(Once) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “Oh god,” I moaned as I came.

  My head fell against the headboard and with me still inside of her, Kat snuggled up to my chest. I brushed away the strands of hair matted to her face and kissed her cheek and her temple.

  “Was it everything you remembered?” I asked against her ear.

  “No,” she said and I tickled her side. She moved against me, and I swore I was ready for round two. “It was so much more.”

  I cocked my eyebrow and couldn’t help the stupid smirk from spreading across my face. “And we did it in a bed.”

  She looked up at me. “We did.”

  I brushed another strand of hair off her face and stared into the depths of her eyes. I was one lucky bastard. I never thought I’d get a second chance with Kat. I thought I’d ruined it for good. So many stupid mistakes. But for some reason she let me back into her life and this time, I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “I love you, Kit Kat.”

  “I love you,” she said against my lips.

  ***

  “Please don’t,” I said, the gun pointed directly at my head. I was already hit, a gaping hole in my pants soaked with blood, but I couldn’t focus on the pain, the dizziness, the energy draining from my body.

  Nia was in my arms. Her shirt was drenched in blood, her shallow breaths had turned to gasps, and I knew she was moments away from death. “I don’t want her to be alone,” I said, looking up into the gunman’s eyes. Not that I expected sympathy from him.

  But I had to try. Dying young was one thing, but dying alone? I couldn’t do that to her. I wanted to hold her. Make her know that good existed amongst the evil. Die knowing someone cared. Someone fought for her.

  His dark eyes bored into mine. He was standing in front of me, very much alive, but there was no life in his gaze. “Steve, please,” I said.

  At the mention of his name, the dark, lifeless stare wavered and he stepped back. The gun pointed at my head turned, and with one final bang it was all over. Steve fell into a heap on the floor, blood spewing from his head.

  I stared at his lifeless body, unable to look away, but then Nia gasped louder. I turned my attention to her. “It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay.” It was a lie, but what was I supposed to say? “You’re dying”? How could I? I didn’t have that right. Nobody had the right to determine someone’s fate. It was out of my hands.

  But what I could do was hold her until that fate was decided. So I did. I ignored the blood pooling on her shirt and her ragged gasps of air and cradled her against me. There was so little I knew about Nia. We teamed up in class a few times, but other than that I didn’t know her at all. She didn’t attend parties and I never saw her at the bars.

  “J . . . osh,” she gasped.

  “Don’t talk.”

  “Please.” A tear fell down her cheek and I brushed it away with my finger. “Tell . . . my mom . . . I love her.”

  “You can tell her yourself,” I said, hoping she’d die with some faith left. Still, it didn’t feel right. I pushed around the lump in my throat. “But if I see her first, I’ll tell her. Promise.”

  Nia nodded and I smiled, and then she took her last breath and died in my arms.

  “Nia,” I cried out, tears pouring down my cheeks onto hers. “I’m so sorry, Nia.” I hugged her against me and then everything went black.

  ***

  “Josh! Wake up.” My arm jerked and I startled awake, pushing myself up against the headboard.

  Kat’s hands were on either side of my face. My heart raced, heat radiated off me and sweat beaded on my skin. I focused on Kat. On the brightness of her eyes, the way her hair was tucked behind her ear and how it curled at the ends. On the coolness of her hands and how good they felt against my burning cheeks.

  “It was just a nightmare. You’re here. You’re okay. Breathe.”

  I nodded, afraid if I did anything else I would break down.

  “You scared me,” Kat said, and I snaked my arm around her neck and pulled her to me. She kicked her leg over me and wrapped herself around my waist, hovering just above my wound.

  I still didn’t know why Steve spared me that day. Why my plea worked while so many others didn’t. I didn’t think I would ever know. But for the first time, with Kat wrapped around me, I didn’t question it further.

  “I’m sorry,” I said into her hair.

  “Don’t be.” She leaned back until we were eye to eye. “Who’s Nia?”

  I didn’t want to burden Kat. I didn’t want to burden anybody. I had already told her enough. But looking into those big blue eyes, after everything we’d been through, I couldn’t lie to her.

  The story poured out. I didn’t even try to stop the tears pricking my eyes. Kat rested her weight on my good leg and listened intently to every word.

  “The shooting stopped, so Nia ran to go get help . . . and she was hit. Right in the stomach. She dropped so fast . . . so fast.” I sucked in a ragged breath and Kat squeezed my hand. “I crawled to her. I didn’t care if the shooter saw me. She was still breathing, but I knew . . . I knew she was dying. There was so much blood. Coming out so fast. If I could get to her, if I could slow it down . . . maybe give her a chance. I ripped my shirt off and tried to slow the bleeding, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. I didn’t know what else to do, but I did know that I couldn’t let her die alone. She asked me to tell her mom that she loved her.

  “I never told her mom. I couldn’t. A few times I tried. I have her number. Her address. But every time I picked up the phone, I folded. Every time I thought I would hitch a ride to her house, I chickened out. I’m a coward.”

  “You’re not a coward.”

  I was. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Kat the whole truth.

  She took my face in her hands. “What you went through was hell. You’ve been dealing with it all so well.”

  “Have I? Because most of the time, I feel like a fucking mess.”

  Tears stained Kat’s cheeks, but she managed a smile. “You hide it really well.”

  I laughed.

  Kat ran her hand through my hair. “You need to go see Nia’s mother.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can. Just like you walked in here. You can. I’ll go with you. We’ll do it together. You need closure, Josh. You’re not going to get it until you deliver Nia’s message.”

  I loved everything about Kat, but I hated that she was right. Seeing Nia’s mother, being face-to-face with the woman whose daughter I practically pushed into a bullet, scared the shit out of me. She was right though—I needed closure. Nia’s mother needed to know her daughter’s final words were meant for her.

  Chapter 19

  We were driving four hours out of town for one night and Kat packed enough for an entire baseball team on a cross-country trip, including the bat boy. Give me a change of underwear and I was good to go.

  “Explain to me why we need a roll of toilet paper?” I held it up and leaned against the car.

  “Because. You never know if you’re going to get a runny nose, or spill something, or find the one rest stop that’s out of toilet paper. Better safe than sorry.”

  “And what about this?” I held up a box of garbage bags.

  “There are a lot of uses for garbage bags.”

  “Like what?”

  “For one thing, garbage. Then there’s ponchos. A way to cover a broken window. Would you like me to keep going?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “Fine. You can turn one into a sling.”

  I laughed. Loudly. And she rolled her eyes at me.

  “You asked.”

  “Do you honestly think we would need to make a sling?”

  “You of all people should know that you never know when you’ll need a sling or to make a tourniquet.”

  Taken aback by her words, I threw the garbage bags into the car. I stared at her for a moment then lowered myself in and slammed the door.

  I didn’t even know why I was so angr
y. Kat didn’t say anything out of line. But why should I have to be more aware? More prepared? It pissed me off. I should’ve never had to help make a tourniquet. I didn’t sign up to be in a warzone.

  I hate that some sick asshole with authority issues had altered my life. My life had been perfect the way it was. I’d been completely ignorant of existing evils. I’d lived life like one big party. Now . . . I couldn’t even go into a store without watching every person and wondering why they were reaching for their pockets.

  I just wanted to fucking drive.

  The driver’s side door opened and Kat slid in. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  I shrugged, not trusting myself not to come off as a total dipshit.

  “We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You’ve been on edge all week, and I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”

  “It has nothing to do with want.” I gritted my teeth and pushed my hands through my hair.

  She eyed me curiously.

  “I need to do this.”

  “Then let’s get going.”

  She put the key in the ignition and my heart beat faster. In the seconds it took to put the car in drive, sweat formed on my brow and I was silently freaking out.

  Kat didn’t say a word and neither did I. What was there to say? We were heading back to the one place I didn’t think I’d ever return. I loved college. Loved my roommate. Loved the dorm life and the parties. But whenever I thought about going back, all I saw was that damn gun. Nia’s last breath. Her lifeless body in my arms. All the things I should have done. Or shouldn’t have done. I stared out the window, tension pulling tight across my forehead. I rubbed at it, hoping to ease it some. I watched the highway I’d travelled so many times pass by. It didn’t have the same feel anymore. Everything about it was different.

  Kat lowered the radio. “I have to pee. Do you mind if we stop?”

  They were the first words she’d spoken to me in an hour.

  “We just left,” I said, not even bothering to look at her.

  “Like an hour ago, and I had a cup of coffee right before.”

  “Well, that was stupid,” I snapped.

  “Can I stop or not?”

  “You’re the one driving.”

  She piled her hair on top of her head and bit her lip. It wasn’t her usual slip of the tooth. It was an actual bite. Red spread up her chest and through her cheeks. She flew off the highway into the rest stop.

  The car slammed into park, and I jolted forward. She got out and stormed off. Didn’t even ask me if I had to go. I didn’t, but I needed to get out of the car. Clear my mind.

  I walked into the building with a crowd of people, aware of every person around me. A woman in pajama pants was nice enough to hold the door for me.

  The scent of coffee and greasy food smacked me in the nose as I stepped inside. I wasn’t hungry or thirsty. I wasn’t anything.

  The line to the girls’ bathroom was a mile long, not that I expected less. But it wrapped around the freaking brochure display. Kat was fourth to last—she’d be there awhile. Her bag was hitched up on her shoulder, and she had her arms crossed under her chest.

  Annoyance shone in every finger tap against her bicep.

  I turned towards the men’s room and bumped into a guy who had at least three inches on me. He was in desperate need of a shower and a shave. Long car rides would do that to you.

  “Watch it,” the guy said.

  Um, sorry, did you not see the guy with the crutches? Asshole. I stared at the guy, my fists tightening around my crutch. He didn’t flinch, his eyes glossy and dark. He grunted and took off.

  I shoved the doors open, went back to the car and popped my headphones in.

  Ten minutes later, Kat got in the car. I felt her staring at me. My crappy mood prevented me from looking back at her.

  She ripped my earbud out of my ear.

  “What the fuck?” I yelled.

  “Look! I get it. This isn’t exactly a happy weekend trip, but can you cut me some slack here? I’m trying to be supportive. I am. But if you keep up the douchebag act, I swear to God, I will drop your ass on the side of the road and not even think twice about it. You got it?”

  Shocked by her words I mumbled, “Got it.”

  She dropped her hand from the steering wheel. “You sound really convincing.”

  “I’m sorry. Okay?”

  She stared out the window as if she was weighing my apology. Her hand moved to the shift lever. “Just don’t do it again.”

  We got back on the highway and didn’t speak until we were in the parking lot of my dorm. I’d never gone back to get my stuff. Liz and Zach had made the trip and gotten the basics.

  Kat shifted the car into park, and I sat there. People walked the path towards the dorm. All going on with their lives as if nothing had happened.

  Was I the only one afraid to move on with my life? Afraid to come back here and face what had happened? Granted, they most likely hadn’t been in the building that day, but that didn’t mean it didn’t affect them. Yet here they were, going to class, talking, laughing.

  Treating it like it was just another day. I guess for them it was. I wondered how many of the people here had gone to the memorial service held in the square.

  I couldn’t even watch the footage on TV or YouTube. I just couldn’t do it. I preferred to act as if the day had never happened. How selfish was I?

  It took me all that time to realize, I wasn’t angry with Kat, or that guy at the rest stop. I was angry at myself. For avoiding Coach and Eli. For refusing to come back sooner. For trying to act as if it never happened.

  But it was easier. I could still be me . . . for the most part.

  Kat’s hand slid into mine and she gave me a squeeze. “Take your time,” she said. But having her hand, the familiar comfort of her skin, I didn’t need time. There was nothing else I needed. I had her and that was all that mattered.

  “I’m ready.”

  We got out of the car, and I led the way to my dorm room. The room I’d brought so many girls to over the course of my stay. Never in a million years did I ever think Kat would be one of them.

  “Is your roommate expecting us?”

  “I texted Eli this morning.”

  It was the first time I’d talked to him since the shooting. He’d stopped texting me too. Not that I could blame him. I never responded. He was my best friend, and I dropped him like a second round pick. All because I wanted to forget.

  We approached the main entrance and I took a deep breath, swiped my card, and held the door open for Kat. As soon as I walked in, I felt it. The guilt. An emptiness hit me low in the gut. Tears pricked my eyes. It was overwhelming, but Kat leaned her head against my shoulder and linked her fingers through mine. That small gesture, knowing she was there, gave me the push I needed to keep going.

  Taking the stairs the three flights up was faster than waiting for the ancient elevator, so I guided Kat away from the closed silver doors and towards the heavy white one. She didn’t question, just followed.

  The walk up took less time than I imagined. I thought for sure I’d have another few seconds to get my shit together. I took another deep breath like I was in a freaking yoga class and pushed open the one thing separating me from my not-so-distant past.

  “So this is what a dorm looks like, huh?” Kat asked, looking around and taking in the white brick walls and gray tile floors.

  She laughed at the giant penis drawn on the dry erase board hanging on Tuck’s door across the hall. I wondered how he was doing. We used to go keg stand for keg stand at parties. He had yet to beat me. The morning of the shooting we’d bumped into each other outside the bathroom and he’d called a rematch for that night.

  I told him he was on, never expecting I wouldn’t be there. With one last glance, I turned away. I should have knocked on his door, said, “What’s up?” Or even drawn something on his board and signed it so he knew I’d stopped by. Instead, I flung myself toward
s my room before someone saw me.

  Before I could swipe my card, the door flew open and Eli engulfed me in a less than manly hug. We were pat-on-the-back, fist-bump type of guys. We didn’t do hugging. But when his dark arms flung around me, I embraced him back.

  It was the moment I’d been terrified of. I’d expected him to slam the door in my face. Or not even be here when I showed.

  But he was. I realized then, he didn’t just see the shooting when he looked at me. He just saw his best friend. I was such a fucking idiot.

  I was reflecting my own fears onto him. A burn spread through my throat into my eyes, and I tightened my arms around him for a second longer before giving our usual pat on the back and pulling away.

  “I’ve been fucking worried, dude. I almost drove to your parents’ house.”

  “Sorry. I’ve been going through a lot of shit.”

  “We’re bros, me and you. We’ve got to be there for each other. Alright?”

  “Alright.”

  “And who is this?” Eli turned, his black eyebrow cocked, lip curling up as he moved to Kat, who was looking gorgeous as ever. I smacked his chest.

  He shook his head and lifted his hands up. “I’m just asking.”

  “Ask all you want. She’s mine.”

  “I’m not anyone’s, thank you,” Kat said as she stepped towards us. She stuck her hand out to Eli and he laughed. “I’m Kat.”

  “I like you already.” Eli took Kat’s much smaller hand in his.

  “I didn’t want to interrupt your bromance,” she said, and I couldn’t help but look at her with a smile. She was always so shy around new people, but here she was being the Kat I knew and loved, shining light into the darkness.

  Eli laughed again and stepped back so we could enter.

  The room was exactly how I’d left it that morning. My Yankees poster still hung over my bed while Eli’s Red Sox one still hung over his. He had threatened to rip mine down so many times. Walking in, I didn’t know if he would have finally let temptation win.