Finding YOU Finding ME (You & Me Trilogy Book 2)

by Kailin Gow

  Gail looked over at Collins and said, “I wished I could have told you earlier, but I’m under client/patient privileges and I can’t divulge any of this as well as the fact that I knew Collins until I’ve gotten permission. You see… I’ve been Collins’ psychiatrist for years, even before I stopped being in private practice and opened Sawyer House. He’s one of my longest clients.” She smiled and looked affectionately at Collins. “One of my celebrity clients I had when I had an office in Beverly Hills. Now all my time is at Sawyer House, except for Collins, who retained me and set me up nicely here near his offices.”

  I looked incredulously over at Collins and then at Gail. Why didn’t Collins tell me that?

  “I know Collins had started calling Sawyer House as a caller a while back when he couldn’t get a hold of me and thought I was there. He was going through a challenge, a new situation, and needed to talk to someone fast about it. I wasn’t there so he found himself assuming a name so that he can talk to one of the peer counselors. Well…when I called Collins back, he told me that he didn’t need to talk to me, but that he thinks he can handle this new challenge on his own, and if he needed some help, he’s found one of the counselors to be very helpful.” Gail smiled then. “Of course, I knew it was you, Sam.”

  “You did?” I asked. “But, I didn’t know Collins was actually…”

  “I know, Sam. I know all about it. Collins didn’t realized Susan was you either at first, and vice versa so…the rule at Sawyer House about a peer counselor seeing one of the callers, well, in your case, it seems you didn’t know about each other’s true identity, and besides, you were already seeing each other before the call. If it wasn’t for those circumstances, Sam and Collins, I wouldn’t allow for you two to get together. It would compromise Sawyer House’s position. But, as it was a completely different case, and I know Collins’ history, and I sorta have a hint of yours, Sam (Derek filled me in with everything he knew because he was concerned with what happened the first time you had a breakdown), this is different.”

  I nodded as my slight panic subsided. I was not here because I was in trouble with Gail or Sawyer House for having had a relationship with Collins outside of Sawyer House. I was not going to lose my position there. And Collins…the fact that he knew Gail, but in a very discreet way since she was his psychiatrist or therapist, although I was hurt he never told me about Gail, I could understand why. “I’m sorry,” I said. “If I had done anything that would have jeopardized Sawyer House’s reputation…I…”

  “Don’t apologize, Sam,” Gail said. “It’s an interesting case, and frankly, I’m very fond of both of you that I think something like this can be overlooked. But as I said, you and Collins are unique circumstances, that falls outside of our usual rules. Collins has even assured me that he is no longer calling as the caller, and will be handling his challenges openly and directly with the person he has those challenges with.” She looked directly into my eyes when she said “person” and the enormity of that sank in. My heart did a flip at that moment, and I felt my ears burning. I was that person Collins was going to openly and honestly work with to overcome his challenges.

  I looked over at Collins, and I can see the fear, the uncertainty in his eyes. My heart went out to his then. Daggers. My Daggers have come out clean. He was trying so hard to overcome his past…even bringing me here to meet with Gail right now. How can I say “no” to helping him?

  I turned to Collins and took his hand, rubbing my thumb over his palm, trying to soothe him, trying to reassure him. Despite his stoic expression, I can feel his hand shake slightly. I knew him so well. I knew he was scared. Scared to take this step. The only way he could have a relationship with a woman was a physical one. If there was going to be anything beyond that, it would come with some conditions. In Collins’ past, those conditions have always been harsh and abusive. When he reached out to me at Sawyer House, under the guise of someone else, I’ve learned so much about the abuse he’d faced with women in the past, starting at age thirteen when his mother prostituted him to older women to get money for her drug habit, then when he ran away and began living on the streets, he said he did things he wasn’t proud of. Then came the so-called loving relationships he’d had with women who would only abuse him through their words and then physically. And the tapes…

  I should run. I should turn around and leave. What was an innocent virginal Pastor’s daughter with a traumatic past of my own doing with someone so worldly, so damaged as Collins McGregor? How can I help someone like him? How? What can I do?

  “Sam and Collins,” Gail said. “I see both of you hesitating about this, but I’ll let you know as honestly as I can, not only as a therapist, but also as a friend of you both, I think, despite the outside differences you have, you two are very similar. You two happen to care for one another very much, too. The time you’ve spent away from each other didn’t diminish your feelings for each other, but it seems as though it brought you two closer. Sam, you’ve seen a part of Collins that he was terrified to show you, scared that you’ll run. But you haven’t. He’s laid out everything about him for you, Sam, including the most intimate of all secrets…his past, his shame, and everything. He’s given you a choice to run or to accept him as who he is, Sam.”

  Gail took a deep breath and sat down at her desk, looking down at her hands. “I was so sure you’d take the million dollars and high-tail it out to Stanford, where you can start all over, but…” she paused. “You didn’t. You surprised us all, Sam. Despite how much you have set your heart on going to Stanford, you chose this. You chose not to run away. Do you know why?”

  I looked at Collins’ hands, which I was holding tightly. His beautiful blue eyes looked intensely at mine, intense, but soft, and full of love. There was no question about it. I loved this man. And I would do whatever it takes to help him overcome his demons. Anything.

  “I stayed,” I said, looking from Collins to Gail and back to Collins, “because I love Collins, and I’d do anything to help him.”

  Gail smiled a secret smile that reminded me of Mona Lisa. “That’s what I suspected,” she said. “And of course, from everything I know of you, Sam, Collins couldn’t have fallen in love with anyone more perfect for him than you.”

  Collins spoke up then after being silent the entire time. “But will Sam be alright through all this?” he asked. “Will it be too much for her…all my needs and…”

  “It’s up to Sam,” Gail said. “She’s her own person, and she’s an adult. She may have had something traumatic that happened to her that she’s working through herself, but it isn’t her fault, and she is and will be strong enough to overcome it.”

  “But my needs are so intense, and she’s still so vulnerable, young, and innocent,” Collins said. “I don’t care about my therapy as much as it is to help her, Gail. Will her being with me cause her any harm?”

  “I don’t think you can hurt her, Collins,” Gail said. “You have issues, but you’re not a monster, Collins. You can never hurt the woman you love.”

  “But I’m not normal,” Collins said. “I’m a deviant, I…”

  Gail stood up and walked over to us, turning Collins to face her. “No, you are not a deviant, Collins. You are normal. You have some hiccups along the way to being just like everyone else, but every experience you’ve had, good or bad, has shaped you into the sensitive, strong, resilient, and caring man that you are today.”

  “Will you help us?” Collins asked with tears in his eyes. “Will you help me be the man worthy of Sam’s love?”

  “I’ll try to step in whenever you need me,” Gail said. “But the most important person you should be discussing your relationship with is the woman you want to be with…Sam, and for her to be open and honest with you, too. For your relationship to work, you have to let each other know your boundaries and expectations. You’ll have to learn to trust each other. Both of you have issues in the past that will come up and become barriers for you to overcome, but fate or destiny has th
rown you two together. I have a hunch if you love each other enough, you’ll overcome those barriers, and you’ll do it together.”

  Collins pulled Gail into his chest for a big bear hug then. His cheeks were wet with tears, and he was telling her, that he thought everything was so hopeless a few months ago when he left for Europe and left me behind, that he thought he would never find love or be able to have a normal relationship. But now, he’s never been so happy for this chance. “And I will do everything I can,” he said to me, pulling me in for the group hug, “to keep you.”

  Chapter 7

  We had dinner afterwards. Collins, Gail, and I in a restaurant nearby where we had our own private room. It felt strange having Gail, whom I saw as my mentor at Sawyer House, act as my therapist, too, or rather, Collins’ therapist. I felt self-conscious at first around her, knowing what she knew about Collins and me, and also what she knew about us. Collins had told her about our incredibly hot ride up the elevator to her office and how I had reached an orgasm. My face was flaming red when she nodded, pleased with what he was telling her.

  “That’s amazing progress,” she said to Collins and to me. “You’re so close to being comfortable with your intimacy.” She looked very pleased. “Given your past, Collins, I would say you have made enormous progress to get to this point.”

  “I was tempted,” Collins said. “A couple of times, but with Sam/Susan, I tried to stay in control.”

  Mortified, I kept staring down at my hands. I wasn’t used to discussing my sex life in front of people, let alone my boss. But Gail was different. She wasn’t just my boss, but a highly-trained respected psychiatrist. “Good, good,” Gail said. “Sam, for you to reach the point of orgasm that you did, for you to get beyond your fears of intimacy and touch, you’ve come a long ways as well.”

  “All I wanted to do was to be there for him,” I said. “I didn’t even think of myself. I was focused on him, and with that, I wasn’t afraid.”

  “Well, that’s what I thought would happen, only you’ve pushed through that fear very quickly. And in the heat of the moment,” Gail said. “What I wish for both of you is to be able to have that and more, all the time, in the heat of the moment and in any normal situation.” Gail took out a sheet of paper and began writing. “Look, I know you both want to speed this along, and I would love for you to, but we really have to take it one step at a time so it’s not too much and you end up regressing…which could be worse.”

  Collins took a sip of water and calmly said, “What do you suggest we do?”

  “Don’t live together for now. I know you want to have Sam live with you, like before, but that’s a bit soon. She needs to have a place of her own. You need to have that boundary.”

  I spoke up, realizing this is what I wanted all along. “I was planning on moving out of my parents’ place and getting a place, an apartment of my own near UC Irvine’s campus.”

  “I’ll help you find one,” Collins said, without skipping a beat.

  “There you go,” Gail said, pleased with how easily Collins and I agreed with what she suggested.

  Later on, when Collins left to go take a phone call, leaving Gail and I alone at the table, Gail took my hands in hers and squeezed it. “Sam,” she said. “I know everyone is expecting me to tell you to back off from this relationship with a man like Collins. I know how much your father will disapprove of the advice I’m giving you. I know all the parents in the world will be saying that I should tell you to stay a virgin, be chaste and all that. But I’m not the moral police, and I’m not here to tell you to remain a virgin or to stay a “good girl” whatever that means or to be wary of guys like Collins. You know all that already, and you don’t need me to tell you any of it. What I’m telling you is advice from experience with the choices you’ve already made. You’ve made the choice to see and be with Collins, to have a relationship with him, and him with you. You’re young, but you’re also an adult so I can’t shelter you. I can arm you with advice to help you make grown-up decisions and to help you have the most satisfying and happy relationship you can with the person you choose to be with.”

  She smiled, still clasping my hands in hers. “I know it was shocking to see me in this role, as Collins McGregor’s therapist. Normally you wouldn’t even know, except he gave me permission to tell you and to bring you into his sessions with me. He’s also asked me to work with you.” She became very gentle as she said, “I know you’re carrying a big burden, a big guilt right now that stems from something in your past, and it can get in the way of you having a fulfilling relationship. It can even get to the point where you’re so debilitated from functioning that you shut down.”

  “I was…I was, that one time when Derek found me, I was going through so much,” I said.

  “Yes, you were, but it was also because of something triggered by Collins or by something Collins represent. Fear of intimacy, some kind of shame, guilt…am I right, Sam?”

  I thought back to just today at Sawyer House. I had felt this panic, the sudden tightening in my stomach, the dread and then the fear earlier today. It wasn’t just the training gone wrong of the prank trainer/stalker Billy, if that was his name. It was the name Billy, whom I have such a strongly negative association, it generated a sickly physical response in me, just hearing his name. Obviously, despite my training as a peer counselor, despite how much I knew about psychology, I still was not over the Billy incident from when I was thirteen or fourteen and harassed so badly by a bully that I was nearly raped by him.

  But that wasn’t all. It was the way everyone treated me afterwards that forever made me feel damaged, dirty, and unworthy so much so that I’ve spent my entire life afterwards, working hard to try to win everyone’s acceptance again. I worked so hard to be the good girl, to be the perfect daughter, and to be what everyone expected of me…in the end, or at least right now in the present, what I realized was that all that didn’t matter. It’s the one who stick with you through thick and thin who matter, and that had been people like Gail, Derek, and Collins.

  I finally answered Gail back. “Yes,” I said. “It was, it is. And you’re right. I can’t do this alone.”

  Gail’s hand squeezed mine again. “You’re not, Sam. You’re never alone. I know you have issues of your own that you haven’t dealt with…if you need to talk about that, feel free to just come into my office, and we can.”

  “Thanks,” I said, trying not to think about my issues. “I’ll take you up on your offer for sure.”

  Chapter 8

  The next couple of days, I began packing, ready to move out of the cozy cottage-style Newport Beach house I’ve lived in for the past four years since we’ve moved to the Orange Coast of Southern California. Originally a run-down fixer upper older cottage beach house on the cliff with a view of the ocean, my parents had lovingly remodeled it to the sweet little cottage house with a white picket fence that it now was.

  Although I loved the house, I couldn’t live there any longer knowing how my father felt about me, with me finding out that I was not his child after all, but some result of an one-night stand my mother had when she was barely twenty, fresh from the wild country of Texas, with hopes and dreams of making it in Hollywood…only to be knocked up by the first gorgeous guy who showed her attention and was nice to her - my so-called real dad who probably didn’t even know that I existed. And the man who I thought was my father, the boy who became a pastor and married the seemingly innocent pretty girl from Texas, the man whom I grew up with, practically avoided me and my mother the last couple of months since I found out.

  He wasn’t here this Saturday morning as he was at church preparing for a Spring retreat. For married couples, go figure. As much of a mess that was our family life at home with my parents’ impending divorce and my mother’s drinking problem, which she swore she was managing because of her AA classes, what never failed about them, about us, was the perfect façade we managed to put out there for the congregation. We were always on our best behavior w
hen we were at my father’s church – the handsome charismatic pastor with his beautiful wife and daughters. Mom ran events and put together ladies’ socials including book clubs, while I played the piano during sermons or helped out at the youth center with Pastor Michael, a young handsome pastor fresh from missionary trips to Asia and South America.

  For all it’s worth, despite the hot mess at my parent’s home (funny how I refer to this cottage house I’ve lived in for years as their home now instead of mine), I somehow did not walk away from it all, as I had originally planned months ago before meeting Collins. Instead of packing to move upper north to Stanford, I remained in town, opting to go to our local, but nationally highly-acclaimed University of California school.

  “I don’t see why you can’t just commute,” Mother poked her head through my bedroom door. “You’re welcome to stay, and you can save on rent that way.”

  “Mom,” I said. “We’ve been over this how many times?” I packed the rest of my books away in boxes, which seemed to be way more than the boxes I had for my clothes, and began labeling them and categorizing them.

  “Golly, Sam, the way you go about marking up those boxes…you remind me of an accountant rather than some young woman about to go off on her adventure after graduating from high school…”

  “Well, if I don’t mark these boxes it’ll never get done, and besides, I don’t want to have to dig through each one to find something I need just because I didn’t label them right.” I turned around, “And graduation isn’t official here until next week. Then you can have all this weepy mother-daughter send off. Not right now…” I smiled. Mom have always been the younger one of us, and from looking at both of us, you’d think she was only a few years older, having had me when she was only twenty.

  “I’m going to miss you moving away, Baby,” Mom said.