. He'd break my heart a third time if given the chance.

  Of course, now we might be grandparents. Being an adult sucks.

  Meanwhile, Jessica's totally dumbstruck in love. She practically floats around the apartment whenever she receives an email from Leo, and he emails her about fifty times a day. They talk on the phone ALL NIGHT. What have they got to talk about at such a young age? She insists if she's pregnant she's having his baby. This makes me a bad mother. I have no idea what the hell to do. I've failed, and my daughter has failed.

  I was crying now. I closed the journal for a moment, unable to go on, but I also couldn't stop. All the shame and anger was still there, and I had to know more about what Mom thought.

  Leo called, and I swear Jessica got a flush in her cheeks. It's maddening. She says she's going to New Orleans for Spring Break. The hell she is. And that he's coming to Florida for college. The hell he is. The less I have to do with that family, the better—and the same is true for Jess. Like Leo would be any different from his father. I'm going to convince her to get an abortion. I have to. She needs a future, not a husband.

  A chill flowed through my body at the thought, and I tried to fight back annoyance at Mom. I flipped forward and noticed the next entry was long and in tight cursive instead of an open, loopy script. At least these thoughts must have been killing Mom.

  FEB. 10: Tonight, I called Adam to tell him about Jessica. I had to. I had to put a stop to all this. Jessica was talking about using her allowance and her savings to buy a ticket to New Orleans, and knowing her impulsivity and computer savvy, she would probably do it behind my back and leave without telling anyone. The thought of my pregnant teenage daughter on a bus almost destroyed me.

  My pregnant teenage daughter.

  I called, and he agreed we needed to be the adults and end this. He put Leo on the phone, and we explained to him there was no way he and Jessica could continue their relationship. I explained, in very frank terms, Adam broke my heart twice, and it would be too painful for him to be around here carrying on with Jess. That she was going to have an abortion and that was that. That I don't want Jessica getting involved with him because she's too young, that he should have known better than doing what he did. She's underage, for God's sake! Jess needs to focus on school and making something of herself.

  Leo was upset at first. He insisted he loved Jessica and he would marry her if she was pregnant, but I know he's just thinking with his hormones. He's eighteen and doesn't know any better. I will say this, he seems like an honorable young man. Am I doing the wrong thing by interfering? But…no, given who his father is...he's just putting on a façade. I have to be the parent here.

  My stomach clenched, but I read on.

  FEB. 19: A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Jessica's not pregnant! I guess it was just all the stress that made her period late. Thank God. I called Adam today, and he passed along the news to Leo. Adam and I agreed, however, it was in everyone's best interest for the two kids to stay separated.

  Thank God Leo agreed. He said he didn't want to disrespect his father's wishes or mine. He agreed he would no longer contact Jessica, though he asked me to tell her goodbye if I would. We all decided it was better that way, since Jessica can be so persuasive. If they were to talk, she would detect something was up and possibly try to go away with him. That can't happen.

  Adam and I decided it made more sense to act as though Leo just didn't care anymore and didn't want to talk to her. Hell, he would have eventually done that anyway. He's going into the Marines. His father is making sure of that.

  So, this all worked out. I'm sorry for Jessica's coming heartbreak, but at least I saved her from something worse in the future. And I saved me too. Imagine if they'd actually gotten married! I'd have to see Adam for the rest of my damn life. Imagine those Thanksgiving dinners. No freaking way.

  Th
ere'll be a better guy for Jess at some point, someone who isn't so likely to be a womanizer like his father. Maybe Leo realized that too. Maybe that's why it was so easy for him to walk away. I guess I'm grateful for that.

  What?

  New tears flowed down my cheeks.

  Leo had known everything all these years and he hadn’t told me? Mom had made this decision, and he'd just gone along with it? Rage surged through me, and I tossed the journal on the nightstand. My blood burned, growing even hotter when I realized I'd allowed a liar to make love to me the previous night. A betrayer. Mom and Leo had both kept me in the dark and made decisions for me.

  The two people I loved most.

  Why? Why had he lied about vanishing from my life? Why hadn't he just been honest? I could forgive his mistake as a teenager, I guessed, especially because we'd grown and become better people, older and wiser, but that night we stood in his bakery, he should have mentioned my mother and his father's relationship. He should have been honest about everything. Otherwise, he was just like Jacob.

  My mind went back to that conversation in the bakery. He'd said he wanted to save me from heartbreak in case he died in action. What kind of bullshit was that? Why not just tell me the truth?

  Ugh. There was no getting around it: I was a bad judge of character, like my selfish mother. I continued to choose men who kept secrets from me, and with Leo, it was even worse, because our chemistry was impossibly perfect. But that would end. Today.

  With great timing, Leo walked in. He was grinning.

  "Good morning, sleepyhead," he said. He carried a tray with croissants, orange juice, and coffee. "I have breakfast for you."

  My eyes flashed, and my words came out in a hiss of air. "I'm not hungry."

  Leo eyed me quizzically and set the tray on the bureau, then sank onto the bed next to me. "You okay, babe?"

  "I was until I read this." I twisted to grab Mom's notebook and found the incriminating entries. I set it roughly on his lap, then jerked my leg away so I wasn't touching him. The idea of kissing him, of caressing him tenderly, made my chest hurt with doubt and misery. When he didn't move, I shoved the open notebook up into his hands.

  "Here," I said. "Read."

  "What's this?"

  I couldn't look at him at first, then fixed him with an icy stare. "My mother's journal. From when we met."

  His eyes grew wide, and he read. He licked his lips, and after several moments of reading and flipping pages, he closed the notebook.

  "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I was going to explain everything to you, but you said you didn't want to dredge up the past."

  "You screwed me without telling me you knew all along why we broke up? That you bailed on me because my mother asked!"

  Leo winced. "Jess, what we did wasn't screw—"

  "Let me talk," I interrupted. "Do you know how much you hurt me all those years ago? How it took me so long to trust men after that? And when I did trust, I chose Jacob, a total loser who didn't have the balls to tell me he needed to have sex or it was done. Of course, it seems like I've chosen another man who doesn't trust me with reality."

  I was furious, ranting. Part of me knew I wasn't being wholly fair, and that I was suddenly blaming Leo for everything: Jacob, Brendan, Mom's death, my own shortcomings and choices. That wasn't fair, since Leo had gone through more than his share of tragedy, and yet he also deserved my anger.

  "Why didn't you tell me?" I fumed. "All those years ago, you knew the reason why our parents didn't really want us together, and you didn't say anything? You took the easy way out. And then you didn't even have the balls to tell me when you came back!"

  "I'm sorry, Jessica." He hung his head. "I didn't want to bring up bad memories now that your mom is gone. I didn't see the point."

  "Didn't see the point? Did you see the point all those years ago when we said we loved each other? Why didn't you call me or email me? Send me a letter? A damn smoke signal? Why did you just disappear? Why did you leave it to your parents to tell me what happened? Which they didn't do. All you've done is prove to me my mother was right. All men are liars."

  Leo swallowed hard. "I thought I was doing the right thing by following what my dad and your mom wanted me to do. When you thought you were pregnant, I was scared, and my dad and your mom made me even more afraid. I thought your mom was going to make my life hell because you were a minor, which could have screwed up any military career I wanted to have. Or that's what my dad said at the time. I was upset, though, Jessica. I was beside myself. I loved you. Still do."

  I glared at him. "How can you say that when you didn't even respect me enough to clue me in on what happened? How could you keep such a secret from me? How could you just go off and ditch me? You couldn't write me a letter while you were in the Marines? It's cowardly, but at least it's a little more respectful."

  I heard how shrill my voice was, but couldn't stop.

  He sighed. "Please come here." He extended his hand. "If I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't keep the secret from you, Jessica. I wouldn't keep any secret. I would have called you. I would have fought for you and not gone to war, because I don't even know what I accomplished over there. Trust me, you don't know how angry I am at the decisions I've made and things I've done in the past five years. But I need you to know I never stopped thinking about you. Never stopped loving you."

  "So, why didn't you get in touch?" I folded my arms tight across my chest.

  "I was going to. I wrote you letters, but I couldn't send them. I realized the mistake I'd made and wanted to apologize in person. Then I was shipped to Afghanistan and I...I was in the middle of a damn war. I could have died, and I thought it'd be even worse if I apologized and you forgive me and then I vanished again. It may sound dumb, but I didn't want to expose you to that hell. That's the God's honest truth. I wasn't lying about that. I didn't want to break your heart again if I died."

  "Yeah." I snorted. "I almost wish you’d left me with just memories."

  I scrambled off the bed and stomped toward the bathroom. At the door, however, I paused. My face felt hot. Leo had almost died in the war. His friend had died. How horrible of a person was I to say such things, to hold him responsible for all those events that had happened so long ago? To hold him responsible when I truly believed he'd been acting to protect me, albeit misguidedly? He had just made love to me all night, beautifully, tenderly, and then told me he loved me. And I believed him.

  I was such a bitch. Worse than a bitch. The worst person in the world. What was happening to me?

  "I'm...I'm sorry, Leo. I'm being unfair." I let out a sob. I walked back to him, misery in my tear-clogged voice.

  Leo sat on the bed, his shoulders rounded, his head bowed. "Are you, though? Maybe I deserve this," he muttered.

  I sank down next to him. "No. You don't. I'm being completely thoughtless and rotten. You were in the war. You'll never get a piece of yourself back after what you went through. I'm being immature and I'm way too emotional after reading my mom's journal. I'm blaming you for too much, for hiding things to protect me. You won't do it again. I'm wrong. I'm sorry."

  He shook his head. "No, I let you down. I've let a lot of people down, Jessica. I'm still letting them down."

  "Wait," I said, grabbing his arm. "You haven't let me down recently. Like today. Look at what you did. You took over and took charge of what needed to be done. Thank you for making breakfast for the guests today. Thank you for last night. I shouldn't have been so impulsive and blown up. I'm sorry. Really. Please don't leave."

  He wouldn't look me in the eyes, and I wasn't sure what to say to make the situation better. Why had I been so nasty? Although my whole body was still tense and ready to do battle, there was no reason to fight. God, what had I done? He made me feel so damn vulnerable.

  Leo slipped out of my grasp. "I'm going to find another place to stay. I can't handle this."

  "But...but...you won't find one, Leo. It's Winterfest. The hotels are all packed."<
br />
  "I'm going to give it a try. I think it's for the best."

  "I don't want you to leave!" I could hardly see through my tears.

  His mouth hard, he shook his head as if to say it's too late. Then, without so much as a backward glance, he walked out of the room.

  Chapter 36

  A Chance

  LEO

  A minor celebrity on the island, some TV actress who was raised on Palmira and often returned for charitable events, made the sand sculpture contest winner announcement.

  Most of the local guys were staring at her and hooting, because she was that good-looking. I couldn't place her name, didn't know what shows she'd been in, and I didn't care. I was miserable. This morning had been awful, partly because of Jess's outburst, partly because I'd read a new online news article while on my phone.

  Arrest Imminent in Recruitment Center Arson

  Anonymous police sources had told the paper authorities had a suspect and were close to finding the person. Which meant...what? They were knocking on my father's door? Coming to Palmira? I stood in the crowd, searching each face, half expecting to be arrested at any minute.

  Jessica's caustic words hadn't helped. Our fight had sent me spiraling into old patterns of shame and self-doubt. So, why was I even here, at the stupid sand-sculpting contest? I'd never felt so foolish or out of place.

  The attention from a win wouldn't help the bakery that much, especially not after my arrest, so I should have been back at the shop making sure things were going okay, wrapping up the renovations so I could make the long drive north to New Orleans. It was time to face whatever consequences awaited. If they didn't find me before I could finish the bakery, I was going to turn myself in.

  My mind was made up.

  Of course, standing on the beach and listening to the local dignitaries talk about how beautiful all the sculptures were, all I felt like doing was fleeing. My desire to run from this conflict felt ridiculous, since I'd been brave enough during war. At least, that's what all my superiors said. The day of the IED attack, when I dragged Steve's limp body out of the Humvee, I'd ignored my own pain and injury. I hadn't wanted to run away from what was needed that day or any day previous.