Abstract Love

by Samantha Christy

  I notice that Jace hasn’t removed his shirt in the warm sun and I know it’s because he still has the feeding tube. I can tell that he has continued to put on weight so I can’t imagine he will have it much longer. “When will you get the G-tube out?” I ask, hoping he won’t be offended by my noticing his shirt has remained on.

  Jace: Next week, as long as I don’t lose any of the weight I’ve gained.

  “You know, it won’t bother me. I mean, if you want to take your shirt off and get some sun, it won’t bother me to see it. You shouldn’t have to stay covered up just for me. The sun is brilliant today and if I do say so myself, your pale skin could use some of it.”

  He silently laughs at me. He stares at me in contemplation. Then, he nervously watches me as he removes his shirt. As I blatantly stare at his stomach, I realize how inconsequential it is. It’s just a small plug that sits a few inches above and slightly off center from his belly button. Moments later, I realize that I’ve been staring at his abs. How does a man in chemo keep such toned abs? I notice that his shorts ride low and . . . oh, he didn’t lose all his hair. There is a fine trail of hair running down from his belly button, beneath his shorts to the place that makes my face instantly heat up. My phone vibrates on the table pulling me from my impromptu fantasy.

  Jace: Are you objectifying me?

  “Uh . . .” I’m mortified that he caught me staring at him. I feel terrible that he probably thinks I was looking at his feeding tube. My mind races, trying to come up with something to say so that he’s not uncomfortable. However, when I look over at him, he has a smirk on his face.

  Jace: Thanks, Keri. I think you just gave me the best compliment I’ve ever had.

  We sunbathe together in comfortable silence, listening to music from his iPod. Music that is also on my playlist. How can two people from different worlds have so much in common? When we hear thunder, the captain comes down to tell us there is a storm moving in and that we are going to head back to beat the weather. We spend the next half hour watching the incredible lightning show far out at sea. Then, there is a break in the clouds and sunshine peeks through, producing a glorious rainbow. Before I know it, tears are streaming down my cheeks and Jace’s arms come around me.

  “What is it, Keri?” he whispers, as he runs a hand soothingly up and down my arm.

  “It’s just that . . . this day, it’s been incredible. You’ve given me something I never dreamed I would have. You’ve brought me closer to my dad. And now, seeing this rainbow . . . well, my dad used to comfort me during storms by telling me about rainbows. He said that sometimes after a storm, a rainbow will shine brightly and that meant that someone was reaching out from heaven.”

  Jace holds me as happy tears roll down my cheeks. And I know, despite what will happen to me later tonight, that this has been the best day of my life.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Holy shit, Keri!” Tanner covers his head with his hands and then runs them across his morning stubble. “You mean to tell me I threatened to kick a millionaire’s ass?” He shakes his head in disbelief and then turns his attention back to the laptop where he has been Googling all things Jarrett for the past fifteen minutes.

  This morning, when I told Tanner everything I’d learned about Jace, he immediately went for his computer and started researching him, his family and his foundation. “I can’t believe what a normal guy he is,” Tanner says. “I mean, he doesn’t act like he has money at all. The stuff we talked about at the bar the other night was just the same crap I talk to all my buddies about. I can’t believe he paid your medical bills and paid the bills of everyone else at chemo. Who does that?”

  “I know, right?” I agree. “I was super mad at him until he told me that he basically did the same for everyone else. It made me feel a little less like a Connor.” Tanner nods his head in agreement. He had lived through it with me, so he understands what I mean. He knows that I could never take advantage of someone for his money.

  “So, what’s wrong with the guy? He’s too perfect. He’s gorgeous, rich, nice, caring and he loves your best friend. There has to be a catch.” He winks at me.

  “There is. And her name is Morgan,” I say sadly. “But I’m not going to let that stand in the way of our friendship. Even if I can’t be with him, I can still be with him.”

  Suddenly, I realize what Jace’s generosity means for Tanner and me, and a huge smile becomes plastered on my face. “Oh my God, Tan, you can quit your other jobs now! We can go back to being us and having fun with our friends, and you no longer have to break your back for me.”

  “Keri, I never looked at it that way. I did what I had to do and I would do it all over again. I can never repay you for what you did for me. This was barely a drop in the bucket compared to that.”

  He may say that, but I saw him being run ragged by the three jobs he was holding down. And he never complained. Not one time. He just kept filling up that jar in the kitchen, and when it overflowed, he would deposit it into an account earmarked for my medical expenses. Then he would start filling the jar again. I don’t even know how much he saved. “Well, now you have some extra money. What are you going to do with it”? I ask.

  “It’s not my money, Keri. It was never my money. I don’t want it, it’s all for you. Buy a new laptop, get some new clothes, do whatever you want with it.”

  “No way, Tan. You earned it. I did nothing for it. I can’t take your money. I won’t.”

  “The hell you didn’t earn it, Keri. You endured cancer and chemo, and you will live in fear for the rest of your life that it might come back. By the way, when do you go in for your next scans?”

  I go to the calendar on the wall and page forward three months to the date circled in red. That’s the day. That is the day I will find out if I have to endure more chemo, or worse, surgery. But I can’t think about that now. I refuse to live under a cloud of doubt. I want to make the most of my life, however short or long it may be. I want to fill my life with people I care about. People who themselves are caring and compassionate and make life worth living. People like Jace. And suddenly I know what to do with the money.

  “Tan, if you are sure you won’t keep the money for yourself, I think I have an idea of what to do with it.”

  “Throw it off a bridge if that’s what you want. It’s all yours. All ten thousand dollars of it.”

  I choke on my coffee. “Ten thousand dollars? Are you kidding me? How did you save that much in four months?” I eye him suspiciously.

  “It’s not what you think, Keri. We pretty much put our lives on hold. We stopped going out, stopped spending money. That, with my extra jobs and the awesome tips we got thanks to Richie Rich, all added up quickly.” I blow out the breath I was holding. It would kill me if Tanner ever went back to a life of crime just to help me. But I know he would do it, if he thought he had to and that scares me to no end.

  Tanner gets up to get ready for his temp job. “I’ll give them notice today and finish out the week. I promise I’ll buy myself something nice with this week’s paycheck if it will make you feel better.”

  I give him a sly smile and say, “Or you could just bring the extra money to Scrabble Night and try to make a killing.”

  He laughs at me. “Hell, I almost forgot about Scrabble Night. It will be great to get back to it after all these months. There is a guy at my day job that has been checking me out, maybe I’ll bring him. Man, it will be weird to start dating again. Oh, and you should bring Jace. Or do you think that would be beneath him?” he teases.

  Beneath him? I question if that man thinks anything is beneath him. He wasn’t even embarrassed that he bought me a cheap bottle of champagne. I love his humility. Yes, I think I will invite him along. But first, I’ve got ten thousand dollars burning a hole in my pocket.

  ~ ~ ~

  After spending all of Tuesday recovering from my last chemo cycle, I stop by the bank to take care of the funds that Tanner transferred to my account yesterday. My phone vibrates in my
pocket as I’m walking back to my car.

  Morgan: Hi Keri, it’s Morgan. I hope you are doing well. I’m texting you to find out about Jace. How is he doing?

  Why is Morgan still texting me? She is a friend of his family and should just be getting information from them. The last thing I want is to be communicating with his ex.

  Me: Morgan, don’t you think you should be asking his family? They probably know more about his medical condition than I do.

  It’s a lie. I know that they don’t know much at all, except for Jules. I know that his parents don’t know how much weight he lost and how much he then gained back. They never asked about his Monday Madness or offered much help in any way. They never showed one ounce of support. At least Morgan bothered to show up a few times.

  Morgan: I’ve tried to stay away. I know they must be furious with me. I can barely stand to be with myself these days. I don’t deserve to be kept informed about his situation. But I thought you might tell me anyway.

  I think back to what she said the last time she texted me. I think about when I first met Jace and he told me all of the wonderful things about her. I’ve since talked with other people at chemo and I’ve learned that there are more people than you’d think that simply can’t deal with a loved one’s cancer. I’m trying not to hold it against her. But it would be so much easier if Jace didn’t still love her.

  Me: He’s doing pretty well, actually. He’s still gaining weight. He’s happy to be done with chemo. He’s still waiting to see if he will be able to speak again, but I guess that just takes time.

  Morgan: Thank you, Keri. I really appreciate it.

  Me: Now that I’ve cooperated with you, will you give me an honest answer to something?

  Morgan: Of course.

  Me: Are you going to come back to him when he’s better? When he gets his feeding tube out and when his hair grows in . . . when he is talking again . . . will you get back together with him?

  I press send and realize that my hands are shaking and I’m holding my breath awaiting her response. I don’t know if it’s merely my imagination, but it seems like she’s taking her time texting me back. Does she not know the answer? Does she even have any idea that the woman she is texting is in love with him? Or maybe that is exactly why she is texting me. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

  Morgan: I don’t know. I mean, I know I’m a horrible person for leaving him that way. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him to come back to me after what I did. But, I just don’t know. All I know is that I still love him. That’s as honest as I can be, Keri.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  At work on Saturday, I’m still thinking about Morgan’s text. She still loves him. He still loves her. Of course they will get back together. I know deep down, I have hoped that she will walk away and that he will eventually get over her. And sometimes I’ll have an amazing day with him, like on the yacht last week, and I see a glimmer of hope and those walls around my heart start to break open and let him in. But then I realize that he hasn’t texted me, not since he checked on me Tuesday, and I slowly build those walls back up again. My heart is on a roller coaster ride and at some point, I fear it will spin out of control. My phone vibrates in my pocket, pulling me from my trance.

  Jace: What does it take to get a drink around here?

  I look up and around the bar and see Jace sitting down in the middle of the bar near both Tanner’s and my sections. I delight in my power to conjure him up at will. After I finish serving a few customers, I walk over, peeking in the mirror behind the bar along the way to make sure I look presentable. I’m glad I wore one of my best Triple J shirts and my almost-too-tight shorts that give my butt a nice lift. “Hey, how are you?”

  Jace: I’m great.

  He has a smirk on his face and is looking at me like he knows a secret or something. I notice how happy he looks. Not that I haven’t seen him happy before, I have. Like when we were on his boat, or when he was talking to Dylan, the kid at chemo, or when we went for coffee. Then I frown as I remember . . . or when he was with Morgan. I shake it off. “What can I get you?”

  Jace: How about a draft beer . . . an amber maybe.

  “Coming right up,” I say, as his eyes follow me over to get a frosty glass from the cooler. He watches me the entire time I tap his beer and when it overflows all over my hand, he silently laughs. Red overtakes my face as I quickly wipe down the glass and place it on a coaster for him. As he reaches for the glass, his fingers momentarily touch mine making my skin tingle.

  “Hey, man, how are you doing?” Tanner says over my shoulder as he reaches a hand out to shake Jace’s. I watch the two of them as they talk and text back and forth like old buddies. I’m glad that Tanner hasn’t let Jace’s revelation of riches interfere with their budding friendship.

  Jace: I don’t have to ask you how it feels to know you don’t have to go for chemo on Monday. We should celebrate.

  I pull out my own private bottle of tequila. Tanner and I each keep one under the bar for those rare occasions when you just need a shot, like when we got a raise a few months ago. I pour us each a shot, slide his over to him and say, “Don’t tell the boss.” Then I clink his glass and take my shot. He downs his as well and smiles while shaking his head.

  Jace: Thanks, but that’s not what I meant. We should go out and celebrate our renewed freedom. You know, out someplace fun, knowing we won’t get sick after . . . at least not from chemo. Where we can just enjoy ourselves and be regular people for a change. What do you say, Keri?

  Excited by the fact that he wants to continue our friendship, however twisted it is, but bummed that we will never take it to the next level, I say to him, “Jace, I’m not going on a date with you.” No matter how much I want to, no matter how much my body is screaming for it.

  Jace: Not a date, Keri. I’m going to respect your wishes. There are no expectations here. I just think we need to celebrate.

  Yes, I can do that.

  Maybe. I think.

  But I draw the line at going out by ourselves. It blurs the lines of our friendship. We need to go somewhere with lots of other people, someplace public. Then I remember what Tanner said earlier this week and a smile crosses my face. “Are you free Monday night?” I ask him.

  Jace: Sure, what do you have in mind?

  “Scrabble.”

  He looks at me like my head isn’t screwed on properly. Like I thought he would look at me when I said it. Nobody gets it, our silly Scrabble Night. The one night we all get together and cut loose because the rest of the time we have to be responsible bartenders or waitresses as we watch other people have fun.

  Jace: Did you really just say Scrabble?

  I laugh at him and go on to explain our Monday night tradition. His face lights up as I tell him all about it. About the food—everyone brings a dish, about the betting—one quarter per point, about the fun—bring your own liquor. We rotate the location and we play in teams based on how many people show up. “You really have to experience it to understand it,” I say.

  Jace: I can’t think of a better way to spend my Monday night. I’m in.

  I can’t keep the smile from my face as I go about helping other customers. It’s starting to get busy as the night goes on and the club is filling up. Two attractive women sit at the bar, flanking Jace’s barstool. They giggle and say things that I can’t hear and Jace texts them back. My spine stiffens and the smile falls from my face when I realize that he must know them to have their phone numbers. Of course he does. What, do I think that he doesn’t have attractive women falling all over him everywhere he goes? I guess I’ve never really seen him out of the context of chemo, or the few times we’ve been out just the two of us. He probably has a harem of women waiting to be with the rich and gorgeous Jace Jarrett. He waves me over to them. Oh, God, I’ve been so busy avoiding them that I forgot I should be serving them. I hurry over and say, “Sorry, ladies, what can I get for you?”

  They spout their orders at me whi
le Jace is texting. My phone vibrates and he motions for me to look at it right away.

  Jace: Keri, this is Brittney and Carly, old friends of mine.

  I reach over the bar to shake hands with them. Well, I try to shake their hands, but they barely touch me like my working-class hands might bleed poverty all over their highly-manicured fingers. They share a look with one another, then they look back at me and assess me from head to toe while I make their drinks. The way they are looking at me is not the way you might take in a new acquaintance, more like the way you size up a bug while trying to decide if you are going to use your shoe or a magazine to squash it.

  Jace: Ignore them, Keri. Please understand that I use the term ‘friends’ very loosely when referring to them. They are some girls from my parents’ country club. They don’t know what it’s like to work a day in their lives. I didn’t know they were going to be here. I’m sorry.

  I’m relieved a little after reading his text. But these girls are just one more reason we could never be together. I look at their designer clothes and their Prada purses and realize I wouldn’t even begin to fit into his world. Even though he is not like that, in his Levis and polo shirt that were probably purchased at the local mall.

  I get busy with drink orders, but I still notice Bottle-Blonde and Bottle-Blonder talking, flirting and hair-flipping their way through a few drinks with Jace. He, however, stops at two drinks while his ‘friends’ continue to imbibe. I look at him and he rolls his eyes as if he’s bored and has heard their stories a million times over. He catches me watching him in the bar mirror and makes ridiculous faces at me. He texts me silly one-liners that keep me smiling. Eventually, Mike walks by and notices Jace sitting at the bar. They shake hands and then a smiling Jace texts me to tell me that he is going to Mike’s office to be ‘rescued’ from the giggle twins.