by Lucy Coleman
It’s time to head back and when we hug goodbye I’m glad that Lizzie finally knows everything.
I drive home wondering whether a part of me didn’t want to tackle the issue head on with Karl. Do I want to commit to a man who puts his career before us? If I make a fuss then maybe he will come clean but what if I only think I’m in love with him? Is it only my gutting disappointment that he’s happy to continue to live a lie that keeps me from giving him an ultimatum?
A Case of Less Meaning More
‘Hi, lovely lady. You look amazing in that dress.’
Karl appreciates detail. He's attentive and demonstrative; handsome and successful in a way that other people often envy. At six foot four he has presence; he’s also a man who works at keeping himself in shape and well groomed. Dark, almost navy blue eyes and that jet black hair certainly have my heart skipping a beat. He’s a catch and he could probably have any woman he wanted. Enjoy it while it lasts, Anna, I say to myself as I let him kiss my cheek. He lingers, his lips brush the tip of my ear and he whispers, ‘I love you, lady’.
As usual, I smile and hug him, then pull away. I imagine the chalk board and the scraping sound as I write #1; maybe today he’ll eclipse his record. Or maybe this is the day when he’ll stop to explain why he loves me and what exactly I mean to him. And then tell me how desperate he is to hear me say those words back to him; to know that I feel the same way. Or maybe this will simply be yet another day in our cosy relationship that doesn’t really move us forward at all.
‘I hope this film is as good as they say it is,’ he remarks casually. The awkward moment passes, seemingly without him noticing and he takes my hand in his, urging me forward in the queue.
As we take our seats he checks that my line of visibility is clear and fusses over folding my coat and placing it on the empty seat next to him.
The film is a comedy I’ve been looking forward to seeing, but I’m not in the mood because I can’t switch off my thoughts and relax. Instead, I keep glancing at Karl’s profile, watching his face in repose and instinctively smiling when he breaks out in peals of laughter.
When we first arrived, I noticed at least a dozen women in the seats behind us watching his every move. But I’m the woman on his arm, so why do I feel so insecure? He’s a man of many words, but I’m not convinced about the depth of emotion some of those words carry. It’s easy to say the things people want to hear, isn’t it? And it’s easy to hear something and read more into it than actually exists. I’ve been there once already and the scars take a long time to heal.
*
Karl sidles up to me. Nestling his body up against my back, he wraps his arms around my waist to give me a hug. I continue to unwrap a few cheeses and lay them out on a platter, laughing as he buries his head in my hair. We always come back to my place after a night out. He lives like a bachelor and his fridge is never stocked.
‘You’re very quiet tonight, Anna. Anything I should be worried about?’
I tried to join in with the spirit of the film but with my head filled with so many conflicting emotions it was hard to concentrate. I’m on the brink of challenging him about our situation and telling him how unhappy I am with the way things are. Tonight, all I could think about was how I would begin that conversation. But there’s an underlying problem. Assuming that Karl immediately wants to do the right thing and make me happy, rather than risk losing me, what if I don’t suddenly feel my life is complete, after all?
What if things don’t fall nicely into place? It’s like I have this disconnect. I want to love him; I want this to be right. However, I can’t engage until he’s proven beyond any doubt whatsoever that he loves me. Only then will I truly know how I feel and hopefully be able to say that back to him.
‘I’m… tired. That’s all.’
‘Hey,’ he turns me round so he can stare into my eyes. I have a cheese knife in one hand and a piece of kitchen towel in the other. ‘I don’t like to think of my girl overdoing it. If you need to take some time off the boss is saying yes.’
When he looks down at me with that look on his face it’s a different Karl I see. There is a vulnerable streak there, a softness to him that never shows at work.
‘I’ll be fine. It’s only that… sometimes I’m not sure what the future holds.’
Damn it, Anna, why do you have to soften it? Ask him outright! Or are you scared you won’t get the answer you think you want?
‘The future is bright, I can promise you that. We’re going to be trail blazers, Anna. You’re going to love being driven around in a Porsche and taken to the best restaurants. And it’s not just my success we’re talking about here, Anna, we’re a team. Your parents are going to be very proud of their daughter’s achievements.’
I stare back at him, trying hard to hide my bitter disappointment.
‘I just want to be happy, Karl, and have a good work/life balance. Work is only a part of it.’
He looks at me and emits a slow sigh.
‘I see this as a start and my aspirations go way beyond that. I don’t want a mediocre life, I want it all – for us. One day I’m going to run my own company and prove to my father I have what it takes.’
I met Karl’s parents once and that was enough. I felt uncomfortable in their company, as if I wasn’t good enough for their son. Which was bad enough, but the way his father treated him was appalling. He kept asking questions and challenging every single little thing. I knew Karl was embarrassed and we hardly spoke a word on the journey back home.
‘Money and material things don’t necessary bring happiness, Karl.’ I catch his eye, even though I can see he doesn’t want to listen.
‘I don’t intend settling for mediocrity, Anna. It’s not my style. And you deserve more. Why wouldn’t I want to give you a wonderful lifestyle? I love you, babe. And don’t forget that our first anniversary is nearly here and we need to do something special to mark the occasion.’
He tucks his head into my neck and kisses my ear lobe. My heart skips a beat knowing that he’s remembered and that means something, doesn’t it?
‘Together we are unbeatable, Anna. We won’t always have to be so focused on work. There will come a point when we can take time out to enjoy the fruits of our success. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’
He swings me around and I catch my breath, wondering what damage a wavering cheese knife could inflict if he doesn’t stop. I look up at him, smiling. When he isn’t trying to impress anyone at all and he’s just being himself, I like the person I see. He’s warm and caring when he isn’t wearing his work hat.
‘Somewhere quiet; some island where the water is crystal clear and you can see the fish just swimming around. Tall palm trees overhead and no Wi-Fi.’
He stops and looks at me. ‘No internet, you are joking.’
‘No, I’m not joking. All I need is a hut with a bed and a net to keep out the bugs, some sunscreen and my Kindle. Oh, and a rather handsome man at my elbow to make me cocktails.’
Karl gazes off into the distance for a moment or two.
‘Done. Just give me a little time to get everything sorted and I’ll whisk you away to the island of your dreams for a belated anniversary celebration. I promise. In the meantime, I have a little pre-anniversary present for you in the boot of my car. Wait here.’
I turn back to the countertop and finish loading up the platter, then get some plates and head for the dining room.
‘Are your eyes closed?’ He calls as he walks through the hallway.
‘Yes, they’re closed. I’m in the dining room.’
I hear his footsteps and a funny noise indicating hands grasping cardboard and now I’m curious.
‘Put out your hands. No, not like that – as if you’re going to stop someone.’
I swivel my hands back round and tip my palms upwards, like someone doing a silent mime. He shuffles forward and suddenly I feel a box; rather a big box.
‘Intrigued? Do you want to guess what it
is?’
I let my hands wander to either side of it, estimating it’s at least three feet wide.
‘I don’t have a clue. Can I open my eyes now, please?’
He laughs. ‘You’re spoiling my fun, but yes, you can.’
The box is big and heavy, probably about six inches deep and four feet long. Karl carries it over to lean it up against the wall and then begins unpacking it. It ends up being a team effort and he holds the contents while I pull the box away from him. It’s well packed, that’s for sure and polystyrene beans cascade down over the floor.
And there it is – a beautiful oval Victorian mirror; not a reproduction but the real thing. The silvered, plaster frame is very ornate in style with acorns and leaves intertwined in sharp relief to the smooth background surface. The glass has a slight grey cast, mottled by typical black spots where the silver mercury backing has broken down with age. It’s simply beautiful.
‘I love it! And the frame is in such great condition. And look at that glass. You simply can’t compare it to anything modern at all. Doesn’t the vein-like mottling to the silver make a reflection look softer?’
Karl comes to stand next to me as we stare down at the mirror which is now lying on the sofa.
‘If you say so; or we could both be breaking out in spots. I knew you’d love it, though, the moment I saw it. Well, it was between that and a silver statue of a stag. I was torn between the two but I could just imagine you checking your make-up in it while you were waiting for me to pick you up.’
I throw my arms around him and am touched that he picked such a thoughtful gift. I have dragged Karl out to tour antique shops several weekends in a row now. I’ve been looking for items that will hopefully begin to make this house feel like a home. More space seemed like a good idea, but then I was hoping it was going to be space for two.
‘I have some olive ciabatta warming in the oven. Are you hungry?’
‘Starving. Shall I open the wine?’
His arms are now around me and he lifts me off my feet as if I’m as light as a feather. Then he lowers me back onto the ground so that he can kiss the top of my head.
‘Can I stay over tonight? I’ll head off early in the morning to go back home and change.’
‘Of course. I love having you here.’
If only he would move in a few items and take over one of the wardrobes, maybe the idea of living here permanently would grow on him. That would be a good sign, a sign that he’s thinking about making a commitment. But instead I have to settle for having him in my bed tonight. That’s no hardship as it’s wonderful to fall asleep wrapped in his arms. When Karl is here, he acts like my protector. That makes me feel special and wanted. But when he’s gone it’s like the illusion is over and I know that something is missing from our relationship. I think about him when he isn’t here but does he think about me?
Good News Travels Fast
You know that moment in life when you can almost feel your heart missing a beat, but not in a good way? I look down at my phone in utter disbelief and re-read the text for the third time.
Hey, babe. I’m on my way to Robert’s office right now – this could signal some very good news! It looks like that promotion he’s been talking about might actually become a reality and the offer could be on the table today! If I’m right and he calls you in, too, then just follow my lead and be very careful what you say if he asks about us – remember, they can’t prove a thing. Looks like all our hard work might be about to pay off. Love you, babe x
I’m stunned. They can’t prove a thing? Was it only ever about the promotion that Karl has had so firmly in his sights ever since we began working together? He wouldn’t even have been in line for a promotion if it hadn’t been for the successes the team have achieved in the last six months. We’re both aware of my key role in that and how uncomfortable I’ve been living a lie to keep him happy. So, it seems he expects our relationship to continue on in secret and that’s a major blow for me. I can see now that the damage has already been done and he can’t afford to be seen in a bad light. What a fool I’ve been!
The phone on my desk rings and I jump involuntarily, despite the heads-up.
‘Anna? Are you free to pop down for five minutes?’
You don’t refuse when you get a summons from Robert Carson.
‘Of course, Robert. I’m on my way.’
I throw my mobile back into my handbag and ease myself out of the chair. Running my fingers through my sleek, dark brown bob, I straighten my skirt and slip on my jacket. Am I being unfair? Is he really the only one guilty of seeing our potential and what we could achieve together professionally? If that’s the case, Anna, then why aren’t you punching the air with excitement?
As I set off my stomach begins to churn. Karl has just asked me to lie about us again, but this time it’s one denial too far. We’re so good together and if he truly loves me, as he says he does, then surely he’d want to resolve our problem? Yes, I’m in shock still from his text and I’m feeling hurt, but it also means someone has been talking about our relationship. As I walk through the main, open plan admin area I can almost feel a pair of overly made up eyes watching my every step as I enter the lift and the door closes.
Serin and Karl only dated for a short while but they had nothing to hide as they didn’t work directly together. It’s painful knowing that their relationship was common knowledge but ours is a secret. And she’s a threat that never goes away. I know you’re watching me, lady, and you’ll stop at nothing to win him back. Serin takes every opportunity she can to fawn over him and I’ve overhead people gossiping about whether they will eventually get back together again. And then I realise that’s why keeping our relationship a secret hurts so much, because Karl is in no hurry to tell the world he’s taken. Serin has obviously seen us alone together somewhere and read the signs. She’d love to step back into his life and see him push me aside.
I swallow hard before knocking on Robert’s door: this is it, the moment of truth. I have no idea what exactly I’m walking into and my pulse begins to race.
‘Morning, Anna. Please, take a seat. We’ve just been talking about you and the amazing sales figures following the very successful Port-a-Vac advertising campaign. We have one very happy client and Karl, here, has been telling me you came up with the original premise.’
I’m sitting directly across the desk from Robert and my eyes briefly flick over to Karl, who is sitting to my right. The look on his face makes my stomach churn. He’s sitting there beaming from ear to ear as if he’s won the lottery, after calmly texting me to be careful about what I say! Karl might be able to take all of this in his stride, but I’m worried sick and would prefer to come clean and face the consequences before we go any further.
‘It’s a very good product and a household essential. People already knew what it does so I simply felt that focusing on lifestyle and image was a better way to engage the customer.’
Robert nods his head, a fleeting look passing between him and Karl.
‘Great stuff. Anyway, the reason I’ve called you here this morning is to inform you that we are restructuring the department. Karl is going to be heading up a new section to focus on our biggest accounts. We want to give our valued customers a more personal service and, in much the same way as you turned the traditional thought processes upside down, we’re re-thinking customer care.’
Karl is now starting to look a little nervous. His body language is saying one thing, but I know him too well and I can see that nervous tic at the side of his mouth.
‘Instead of clients coming to us when they have a new product all ready to launch, we’ll be sending in an advance team for early discussions way ahead of that stage. We feel it’s a win-win scenario. We’re more likely to pick up the new business because we’ll already have worked up some early branding ideas. And the added bonus is that the process itself might also influence the client’s decision making at design stage. Karl said that as a direct result of the Port-a-Vac
ad the company actually expanded their colour range.’
He’s looking at me for a response and I plaster on my work smile, maintaining eye contact.
‘It was an obvious progression and makes them stand out from the crowd.’
Robert laughs. ‘Excellent. And that’s precisely why we’re offering you a promotion to step up and become Karl’s second-in-command, deputy manager of the new Customer Focus team. If the trial is successful we’ll be looking to expand this side of the operation very quickly. And you guys will set the bar when it comes to rolling out this initiative. To begin with it will entail you working side by side and covering virtually the whole of the country. We’re going to target six key accounts to begin with, but within a year we hope to have a growing team of account executives to mirror the model you guys will be trialling. By then we see you taking on more of a mentoring and developmental role. We would like you to become trouble shooters, if you like, overseeing the set up and possibly leading to further promotion. Our company values people with drive and vision; for they are crucial to our survival in today’s market place.’
Now it’s my turn to feel uncomfortable as two pairs of eyes are trained directly on me. I know Karl is holding his breath. Robert, as usual, is impatient to get things moving along.
‘How does that sound, Anna? HR are putting together a package for you to look at and it will be on your desk within the next hour. Obviously, it will mean a lot of time on the road travelling, but I assume that won’t be a problem for you? But before you give me an answer, there’s a little issue we need to address.’
He turns his head to look directly at Karl. My heart is thumping in my chest as I watch them making eye contact, Karl trying to remain cool and composed under Robert’s scrutiny.
‘There have been rumours circulating for a while now and I can no longer turn a blind eye. Everyone in the company is aware of how closely you guys work together and I’ve appreciated that, because it’s been productive. The results you’ve produced have inspired this whole restructuring and made us re-think the way we’re going to handle our business in the future. That’s quite something. But if you see your working relationship developing into something more permanent, then I might need to adjust the plan a little.’