by Lucy Coleman
Daniel and I had a chat with his parents yesterday about France and they weren’t quite as shocked as he expected. I have no idea if it could happen, but I’m so excited just to be talking to him about it.
The company he works for are going through a rough patch and job security is an issue that worries him a lot. Once we’re signed up to that mortgage there is no going back. So, it looks like our plans are on hold for a while, anyway.
Sorry, didn’t mean to offload but we’ll talk after you get back. Have fun, party hard and let go – I’m sure Sam will be pleasantly surprised!
Lizzie xx
Well, I’ve managed the letting go thing. Is Lizzie psychic, or did she pick up on something that had been totally lost on me?
Moving the cursor down, holding my breath in case there’s something from Karl, I see there’s one from Tom.
Hey there, Anna,
I’m back in the UK. I’ll hit Nîmes Garons airport late tomorrow afternoon as I have a few things to do in London. It’s looking good for Wednesday. I’ve attached the directions to the practice surgery. We’re in two separate locations, as one is also an animal refuge and I didn’t want you turning up at the wrong address.
If you need to, call me on the number below.
I think you said you were in Cannes so I hope you pick this up in time.
Tom
I check the date and it was sent yesterday morning, an hour after Sam and I left. I still have a few things to finish off before I sit down with Tom and to be honest, I don’t feel as sociable this morning. Until Sam and Harry have had their meet-up, I’m going to be on edge.
I grab my phone and ring Sam. He picks up immediately.
‘It’s me. Are you okay?’
‘I’m good. I’m in Jack’s study and he’s trying to talk me into doing a joint project. I’ll explain later. Harry will be arriving early and is about an hour away. Do you want me to come and find you?
‘No. I’m going to lie down and have a nap. I’m exhausted from the long day yesterday and I have a bit of a headache. So, don’t worry about me. I’ll resurface in a couple of hours ready to take a dip in the pool.’
I keep my voice upbeat, not wanting to let him know of my concerns. If I told him I was going to do some work he’d feel he was neglecting me. He’s better off passing the time with Jack and I should imagine Jack will want to be there when Harry arrives, anyway. After all, who knows what’s going to be said or how fiery either of them will be.
I take a quick photo of the infinity pool and the ocean beyond from the window and send it to Mum and Dad. I caption it “Wish you were here!”
I don’t think they would see what happened last night as a good idea for me, or for Sam, if I’m honest. But sometimes in life things happen and you can’t over think them.
I carry the laptop over to the recliner and prop it up on my lap. If Tom is flying into Nîmes Garons airport then I bet he’s hiring a private jet. Goodness, maybe his father has his own jet. At the end of the day, though, we’re all just people, individuals trying to live our lives as best we can.
I log in to the new website dashboard and finish copying across some of the posts and photos from both Tom’s blog and the practice website. It’s cleaner, easier to navigate and the menu includes links to the five animal charities Tom supports.
The new logo catches the eye and keeping it simple with the black and white outline drawings of the animals was an inspired idea. Even though I say so myself. It’s almost noon when I next check my watch and I panic a little. I meant to head out and hang around in case I’m needed. I turn off the laptop, literally throw it on the bed and turn on my heels, going as quickly as I can without running.
It’s so warm again and hurrying makes a trickle of sweat roll down my back. I’m surprised to see over a dozen people with yoga mats in the area where we were dancing last night. I don’t recognise many of the faces, but then Bella said other friends would be arriving.
I can’t see her, Jack or Sam anywhere.
Andy approaches and I can tell he wants to talk to me about Shellie’s website.
‘Hi Anna, I was hoping to bump into you. I’d like to surprise Shellie—’
‘I’m really sorry, Andy, but I need to find Sam as I have a message for him. Would you mind awfully if we catch up a little later? You haven’t seen him, have you?’
He doesn’t look offended and spins around to scan the people milling about.
‘No, and I don’t think he’s out here. There’s a martial arts class after the yoga, so maybe that’s more his style.’
I smile in his direction but my eyes are checking out the people standing behind us.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll find him. And we will speak later, I promise you.’
I go back inside the house and stop one of the waitresses who is carrying a tray of soft drinks out to the terrace.
‘Have you seen Bella, or Jack, by any chance?’
Before she can answer I catch a glimpse of Bella walking down the staircase.
‘I’ve just spotted her, thank you.’
I rush across the vast open space and I can see Bella is already heading in my direction.
‘Follow me,’ she catches my arm and then walks quickly in the opposite direction, opening a door in the far corner beyond the staircase.
When we’re both inside she closes the door and indicates for me to take a seat. It’s quite a cosy room, with soft white leather chairs and sofas.
‘Sam and Harry are still talking. They are both calm and I’ve just taken in a tray of coffees. Jack is there, too. He texted me and obviously it was an excuse so that I could casually pop in and see what was happening. I’m sure he wanted me to let you know not to worry.’
‘What was the atmosphere like?’
Bella shakes her head from side to side.
‘It was difficult to gauge. They stopped talking the moment I walked in. I couldn’t tell anything from the expression on Jack’s face and both Sam and Harry had their backs to me. I simply walked in, put the tray on a side table and walked back out. We all knew it was going to be hard for them both. I have no idea how long they are going to be in there. How are you feeling?’
‘Nervous. I spent a couple of hours in my room but I don’t know quite what to do next. My stomach is churning a little, if I’m honest. If I wasn’t so on edge I’d have joined in with the yoga.’
Bella’s eyes brighten. ‘Yoga is wonderful for relaxing. I think it’s martial arts next, then lunch. After that there’s going to be a chess tournament on the terrace. Later I’m sure the pool will be popular. Have you found the hot tub yet?’
I shake my head.
‘It’s quite secluded. Wander out behind the pool house. In the far corner, there’s a lattice screen with a huge climbing rose; it’s just behind that. I go there sometimes when I want a little privacy as it’s a quiet little oasis. Why don’t you get a drink and go and chill out there? I’ll make sure Sam knows where you are when he appears. I seriously doubt they’ll talk for too much longer as they’ve already been in there just over an hour. Stay positive; let’s hope it does more good than harm.’
Bella squeezes my arm affectionately and leads me off to the bar, forcing a Pimm’s into my hands and pointing me back in the direction of the pool house.
‘Go. Really, there’s nothing you can do waiting around here. I’ll send Sam across as soon as he appears.’
Everything Begins to Fall Apart
Bella is right and although it’s only twenty minutes later that Sam comes to find me, it feels like much longer. I’m next to the hot tub, but still in my bikini with my sarong-wrap around me, just waiting. The Pimm’s is on the little bistro table, untouched.
As soon as I hear his footsteps I’m on my feet, even before he appears around the side of the screen.
‘I’m sorry it took so long. I know you’ve been worried.’
He strides across to me and I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tight and feeling him sinki
ng into me.
‘Are you relieved it’s over now?’
He presses his head into my neck, saying nothing but I understand that he’s all talked out. I slide my arms down his, catching both his hands and lead him across to the pool house.
‘You’re exhausted, Sam, and you need to sleep. Shut your mind off from everything and rest.’
He allows me to lead him upstairs and push him gently down onto the bed. I slip off his deck shoes and go over to close the shutters. The sunlight is streaming through the windows and is too bright to encourage sleep. The air-con maintains a pleasant enough temperature but now, in the shaded room, I know he will be able to rest.
I want to hang around, to be there whenever he stirs but I’m conscious of the need to keep things as normal looking as possible. I creep out through the open communicating door and half close it behind me before looking out of the window. A few people are already gravitating towards the sun loungers and I decide to go down and show my face for half an hour. I’m sure Jack and Bella will understand and appreciate the effort I’m making.
*
If I check on Sam once, I check fifty times. The afternoon seems to crawl by and it’s exhausting making idle chatter, constantly excusing myself to pop back upstairs and pretending that I’m having fun.
I have a long and detailed chat with Andy, who has now commissioned me to literally set everything up for Shellie. He’s even going to foot the bill for me to spend a day with her to get her started online and set up social media accounts.
‘She needs to have visibility, Anna, and she isn’t half as scatter-brained as she makes out. We all prefer to spend time doing the things we love, but now she needs to cultivate a business mentality. People expect you to be available and want to read all about your lifestyle, where you live etc. I keep telling her that’s the way life is these days.’
I ask him if he would like an idea of cost but to my surprise he waves that suggestion away and shortly after he thanks me and goes in search of the lady herself. Bella comes across to talk to me.
‘Jack spoke to him about you, yesterday. You don’t recognise him at all?’
‘No, who is he?’
‘Andy McColl, the lead singer with Outdated Machinery. Don’t tell me you didn’t know that Sam played the drums with Andy way back before his uni days?’
I shake my head. There’s a lot I don’t know about Sam.
‘Money isn’t an issue for him, trust me. He’ll do anything to keep Shellie happy as she’s his muse. Is Sam still sleeping?’
‘Yes, he hasn’t stirred.’
‘People are starting to pack up and it will soon be down to just the core group again. Maybe have a quiet evening here, poolside. I’ll arrange for a table and chairs to be set up and when you are ready text me and I’ll have a meal brought over. Tomorrow is another day and Jack is planning a coach trip for us all to Monaco. We’re visiting the casino.’
My smile fades. ‘I have a meeting in Nîmes tomorrow. Sam was going to drive me there. I think it’s better if I head off on my own as it’s partly a business meeting, anyway. Would it be too much to ask you to keep an eye on him for me?’
‘Jack won’t leave his side, I can assure you, if he knows you’re not around. I’ll do my usual standing back and only poke my nose in when I can see it’s needed.’
I lean in and give her a warm hug.
‘You are a very special person, Bella. There aren’t many people I instantly gel with but you are one of them. I really can’t thank you enough.’
‘Well, it’s nice to have someone normal around for a change. Some of our guests have big egos and get upset if they feel I’m neglecting them. I’m sort of like the housekeeper-cum-mum-cum-confessor at times. Now off you go, Sam is probably waiting for you.’
I turn and leave the stragglers packing up their things as the group quickly thins out. I look up and notice the shutters in Sam’s room have been opened and that makes me hurry up.
‘Are you okay?’ I call out as I walk into Sam’s bedroom, just as he’s turning off the shower.
‘I’m good, I’ll be out in a second.’
With a towel wrapped around his waist and his damp hair standing up in tiny spikes, he looks refreshed.
‘Bella suggests we don’t go to the main house for dinner this evening and she’s going to get a small table set up for us down by the pool. We just need to text when we’re ready to eat. Are you hungry?’
‘I am, actually. But first I need a hug and then I need a drink.’
He wraps his arms around me and swings me playfully from side to side. My anxiety begins to dissolve.
‘I want to tell you everything, but I need a little alcohol first,’ he adds, nestling his face into my hair. ‘You smell so good. I guess you passed on the hot tub and the pool. Don’t tell me, you’ve been sitting around worrying about me most of the day?’
I pull away. ‘Pretty much.’
‘I have to admit that my head is in a bit of a turmoil and I’m not sure how I’m going to feel once it all sinks in. Harry and I both said the things we never thought we’d say to one another. But I got through it and all I needed was a little rest to put me back on my feet. I’m not falling into a depression like I did in the very beginning, so stop worrying.’
I let out a sigh of relief. ‘I’ll fetch some alcohol. I’m not going to change in case we decide to use the pool later.’
He nods and then heads back into the bathroom to finish drying off.
*
The empty plates in front of us are a testament to the standard of the cuisine. I didn’t even realise I was hungry after expending all that nervous energy and I suspect that Sam was much the same.
The bottle of champagne Bella insisted I bring back with me is already half empty and when two waitresses appear to clear the table they bring another one in a second ice bucket.
‘Is Bella trying to get us drunk?’ Sam enquires of me, after the waitresses have departed.
‘I bet this stuff costs the best part of a hundred pounds, or more, a bottle. It slips down easily, I will admit, but the Prosecco I buy from my local off-licence at a fraction of the cost is, to my taste buds, on a par. Maybe I wasn’t destined to have expensive tastes.’
Sam looks across at me in the fading light, the candle on the table between us sending out little flickers and the odd puff of smoke.
‘I’m very glad to hear that. Thank you for today, Anna, for being patient and for caring. It means a lot.’
‘My pleasure, Sam. And now, I want you to do me a favour in return tomorrow. Jack is organising a trip to the casino in Monaco. I must go and meet Tom, not just to return the box but to walk him through the new website. If I can get his agreement we can make it live, there and then, but it will take an hour or so at least. I’ll leave early and I promise to be here waiting for you when the coach returns.’
He opens his mouth to argue with me, but I put up a hand.
‘I did you a favour today, so you owe me one in return.’
He isn’t happy but that passes as I encourage him to tell me a little more about Harry, how they met and how Isla came into his life.
Sam talks for a while, then suddenly he lifts his head to look directly at me, scanning my face. I know that something is about to happen. He’s going to cross a line and he knows there is no going back.
‘The guilt will never leave me, Anna, because I should have been able to save Isla and I can never forgive myself for what happened. She wasn’t a heavy drinker, it wasn’t her style. As soon as I saw the state she was in I should have known something was wrong. I simply assumed she was drunk and I took her home in a taxi because I’d been drinking, too. I put her to bed to sleep it off, not realising there were drugs in her system. If I’d been sober that night—’ His voice trails off and I wait until he’s able to continue.
‘When I woke up the next morning she was still lying next to me, in the exact same position, but when I reached out her body was cold to the touch.
I ran from the room out into the street, a scream caught in my throat as I was unable to comprehend that it was already too late. I re-live that moment often in my nightmares. Why didn’t I check her breathing, or her pulse? There might have been time to get her to hospital. It was my fault and I let her down when she needed me the most.’ A sob rises in his throat and his voice ends in a whisper.
As tears start to fill my eyes, they spill over, rolling down my cheeks and I swipe them away with the edge of my sleeve. My heart constricts for Sam’s pain: a pain that he has lived with for seven long years and the reality of what happened was more horrific than I could ever have imagined.
‘If I can’t learn to live my life without constant regret, then the future is always going to be uncertain. What if nothing ever changes for me?’
A Very Different Sort of Guy
I creep out, leaving Sam fast asleep but having pangs of guilt. Last night was such a waste. We drank too much and when we eventually both dropped down onto the bed the passion was there, but our heads were spinning. It would have been meaningless, maybe even unsuccessful and disappointing. We both knew that, so we stripped off and lay in each other’s arms for comfort.
It’s a two and a half hour drive to Nîmes and I punch in the address Tom gave me, glad that the satnav will take me straight to the door. I’m in no mood when I set off at 6 a.m. to fuss over which is the quickest route. Once I’m on the A7 I can relax and begin clocking up the kilometres.
Why didn’t Sam tell me he spent the night in bed sleeping next to his dead girlfriend? He told me that Harry confirmed Isla knew their relationship had run its course and the two of them were already arguing about a lot of things. Drug taking, though, was something she hadn’t shared with Sam. So, it was just one of those lust at first sight, quick fizzle things that loses its sparkle very quickly. That’s another thing he never mentioned to me. I really believed that when she died he was deeply in love with her.