by Kimi Flores
“She was a member of the Chumash Indians, so when Dad went to her father to ask for her hand in marriage, he chased Dad off his property with a shotgun.”
“Oh my gosh.” She blinked. “The house he was in front of today? That was her house?”
“Mmhmm,” I agreed. “They’d been caught together a few more times until her father moved the family out of the area. Things weren’t like they are now. He couldn’t just look her up on social media.”
The bench squeaked as she adjusted her legs into a more comfortable position. “How old was this girl for her father to be able to move her away?”
“I think Dad said she was twenty-five, but it was a different time and her sister had just eloped with a man from another country, so their family was, in a sense, living in disgrace. Their culture runs deep within the lives of the tribal members, especially the older men.”
She took it all in. “This all makes so much sense. It’s common for older people who, um, might have certain conditions to be able to tap into memories from years ago and think they’re current events. Especially when they were very impacting experiences.” Her finger tapped her chin as she processed what I had just told her. “Is she the one who made the chandelier in the entry way and is she the reason there are a handful of Indian styled art pieces around the property?”
“Yeah.” I nodded then made my way over to where I could be close to Dad’s window yet not disturb him. “He never wanted to forget her.” Raking my hand through my hair, I lowered my shoulders and head and tried to suppress the scream of rage that was demanding to come out.
Softly, Dani came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her head on my back. As I began to stand tall again, she just tightened her hold till I rested my hands on hers.
“Listen, I’m here no matter what,” she promised. “I love him, too, and I want what's best for him. But don’t forget that I’m here for you also. Whatever you need, we can take this one step at a time. And who knows, maybe I’m wrong. Either way, you aren’t alone.”
She echoed the same words I’d told her countless times. I pressed my hands to hers, holding them against my stomach. I already felt calmer. God, I hope her suspicions were wrong. But having her by my side would make whatever the diagnosis was just a little easier to take.
Chapter Nine
Zachary
“Thank you for making this stop with me, guys,” Dani said casually as we entered Oak Hills senior living center. She made quick eye contact with a man sitting in the lobby, who I assumed was the doctor she’d told me about. Pointing toward an open recreation space she spoke to Dad and me. “Have a seat in the game room. I shouldn’t be too long.”
I hated the reason we were here and that we couldn’t be honest with Dad, but I agreed with Dani that we shouldn’t stress him until we knew exactly what was going on.
Between trying to absorb the information Dani had given me and watching my father lose his shit in front of that crowd, I was dealing with my own personal tsunami. Questions that I couldn’t even comprehend were nearly driving me over a cliff. Dani had assured me there was nothing I could’ve done to avoid this, but I still couldn't help but wonder if I’d ignored important symptoms that could’ve been treated earlier.
Dammit! Where had I failed?
As selfish as it felt, I also wondered if I was strong enough to handle what might be coming next. I guess it didn’t matter. I had to be. Because I was determined to keep Dad in his home and comfortable, where he belonged.
Once again, Dani had become my place of comfort and assurance. Still, it was tough to hear and accept. No adult child welcomed the fact that their parent wouldn’t be able to advise and guide them, either mentally or physically. Hell, at some point, Dad wasn’t even going to be able to understand what was going on around him, let alone steer me in the right direction when I got stuck.
The area Dani had directed us toward was fairly empty, except for a few tables where senior citizens were playing cards. We took a seat and Dad noticed something. “This place is filled with old geezers.”
That cracked me up. Dad would never look at himself as an ‘old’ man, unless it was to his advantage.
“Remember, Dani said this is where she works? It’s a retirement community.” Trying to keep my voice sounding as nonchalant as possible, I reminded myself of his ability to escape and run if he sensed this was a trick. The ‘what could have happened’ scenarios fucking devastated me, but the burden of feeling like I was misleading this man damn near crippled me.
He looked a little confused, then admitted, “Oh yeah. Right.” His expression said he had no idea what I was talking about.
The middle aged man from the lobby who was slightly graying at his temples approached our table. I could tell he was a doctor when I saw his badge clipped to the pocket of his freshly pressed black dress pants. Did he always wear it so low on his body, hoping his aged patients wouldn’t notice it and realize they were being examined like a test subject?
Get a grip, he’s not the enemy.
“Are you gentleman busy?” Thank God his voice wasn't patronizing. It had always been important to me that people treat my dad with the respect he deserved, but in his new fragile stage, that feeling was ten times stronger. He was still the same strong man I loved, damn it, and I wasn’t prepared to accept any other option.
“We’re just waiting for a friend; how can we help you?” I answered casually, hoping my lame acting skills wouldn’t give me away.
Dr. Pratter pointed to the chair closest to Dad. “May I?”
“Please.” Using his cane, Dad stood, like the gentleman he was, and gestured across the table.
I smiled as I flashed back to the many times he’d been the gracious host over the years. Welcoming every stranger as a new friend. God, where was that man hiding and why was life so damn unfair?
Nonchalantly clicking his pen on the tabletop, he said. “I need a little help. You see, I’m trying to coordinate some activities for the residents, but I just can’t recall the names of some of these things.” He held up a file folder. “I haven't had to look at this stuff since grade school. Would you mind helping me out?”
I didn’t give Dad a chance to answer. “Of course. What do you have there?” We needed Dad to take these tests without realizing he was sitting across from a physician.
The doctor put down a series of cards that had basic shapes, numbers, and letters, then more complex geometrical shapes, asking what the name of each was. At first, Dad spit out the answers with no problem, and I tried to trip him up by arguing over a diamond.
I began to breathe a sigh of relief when he got it right. He was still sharp. That had to mean something, right? But after I made him second guess, it was like his brain began to short circuit. I watched in horror as his eyes changed from vibrant and playful to murky and confused.
Dr. Pratter placed a few of the same basic shapes down next to the more complex ones and Dad suddenly had no idea what any of them were. Dr. Pratter gave me a meaningful look, letting me know I’d better prepare myself. I could feel a little voice inside me begging my dad to recognize something. I finally identified with the stories Dani had told me, where a family member would stand by their dying loved one and beg them to not go. I would give anything for my father to prove he was still the strong, healthy, quick thinker I’d grown up with.
Sensing Dad’s frustration, Dr. Pratter swiped up the cards and tried to set him at ease. “Thank you for your help. I get so frustrated when I can’t remember what those are.”
Dad gave a weak smile and nodded. I wondered if he felt the same way, or worse yet, did he even realize what he’d forgotten? Dr. Pratter began to talk about current events and the weather, which altered Dad’s mood once again. Almost immediately, Dad was laughing about the newscaster he’d seen this morning, who’d found a spider on the desk and freaked out when he said to this man he had just met a few minutes ago, “So, Samuel, do you think we’ll have that shipment
of bottles in this week?”
I couldn’t believe my ears. He’d just addressed the doctor as though he was a longtime friend and employee.
I wasn’t the only one who caught that.
Seizing the moment, Dr. Pratter answered, “Oh definitely, but I need to show you something first.” He passed Dad an older issue of one of the wine magazines we subscribed to. The one that had done a featured article on our vineyard a few years back. The cover had a picture of Dad and I carrying large buckets of grapes.
“Wow, look at that old fart on the cover.” He pointed to my picture and chuckled. At first, I thought he was serious. Then he winked at me. Looking at the doctor, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “Have you met my handsome son here?” Reaching over, he took his wrinkled, trembling hand and ruffled my hair like he’d normally done when I had made him proud. He’d always shown his affection with gestures such as this, and I understood the meanings. “Best thing that ever happened to me.”
I wanted to melt into the floor, cry, throw a tantrum. This was not happening.
Why had I agreed to this meeting? I’d spent my entire adult life needing to know the why’s and how's in every situation, but this was the first time I wanted to hide, to climb in my happy bubble and pretend everything was perfect. But for Dad’s sake, I couldn’t do that. He’d taken care of me most of my life, and it was my turn now; no matter how painful our future would be. What was left of it, anyway.
Now I understood why Dani insisted we get Dad out of his usual surroundings to do this. She’d mentioned that any sort of change, whether it was different scenery or something like him getting sick could throw him off kilter.
“He and his brother are quite the handful at times, I’ll tell ya.”
I felt a chill go down my spine. My brother?
He chuckled. “Yeah, caught those two smoking one of my finest cigars out in the field last week.” That was one of the many stories he’d had on repeat, but this was the first time he had ever referred to Josh as my brother.
“Dad, that was Josh and me.” I gripped my shaking hands together under the table.
“I know who it was. I’m the one who caught you boys.” He smirked, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest. “Made them smoke the whole thing until they got sick. Bet they won’t do that again,” he said proudly.
“Dad, Josh is my cousin, not my brother.” For my sake, I needed him to understand the truth. This was going to be a huge struggle for me, I could already see. I had to take myself out of this and do what was best for his sake, not mine. Fuck, this was hard.
He tilted his head and studied me as if his mind was sorting through the information I’d just provided. He pinched his lips together and sat up straighter. “That’s what I said. You boys may as well be brothers with all the shenanigans you pull. I wake up every day and wonder what trouble you’ll find next.”
My head whirled as he spoke in present tense, as if these things had just happened last week and not years ago. His twist of time and facts had almost tricked me into believing his reasoning. God, it would be so easy to go with his logic. Josh and I were like brothers and time had quickly slipped past us, but I couldn’t ignore the reality.
A few stories later, after Dad had shared enough embarrassing memories about the crap Josh and I had done as teens, Dani stepped into the room with an older woman and my whole demeanor changed.
The moment I saw her, my two worlds collided. I had just been sitting here, laughing at the stupid things Josh and I had done, admiring how, no matter what kind of mess I brought home to Dad, he always loved me and taught me to take responsibility and be a man. To be a man, son, you have to learn how to fix what you broke and learn from your mistakes.
Reliving the past had made me long to go back to a home that no longer existed, but seeing this beautiful woman, right here, who had captured my heart and soul, made me want to move forward and consider whether I could have a home with her, a life with her.
But then, these mixed emotions made me wonder what kind of a fucking son was I? Here we were focusing on what was best for my ailing father, and my mind was desperately trying to reach out to the woman who’d become my sacred escape.
Dani left her patient at a table where a few other seniors were playing cards, then she came over to us. “Joel, would you mind partnering up with my friend Philomena for the next round of Canasta? I’m sure she’ll be happy to show you how to play. She used to be a dancer in Hollywood, you know.” Dani winked at Dad.
I had a feeling she might be the lady who listened to the dirty audiobooks Dani had told me about. Without hesitation, Dad stood up, fixed his shirt, grabbed his cane, and strolled over to the table with a big smile on his face.
Taking dad’s vacant seat, Dani grabbed my hand, watching me for a moment. “Are you okay?”
I released a breath that I prayed would take away every raw emotion I was battling. “Yeah, it’s just—that was hard to watch.”
Dr. Pratter spoke next. “It’s never easy to watch our loved ones get older. My father also has Alzheimer’s.”
Fuck. And there was the terminology I never wanted to hear again while referring to Dad. I reminded myself that I had to hear him out. “You can diagnose him just from that conversation?”
“I know this is a rather unusual place to meet for this discussion, but Dani explained your father’s aversion to medical facilities. Usually, we’d be sitting in my office having this conversation.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “I’ve already had a chance to review his history and physical reports as well as the blood tests Dani sent to me. After talking to her about his episodes, seeing the interaction between you and him, and observing his answers to my questions, I’m confident in diagnosing him with dementia and Alzheimer’s. We can of course do an MRI if you have any doubts.”
I swear I could feel the floor shift and sway beneath my chair. Those two words were not foreign to me, but they would now become the dictator to my daily life from this point forward.
All the plans for my father’s future, his involvement in the vineyard that he had built with his own two hands, even the holiday traditions Dad adored, had been dismantled and destroyed in mere seconds. There was nothing sacred or off limits for these demons, casually called dementia and Alzheimer’s. We had just taken our first step toward the longest goodbye in my life.
“Nothing’s changed with him Zachary. He’s the same man he was when we walked in here,” Dani said, reassuringly squeezing my hand. “The only difference is that now we’re aware. The diagnosis is more for our benefit than his. This way, we’ll know what’s going on when he becomes out of sorts.”
I pushed my chair away from the table a bit and leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my thighs. Dani didn’t let go of my hand. “What do I tell him?”
The doctor sat back in his seat. “That’s up to you. The most important thing is that he feels safe and reassured that he isn't alone, whether he's having an episode or not. You might have to make some tough decisions on his behalf soon, and Dani tells me you’re an only child. I’ll be happy to give you an official written diagnosis so you can obtain a power of attorney.”
“That’s not necessary.” I shook my head. “We already did that after he had a minor stroke a few years ago.”
He nodded, then stood up, and we followed his lead. “I’m sorry I didn’t have better news.”
What could I say? It’s okay? It wasn’t fucking okay.
Fortunately, Dani answered. “Thanks for your time, Jonathan. We really appreciate it.”
He patted her shoulder on his way out.
Staring at my father as he laughed and enjoyed a game of cards with his peers, I couldn’t help but disagree with Dani. With one simple diagnosis, everything had changed. At least, it had for me. Sometimes ignorance was bliss. Right now I wanted to be oblivious.
But that wouldn’t help Dad when he needed me.
⁂
“Hey, Uncle Joel. What'cha watchin’?” I hea
rd Josh’s voice coming from the living room.
“Just a little Jeopardy.” That was Dad’s favorite program. He’d watched it religiously since the seventies. “What brings you by, son?”
“Zachary promised me some dinner.” He chuckled. That was Dani’s idea. She’d finally convinced me to talk to Josh about Dad.
Over the next few days after seeing the doctor, Dani stayed close, stepping in to take over when I was overwhelmed. I was grateful she was giving me space to grieve over the news and find my footing.
One of those nights while we were watching the stars, she thanked me for convincing her to tell our friends what had happened in her condo. She talked about how much easier the situation was once she allowed them to help. I remembered the feeling of her soft shoulders molding into my embrace as I kissed her on the head and expressed my pride in her. That was when she pulled back, looked me in the eye, and asked why I was refusing to take my own advice regarding our friends helping me deal with my dad.
She went on to tell me how each and every person who had ever graced Dad’s dinner table had become a part of his family. How they loved him as much as they did me, and I was being selfish and prideful by not giving them the chance to support us through this.
She was absolutely right. I was not alone in this battle, so I took her up on the idea and asked Josh to come over tonight.
“He’s in the kitchen.” I heard Dad say.
I looked over past the entryway and saw Dad sitting on the couch, pointing my way.
As Josh came in, I got that same feeling I used to when I was younger and something bad had happened to me. I’d always run to Dad because he was the only one who could make everything better. Now I was faced with having to tell Josh what was going on and that none of us could make this any better.
Filled with dread, I fought to keep my shit together.
“Hey, man, what’s up?” Josh’s concerned look said I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my affliction.