She pulled her light sweater tight around her chest. “Yes, my priorities were a mess. It was not me they were helping. It was you and our daughter.”
“You were her mother. That made you family. So don’t act like we pushed you out.”
Lowering her head, Charlotte rubbed her temple. “I’m not.” She looked back at him. “Adrian, you don’t understand what it’s like to be alone in the world, where everything is temporary, even your parents’ affection. I couldn’t comprehend your family and their unconditional love. I didn’t see how I’d fit into that circle. I was an outsider. That was all I knew.” She wiped at a few tears that managed to spill over. “I didn’t come here to fight or make excuses. I did mess up. I’m not here to claim myself as her mother. I know I deserve your anger.”
He wasn’t moved.
She held an envelope out for him. He didn’t blink. His hard gaze stayed on her. His hands clinched at his sides as he stared her down, not making a move to take the letter.
With a sigh, she finally looked down. A trembling hand laid the light blue envelope on the table edge. “I know I don’t deserve her forgiveness, but I tried to explain what I was going through as a seventeen-year-old and why I thought the best thing for everyone was to leave her with you. I knew you would provide a safe home and love that I couldn’t give. I just want the chance to meet her. I thought she might want to meet her mother.”
“For ten years I’ve been her only parent. I protected her, and loved her, and watched her grow. You are the woman that gave birth to her. Then walked away. That’s all. Why would she want to talk to you?”
“I know I don’t deserve to just waltz back into her life. That’s why I came to you first. I understand, and you have every right to be angry at me. All I’m asking is that you share the letter with her and talk about it. If she has no desire to see me, then that’s fine. I won’t make contact again. The letter is unsealed so you can read it first. My personal information, work numbers and my doctor’s information is in the letter if you want to talk to them first. I won’t be back unless you call me.”
Ugly words screamed for release in his head, but he locked his jaw tight and glared at her. He knew he was reacting like a hotheaded teenage boy, but he couldn’t lock the rage back in its box. She gave him a tentative smile and nodded to Nikki before turning her back to him and disappearing down the stairs.
His nostrils flared with hard breaths. Stomping to the back room, he grabbed the edge of the broken and decaying Sheetrock and yanked with every burning muscle in his body, ripping the dilapidated walls from the raw stone.
The rage he had bottled for ten years pulsed through his veins. He had given up his senior year to be a father. He had walked away from his dream of being a professional bull rider, of traveling. She hadn’t even stayed long enough to see their tiny baby girl home.
Now she walked in with a letter and wanted back into their lives. He reached for the next sheet of drywall and found nothing but exposed limestone. He slammed the rock wall hard, and pain shot through his arms. He turned and looked around the room.
Chunks of broken drywall cluttered the floor. He stood in the midst of destruction. Leaning forward, he pressed his palms to his thighs and tried to get his breathing under control. Counting the hard puffs, he tried to focus.
God, I don’t know what You want from me. He looked at the shambles of the old wall. The level of his anger scared him. He heard a noise and turned to the open door. Nikki stood there. Had she been watching the whole time? Had she seen him lose control?
* * *
Nikki wasn’t sure what to say or if she should have even stayed. He was hurt and probably wanted to be alone, but she was worried he would accidentally hurt himself.
“Well, Mr. Hulk, you got that job done faster than you had said it would take.”
He looked down, his ribs still expanding hard and heavy. “I didn’t damage anything we weren’t taking down.”
“I know. Are you okay? Do you need to talk about it?” Ugh. Did she really suggest he should talk? She hated it when people talked about emotion.
His stare made her feel like a fraud. “Would you let her back in your life?”
“You just got blindsided from the past. I know how difficult that could be, and you got the old walls down in record time without George. I say you don’t pay him.”
He gave her a sad grin that pulled at her stupid heart. “Sounds good to me. But then maybe I’ll pay him extra for cleaning up my mess. He’s done it before.” His gaze swept the room. “What do you think about giving the letter to Mia?”
He wasn’t going to let her change the subject. “My concern would be someone sees Charlotte and tells your daughter that her mother was in town. Hearing that from someone else wouldn’t be good.”
He growled and threw his fist against the rough stone again. He pulled his phone from his shirt pocket, shaking the hand that now had bloody knuckles. He looked at the screen, and his jaw clenched. He said something under his breath. Not a good sign. “What is it?”
Adrian tilted his head back and pinched the bridge of his nose. “George, my mother and both of my sisters have been calling. I’m thinking the gossips have already been to work.” He hit the screen and put the phone to his ear. “George—” Eyes closed, he shook his head. “Yes, she was here. She gave me a letter for Mia and wants to see her.”
Nikki grabbed a clean rag and poured some of her water over it. Without asking permission, she started cleaning his hand. She needed something to do.
He looked at Nikki, the kind of look that went past her walls. She wanted to run, but she planted her feet and focused on the damaged hand.
“Did Mom tell her anything?” he asked his brother.
He pulled his hand free from her. Stepping over the debris, Adrian moved into the other room. He stopped at the table and sighed. “I’ll meet you at Mom and Dad’s for lunch.” Slipping the phone back into his pocket, he looked at the light blue envelope. Something needed to be said, some sort of words strung together to offer encouragement, but she sucked at emotional hoopla.
“So word is already out?” She stood next to him. “Seventeen-year-old girls make mistakes. You said you relied on your faith to get you through. Would that include forgiving her?” Nikki felt as if her own heart was asking for forgiveness.
Adrian took his stare off the unread letter and looked at her. “Right now I’m not sure I’m on good enough terms with God to forgive her.” He started to reach for the letter, but instead made a sharp turn away from it.
Burying his fingers in his thick hair, he braced himself against the new window frame and looked down into the street. “Thank you for tending my hand. That was an immature move on my part.” He looked at the back of his injured hand and flexed his fingers. “What I don’t get was how she could carry Mia for that whole time then turn her back on us. On her daughter.”
He looked at Nikki. The need for answers burned in his eyes. All she could do was shrug. “In her mind, she wasn’t abandoning her baby. She left her with you and your family. Would you have wanted her to be around Mia with the problems she was struggling with at the time?”
“And how do I know she’s better? Maybe she still shouldn’t be around Mia.”
Nikki tried to swallow past the dry clogged mess in her throat. There was no way she could go out with him if he couldn’t forgive Charlotte for leaving their daughter with him. “Open the letter. Contact the people she listed. The doctor, her boss... They have no reason to lie.” She picked up the envelope and walked over to him, holding it out.
His gaze searched hers. Her lungs started burning. She forgot to breathe. She didn’t want to examine the reason his forgiveness for Charlotte mattered so much to her.
He finally took the envelope. “I guess I don’t really have a choice now. She’s here and Mia will know as soo
n as she goes to town.” He pulled one of the old chairs up to the table and planted his elbows on the edge. He dropped the letter and rubbed his forehead.
“What kind of woman leaves her child after giving birth? I don’t want her around my daughter.” With a heavy sigh, he ripped open the envelope. His hand flexed as if he wanted to tear it to shreds. He dropped it and looked up at Nikki. “Her handwriting looks exactly the same on the letter she left at the hospital. I thought I had put this anger behind me. Maybe you can read it out loud?”
Nikki brought a chair over and sat across from him. Tommy hadn’t given her a letter. He just told her to get rid of “it,” and he’d deny it was his if she said anything. Tommy had abandoned his child in every way. Charlotte had left her baby in good hands with someone who she knew would love her and give her a safe home. Would Adrian be able to see that?
“Dear Mia,
I’m not sure what your father has told you, and I’m not sure how to introduce myself. I’m Charlotte Walker. I gave birth to you, and unfortunately was not able to stay and help raise you. It had nothing to do with you. You were perfect. Your father was holding you the first time I saw you. His parents, your grandparents, and his brother were surrounding him. They all wanted to hold the new baby, but he wouldn’t give you up. Till this day, I’ve never seen such love on someone’s face.”
A drop of water fell onto the paper, causing the ink to bleed a little. Nikki looked up and then realized it was a tear, from her. She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes. She glanced at Adrian to see his reaction and was about to apologize, but his head was down. With his elbows planted on his knees, he was staring at the floor.
When he looked up at her, a frown creased his forehead. “Is that it? She ended it there?” He looked confused.
“No.” She took a deep breath. “This is very personal. Are you sure you want me to read it?”
Adrian moved his elbows back to the table, covered his left hand with his right and rested his mouth against them. His eyes closed and he gave a nod, encouraging her to keep going. She wasn’t sure she could. One deep breath, and then she started reading again.
“Mia, I was so messed up. My parents were toxic. So different from the De La Cruz family. I knew your father would love you and provide a safe place to grow up, surrounded by people who would show you how a real family supported and loved each other. I made the decision right there to leave. Maybe a part of me was running in fear of being a mother, but the other part of me was afraid of bringing the poison of my parents into your life. I might be telling you too much, but I was still battling drugs and alcohol. I didn’t have God in my life. Once I found out about you, your father pretty much stayed with me, making sure I stayed clean. I was never sure what he saw in me anyway. He has a very big heart.
My first thought when I gave birth to you was now I could have a drink. That should not have been my desire, and I knew I was being controlled by it. I was so afraid of hurting you, of disappointing Adrian. You were so beautiful and tiny. I didn’t want my drama to contaminate your world, so I left. It took a while for me to figure things out. I finally turned my life over to God.
It has not been easy, but I have been clean for three years now. I have a good job in Kerrville and thought it was time to reach out to you. If you are reading this, then your father has allowed me to be a part of your life. It is up to you. I know I gave up any rights when I left. If you want to talk or meet, your father will get in contact with me. I will be waiting for however long you need.”
Carefully, Nikki folded the letter and put it back in the envelope. She slid the letter across the table and left it for Adrian. “What are you going to do?”
“She set this up so I would have to tell Mia.”
“What do you mean?”
“She could have mailed it, or called me first.” He stood and walked to the window, running his hand through his now-messy hair. “Instead she made it very public by walking right into the hardware store where everyone in town would see her. There’s no way I’d be able to keep this from my daughter. As soon as Mia steps foot in town, someone will tell her that her mother was here, talking to me. She forced my hand. I don’t have a real choice but to give the letter to Mia.”
“What are you afraid will happen? The other night you talked about trusting God. Do you trust Him?”
“But what if He gave her to me, trusting that I’ll protect her? I failed once already, and she has screws and rods in her leg. Now she’s mad at me for keeping her from the horses.” He sat back down and looked at her. “I do trust God, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have responsibilities as her father. My job is to keep the people that will hurt her out of her life.”
“If Charlotte has cleaned up her life, then how will it hurt?”
“She walked out on us once already. Do you know how devastating that was to me? My gut says to keep Charlotte as far from Mia as possible.”
“That’s not your gut. That’s your scars she left when she walked out on you. It was devastating to you, yes. But Mia grew up surrounded by love. You, George, your parents and sisters have always been there for her. From what I’ve seen, she has a whole town that’s given her nothing but love and support. She doesn’t have your memories or the scars that go with them.”
“I don’t want her to have my scars.” He lifted his head and looked her straight in the eyes. His dark gaze burning into her own guilt.
Nikki’s nerves demanded she get up. She wanted to run, but where would she go? What she really wanted was to run from her own past. She needed a cliff to jump off, or a river to battle, but her past was still there, waiting to be dealt with. This was too hard.
Expanding her lungs, she got up and leaned against the door frame. Hands behind her back, she anchored herself by pressing her palms against the warm wood.
Adrian’s gaze went back to the large window. “How do I stop her from getting hurt?”
“Be honest with her.” She glanced up. Yes, God, I realize what I’m saying. “From what I’ve seen, you’ve raised a smart and strong-minded little girl.” Pushing away from the wall, she took a step closer to Adrian. “You know one of the things I remember about you in school?” Sitting in the chair at the corner of the table, she stopped short of reaching for his hand.
His fingertips tapped the wood she had been sanding down. “You knew what you wanted, and you went after it with a fierce determination. Look at the way you tackled fatherhood. You put your dreams aside and went in all the way. You started your own business from nothing. You found a way to get horses back in your life. You made all that happen. And your daughter? She’s just like you.”
He gave her a lopsided grin. “You make me sound heroic. I was just following the path God put in front of me.” He played at the corner of the envelope.
“You can’t control everything in your daughter’s life, but you can control how you handle it. Don’t give her a reason to resent you. Talk to her with an open mind. Tell her how you feel without making it about your anger.” Nikki shrugged. “If given a choice, she might not even want to meet her mother.”
“Don’t call her that.” He lowered his head. “Sorry. I need to get rid of this anger. I know it puts me in a bad place, but how do I let go of her walking out on us?”
“If Mia finds out you tried to keep this from her, that could be a scar you put on her heart. You say you trust God. You have to trust Him with your daughter too.”
He snorted and looked at her with a small spark of humor in his eyes. “That’s not what I want to hear.”
“Opening up and being honest isn’t easy. I know. I also know the truth never goes away, no matter how deep you bury it. It darkens all your joy and contaminates your whole life.”
He tilted his head. “It sounds like you need to talk.” Reaching out, he covered her fidgeting hands. His fingers were warm and slightly r
ough from working his whole life. “You seem to have it together. What’s going on with you?”
“I’m fine. Recently I’ve realized trying not to deal with something doesn’t make it go away. It just silently festers. You need to talk with your daughter. She loves you so much, and I know her loyalty is all yours.”
He leaned back and studied her. “You think I might be worried that I will lose Mia to Charlotte?” He looked more relaxed than earlier.
“I think your daughter has never been upset with you until recently, when you forbade her to get back on a horse. You’ve had her all to yourself for ten years. I don’t think you like to share.”
He actually tilted his head back and laughed. A low rumbling sound deep in his chest. She could listen to that all day. “You might be right on that score. I hate uncertainty. When Charlotte left, I put her out of my thoughts and moved forward with my daughter.” He stood again and ran his hand along the window frame he had been finishing. “I hate the idea that she thinks she can just walk back into my life, say I’m sorry and become Mia’s mother. I’m her parent, the only one she’s needed for ten years.”
“Mia’s a smart girl. She loves you. She’ll make the right choice.”
Rubbing the back of his hand, he looked down. “Why were you gone so long?”
The change of subject with a personal question knocked her back a bit. “What?”
“I understand why you left, but why stay gone so long? I thought you were tight with your father and sisters.” He leaned closer to her. “Why did you stay away for over ten years? Was it something your father did, or your stepmother?”
She didn’t have a problem talking about him and his daughter, but where did she begin even explaining the complicated mess she had created all on her own? A mess she had been too cowardly to face.
Tilting her head back, she studied the white paint chipping and peeling from the designs in the pressed tin. “For a long time, I blamed my father because he was a hard man to talk to. He was stern and kept his emotions out of sight. I knew he loved me, but I couldn’t talk to him about mistakes and...well, he was hard to talk to.” Shifting her gaze to Adrian, she found him studying her as if trying to see past the facade she used to protect herself.
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