Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  He sits up on his towel and looks over at me. “Can I see the painting sometime?”

  “Yes, of course. You can see it now if you like, I have a picture of it right here on my phone.” I took the picture Monday afternoon to add to my collection of Jace’s other pictures he sent me. Pictures that I look at during Monday Madness, along with the one of him wearing that ridiculous hat.

  I hand my phone over to Tyler and he studies the painting. He enlarges it on my little phone and scrolls over each part of it, taking it all in. Then he looks up at me and says, “That must have been the worst day of your life, Keri.”

  I nod my head at him. “It was.”

  He continues to study the picture and then, without making eye contact with me he says, “The day he moved in with us. That was the worst day of my life.”

  Over the course of the next hour, Tyler tells me all about his stepfather and the horrid things he did to him over the months that they lived under the same roof. By the grace of God, he even agreed to speak with the police. But only if I go with him.

  Back at Freeway, I think I cried in Chaz’s arms for hours. Happy tears because Tyler opened up to me and that his nightmare will end. Sad tears because something that awful could happen to an innocent child.

  As I fall asleep in my bed, I have a feeling that I may have finally found my place in this world. It was Jace. His kind words and acceptance inspired me and gave me the courage to step up and help another. And peace washes over me.

  ~ ~ ~

  I’m not sure why I’m so nervous. I’ve been a bartender for three years so I can pretty much make drinks in my sleep. But today, I changed clothes three times, finding precisely the right Triple J shirt—the slightly immodest one that, when combined with my Wonder Bra, usually brings in more tips than normal. I paired it with the perfect jeans, my favorite pair of worn jeans. The ones that make my butt look fabulous. The ones Jace spilled my latte on. He is coming here tonight to meet Tanner and my hands are shaking so badly that I’m afraid I’ll drop someone’s drink. Why do I feel like my dad is meeting my boyfriend for the first time?

  I guess it’s because Tanner is the closest thing to family I have and Jace is the closest thing to a boyfriend. In my dreams, he is my boyfriend. In my dreams, he sweeps me off my feet, takes me to his loft and makes passionate love to me in front of that massive fireplace of his—underneath the painting that cements our bond. But my dreams are the only place I will allow that to happen. I know where his heart is. I know that if I allowed myself to have a physical relationship with him that it would wreck me. He isn’t the kind of man you can sleep with and get over. He is the kind of man you marry. He is the kind of man you compare all other men to. My fear is that I will never find one that measures up.

  Tanner lifts an eyebrow at me when Shana returns a second drink to me that I had incorrectly made. “What?” I snap at him, leaning my back against the bar.

  He holds his hands up in surrender. “Nothing. But you kind of seem on edge tonight. Are you really that nervous over me meeting him?”

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I blow out a breath while I look at the ceiling. “It’s just that I haven’t seen him since we kissed last week and I don’t want it to be all weird when we see each other.”

  Tanner gets a smirk on his face. “You mean all weird like if he were to be standing behind you right now overhearing everything that you just said?”

  My eyes go wide and my face heats up as I look into the mirror behind the bar and see that Jace is sitting on a stool, directly behind me on the other side of the counter. Tanner gives me a supportive arm squeeze and turns me around to face Jace, which is a good thing because I think I’m too mortified to move my own legs.

  Jace has a huge smile on his face as I introduce them. “Jace, this is my roommate, Tanner. Tanner, this is my, um . . . friend Jace.” They both crack up at my awkwardness, causing me to blush even more.

  “Nice to finally meet you Jace,” Tanner says, shaking his hand. “Hey, if you want to talk, come on over to my end of the bar, this is Keri’s side. Do you want to text my phone?” Jace nods at him and Tanner scribbles his number on a napkin for him. Jace then holds up his finger letting Tanner know he’ll be over in a minute. Then he gets out his phone and starts typing.

  Jace: It’s nice to see you. You look great by the way. We won’t let things get weird. Friends, right?

  “Absolutely,” I say. “Hey how excited are you that you don’t have to go back to chemo tomorrow?”

  Jace: I can’t even explain to you what it feels like, Keri. Just know that you’ll feel the same way after tomorrow. I’m going to head over there and talk to Tanner now.

  “Great. You know where I’ll be.”

  He smiles at me as he gets up and walks down the long length of the bar to the very end, by Tanner’s waitress station.

  The next hour of my life is spent wondering what they are talking about. I mean, there’s not enough about me to fill up an entire hour of conversation. Sure, Tanner is working while they talk, but still it’s enough to drive a person crazy. Every once in a while they will both look over at me simultaneously, usually with a smile and once while laughing. Jace catches me stealing glances at him and my face heats up every time. I am more than aware, however, that for him to catch me looking, he had to be doing the very same thing. Throughout the night, when Tanner walks off to help a customer, Jace will sometimes send me a text.

  Jace: So, as a friend, I feel that I can tell you this. Every time you bend over to get something out of that beer fridge, I can’t help but remember the latte I spilled all over those jeans. I’m glad you got them clean. It would be a shame to waste them. Oh, and those guys at the other end of the bar . . . believe me, they noticed, too.

  Although I could care less about the guys at the other end of the bar, his text makes me want to high five someone, knowing that he is affected by me. But then again, that’s not the problem here, is it? Our mutual attraction is pretty evident. The thing that keeps me from jumping into his arms and holding on for dear life is something that my mom told me when I was little. She had some good advice. Of course, I didn’t know it at the time. But tonight, as I see him looking all gorgeous and starting to fill out those tight shirts of his again, I can only hear her voice in my head. “When it comes to men, never settle Keri. Never settle for second best and never be second best.” I wasn’t sure what she meant until I was older, until I started to ask questions about her and my dad. I knew they loved each other, but it just seemed like something was missing. One day, a few months before they died, she told me the story.

  Your father and I were high school sweethearts. We were each other’s first love, first kiss, first everything. We had planned out our life down to the last detail, even down to what we would name our children if we were blessed with any. When he had a hard time getting accepted into college, he panicked and didn’t know how he was going to support a family. So, as you know, he joined the Army. He was away for almost ten months a year those first few years. It was hard, but we got through it and when he was finally able to get his degree and get an honorable discharge, we picked right back up with our plans and that’s when we had you. But what I didn’t know was that when he was overseas, there was a woman, a nurse stationed where he was. I guess they grew close and even requested the same tours. He mentioned her, of course, as he did all his army buddies and I was grateful that he had people he could lean on. Over those years, he never wavered in his love for me. He never gave me a reason to doubt him. Then one day, after we had been married for about ten years, a package came in the mail for your dad. I only caught a glimpse of what was inside. It was some pictures, an old army medal and some personal effects. He asked me for privacy and I never questioned him about it. After a few days, he confessed everything. They’d had a love affair. Not a physical relationship as far as I know, but a love affair no less. He even let me read the letter that was included in the package. A goodbye letter to him, her one true lov
e, because she was dying of cancer. I asked him why he stayed with me and he said it was because they both had someone else that was in love with them back at home and they couldn’t hurt them. Your father asked if I was going to leave him. Of course I stayed, I stayed for you and I did love him, I still do love him. But my only regret is that I didn’t know. I thought that he loved me, I thought that he loved me enough. But Keri, being loved enough is not adequate. Be loved more . . . make sure you are loved more than enough.

  So as I watch Jace and Tanner talk, smile and become friends, I know that even though we share these intense feelings, I will never be loved enough by him. Not in the way my mom was talking about. I feel sad for her that she never got to have a deep, enduring, passionate love from the man that she loved. I feel sad that she didn’t get her more-than-enough love. I vow to not let that happen to me.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I can’t wait any longer. I open Tanner’s door and crawl into bed with him. I was too exhausted last night to even think about it. But, now I’ve been up for hours and it’s all I can think about.

  I nudge him. “Tanner, you awake?”

  “No,” he says, pulling the covers off me and rolling onto his side.

  “Come on, Tan. It’s only fair that you let me see them.”

  In the darkness, he reaches over on his nightstand and grabs his phone. Then he practically throws it at me. “Now get out,” he yawns.

  I smile triumphantly as I carry his phone out into the kitchen and scroll through it while I drink my first coffee of the day. I try to piece together the conversation they had, but it’s hard only seeing Jace’s half.

  Jace: I know you are. She’s a great girl, incredible even. But you already know that. I felt instantly connected to her and I’ve since found out why. I want to be her friend. I want to be there for her, just like you are.

  Jace: I love Morgan.

  Jace: No, we’re not, but I still have feelings for her.

  Jace: Yes, I’m not going to lie and tell you I don’t.

  Jace: There is definitely something between us, but like she told me last week, it can’t work out. We can only be friends.

  Jace: If I do man, you have my permission to kick my ass.

  Jace: Yes, I’d like that too. Thanks.

  There’s a lot more, but they just go on to talk about the bar and sports and guy stuff. They even talked about The Freeway Station. And from what I can see, it turns out that they hit it off really well. I’m so relieved. But I still need Tanner to fill in the blanks for me. When he gets up, I make him give me the play-by-play of their conversation.

  “Keri, I can’t possibly remember everything that I said.”

  I give him the evil eye and he takes his phone from me to pull up Jace’s texts. “I told him you are like family to me and I asked what his intentions were concerning you. Then he didn’t really answer my question so I asked him flat-out if he wants anything romantically or physically from you.”

  My eyes go wide at this. That must be when he said he loves Morgan and my heart sinks. Then Tanner says, “After he told me that even though they aren’t together he still has feelings for her I asked him if he has feelings for you. Then I think I asked him to respect your request to only be friends and not push you on it. Then I told him I’d hurt him if he ever hurts you.” He looks up at me with raised eyebrows. “Satisfied?”

  “So, it looked like you guys got along okay, I mean from what you talked about the rest of the night.”

  “Yeah, he seems like a decent guy. He loved the stories I told him about us back at Freeway. What does he know about that anyway? Did you ever tell him about our hookup?”

  I shake my head at him. “No,” I say.

  “The guy is going to be pissed when he finds out, Keri. He thinks we’re just friends.”

  “We are just friends, Tan. Just like Jace and I are just friends. He would have no right to be pissed, now would he?” But I secretly wouldn’t mind it if the news made him a little jealous.

  “Whatever, Keri. You guys can blow smoke up each other’s asses all day long. The bottom line is you want him and he obviously wants you, too. So be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  ~ ~ ~

  If anyone had asked me three months ago if I would be smiling while driving up to the chemo center, I would have said they were crazy. But here I am, pulling into the parking lot, not only thinking about this being my last cycle, but about the fact that I will see Jace today when I’m done. He said he would meet me here afterward. I’m as giddy as a schoolgirl as I float into the front doors for my thirteenth and final cycle.

  My heart swells when I enter the double doors. There is Jace, sitting right next to my designated spot, in a visitor’s chair, holding a bouquet of flowers. “You came!” I can’t mask the excitement in my voice or the sheer happiness because this man wanted to be here to support me during my last session. “And you’re early. You’re never early.” I sit down and he hands me the flowers and pulls out his phone.

  Jace: Well, I can’t be your inspiration if I don’t show up, can I?

  I want to tell him that he is my inspiration every second of every day. That his picture, his voice, his whispers, his texts . . . all got me through this. But I don’t, I just say, “No, I guess not. Thank you so much for being here.”

  Jace: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

  We play the same game we did last week, only in reverse, with me trying to guess where we are going after, but he won’t give me an inch.

  Jace: Just promise me one thing, Keri. Promise me that you’ll remember what I told you last week. When I said that no matter what you told me about your past that it wouldn’t change the way I feel about you? I need you to remember that today.

  I’m about to ask why he would tell me that when I suddenly recall how those words helped me. So I tell him what happened with Tyler. I tell him that it was his words, his understanding, his compassion that allowed me to share my experience with Tyler and ultimately get him to open up to me. I tell him that I didn’t realize that what I went through could help others.

  Jace: You helped me, even before you knew me, you helped me. And you helped Tyler and you help the other kids at Freeway every day. This is what you are meant to do, Keri. If anything good can come from your horrible past it’s that you will help countless kids in your life.

  “Thank you, Jace,” I whisper to him.

  He leans over and whispers back, “Ditto,” repeating the word I spoke to him long ago when we admitted our feelings for the first time.

  The main doors open and a woman walks in with her young son. I think she must be the new patient Stacy told us we were getting today. I wonder what kind of cancer she has. I immediately look at her breasts and notice she is well endowed. She is also very well dressed, her arms adorned with bracelets which is not allowed when you get chemo. My heart sinks as I look to the boy and realize that they are here for him, not his mother. Jace must realize this, too and I see his heart breaking along with mine.

  “Group, our newest member has arrived. This is Dylan. He will be here for twelve cycles. This is Dylan’s mom, Helen.” Stacy proceeds to introduce them to everyone before she gets them situated in Jace’s old spot. I have to hold back the tears. This boy can’t be more than ten years old. Jace reaches over and squeezes my hand and doesn’t let it go.

  The entire group of us watch in silence as Dylan gets his workup and then gets hooked up to the IV line. John, who is in the seat next to him, talks to him and his mom a bit and then hands the TV remote to the boy. We all laugh when he settles on SpongeBob SquarePants—much better than The Travel Channel if you ask me.

  I look over at Jace and see that he has been writing something on a piece of notebook paper. He leans over to me and whispers, “Do you mind?” And he nods his head over at Dylan. I smile as I realize that he wants to go across the room to comfort the little boy who is obviously scared by what he sees in the clinic. I remember how I felt coming in
that first day and seeing the bald heads and pale faces of some of the patients. I imagine it must be so much more frightening for a ten-year-old.

  Jace rolls his chair across the room and sits down in front of the boy and his mom. He hands the slip of paper to his mother, Helen. As she reads it, a tear falls down her cheek. She then nods at Jace and hands the paper to the boy. After the boy reads it, a small smile crosses his face and he looks up at Jace. Jace writes something else for Helen to read and then she gets out her phone and gives it to Dylan who looks very excited to be entrusted with it. For the next two hours, Jace and Dylan text each other. Dylan can obviously talk, but he doesn’t, he uses him mom’s phone the entire time. At one point he reaches out to touch Jace’s bald head. Another time, Jace pulls the collar of his shirt down to show Dylan his scar. While I’m watching them together, I think about how Jace had his sperm frozen so that he could be sure to have kids one day. I can see now why he would want them. Even without a voice to speak to Dylan, Jace is great with him. There are not many single guys who are so at ease with children. I imagine that he will be a wonderful father.

  When Jace finally gets up to come back over to me, Helen stands up and gives him a hug. Then he comes over and sits down next to me and sends me a text.

  Jace: I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you the entire time. I came here to support you and I completely lost track of time talking to Dylan.

  I lean over so that only he can hear me. “Jace, there is nothing in this world that would have made me happier than what you just did. I’m so glad you came today. You made that little boy not so scared and I’m sure it made all the difference. You are an amazing person.”