The Bathrobe Knight

by Charles Dean

  She laid out on all fours, and started crawling under the transport. If she stuck her head out the same spot again there was a good chance that they wouldn’t hit her still, but she didn’t want to leave anything to chance. She was awful at dice, so she went the other way around the transport: under it. When she was finally far enough under to shoot out the other side, she was able to clean up in less than a second. Men: they never last long enough, she smiled, blowing the smoke off the hot barrel of the gun.

  “Eve, you blew the smoke off the top of your barrel again, didn’t you?” Stephanie asked. Even though there was no way for her to see, she knew Eve better than Eve knew Eve.

  “I did not,” Eve lied, her face turning red. How does she always know when I do that?

  “That’s because I know you can’t help yourself Eve,” Stephanie responded from her seated position as if she could read Eve’s mind. “If a gun is smoking hot and it’s near your mouth, you just have to blow it, don't’ you?”

  “That sounds so dirty!” Eve almost did a spit take at Stephanie’s implication as Stephanie stood up and walked around to give Eve a hand up.

  “That’s just your dirty mind matching your filthy attire,” Stephanie said as Eve took her hand and stood up. “All this dashing about is making your outfit absolutely filthy, Eve. It looks like you spent the day in a pig pen.”

  “Have you managed to add the word ‘thanks’ to your lexicon,” Eve griped as she stood up and dusted herself off. “Where’s Darwin?”

  “I set him down behind the front end of this dinosaur,” Stephanie patted the rickety machine twice, “He’s perfectly safe.”

  “What? You need to have him with you at all times!” Eve barked at Stephanie while starting to head over to where Stephanie had pointed. “Do you not realize how important he is?”

  “Oh, so much affection. Perhaps I should protect him from you!” she laughed, easily darting in front of Eve, snatching the baby up and rushing out of Eve’s reach. “Careful, Darwin,” Stephanie whispered loud enough for Eve to hear, “this one is a real predator. She’ll spot you with that spoon of hers and snatch you up without a moment’s notice.”

  “Will you stop it with that joke already? This is not going to be a Luke and Leia mishap,” Eve protested, trying to dash after the faster Stephanie who was skirting around the transport. “Just . . . be careful with him!”

  “Oh, it’s okay. I know it won’t be a Luke or Leia incident. That was the bro chasing the sis; this will be the other way around.” Stephanie grinned ear to ear and then left off her dance around the transport to rush up to the next clear cover point on the side of a building.

  “It will . . . you are so frustrating!” Eve finally relented, still following after her but this time only to make sure she wasn’t left behind in the mission.

  “Of course I’m frustrating. You volunteered me for an escort mission. The only thankful part of this whole story is that we didn’t get one of the townspeople. How is it that they do mission after mission on their own when our units are out, but the second they have to be escorted they turn into fumbling idiots with an IQ lower than a French Model’s dress size?” Stephanie didn’t even bother controlling her volume as she poked her head around the corner. “All clear again.”

  “Well, by all means you could have gone with Jennifer’s group.” Eve snatched Darwin from Stephanie while Stephanie was still looking for enemies to shoot. “She got stuck escorting Octopus Hands McGrabs-A-Lot. I swear the only thing more annoying than how that guy dashes in front of the line of fire every five minutes is how he tries to grab at you every two minutes. If he wasn’t one of the only guys left and needed for the ‘survival of the race,’ I’d have shot him myself years ago.”

  “How is he different from you again, Ms. Handsy?” Stephanie giggled as she peered around the corner again. “I’ve seen the way you slink up on the other gentleman in the camp when nobody's watching.”

  “I am not that handsy. He’s just cute, and I like talking to him,” Eve blushed a little, then looked at Darwin and regained her focus. “Anyway, we have a mission to complete. How far away from the target are we?” she asked, not being able to see the same thing Stephanie was looking at around the corner.

  “Well, there is good news and there is bad news on that topic,” Stephanie turned to look over at Eve. “Which do you want first?”

  “Good news, I guess? Unless it’s just good news compared to the bad news. In that case, just give them both at once.” Eve was used to Stephanie prettying up bad news to look like good news just so the expression would fit.

  “Don’t be so distrustful. Good news is good news, and boy is it good news this time! We’re right on the target. In fact, it’s just around the corner,” Stephanie said excitedly while checking to make sure she had a fresh clip in her gun.

  “Then what’s the bad news?” Eve worried. She knew that when it came to a mission, especially an escort mission, it was never a good sign for Stephanie to be happy. With anyone else, she would have just thought, oh, we only had to escort one person to the giant blue portal that is supposed to save our race, and we’re almost there with no casualties, so of course there is reason to be happy, but not for Stephanie. Excitement, thrill, danger and adventure--those were reasons for Stephanie to be happy. Reasons Eve rather dreaded doing missions with her even if she was her closest friend.

  “Well, you know how we always make fun of the fact that they never establish a stable perimeter? How the bad guys always leave themselves scattered out in groups of two to four with no guards at the door, no real alarm systems and progressively harder enemies? Like they are trying to let you get plenty of time to get good enough to beat them?” Stephanie started, each word causing Eve to worry.

  “Yeah, I know,” Eve hesitated, looking at Darwin nervously. “What about it?”

  “Well, go figure they did that here too, and it seems we’re the first group to arrive.” she said, motioning with her head for Eve to look around the corner. “There are probably thirty of them, and that big ugly one in the middle looks like his gun isn’t for decoration.”

  “You think he’s the boss?” Eve asked, edging her head around the corner to see it too.

  “I don’t know. Usually the way they pick who is in charge seems kind of random, not common sensical, but your guess is as good as mine.” Stephanie paused for a minute and looked at Eve with a ‘you’re about to regret me doing this’ smile before stepping backwards out of cover and into the path then turning to fire at the opposition. “Toodles!”

  “Toodles? Who even says that?” Eve wanted to chase after her, but the baby in her left arm was a clear impediment to her going anywhere. The mission wasn’t just to enter the portal, it was to do so with the baby boy and ensure the survival of the species.

  “Eve, I’ve been wondering something,” Stephanie somehow managed to talk perfectly calmly while doing acrobatic gun tricks that even Eve would have struggled to pull off. “Has anyone of us ever died of natural causes?”

  “No, I can’t remember ever seeing it happen. Usually we just age until about twenty and then stop altogether, why?” Eve wasn’t about to let Stephanie get all the kills, so she put Darwin down gently and popped out to pick off an enemy or two. She saw the ugly guy guarding the portal and almost threw up. I’ve seen steroid jocks before, but that guy has more veins than trees have roots.

  “That’s exactly my question: why? We’ve run thousands of missions, generally no dies, and no one ages, and we aren’t for lacking in kids popping out . . . so what exactly happened to the generation before us to put us in this situation? Why are we fighting for our lives to go through some mysterious blue portal without even knowing its destination?” Stephanie was still talking with a voice that didn’t show the struggle at all someone should be enduring as they roll over the hood of a car while firing an automatic weapon into a populated area. “And the only clue we have to what’s going to happen is that some old bossy person from the village says
it’s the right thing to do, the thing we have to do.”

  “Well, now that you mention it . . .” Eve did her best to put together whatever pieces were rattling around in Stephanie’s head as she managed another headshot on an unlucky foe popping his head out behind one of the building corners two blocks ahead of her. If Stephanie’s smile wasn’t good news, her thinking somehow managed to be even worse. She had a way of putting together things, plans, schemes that even as her best friend Eve couldn’t grasp all the time.

  “Come on, Eve. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it before.” Stephanie stopped firing and looked at her with a sad face Eve didn’t recognize. “Don’t tell me that even you haven’t put it together . . .”

  “Put what together?” Eve tried to smile, but only half her mouth went up. What don’t I get? she thought as she looked out behind her building corner. What don’t I understand? She normally would have fired at something even while putting the pieces together, but everything was already dead. Stephanie’s acrobatics and twists and spins and turns hadn’t been for show. There were two clean bullet holes between the eyes of everything that was once breathing in the zone.

  “Just . . . just get the baby and come on.” Stephanie’s face fell as she turned and walked to the blue portal.

  Eve picked Darwin back up and followed, not sure where all of this talk had come from. A few minutes ago, they were happily joking around about guys, bad guys, and the usual inappropriate comments, but now she was acting all solemn and talking about plans and stuff without any reason.

  “Should we be waiting for the others to get here?” Eve wondered aloud as she got close enough to the portal to touch it.

  “No, I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” Stephanie answered before reaching out with her free hand. “Here, let me see the baby.”

  “Sure, he’s all yours.” Eve smiled, happy to have a free hand again.

  “Eve, I wanted you to know something.” Stephanie’s frown had mostly faded, but her face was still more serious-looking than Eve was used to ever seeing. “I really did love you, like a sister, that is. I just wish you weren’t such a good person.”

  “Stephanie, what . . . what are you talking about? Why do you wish I wasn’t such a good person?” Eve became dreadfully aware of the fact Stephanie’s gun was trained on her heart.

  “You’re just too kind to pull the trigger yourself. Sure, I’ve seen you kill plenty of these scum, but you could never kill the innocent and those that need to die for our people to live.” Stephanie stepped back, gave a forced half grin that her eyes didn’t match and shrugged. “I’m sorry, Eve, you really were a sister to me,” she said before pulling the trigger three times and leaving Eve clutching her sides. One of the bullets had knocked the gun out of her hand and the other two had torn right through her sides.

  “I . . . why?” Eve said as she looked down at the holes trickling out blood near her kidneys.

  “That you don’t know is ‘why’ enough, darling. I really do hate how cliche this all is. I really can’t tell if the overworked plot or the fact I had to shoot you is a bigger regret.” Stephanie slung her long black hair backwards and stepped through the portal while holding Darwin.

  Eve, still clutching her sides, reached her hand out after her. “Wh . . . no, you can’t take Dar . . . Darwin. He’s my brother. You can’t have him . . .” she called out after the vanished Stephanie as she edged closer and closer to the portal. It can’t end here. She can’t get away with . . . Eve struggled, but wasn’t able to even keep her eyes open. The blood loss was too much, and just as she entered the portal after Stephanie, her world faded to darkness and she found the growing blackness had muted her hearing as well as her vision. Is this how I d . . .

  -------

  Eve finally managed to open her eyes again only to wish she hadn’t. The light was too bright, the noises were too noisy, and there was enough pain shooting up and down her sides that made her feel like a mac truck had used her for a punching bag. Darwin!? Where is Darwin? She tried to piece together the events that had lead her to where she was. Where did Stephanie go with Darwin? she thought as she leaned up on the bed she was in while scrunching her face as much as possible to stop the light from beating her face in.

  “It’s called orange juice. You’re going to need a few gallons of it or that headache will get worse than a fifth of scotch from the night before kicking you at a company conference,” an unknown male voice said to her, “You’ve lost too much blood. I have cookies too since I always see them at the blood clinic, but they are chocolate chip, so you’ll have to wait for a warm glass of milk before you can eat them.”

  “Milk and cookies?” Eve asked while reaching for the glass of whatever beverage he had said he was offering. It was hard to grab anything though when each twist of her body to move her arm resulted in more pain. Go figure: first time I get hit, it’s friendly fire. I feel like that idiot who kept going duck hunting with Cheney.

  “What? Don’t tell me you don’t have milk and cookies where you’re from. That’s just silly.” He leaned in and made sure the glass was more easily reached.

  After sipping the orange juice, which was far tastier than any of the rations she was used to eating in the village, she rubbed her eyes and started to get a better picture of the room and the man who was helping her. For starters, he was in a full suit with a necktie, two things she had never actually seen before, and he had parted blonde hair with blue eyes, which were two more things that were foreign to her. She knew that the enemies often had blonde hair, but she had never actually seen any of them up close. In fact, most of the time she saw them, whatever hair color they used to have was dyed red from blood or brown from dirt. On top of his blonde hair and blue eyes, he had a clean shaven face.

  It’s like looking at an angel . . . wait . . . am I dead? panic almost got the better of her, but then the pain crept back up to remind her that no, she wasn’t free of suffering just yet. Then, other details became evident; for instance, the fact that she was naked in a bed with only two sheets covering her, and she had passed out fully clothed.

  “Why am I naked?” She asked as she peeked under the covers to confirm her suspicions.

  The question made the man blush, “well, you see, the vet I had come stitch you up kind of had to get under your clothes to operate . . . and at that point, I also didn’t really want you to ruin a fresh set of sheets with blood and all. Seemed like a waste of good linen . . . yeah, that’s why,” he fumbled for words as his face flushed and he scratched the back of his head.

  “So, you didn’t just do this to see me naked?” she pried, with only two people to draw from for experience, she was confident she could say that men were both the same, at least where her village was concerned, and this one probably matched the perverted nature of the ones she already knew. Also, she only just met this man, but it seemed fun to watch him squirm.

  “Oh, yeah, you see, it was only to help you. I wouldn’t ever want to see you naked,” the man who had been so collected when offering her refreshments had started tripping over her words like debris on a battlefield.

  “You would never want to see me naked? Am I that ugly? Am I just some old hag who isn’t even worth one glance?” she feigned anger at his statement, it took all of her effort not to laugh as his face went from blushed to pale and panic covered his mood. Why is it so fun to annoy him?

  “No, no, no! It’s just . . . I mean . . .” He looked like he was about to try and come up with an excuse and then just sighed and gave up.

  That was too quick. It’s no fun if the man doesn’t last longer, she sighed as well. “So you had a vet come by? I guess that’s why I’m still alive?”

  “Well, yeah. At first I was going to call 911 and get an ambulance to help you, but you grabbed me when I was about to start dialing and told me not to. I was kind of freaked out that you knew my nickname, so I just went with your plan and called a buddy of mine who has operated on more than one living creature,” he
said, leaning back in his chair and pulling out a piece of food to eat. When he saw Eve’s eyes following the food intently, he held it forward, “Cookie?”

  “Don’t I need milk? I mean, wait, go back to the story. I knew your nickname?” Eve said, unsure if it was safe to eat the cookie without milk.

  “Yeah, my actual name is Charles and only people down at the office call me Darwin, but there you were saying it over and over again every time I tried to call or leave to get help: ‘Darwin! No! Darwin! No! Come back!’ I gotta say it really freaked me out, so I kind of had to figure out what was going on, and, uh . . . that was four days ago.”