The Bathrobe Knight

by Charles Dean

  As he finished the report, Maddock could hear the delight in his voice. He couldn't see into the darkness behind the archer's hooded face, but he was certain the smile there matched his own. I think he enjoys this as much as I do."

  From across the square, he could see the lithe form of Elaine walking back towards them as she exited one of the adjacent side streets. She was accompanied by an enormous warrior who walked with his Two-Handed Axe propped over one shoulder and a giant Mug of what Maddock assumed was Beer in the other. Sitting atop the Axe was a Helmet, swaying slightly back and forth as the giant walked.

  “It wouldn't be right to leave the bar without having a drink first!" The man called as he hoisted the Mug into the air. "Wouldn't want to be rude, now would we?" His laughter bellowed out before he took a long pull from the Mug. Beer sloshed out and ran down his face and onto his Armor as he walked.

  "Looks like you've been having some fun." Maddock pointed to the Helmet riding atop the warrior's Axe.

  The warrior grinned in response. "Found good ol' Captain Elmont at the tavern. We were happy to relieve him of it."

  "What in the world are those two doing? Seriously?" Elaine asked, pointing to Xane and Bear, who were crouching up and down while standing over the fallen bodies of a couple of players.

  "Looks like they're having some fun of their own," the archer laughed.

  "Yeah, we're done here," Maddock said with a shake of his head. "Xane! Bear! Grab that wagon and let's get out of here!"

  The two Minotaurs stopped their game and lumbered over to the wagon. Grabbing ahold of either side of the yoke, the pair began pulling it down the street and towards the town entrance. The archer quickly trotted out in front, assuming an easy pace to scout the way out, while rest of the small party fell in behind.

  "The King's going to be pissed when he realizes he isn't getting his taxes this week," Elaine said as they walked out of the town gates.

  "Or the week after," Maddock replied. "I guess he should have thought about that before pulling all the legions to the front and leaving such a small force here." Consequences.

  Qasin:

  When Councilman Wilhelm entered the tiny, hole-in-the-wall room, his face went pale. Didn’t expect me to know where your hideout was, did you? Didn’t expect me to be waiting for you, did you?

  “Have you ever killed a man, Mr. Wilhelm?”

  “. . .”

  “Oh, don’t be shy. Councilmen are elected, and we both know what happens to saints in politics. That’s why we both know you didn't get elected without committing a few sins, right? I know you’ve taken bribes. I know you’ve given out bribes, and I know your actions have caused men to die. I’m just wondering if you’ve killed a man with your own hands. Have you tortured one? Have you committed adultery? Have you ever stolen anything?”

  “What are you getting at, Qasin. I’ve done no such thing. I’ll have you kn--ahhh!!!” but before he could finish his sentence, the King had crossed the room and jammed a small Short Sword into Wilhelm’s shoulder, pinning his back against the wall.

  “Do not lie to me again!” he shouted as he wrenched the Sword deeper through Wilhelm's shoulder and into the wooden wall behind him.

  “You, you can’t do this. You won’t get away with this,” Wilhelm said as best he could, his face twisting in pain. That’s right, pig. Squeel.

  “I already have. Now where were we? Oh yeah, have you ever stolen? Did you sleep with another man’s wife or did you sleep around on your wife? Have you ever actually killed a man with your own hands?”

  “No. No I never did any of those things.”

  “So you’ve lived a pretty model life then?” the King tilted his head to one side, then the other while maintaining eye contact with Wilhelm. “I mean, other than trying to overthrow me and marching men to their deaths.”

  “I have no regrets. If the deal had gone through, this Kingdom’s future would be safe for generations to come.”

  “Safe? You would give our Kingdom away to those White-Horns and Black-Wings and pretend that we’d be safe?”

  “It wasn’t giving away. We were going to sign an agreement to form an alliance.” Wilhelm said, his defiance not slipping an inch.

  “Does it hurt?” The King took out another Sword and shoved it into his other shoulder, eliciting another scream from Wilhelm and leaving him firmly pinned against the wall on both counts. “Does it hurt, Wilhelm?”

  “Of course it hurts, you madman!”

  “What do you think it would feel like to be cleaved in half by a Minotaur’s Axe? To be burned alive by one of the Satyrs? Do you think it would hurt more or less than these Swords?”

  “Just get it over with, you monster.” So impatient. So eager to die.

  “If you insist,” the King said, pulling out a third and final Sword. “Any last wishes?”

  “Just . . . just leave my wife and children alone. They had no part in this.”

  “Done. Though I wasn’t going to harm them anyways. I’m just planning on sending them to Valcrest to live with the other Councilmen’s families. After all, we can’t have them in the capital when I publish the evidence of your treachery.” The King took one final Sword and shoved it right into Wilhelm’s heart.

  You have reached Level 74!

  He had been worth a lot more experience than the others. The King pulled the Swords out of Wilhelm and sighed. With the Messenger, Anthony, he had felt bad. It was a hard thing to even consider killing a man for being born a pawn. With the Councilmen, he had felt no remorse or pain of conscience at all. It had even felt a little good. It had given him the same warm feeling he got from helping a homeless person find shelter or a child find his parents. Am I really a monster? Does doing what is necessary count as an atrocity? Or is it that I took pleasure in it that makes me a monster?

  “Anthony, you can come in now,” he called to the man waiting outside. Anthony came in and turned his head immediately away from the sight.

  “You’ve done good work tonight, Anthony. Their deaths have saved many lives.” The King couldn’t help but feel bad saying it. It’s the same weak excuse the Councilmen all gave. One person’s death saves another’s life. “Now there are onlythree pieces left on the board. We need to meet with the Black-wings, White-Horns and our champion. Take care of it.”

  “Yes, Your Majesty.” Anthony said as he bowed. He seemed to leave the scene quicker with every kill. Were his legs leveling up with his cowardice?

  Wilhelm might not have had the wrong idea. Instead of focusing only on the Human Empire, perhaps I should be expanding.

  Kass:

  Even after reaching the silver ore mine a few hours later, Kass was still curious about what was going on with Darwin. The clues kept piling up in her head, but she couldn’t figure out the one crucial detail she was missing. Each interaction with the merchants had felt real. It hadn’t felt like they were in a game at all. In fact, her entire time in town shopping with him had felt just like it would if she had dragged one of her old boyfriends shopping.

  She had taken especially critical note of the interaction with the Armor merchant who had customized Darwin’s Bathrobe. Had any merchant before made a custom piece of gear that may as well have qualified as a unique boss drop for someone? Had any merchant before offered this service in response to a player’s own visualized uncertainty? The game had only been out a week so it’s not like anyone had a lot of experience in the area, but she could almost say with certainty that the answer was ‘no.’ No merchant had done that for anyone. Something was definitely weird with Darwin, but she didn’t have all the clues yet.

  Before they stepped into the cave, which was a simple unlit hole on the side of the cliff so dark it looked like a portal to the void, Kass cast her spell ‘Binding Light’ on the top of her Staff. The spell, a Level 1 spell usable by all casting classes, did no damage but instead created a luminescent globe of light that now sat on top of her Staff’s beautiful sapphire, allowing the staff to double as a su
per-effective blue torch.

  “There. This should hold us for two hours before I have to recast it,” she said, wearing an ear to ear grin. The Frost Mage really is the most useful Class in the game.

  “Thanks, I really didn’t plan ahead about the light. Glad you’re here,” Darwin patted Kass on the back.

  “No problem,” Kass said, stopping in her tracks as she saw the first monster of the silver ore mine. She had expected to see goblins or orcs or one of the other grotesque monsters she knew from any one of the thousands of dungeon-crawlers that used the same enemies. Instead she was greeted by what could only be described as the product of spilt coffee on a game designer’s notepad, Turtle-Wolves. They had the shell and awkward necks that one expects of a turtle, but their limbs were hairy wolf-like appendages and their face was a gruesome wolf’s face with the signature yellow eyes and mangy snout included. Kass could see four of them in total, all standing on their feet and holding Spears like they were Guards to a town.

  “A turtle and a dog in one? I can see this as a tribute to asian soup chefs,” Darwin said, showing no shame for his ignorant and culturally insensitive comment as he equipped his Axes and began to charge the level 35 Turtle-Wolves. Kass could practically count out how long it would take for him to reach them since she had seen the charge so many times.

  I should probably help the goof, she thought, slamming her Staff into the ground and activating her spell ‘Winter is Coming.’ It was a high level bind that shot ice chains out of the ground and around the ankles of the Turtle-Wolves, leaving them both chilled and stuck in place. She was happy to have such a high Damage tank when casting it though because often the spell could get you killed with how much aggro it drew. By the time the chains had worn off Darwin had killed all four Turtle-Wolves and was already charging the next camp.

  How does he run so fast with two Axes in Slippers? He’s like a deadly pajama sprinter in those Slippers, Kass complained, trying her best to keep up as he ran from mob to mob. Most of her spells took a few seconds to channel. Some even took almost a minute. Her deadliest spells with the most AoE could take up to two or three minutes. This meant that when she was chasing after the Bathrobe Knight, she simply couldn’t cast them and had to rely on her signature spell ‘Snowball’s Chance’ to freeze the enemies. On one hand, it made Kass really sad because she wanted to see the ‘Ice Dragon’s Dance,’ but on the other hand, it meant that they were getting EXP way faster than the other players.

  As the pace slowed down, Kass decided to break the silence. Darwin seemed to always get too wrapped up in his work as a cheap but premium-quality Kass-leveling-bot to remember that he could talk. “So what do you do for a living? Or are you like me, currently unemployed?”

  “You’re unemployed?” Darwin asked, dodging the question.

  “Yeah. I just graduated college, and everyone tells me I need five to ten years of experience to get jobs I want. I did get a sterling offer to work at Pizza Hut though.”

  “Not a big fan of getting your crust stuffed?”

  “Something like that. Anyways, what about you? What do you do?”

  “What did I do before Tiqpa? I was something of an accountant, though on most days it felt like I was just a glorified data entry clerk. Anyways, if you don’t have a job, do you live with your parents?”

  “Dad. I live with my dad. My mom passed away when I was young.” Is it just my imagination or did Darwin say ‘before Tiqpa’ and ‘was.’ Did he quit his job because of the game?

  “I’m sorry.” Darwin stopped walking and turned around to face her. “It must have been real hard on you. Did you want to talk about it?”

  “Well . . . No. I’m good. Anyways, where do you live?”

  “Ah, I lived in Georgia. What about you?” he said.

  “Oh, me? I live there too! We moved from San Francisco a while ago.” He said ‘lived,’ not ‘live.’ It’s past tense again. Why is it in past tense? What am I missing? What is the clue I am missing?

  Kass wasn’t sure what to ask next, but she didn’t have time to think about it. A group of 7 Turtle-Wolves had spotted them, and the conversation came to a grinding halt as she pointed them out, and Darwin turned around and did his same reckless charge as always. Kass raised her Staff and leveled it at the one in the far back. Forget it, if these guys are going to ruin my fun, then I’m going to ruin theirs, ‘Frigid Blast!’ The spell did nothing at first, but after a dozen or so seconds it shot out a strong gust of wind carrying a series of icicles.

  You have done 550 Damage!

  Wow! That’s way more damage than my usual spell. Too bad it took so long to cast that it only hit one player.

  “So, what games did you play before Tiqpa?”

  “Oh, I used to be really into the MMO Emerald Gardens. I was commander of a good group of guys,” Darwin paused in speech and movement like he had a sudden thought and then just fired the question back. “What about you?”

  “Oh. I wasn’t too into games before Tiqpa. Tiqpa just looked super beautiful. But I did occasionally play Emerald Gardens. My character name was Smiling Grumpy Cat. I never got to top level though. That said, I used to play all the time with my friends from the university.

  “I’ve been wondering. Kass, do you . . .” he stopped mid-sentence as a Spear came hurling at him.

  Been wondering what? Can’t you kill and talk at the same time? Ugh! The first time he initiates the conversation with what sounds like a very serious question, he gets interrupted by stupid Turtle-Wolves? ALL OF YOU HAVE TO DIE! Kass thought, angrily shooting one Snowball’s Chance after another at the enemies until halfway through her attack they were all dead and the only thing left was a status message window.

  You have Reached Level 30! You may now take on a specialization for your Job Class. There are three different specializations the Frost Mage can choose from:

  Enchanter: An Enchanter specializes in improving the abilities of his or her allies. An enchanter can temporarily imbue allies with his or her spells. Allies imbued with an Enchanter’s magic will receive major boosts to their combat abilities.

  Sorceress: A Sorceress specializes in harnessing the offensive abilities of her element. A Sorceress is given a boost to all offensive spells. Some standard spells will also be given an AoE effect.

  Magus: A Magus specializes in harnessing the defensive abilities of her element. A Magus is given spells to reduce incoming damage and escape tough situations. The Magus is also given the ability to summon familiars of their elemental alignment to defend them.

  “Darwin, hold up a moment. I have to pick something for my Job Class before we can keep going,” Kass called up ahead to Darwin, not wanting to rush this decision.

  “Okay. I’m going to play around with my status menu too,” he said, pulling out a pen and the piece of paper she had secretly read at the tavern.

  Hmm. Now what to pick. I wonder, if I picked the Magus, could I create an elemental summon that looks like Darwin and let it die a few times whenever he opened his mouth about Dresses or fashion. Actually . . .

  “Darwin, are you going to be on this game a lot?”

  “Yeah. I don’t see myself logging out much at all. Why do you ask?”

  “No reason,” she said, trying to hide her wicked smile. Just that I plan on leaching so much EXP From you that other players who see my level growth will demand a nerf. Tiqpa, I pick Enchanter.

  You are now a Frost Mage with the Enchanter Subclass. You have been granted the spell Frost Edge.

  Kass looked at Frost Edge, it added bonus damage to an allied party member in the form of cold, based off their existing damage. That’s not bad at all. A 15% damage increase in the form of cold already and I just got the spell? Kass cast the spell on Darwin and his two Axes slowly grew coats of ice on their blades that seemed to radiate an aura of cold. I wish I could have cast that on myself at the bar for +10 cold shoulder against creepy frat guys, or I could have cast it on my drink glass. Mmmmm, instant frosty beer.

/>   “Wow, that’s pretty neat. So I take it this is the only compliment I’m getting from you for a while?” Darwin interrupted her pondering with his admiration of the ice dripping off his two Double-Bladed Iron Axes.

  “Yeah, it’s one of the new spells I get. I can’t wait to find out what the rest are, but I should be getting a ton of buff spells as we level.”

  “Cool. I wonder what happens if I . . .” Darwin said, putting his weapons down for a second and watching the ice disappear off his blades and appear on the knuckles of his hands. “Now that’s amazing.” He picked back up his Axes and kept on down the path.

  He does look pretty cool with those Axes.

  Other than the promotion, their journey through the silver ore mine was rather uneventful, that is to say until they hit the end of the dungeon. For some reason Kass had thought, hey, it is an entire dungeon that is no more than 1 story high and consists of narrow corridors full of Turtle-Wolves, so the Boss is either going to be a wolf, a turtle, or a Turtle-Wolf, and he’s probably just going to be bigger than the others by a bit. That’s why when she finally stepped into the boss chamber she was so surprised she forgot to even breath for a minute.

  “What in the . . . heck . . . is that?” she asked Darwin, who, equally dumbfounded, had stopped moving as well. While the whole cave had been a series of long, tight, narrow corridors only lit by the glow of her Binding Light spell, the Boss chamber was a massive square room with torches lining its long silver walls. The chamber had to be at least 3 stories high, and it was filled with circular tables and chairs lined around them. Only one of the tables was occupied, the one in the middle, and it was occupied by four Turtle-Wolves and a giant, two-story-tall, white Bear with an accountant hat, all playing a game of cards. When the Bear spotted them, he stood up and roared, prompting the Turtle-Wolves to drop their hands of card and head towards Kass and Darwin in their usual Spear-chucking attack mode, minus the Spears. They were unarmed.