Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  It’s been three days since chemo. You’d think I’d be over it by now. The feel of his breath on my neck, the smell of his cologne in the air¸ the burning of his eyes into mine. Yet, here I lie in bed, a sheen of perspiration covering my body as I wake up from yet another dream about a certain man with green eyes whispering declarations of love into my ear as he makes passionate love to me. My skin is on fire, just as if he were really here, touching me. I can’t help but stay in bed a little longer to release the tension he built inside me in my dream.

  When I walk out into the kitchen, Tanner cranes his head and looks behind me. “What?” I ask him.

  “I’m just looking for the guy that made you moan, that’s all.” He smiles at me, handing me a cup of coffee.

  My face instantly heats up and I try to brush him off. “Oh, yeah, I guess I had a dream or something.”

  He shakes his head and stares at me with pursed lips, then says, “If that’s how you want to play this, Keri.”

  I pick up the pack of coffee filters off the counter and throw them at him.

  He bats them out of the way and they fall to the floor. “Hey, what did I do? All I’m saying is that I’m glad someone has awakened the beast. It’s about time you started acting like the sexual being that you are.”

  I think about how long it has been since I’ve wanted to go to bed with a man. Connor was the last man I slept with and that was almost five years ago. I’ve been fine since then. I haven’t needed anyone but Tanner and some girlfriends from work. I haven’t wanted anyone. Until now. Until Jace—the one man I absolutely can’t have. I frown. “It doesn’t matter, Tan. He is with Morgan and that’s that.” I plop down on a chair at our small kitchen table and stare into my coffee mug.

  “Keri, I don’t care if he’s with the Playmate of the Year. I read his texts and that man is seriously crushing on you.”

  “We have known each other for exactly six days. Six Mondays of texting cannot possibly constitute any kind of deep feelings. We share this bond, that’s all.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince Tanner or myself.

  “Whatever,” he says. “I’m going to ask for some time off soon to come with you and check this guy out for myself. No arguments.” He gets up from the table and tucks in his dress shirt. He looks gorgeous, all dressed up for his office job. His tanned skin pops out against the stark-white shirt. Most people would kill for a natural glow like he has. It comes from his mom, who was part Cuban. Top it off with his brown eyes and dark hair and he is quite a sight. I almost feel sorry for all the women who won’t get to adore him. “Tell the gang at Freeway I said hello,” he says to me on his way out the door.

  ~ ~ ~

  At The Freeway Station, I get a big hug from Kimberly when I give her the book I bought for her that explains football in the most basic of terms. It’s the least I can do to try and help her win over Adam. She immediately takes it to her room and starts reading. I’m laughing along with Todd, a counselor who works mostly the night shift, when Chaz comes running out of his office with a huge smile on his face.

  “I can’t believe it!” he cries. “We may be able to add another bedroom or two to the house. Do you know what that means? Two to four more kids that we could help. We may even be able to fund another position with this.”

  Todd and I look at each other and then over at Chaz. “What’s going on?” I ask.

  “We got a huge donation. It was targeted exclusively for Freeway. This is phenomenal! I mean we get donations all the time, but this is . . . well, just look here,” he says, holding the ledger out for us to look at.

  I have to count all the zeros twice. Whoa! A million dollars! For Freeway? Our little house that holds twelve kids got a million dollar donation? The three of us have a little impromptu dance party for a minute. We hug and laugh and try to imagine how wonderful it will be to be able to take in more kids. Some of the residents hear the commotion and come out to celebrate with us.

  “Can we get that basketball hoop now?” Anthony asks.

  “How about some decent outdoor loungers so I can work on my tan?” asks our newest resident, fifteen-year-old Shelly.

  Chaz looks at them thoughtfully. “Why don’t we make a request box and you guys can write down what you want, within reason, and put it in the box, then we’ll draw from them and see what we can do.”

  This excites them to no end and they all run for their rooms to start making their lists. I follow a few of them up the stairs to greet the kids who I haven’t seen today. I peek in the room that Tyler sleeps in to see him sitting at his desk working on homework. I come up behind him and say, “Hey, kiddo.” Then I wrap my arms around him in a hug. He jumps out of the chair, breaking my hold on him and in the process, plants his elbow right into my cheek, sending me to the floor. He runs over to his bed, tripping over his chair, causing even more commotion which has everyone flying into the room to see what has happened.

  He looks back in horror to see me lying on the floor, holding my cheek. “Oh my God, Keri. I’m so sorry.” He comes over to help me up and his eyes go wide when he sees my face. “Crap, I think I may have given you a shiner. I’m really sorry. I didn’t hear you come in with my earbuds in, you scared me. I’m so sorry I hit you.”

  Chaz and Todd make it up the stairs to find Tyler and me sitting on his bed. After explaining to everyone that it was just an accident and that I had unknowingly snuck up on him, making him jump up and plant his elbow in my face, everyone seems to be placated enough to go back to what they were doing.

  Downstairs in the bathroom, I check out my face and see the beginnings of a bruise up near my eye. It is quite a sight with black and blue mixed in with splotches of red. At least he didn’t break the skin. They warn us during chemo to steer clear of injury because it will take longer to heal. I hope that doesn’t apply to bruises. This one is flat-out ugly.

  Chaz gives me a bag of frozen peas to hold on my eye and then he pulls me into his office to fill out an incident report. Once I detail the entire scenario for him, we both realize what more than likely happened. My heart sinks and my chin falls onto my chest. “This is classic male sex-abuse victim behavior, isn’t it?” I ask him, even though I know the answer.

  He nods his head. “Keri, you know we’ve all suspected Tyler’s stepfather. But all this has to go through the system. If Tyler won’t talk about it and we can’t find proof, there is nothing we can do for now but try and keep him here.”

  I cringe when I think about this fourteen-year-old kid who panics when someone comes up behind him because he has probably been assaulted by a trusted male in his life. “Chaz, would you let me talk to him? Maybe he would open up to me. You know I’ve been through all the training, I think I’m ready.”

  He bites on his inside cheek while he ponders my question. He nods at me. “I think you are ready, too. But not today. He looks pretty shaken up by what happened. Give him some time and if I can’t get anywhere with him in the next week, you can have a shot.”

  I smile, knowing that Chaz trusts me enough to talk with a young kid about his probable sexual abuse. I’m a little relieved that I won’t be doing it today so that I can have time to go over some of my training notes before I talk with him.

  ~ ~ ~

  By the time my shift rolls around on Friday, my black eye is about as bad as it gets. I contemplated wearing sunglasses to work, but I think it would be impossible to mix drinks in the relative darkness while wearing them. I only hope it is dark enough in here that most people won’t give it a second look. Tanner understands completely, having been both a resident and volunteer at Freeway. Most other people, however, will probably not be as quick to accept what really happened.

  I decided to just go with something a little simpler, so if anyone asks, my story will be that I ran into a door.

  “Hey, Keri!” I hear from the other side of the bar as I’m placing a tray of drinks up for Shana. I turn around to see Jules. I smile over at her and tell her I’ll be right there. I’
m not sure why I’m so happy to see her. Giddy even. It’s not Jace, but I guess it’s the next best thing. Jace hasn’t come in here even though he knows I work here. But then again, why would he? We don’t even text outside of chemo so socializing is surely out of the question. However, he did say he was familiar with the place. Maybe he is just staying away to keep a safe distance because of Morgan.

  I tell Tanner I’m going to take my fifteen-minute break now, and Jules and I head over to a quiet corner table. Before we sit down, she pulls me into a hug. “You look great, Keri,” she says.

  My smile falls as I guiltily say, “I’m lucky, my hair has only thinned out and I’ve only lost five pounds. Unlike some people.”

  When I look back up at her she must notice my eye because she gasps. After a few minutes of explaining to her that I did not get mugged or even intentionally hurt, we move on to other topics of conversation.

  “So, that gorgeous creature is your roommate, huh?” she asks, pointing over to Tanner. “Are you sure you’re not dating him? And if not, why aren’t you?” She laughs, fanning herself at his deliciousness.

  I think back to our conversation at the clinic and I guess I never told her Tanner is gay. It’s not like I introduce him as Tanner, my gay roommate. No more than he would introduce me as Keri, his heterosexual friend.

  “Yes, I’m sure we’re not dating given the fact that he is gay.”

  Jules chokes a little on her drink and then a smile creeps up her face. “Well played, my friend.”

  “What do you mean by that?” I ask.

  “What I mean is that my big brother may already have green eyes, but they’ve been darkened a shade by thinking that you are dating Tanner, not just living with him as a roommate.”

  I rack my brain to try and remember if I ever said anything to Jace about Tanner being gay. We did talk about him a lot and I did tell Jace that Tanner is the one who saved me back at Freeway. I guess he could have interpreted that to mean we were a couple. The fact is, we did hookup once, but that wasn’t how Tanner saved me. He saved me in many other, more important ways.

  “What? That is crazy. He’s not jealous, he has a girlfriend,” I say.

  “Maybe that’s why he hasn’t brought it up with you. It would make him seem like a hypocrite, now wouldn’t it? But believe me, my brother is crazy over the fact that you go home to Tanner every night. I swear he stares at his phone all the time like he wants to text you, but my guess is that he hasn’t. Has he?”

  I shake my head and lower my eyes to the ground.

  “Keri, I like you. I like you a lot and I think if you’ll give it time, he will come around and see that Morgan is not the one for him.”

  Time? Time is something I don’t have. We only have three more cycles together. Three more Mondays. It almost makes me wish we had more because then I’d know for sure I would see him again. I know it’s ludicrous. Even when I only say it to myself, in my head, it sounds crazy. But he has made me that way. I’m crazy about him.

  “Hey, Julianne, how are you? I don’t ever see you around here anymore,” my boss says to her as he walks by us, leaving for the day.

  Jules looks over at him. “Mike, nice to see you too.”

  He gets pulled away by a waitress and I lean over to ask Jules, “How is it that you know Mike?”

  She looks a little uncomfortable. “Um—”

  “Hey Keri,” Shana says, walking up to our table, “Tanner says he needs some help with the big group that just came in.” I look over to the bar and see people two-deep waiting to be served.

  I jump up and tell Jules, “Sorry, I have to get back to work. It was really nice seeing you again.”

  “Let’s hang out when you feel up to it. I think you and I are going to be great friends.”

  I smile at her as I make my way back to the bar, selfishly thinking that if we are friends, I might still get to see Jace when chemo ends after all.

  Chapter Ten

  When Jace sits in his chair and gets a good look at me, a look of alarm washes over his face as his eyes go wide and his fists ball up. He immediately starts texting me, hampering Stacy’s efforts to get him hooked up to his IV.

  Jace: Keri, what happened to you? Are you okay? Whose ass do I have to kick? It’s not Tanner is it?

  I’m silently basking in the knowledge that he is being protective of me and I try to keep a huge smile from taking over my face.

  Me: I ran into a door.

  He looks up at me and shakes his head. He is mad. Really mad. He can tell I’m lying to him. I can see that he is about to get out of his chair and confront me. Oh, hell, I’d better be straight with him. I guess he didn’t think my explanation was so funny.

  Me: I’m fine. It was an accident at The Freeway Station. I snuck up on someone I shouldn’t have and he accidentally caught me with his elbow. It’s nothing, really. No ass to kick, but thanks for offering.

  It takes me a few more texts to fully explain what happened and I can visibly see him relaxing as he reads them all.

  When everyone has arrived and has been hooked up, Stacy gives us an update on Steven. I look over at his vacant chair as she tells us that he has been in the hospital since last week’s collapse. He is stable but very sick. She has a card for us to sign on our way out.

  Jace: We should do something for him. Maybe send him a nice meal if he can eat. Hospital food sucks.

  Me: Why are you always being so nice to virtual strangers? It amazes me the things you want to do for these people that you don’t even know.

  Jace: Why does that surprise you? I’m no different than you. Look at what you do for all those kids at The Freeway Station. When you get a new kid, do you help them any less just because you don’t know them yet?

  He has a point. I do love helping kids. Sometimes I can’t wait to go there and just talk to them. When I see a face light up because someone is taking the time to pay attention to them, it makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy that such a small gesture on my part can make a difference, and sad because these kids have missed out on so much. Thinking of Freeway reminds me of something and a huge smile creeps up my face as I tell Jace the great news.

  Me: You’ll never guess what happened. It’s a miracle. Someone donated a million dollars to Freeway. It’s the largest single donation we’ve ever gotten and it will allow us to expand and take in more kids.

  Jace: Wow! A million bucks. Nice. I’m so happy for you.

  When I look over at him, he has a look of genuine happiness on his face. It amazes me that this man has so much compassion for other people. I always thought artists were these quirky egocentric types that stayed secluded away in their art studios. Jace is not at all like that. But it dawns on me that I really don’t know what he is like. I mean, I know he is a talented artist who cares about others and I know he has this incredible girlfriend and sister, but we always talk about me, not him. I feel so selfish.

  Me: So tell me about you. I know you have pretentious parents, a great sister and girlfriend and you’re kind of talented at hidden-meaning paintings. But there has to be more to you than that. What do you do when you aren’t painting?

  He smiles when he reads the text. He studies my face for a minute and then works his bottom lip with his teeth and rolls his eyes from side to side like he’s contemplating something.

  Jace: When I’m not painting, I work for a foundation. It’s an outreach program that helps less fortunate people. We work a lot with kids. We also help deliver technology to areas devoid of it.

  Me: I knew it! I had a feeling you were a humanitarian. And why painting? What got you started in that?

  Jace: I didn’t always want to be an artist. I still don’t even consider myself one. I just like to paint. But I didn’t really know I had a knack for it until college. I was nineteen and took an art class at UM. My professor told us to go out in the world and look at current events, to find something that made us feel emotions like we’d never felt and draw on that to get our cr
eative juices flowing. And it worked. I knew after that first painting that I had found my passion. It’s amazing what can happen when you find that one thing. That thing that inspires you.

  When I look up from my phone and our eyes meet, my heart skips a beat. I could swear that it comes out of my chest and collides with his halfway across the room. He is looking at me like I’m the one thing. The thing that inspires him. But then he breaks our stare to look down at his phone and he starts to text, but not to me. I see a smile come over his face and his eyes light up. Then he silently laughs as he reads and then types back.

  After several minutes, he guiltily looks back over at me.

  Jace: Sorry. That was Morgan.

  My heart crawls back into its proper place as I realize I was reading too much into things. He has a girlfriend. It is Morgan—she is the inspiration. He looked so happy just now when he was texting with her. I don’t know why I keep allowing myself to see what obviously isn’t there. Jace and I have a connection, a bond we share because we have cancer. Nothing more. We are helping each other get through this and that is a good thing.

  Me: How is Morgan?

  Jace: She’s okay. The whole thing with Steven really shook her up. I know she is trying to deal with it, but she can’t stand it when I forget to wear a hat and she won’t be in the same room when I use the feeding tube. I think that some people simply aren’t strong enough to step up. You are lucky that you have Tanner.

  He looks a little sad after he sends that text. It must be hard to have a girlfriend that he’s been with forever who can’t or won’t help him. And then there are his parents, who haven’t lifted a finger to get here and support him. I can’t imagine. I like to think that if my parents were alive, they wouldn’t leave my side for a single second until they knew I was fine.