(Once) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  I pushed myself to the edge of the bed and grabbed my crutches from their spot against the wall. I didn’t bother putting a shirt on. Kat was used to seeing me without one anyway. I knew she secretly enjoyed the view.

  After a struggle with the stairs, I made it to the kitchen, but no Kat. She wasn’t in the living room either. I didn’t remember her or Mom telling me she had the day off. I pulled out my phone, about to call her, when the front door opened and closed.

  I hobbled out of the kitchen and found Kat putting down her bag on the couch.

  “I was wondering where you were. I was afraid I might have to make my own breakfast.”

  She spun around, her hair pulled back in a messy bun. Red circled her eyes, and her face was on the verge of shattering. “Sorry I’m late.”

  “Kit Kat, what’s going on?” I stumbled forward and reached out, taking her hand. “What is it?” My heart raced at all the awful possibilities that popped into my head.

  “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  I placed my hand under her chin. “Really? You’re going to use my own line on me? Try again.”

  Her lip quivered. She took a deep breath and briefly closed her eyes. When she reopened them, all the emotion that was previously there was gone.

  “I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not a big deal anyway.”

  “No offense, but you look like hell.”

  She gave me a dirty look, and damn if hell really looked like that I’d be more than happy to go.

  “I’m just going to keep annoying you until you tell me. You know how persistent I am.”

  Kat rubbed at her temple, her shoulders slumped and her gaze filled with defeat. “They shut my water off. Okay? I brushed my teeth with a glass of water I had on my nightstand from last night. I couldn’t shower. I was on the phone with the water company. That’s why I’m late. I had a shitty morning. Please don’t tell your mom. If my boss finds out . . .”

  “Shh.” I rested my finger on her lip. “Tell my mom what?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Why don’t you go upstairs and use our shower.”

  She shook her head. “I couldn’t.”

  “Afraid I might sneak in?” And man, would it be tempting as hell. Kat naked with suds dripping down her curves was right out of a fantasy.

  Her lip lifted at the corner. “That’d definitely be up there on my list.”

  “There’s a lock on the door. Next excuse.”

  “I couldn’t impose. Plus I work for you. I can’t go taking showers like that.”

  “No one needs to know.”

  “But I have to fix you breakfast. And . . .” I placed my hand on her shoulder and when she didn’t look at me, I gently urged her chin up with my finger. A vulnerability that I hadn’t seen before filled her eyes. So many times I’d comforted her when she cried, but I’d never seen her look so defeated.

  “I can have a bowl of cereal. You’ve been spoiling me anyway. I can’t get used to that. I won’t last a week in the dorms.”

  Defeat was replaced by a flash of sadness. Her lips parted and her nose twitched. “Oh. Does that mean you’re going back?”

  Why did I say that? The truth was I had no clue what I was going to do. College was my life for two years, and at times I missed it. But after the shooting . . . I didn’t think I’d ever be able to go back.

  It was like I was back in high school all over again. Trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Just like back then, I didn’t want to plan it. I wanted to live it.

  Kat’s cell phone rang, and I was thankful for the distraction. She looked at her phone and held up her finger. “Hello. Hi, Just. What’s going on? Everything okay?”

  I listened as Kat turned into a mom. She asked her brother all the questions my mom asked when I called home from school. The somber tone Kat had when talking to me was gone, replaced with the upbeat Kat I only saw glimpses of.

  It was like she’d turned a switch. I wondered if she did that a lot. If after her mom passed away, she pushed all her own feelings aside to focus on her brother.

  She hung up the phone and slid it back into her pocket. “Sorry.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  She fingered the pearl in her ear. “Yeah, he just wanted to check in. I’m lucky he does. When he first left, I didn’t think he would.”

  “Why not?”

  “He was finally free. He had no obligations to me, really.”

  “He’s your brother and you took care of him when he had no one else. You can’t just leave that behind.”

  “We didn’t exactly have the best relationship after Mom passed. He was getting into trouble and didn’t want to listen to me. Can’t even tell you how many times he told me I wasn’t his mother. But it did get better before he left. So I guess you’re right.”

  “When are you going to learn? I’m always right.” I said, and she rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you go shower? There are towels in the hall closet. Relax for five minutes. You don’t have to pretend with me.”

  She nodded. “I’d like that.”

  “Go. I’ll be here when you’re done. It’s not like I can go anywhere.”

  Kat ran up the stairs and when I heard the sound of the shower, I shuffled to the kitchen. I took out a pan and grabbed the eggs, feta, and spinach from the fridge. I used to make omelets for myself and Liz in the summer when our parents were at work.

  I turned the burner on and cracked the eggs.

  For so long Kat had been caring for her brother. It was time somebody took care of her.

  I’d never made an omelet on crutches before, but I managed. By the time the shower turned off, I had two plates and two glasses of orange juice on the counter.

  Kat walked into the kitchen, her hair wavy and wet. Just like all those times we went swimming at our spot. Except now we weren’t at the beach, and I couldn’t bring her back to my pickup and make love to her.

  But damn, I wanted to.

  “Feel better?” I asked, hoping to get my mind off sex.

  “Much.” She reached into her hair, pushing it out of her face and revealing the bare skin of her neck. And my mind was back on sex. That lasted long.

  Her eyes glanced to the spread on the counter. Surprise touched her gaze. “Did you call for takeout?” she asked.

  “I’d have you know I am a very good cook.”

  She cocked her head. “I did not know that about you. What else don’t I know?”

  “Sit down and I’ll tell you anything you want.”

  Kat slid onto a stool, and I eased onto the one across from her. She looked at the omelet then forked a piece into her mouth. “Mmm. This is good.”

  “Told you.”

  “Where’d you learn to make omelets?” she asked and took another bite.

  “Liz used to watch the Food Network a lot. Sometimes I paid attention.”

  “That simple, huh?”

  I nodded, ignoring my own food, too busy watching the enjoyment on Kat’s face. “How long has it been since you’ve had something homemade? Other than the breakfast you’ve cooked me,” I asked.

  “I thought I was the one asking the questions?”

  “You were, but change in plans. Question for question.” Kat put her hand on the counter and looked up at me, her lips parted, and I knew she was about to argue. “Just humor me. Please.” I flashed my notorious puppy dog stare.

  Kat rolled her eyes. “Fine. A couple of weeks ago. It’s cheaper to buy TV dinners. Plus there aren’t any leftovers sitting in the fridge with no one to eat them.”

  I always thought Kat was immune to my charm. But maybe she was sick of being so tightly closed up. Either way, I was taking advantage. I was going to get in as many questions as possible.

  “Are you going to go back to college?” she asked.

  “Couldn’t let that go, could you?”

  “Nope.” She pointed her fork at me. “Now answer. Or the game is over.”

  “Honestly. I don’t know. I
miss it. But . . . I don’t know. Going back there . . .” The thought alone caused me to shudder. “I just don’t know. What about you? You ever going back? You did your part. Justin’s in school. You can do things for yourself now.”

  I waited for her to dodge the question. Change the subject. Abandon the game.

  She rubbed at her forehead. “I’ve thought about it. A million times, I’ve thought about it. But it’s just not feasible.”

  “Why not?”

  “School is expensive. I can barely afford to pay my bills as it is. Plus I would have to cut down on shifts, and then I really wouldn’t be able to afford my bills. It’s not in the cards for me. I accepted that a long time ago. I’m okay with it. I just want what is best for Justin.”

  “Spoken like a true mom.” A smile tugged at the compliment. Probably the best compliment she could get. “So if you were to go back to school, what would you go for?”

  “That’s two questions.”

  “Is it?” I shrugged. “You can ask me two questions if you’d like.”

  She shrugged. “It’s a fairy-tale thought, but I’d want to go to med school. I want to be an oncologist. I went with my mom to every treatment. Every doctor’s appointment. Her oncologist treated her like a friend. When my mom passed away, she came to the funeral.

  “I know most oncologists wouldn’t. They’re impervious to death. But this doctor still had compassion, and I think it helped my mom hang on a little longer. As silly as it sounds, I wanted to be her. She always knew the right things to say. Knew all the best treatments that would suit my mom. Even knew when it was time for my mom to enjoy her final days without any more treatments. She’s making a difference every day, and that’s something I want. I want to live on a grander scale. Live for others, not just myself.

  “John Bunyan said, ‘You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.’”

  “Who is John Bunyan?”

  Kat laughed. “Sorry. Justin’s a history buff. Sometimes things he says stick. Honestly, I have no idea who John Bunyan is.”

  This time I laughed. “I’ll Google him later.”

  “Oh good. Then fill me in, so I can actually pretend I know who my brother is talking about.”

  “Don’t worry, I got you. What’s he going to school for?”

  “Liberal arts right now. He hasn’t pinned anything down. He loves history, so to me that means becoming a history teacher, but it’s like talking to wall.”

  “Okay.” I held my hand up. “You just sounded like my mom. That’s a little creepy.”

  Kat leaned across the counter and pushed my shoulder. Instinctively, I grabbed her wrist. We sat there, staring at each other. Two years ago I would’ve dove across the counter and pressed my mouth to hers. But it wasn’t two years ago. I didn’t want to chance it. She was finally talking.

  I released my grip. Slowly, she pulled her hand back into her lap.

  She bit her bottom lip. Silence spread between us, but then she said, “I think I get three questions now.”

  Happy the awkward silence was over, I smirked and leaned back, resting my hands on the top of my head. “Ask away. I have nothing to hide.”

  “How many girls have you slept with?”

  I tried to stop my eyes from bugging out and let out a slow puff of air. “I’d rather not talk about that.”

  “Why? I thought you had nothing to hide.”

  I didn’t. I never expected her to ask that question. Out of all the questions she could ask me, really, it had to be that one? Ugh. There was no way to answer it without coming across as a total manwhore. To be honest, I’d lost count.

  “Don’t have a coronary. You don’t have to answer it. By your reaction I can tell I don’t want to know.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “It’s not?”

  “Okay it is, but . . .” I was always the guy who knew what to say. Could talk my ass out of any situation. But this one—I was fucking clueless.

  Kat waved her hand. “Seriously, forget I asked.”

  I couldn’t let it go. I needed to explain. “If it helps, I didn’t love any of them.”

  She glanced up, catching my gaze. She had to know that she was the only girl that ever meant anything to me.

  “Actually, I don’t know if it does.”

  And by the way her eyes dropped away from mine, it was apparent she didn’t.

  Chapter 8

  Liz was intent on getting my ass out of the house since it was the weekend, and Kat was off. I wouldn’t see her till Monday, and I guessed a break was good, but hell, I wish she would’ve stopped by to see how I was doing and give me a good kick in the ass like she was so good at.

  I knew I should keep my distance, but every time she walked through the damn door with her cartoon character scrubs, all pledges to stay away ceased. The girl was like a freaking drug. One with a million side effects.

  “You ready?” Liz bounced into the room, dragging Zach behind her. My parents had already left to go grocery shopping for the day, and I was snacking on the last bag of chips.

  “Where are we going exactly?” I asked, eyeing Zach over her shoulder. We’d be perfectly content in front of the TV with video game controllers in our hands. But not Liz. She thought my lack of vitamin D was making me “grumpy.” Because you know it had nothing to do with the fact that I’d had a bullet lodged in my leg three weeks earlier. Or that I survived when so many others didn’t. No, it had nothing to do with that. It was the vitamin D. Damn, why didn’t I think of that myself?

  “I was thinking we could head down to the boardwalk. Grab a bite, maybe some frozen yogurt after, and just walk along the shore. You know, absorb some sunshine.”

  “Only if Zach promises to hold my hand,” I said.

  Zach came around Liz, and took my hand in his. “Oh baby, I never thought you’d ask.”

  “Oh god, stop!” Liz yelled and yanked Zach back to her. “Sometimes you guys do that too well.”

  “Afraid your boyfriend might love me more than you?” I bit my tongue after I said it. After all, back in high school, Zach left town and stopped calling Liz, yet he still talked to me. I think my sis held that against me. Especially since I never told her.

  She looked to Zach, and he smiled. “I can give him something you can’t,” she said.

  “Who says I can’t?”

  “Oh. My. God!”

  Zach and I burst out laughing and Liz stomped out the door. I patted Zach on the back and pushed him ahead.

  Since I was unable to get myself into Zach’s Jeep, we took Liz’s car. I sat in the back seat listening to Liz and Zach sing out of tune to some awful pop garbage. My sister seriously had the worst taste in music.

  “Sunshine, here we come,” Liz said as she threw the car into park.

  “Oh goody!” I clapped my hands like a kid about to get a snow cone.

  She let out an exaggerated sigh, but I wasn’t going to pretend I wanted to be there. The only place I wanted to be was home with a controller in my hands. But I guess for her, I would pretend I was okay.

  I stepped out of the car and situated my crutches. My nerves were wound tight as I scanned the area. I closed my eyes and tried to let the sound of the ocean calm me. It was a real bitch thinking at any moment I was going to be face-to-face with a gun again. What were the chances? I wasn’t sure. But when my visions weren’t controlling my thoughts, I’d bet my ass I’d have a better shot at getting struck by lightning.

  There was no reasoning with the visions. Once they came, all I could do was hold on for the ride and pray I wouldn’t make a fool of myself.

  Zach patted me on the back and gave me a nod. He knew I didn’t want to be there. I’m pretty sure he also knew I wasn’t coping as well as I made everyone believe. I smiled, a silent thank you for keeping my secret.

  “Doesn’t the sun feel amazing?” Liz tilted her head up and closed her eyes.

  I wished it were that simple.

>   Zach put his arm around Liz and guided her while she continued to “soak up the sun.” “Come on, let’s go get a burger.”

  Thank you, Zach. My brother from another mother totally saved us from following Liz in and out of all the stores along the boardwalk.

  “Sounds like a plan,” I said.

  We headed up to Jimmy’s Burger Shack, and all the anxiety fled my body. Kat walked out, a gorgeous smile on her face and her ass squeezed into a tight pair of jeans. While her scrubs were adorable, this . . . this was the Kat I remembered.

  I went to make my move, but someone pushed the pause button, stopping any and all movement. The blood drained from my face, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off Kat’s hand, interlocked with some other guy’s. I was ready to dive behind the nearest trash can and save myself from the awkward moment, but my sister—god, if I didn’t love her, I would’ve killed her—took it as the perfect opportunity to squeal and run up to Kat like she was some teenybopper and Kat was a popstar.

  We hadn’t discussed us. Never thought to bring it up. Kat didn’t talk about it either. Apparently she didn’t need to define us. It was obvious. I was her guy on the side.

  Kat turned at Liz’s squeal. Too late to haul ass out of there, I manned up and dragged myself over to Kat and her boy toy.

  “Hi,” Kat said and sucked her bottom lip in just as Liz threw her arms around her.

  That was all the proof I needed.

  Liz pulled away, and big blue eyes locked with mine. “Darren, this is Josh, my uh . . .”

  I reached my hand out to Darren, but didn’t look away from Kat as I spoke. “Client.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Darren said, and even if he was a good guy, it didn’t matter, I hated him.

  He was only an inch or so shorter than me, his build decent, but I could probably bench more than him. I knew girls had a thing for guys who were tall with dark features, but I didn’t think Kat fell into that stereotype.

  “Likewise. So what are you two kids up to?” I asked finally tearing my gaze away from Kat to look at Pretty Boy. Despite the intensity I projected with my stare, Darren’s dark eyes didn’t waver.