Where the Light Gets In

by Lucy Dillon

Oh God, that was it. And the iPad was buzzing again.

  Cool. What’s ur postcode case I get lost? I am so bad at directions lol xxx

  Rosie’s dots flashed. And there it was: the postcode. ‘Write it down,’ hissed Tiff. ‘Quick!’

  Did you tell ur mum I’m coming? asked Hattie, and Lorna and Tiff both groaned simultaneously at the answer.

  Kind of. Said u were a friend? She’ll b cool tho .

  Lorna stared at the screen. No, Pearl, she is not going to be cool, having her family secret turning up on the doorstep. And, Hattie, your mum is definitely not going to be cool.

  I think its the best way to be honest. My fam are just ignoring the whole thing. It’s so unfair – its like we don’t matter? xx

  Lorna’s own phone rang in her bag, but she ignored it. What did she need? Phone, cash … Should she tell Jess? She wavered. No. This was something she could handle better herself.

  ‘I’m going to get her,’ she said. ‘And if Jess rings, tell her to call me.’

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  The drive to Gloucester seemed to take for ever, and Lorna argued aloud with herself for most of the way about whether she should call Hattie to tell her she was coming, or not. She might be able to stop Hattie plunging herself into a mess she couldn’t get out of, but it would mean confessing about the iPad.

  The situation resolved itself for her when her phone rang on the hands-free and the baby photo of Hattie in her yellow-duck romper suit flashed up. Lorna nearly knocked it out of the cradle in her eagerness to answer.

  ‘Auntie Lorna?’ The voice was small.

  ‘Hattie? Are you all right?’

  ‘No. I need you to come and get me. I’m …’ A ragged breath. ‘I’ve done something a bit stupid. I’m in—’

  ‘I know where you are,’ said Lorna. Her heart was pumping protectively. ‘I’m on my way. Don’t worry, sweetheart. Just go into the nearest coffee shop, or pub, text me the postcode and wait for me.’

  Hattie was huddled in the corner of a McDonald’s when Lorna found her, an untouched Happy Meal arranged in front of her like a protective wall. The strip lights threw harsh shadows on her face and she seemed younger in her big hoodie, the sleeves wrapped over her fingers.

  Lorna slid into the booth and hugged her, but Hattie didn’t burrow into her the way she expected. Her body felt rigid, as if she were holding herself very firmly together.

  She’d been expecting tears, or hysteria. If anything, Hattie’s expression was grim. ‘So, then,’ said Lorna, picking at the uneaten chips to downplay her own tightly-stretched nerves. ‘Hadn’t you better tell me what’s happened?’

  Hattie looked down.

  ‘Come on. No secrets, right? What’s been going on?’

  She didn’t answer, so Lorna said, ‘Fine, I’ll start. You met up with Pearl, yes? Where?’

  ‘How did you know?’

  ‘Well? Did you?’

  Hattie rubbed her eyes and gave up. ‘Yeah. We’d been talking on Snapchat for ages. We’ve got so much in common, it’s like I’ve known her for ever! I told her about how Mum and Dad were pretending like nothing had happened. And we thought since it’s really about us , we should just start the conversation ourselves. Because it’s wrong that we’re the only people who don’t get a say. And we’re, like, family in a way they aren’t! Do you know what I mean?’

  There was a simplistic logic to it that Lorna couldn’t deny. But telling Hattie how selfish it was wouldn’t help right now. ‘So you decided to meet up?’

  ‘We didn’t plan it to hurt anyone’s feelings or anything. Pearl said I was a friend coming to hang out, because, like, I was? And we thought we’d just, you know, tell her mum, so she could see it was no big deal for us, so it shouldn’t be for them.’

  The big dramatic reveal, just like every season finale on reality television. Lorna winced for everyone. ‘Could you not have prepared Pearl’s mum a bit first?’

  ‘She was prepared.’ Hattie’s eyes widened with indignation. ‘She knew Pearl was Dad’s daughter. She knew Pearl had been in touch with him, so it was just a matter of time before we wanted to meet. She could have dealt with it herself, instead of leaving it to us.’

  ‘Was her dad there? Pearl’s real dad, I mean?’ That wasn’t the right phrase but Lorna brushed over it. ‘What did he say?’

  ‘I can’t really remember exactly what happened.’ Hattie sawed the straw up and down in her Diet Coke cup. It made an ugly noise, like a seal barking. ‘We were talking, and Pearl’s mum came in and guessed who I was, and started shouting at Pearl, and then her dad came in to see what the problem was and he was mad at us for upsetting her mum. Then Pearl’s brothers started crying too. She’s got two brothers, Freddie and Alfie.’ Hattie’s bemused expression made it obvious that she hadn’t really banked on anyone being upset.

  ‘And they threw you out?’

  ‘No, I left when everyone started yelling.’ She rubbed her eyes. ‘I’ve never heard Mum and Dad yell like that. It was … so loud. I wanted to run away but I didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I just wanted a sister, like you and Mum have got each other. It doesn’t matter what happens with everything else, you’ve always got each other. Is it so bad I wanted to know my sister too?’

  She hiccupped. Lorna reached out and covered her hands with hers. It wasn’t the time to remind Hattie that she already had a sister, one who might end up being a wonderful friend one day. That was probably part of the problem.

  ‘Hattie. I know you were trying to do the right thing but sometimes it’s better to …’

  ‘To lie?’

  ‘Not lie, but to …’

  ‘You’re saying it’s better to cover things up?’ Hattie’s expression verged on pitying. ‘We’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t pretend things don’t exist just because they don’t fit in the way you want. Maybe in the old days, but life isn’t like that any more.’

  ‘No one was pretending anything, Hattie. Everyone’s just trying to work out the right thing to do. It’s not that simple.’

  Hattie looked down at her bitten nails and didn’t speak for a moment. ‘Pearl’s mum said …’

  A gaggle of teens crashed through the doors, swept up on their own energy, laughing and yelling at each other.

  Lorna struggled to make herself heard over their noise. ‘Pearl’s mum said what?’

  Hattie glanced up from under her thick lashes. ‘She said that Mum tricked Dad into getting her pregnant because she wanted to leave home because Grandma and Grandpa were weird.’ Her face crumpled. ‘Is that true? Why would she say that?’

  ‘It’s not true,’ said Lorna reflexively.

  ‘But weird. What did she mean by weird?’ Her expression contorted with lurid fear. ‘Grandpa was headmaster of a boarding school, wasn’t he? He wasn’t one of those …?’

  ‘No .’ It came out of Lorna with such force the teenage boys at the counter turned to look at her in surprise. ‘No,’ she said, dropping her voice only slightly. ‘Grandpa was nothing like that. Your grandparents loved each other, and they loved me and your mum. If they were weird, then I’d rather have that than … than non-weird parents any day.’

  ‘But we never saw them.’ Hattie had obviously been rolling it around in her mind. ‘Not like we see Granny and Grandpa Jack. I don’t know anything about them, really.’

  ‘That was because …’ Lorna stopped. Why was that? How did you explain that relationship to a teenager? ‘Well, they lived a long way away, didn’t they?’

  Hattie gazed at her, disappointed but also curious. ‘Didn’t they want to see us? Weren’t they interested in us?’

  ‘We need to talk about this at home, Hattie. Not here.’ Lorna grabbed her bag and got up. There was one more awkward conversation to have today. ‘I think we should try to smooth things over with Pearl and her mum,’ she said. ‘But you should stay in the car.’

  ‘Not we at all then,’ said Hattie
sulkily. ‘You.’

  Lorna looked over her shoulder at her niece. Tonight, she looked a lot like Jess. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I think you’ve given it your best shot already.’

  Pearl’s family lived in a terraced house in a not particularly nice residential area of Gloucester. Number sixteen, with a blue door and dried-up window boxes outside. When Lorna rang the doorbell, she could hear raised voices inside, although it might have been the television. She hoped it was, anyway.

  She took a step backwards, glancing up to the bedroom windows. A curtain moved, but whoever had twitched it was keeping well out of sight. Lorna got the feeling she was being watched from the house, as well as from the car – which she’d parked well away from the door, just in case.

  The door opened halfway, and a woman’s face looked out, staring at her with red-rimmed eyes. Ash-blonde hair, two earrings in each ear, girlish features that had coarsened with age and sleepless nights, a shell-shocked expression. Erin. She wasn’t what Lorna had been expecting but then … what had she been expecting?

  ‘Don’t shut the door on me, I’m Hattie’s Aunt Lorna,’ she said quickly.

  ‘Oh, for f—’ Erin nearly slammed it on her but Lorna had her foot in the way. ‘Don’t you think your family’s caused enough trouble today?’

  ‘I apologise if Hattie’s created problems tonight. She means well, but they don’t always think things through.’

  Erin rolled her eyes. ‘No shit. No, she’s only set my husband off again, after he’d just about calmed down from the time Pearl told us she’d met up with Ryan. My boys keep asking if they’ve got any more secret brothers and sisters. And how come Dad’s not Pearl’s real dad?’

  ‘They didn’t know?’

  ‘Why should they?’ Erin retorted angrily. ‘They’re babies, they don’t need to know about stuff like this. Me and Andy have been together since Pearl was a toddler. He’s her dad. I’d never have got in contact with Ryan at all if it wasn’t for the medical thing.’ She sniffed. ‘Wasn’t exactly the romance of the century for me either.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. But there was no need to tell Hattie those lies about her mum.’ Lorna lowered her voice. ‘That was just cruel.’

  ‘Was it though?’ Erin tilted her head. ‘Lies? Not what he said to me. Or his brother.’

  ‘Amazing the things that seem to have stuck in your mind.’ The anger from her earlier confrontation with Gabriel was still coursing through Lorna’s blood.

  Erin narrowed her eyes. ‘Listen, I love the bones of my Pearl, I wouldn’t change her for the world, but as far as Ryan goes, it was a mistake. A mistake we can draw a line under. At least I’m not fooling anyone about that. Unlike your sister.’

  And she closed the door in Lorna’s face.

  Lorna stared at the blue gloss paint. She could see the shape of her own face in the reflection, while her ears rang with one word: mistake . Mistake. Mistake.

  Jess never made mistakes.

  ‘I need to make a call,’ said Lorna when they’d driven some way away. She’d parked up in a garage forecourt so she could think, and now she’d made up her mind.

  Hattie was sitting subserviently in the passenger seat now. She didn’t even have her phone out, and she looked ready to sleep or cry. Or both.

  This needed to be sorted out this evening. It couldn’t wait until the morning.

  Lorna dialled her sister’s number, and she answered straight away, as usual.

  ‘Jess, we need to have a talk.’ Lorna went straight into her prepared speech. ‘Hattie’s been doing some …’ She glanced over at her. ‘… some detective work, and frankly, I think it’s about time everyone just sat down and cleared the air about a few things.’

  ‘Lorna, I’m at the cinema,’ Jess whispered. ‘We’re in the family showing of Despicable Me 3 .’

  ‘I don’t care. Where’s Ryan? Is he with you?’

  A barely audible snort. ‘No. At his mother’s.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll tell Ryan to drive over to my house and I’ll expect you by eight.’

  ‘But what about the kids?’ Jess was still whispering and Lorna could hear her being shushed by other cinema-goers.

  ‘Bring them. I have a live-in nanny who’s happy to entertain them for money. I’ll see you soon.’

  ‘This had better be really important.’

  Lorna looked at Hattie, half the spitting image of her mother, a quarter the spitting image of her artist grandmother. Her own blood and spirit, the future of their family. ‘It is,’ she said.

  Milo and Tyra were delighted to be herded upstairs for a surprise bedtime story session with Tiffany. They were still full of Haribos and popcorn from the cinema, and Lorna could tell from the bumps and squeals emanating from overhead that Tiff was using her full range of professional skills to contain their excitement. Joyce had gone for an early night.

  Jess looked less delighted to be there, especially when she walked in to see Hattie glaring at her from across the table and Lorna told her why she’d dragged her across the country. She looked even less delighted when Ryan appeared, ten minutes later.

  He seemed as anxious as ever, but noticeably less haggard than the last time Lorna had seen him. His jumper was stretched over the beginnings of a belly, and his face had filled out.

  ‘I see your mother made you dinner again,’ Jess observed tartly.

  ‘I’d almost forgotten what a roast dinner tasted like,’ he shot back.

  ‘Stop it!’ Lorna held up her hands. ‘Stop it. This has gone on long enough. You need to talk. Ryan, sit down.’ She pointed at the chair at the table. ‘Jess, you sit there, please. Hattie? I think you should go and have a bath.’

  ‘What? Why? You’re kicking me out?’

  ‘Yes.’ Lorna could understand her indignation but it wouldn’t help. Jess and Ryan needed to be honest, more honest than a child should hear, probably. ‘Have a bath, and by the time you’re done, you can sit in for round two.’

  Hattie looked instinctively at her mum, but quickly looked away again, as if she was seeing someone different sitting in her place. The betrayal in her eyes was painful to witness. ‘Mum?’

  ‘Lorna’s right. Give us ten minutes.’

  Ryan snorted, as if ten minutes wasn’t going to fix anything.

  ‘Use my good bath soak,’ said Lorna. ‘Use Tiffany’s body butter. Whatever you like.’

  ‘Fine.’ With a final huff, she spun on her heel and stalked out.

  ‘And no Snapchat!’ Jess called after her. ‘What? She’s going to be straight on there moaning about what Nazis we are.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Lorna didn’t know what she was supposed to do now. She sat down at the table, between them. ‘Listen, you two need to sort this out. I have no idea how couples counsellors work, I’ve never had a relationship last long enough to get to that stage. But I grew up with two parents who kept secrets from me – maybe not intentionally, and maybe they didn’t even know they were doing it – and you’re doing that to Hattie now. You’re pushing her out. And she’s going to start looking elsewhere for her family if you keep doing it.’

  Silence. Neither wanted to go first. Lorna wondered desperately whether she should get the pens and paper out, make them draw their issues.

  Then, to her surprise, Ryan spoke. He’d been staring at his hands on the table, focusing on the thick gold band he’d worn since he was a teen. It had come from the jewellers, five doors down from where they were sitting.

  ‘What did Erin say when Hattie went round there?’ It sounded like he already knew the answer.

  ‘She told Hattie you only married Jess because she tricked you into getting her pregnant.’

  ‘What?’ Jess’s reaction was swift and hot. A fraction too much so, in Lorna’s private opinion.

  ‘And that Jess only did it to escape our freaky family,’ she went on, and this time Jess’s face fell in real shock.

  ‘Ryan? Did you say that?’

  He didn�
�t reply at once. Ryan had never been one for repartee or jokes; that had always been Sam. Now Lorna could almost hear him putting the words together in his head, carefully, and she realised it was out of kindness, not slowness. Ryan never wanted to make the wrong impression.

  ‘I was eighteen at the time so probably not the most mature thing to do,’ he replied. ‘But yes, I think there was a bit of that in there, don’t you? If you’re completely honest.’ He looked up, meeting Jess’s eyes straight on, and she reeled from the unexpected challenge in his placid face.

  ‘Our parents weren’t weird ,’ she spluttered. ‘They were in love, too in love maybe, but Mum was an artist. Just because there weren’t any other artists around, she wasn’t weird …’

  ‘You did want to escape, though. I sensed that from the first time I met you. You wanted your own family and when you told me you were pregnant …’ He shrugged. ‘Well, I can’t say I was surprised.’

  ‘You don’t think I did it on purpose, do you?’ Jess turned to Lorna, appealing to her for moral back-up. ‘Lorna? You don’t think that too, do you? Oh my God.’ She looked furious, defensive. ‘It’s all coming out tonight, isn’t it?’

  ‘What does it matter now?’ Ryan shrugged. ‘Who cares? We both wanted Hattie. Things worked out. You don’t want to think of yourself as the kind of girl who traps a lad with a baby but I didn’t mind being trapped, to be honest. I loved you. And I was glad not to have to stay and work for Dad. The only thing that’s bothered me is …’ Finally, he stopped, teetering on the edge of his own honesty.

  ‘What?’ Jess pressed him.

  Yes, what, thought Lorna, gripped. The hidden depths of Ryan Prothero were a revelation to her too.

  ‘I sometimes wonder if anyone else would have done.’ His open face was strained, and Lorna saw Ryan had lived with that corrosive doubt in his heart for seventeen years. ‘You wanted out, and you knew I was the kind of guy who wouldn’t walk away from a child.’

  ‘No!’ Jess’s hand shot across the table and grabbed Ryan’s. Her voice rang with pain. ‘Ryan, never think that. That is not true. If I only wanted a way out of Longhampton, why would our marriage have lasted so long? Why would we have had Tyra? And Milo? And our life together? I can’t believe you’d think that.’