Breaking Everly

by Jessop, K. L

  “To push me away.”

  “Yes. And when we started arguing I knew it was working and I hated myself even more. It broke my heart to leave you, Adam, and it’s something I’ve never recovered from. Each new day that the sun rose and each night the stars shone felt like kicks to the stomach. I needed it to stop, and when he told me to go and never come back, I went. But even though I left, that escape was never found, and life became worse anyway.”

  “Tell me.”

  “I’ve never felt more alone than when I moved to Milford Haven. I’d walked away from everyone I loved and never told anyone why I had. The desperation in my parent's voice when they asked for answers was clear with every phone call, your voicemails tore me apart like you’d never believe and I somehow had to fight my way through all the darkness I was surrounded in to try to build a new life—a life I never wanted. Anita slowly found her way in through the depths of my trauma, and one night I opened up to her. I thought I would feel free. I thought that by talking to someone that had no connection with anyone back here would help. But it didn’t. If anything, it just made me feel worse because inside my tainted heart and mind it hadn’t changed. I still felt that pain. I still couldn’t breathe, and I’d still lost the man I walked away from. I wanted to forget and by doing that I turned to the bottle and drank myself into oblivion, hoping it would just make everything stop.”

  I’d craved Adam’s comfort so deeply. I’d wanted the love I’d once felt from a man who’d cherished me and made me feel special. I’d wanted that connection I’d had before it was ripped away from me. I’d wanted to replace what Jamie unrightfully stole but I hadn’t been able to: I hadn’t known how. I would cry myself to sleep because, not only did I not have the affection, I would then decide I didn’t want it either. Every emotion inside of me had been twisted and toxic, and with each day that I’d pretended to those around me I was doing ok, inside I’d still been suffocating in the mass of darkness and terrors. I hadn’t realised what rock bottom was until the night Anita found me—the night I broke my parents’ hearts all over again.

  “But it didn’t make it stop?”

  “No,” I whisper as hot tears glass my eyes. “One New Year’s, Anita invited some friends around for a party—a party I never wanted but went along with because it was wrong of me to stop her having fun. Her male friends were nice guys but I still had that fear inside. Men became unpredictable and no amount of baggy clothes I wore to protect myself made me feel any different. I was tired of everything. I was tired of fighting a battle I would constantly lose. I just needed it to stop. So, while they all rang in the New Year in the living room, I was unconscious in my bedroom because I’d taken a drug overdose.”

  “Jesus, Everly. No.” The raw pain in his voice at the closing part of my confession is all it takes to have me buckled over as tears erupt deep from my chest. I still don’t know what had been worse: the look on my parents’ faces when I came around in the hospital or that gut-wrenching feeling I’d had when I realised my plan hadn’t worked—that I was still living in this world and had to face a continuation of the suffering I’d wanted to forget so badly.

  How can one man ruin something inside of you so much, you want to die?

  “I wanted to die, Adam,” I cry.

  His arms are around me in seconds, shielding me as I fall apart once more. I hold on to him, skin-tight, my hand gripping the muscle of his back, giving me the protection and warmth I’ve craved so intensely. My Adam.

  “I tried to stop him. I should have stopped him.”

  “Don’t you dare say that. You hear me? None of this is your fault.” His plea against my ear is a statement that’s enriched with so much emotion. The realism of everything that I’ve expressed, what I’m yet to say and what I should have said all that time ago hits me hard, and as I cry into his securing embrace, each tear that falls chips away more of my shattered heart that’s been imprisoned for so long. His strong arm clasps my waist, his other around my shoulders as I rest my face in the dip of his neck. His fingers lace through my hair and grip the back of my head and he holds me so tight to him that our bodies become one and our hearts reconnect stronger than ever.

  “I’ve got you now, Everly. I’m not letting you go.”

  24

  Adam

  My chest is locked in tight discomfort. My blood is an inferno, my body raging with profound wrath that I have every right to feel. His violent act. What he did. What he’s still doing to my beautiful Everly is catastrophic, repulsive, inhumane... And I swear to any man, woman or god that is listening, if I ever see that vile, twisted piece of fucking filth, I will not be held accountable for the pain I inflict. He was living in my fucking house. I shared years with him, drank beer with him. Got in fucking trouble for him. All the while I had no idea I was breathing the same air as such a repelling creature.

  Never in my life did I expect the turnouts of today be a part of my life. Never did I imagine I would see Everly so vulnerable and broken, speaking those words that ripped my heart out as hers bled out right in front of me. Never in my life have I felt the rawness of that my insides feel now. All this time, all these years and every hour that’s passed, I’ve been closing my eyes at night, broken and bruised, yet she’s been climbing into a bed riddled with nothing but fear and solitude. All the times I’ve loathed her for leaving me, she’s despised herself twice as hard. I wanted the truth, and all she longed to have was her soul cleansed and redemption from another man’s vicious act that tore her world apart.

  I should have been there for her. I should have seen the signs.

  Listening to her disclose the trauma that's kept us apart all this time was gut-wrenching and hard to hear. Each piece of information she divulged felt like my veins were being sliced, one by one, and I was bleeding out. The rawness in my heart and the heaviness in my chest locked to the point I couldn't breathe but I knew I had to sit and listen. I've finally got my answers, only now I wish she’d never given me them.

  I understand now. She was terrified. She was hurting. So, she ran. I get that now, but I can't stand here and say that it doesn't hurt because it still does; it doesn’t change the fact that she couldn't talk to me. She couldn't talk to anyone. Which is wrong. No matter how bad things had got, no matter how badly she’d wanted to end it because she felt shameful, worthless, unloved or in such a dark place it was suffocating her, there was always someone here she could have talked to. I just wish she’d known that at the time.

  As our devastation subsides, and our bodies mould into each other, I hold her tiny frame like my life depends on it, and it does. I will do anything for her. She wouldn’t let me help her then, but there’s not a chance in hell she is doing it alone anymore. I forbid it. She needs people around her that care. She can lean on me.

  “Look at me, Everly.”

  She lifts her head and I cup her jaw. Those chestnut eyes stare back at me, full of so much pain that I can’t bear to see. She’s been through too much. Not only has she had to live with demons that have clouded her heart, but she’s also grieving for her father—a man that I now thank, respect and believe in more than I ever did.

  “If you should ever fall again, let me catch you, okay?”

  She nods.

  “You promise?”

  “Promise.”

  I press my lips to her forehead, moving to kiss her tear-stained cheeks. Even though she has revealed her torment, her eyes are still shaded with a darkness I can’t bear. Her small hand lifts to my face and the tip of her forefinger traces over my skin. No words are spoken, I just watch her intently, letting her take whatever she is needing in this moment as she watches her own movements. She traces over my cheeks, along my jaw, my chin, until she reaches my lips. Chills emerge over my skin, my lower stomach tightens with a need I know I have to contain, and my breathing is ragged. Her chestnut eyes deepen with what I believe is longing but I’m almost too afraid to except that in case I’ve only imagined it. But when the beautiful hues look
up at me, everything becomes clear.

  “Take it away, Adam,” she whispers.

  “What?”

  “All this pain.”

  My stomach swirls with yearning and the fire inside of me ignites. I know what she is asking but at the same time, I’m unsure how to proceed. I don’t want her to do something she may regret and worry she is only doing this because she knows how much I want her.

  “Everly…”

  “Please,” she whispers, her hot, shaky breath now a beat away from my lips. Her proximity, her whole being, everything about this beautiful woman is now suffocating me in a way I can’t even begin to comprehend. I want her, but touching her will be dangerous because I don't think I'll be able to stop, yet I don’t want to push her away. I can’t.

  “I just need to breathe, Adam. I want you to help me breathe.”

  She’s not the only one that needs this, because kissing her and having her body under mine is everything I need in order to survive myself. When our lips connect, her body quakes. I kiss her tentatively as I hold her against me, feeling our hearts beat in unison. Her hands slide around my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair making a river of hot tingles run down my spine. My hands roam delicately over her body, up the sides of her waist, over her breasts and her shoulders, before I slide over her silky hair and down to her back, lifting her around my waist. Her little whimpers are enough to spur me on, kissing her deeply and exploring her neck with butterfly kisses. My body is on fire from the feel of her around me, my erection pressing against the fly of my jeans. I won’t make love to her yet: she needs my trust and security and I’ll do whatever it takes to make her feel that first. I walk us to the bed, lowering her down to the mattress. Her hand moves behind her and her other rests against my chest, preventing me from moving her onto her back. Once I remove my shirt, I’m right back, keeping the connection between us. I lace my fingers through her hair, pressing my lips to the sensitive spot behind her ear that I know makes her breathless. Her hot breath penetrates against my bare skin, and when her hand moves over my heart, I know she can feel exactly what she’s doing to me.

  “Adam, your heart is racing.”

  “You have no idea how much I want you,” I breathe, kissing her like her touch is what I need in order to survive. Even though I’m in control, I follow her lead, not wanting to rush her. I kiss along her jaw, stroking my fingertips at the nape of her neck in reassurance as my other hand glides down her front to the hem of her shirt. The tips of my fingers stroke along her bare skin, asking for permission, and when she lifts her arms, it’s all I need to go ahead and remove her shirt. Her perfect breasts are covered in a thin, black bra. Her flat stomach dips in and out with the desire that is racing her body. When I look up to find her watching me and notice the hint of pink in her cheeks, I cave.

  Jesus, I’ve really fucking missed this woman.

  “My beautiful girl,” I whisper. I slip the strap of her bra off her shoulder, placing wet kisses along her collarbone, but it’s when I cup her breast and run my thumb over the thin fabric, feeling her hard nipple under my touch, I stop.

  Lifting my head, I find her eyes. “Everly, you’re shaking, baby.”

  “I'm scared, Adam,” she whispers as her eyes glass.

  “Of me?”

  “Of this feeling I've not felt in years.”

  My heart clenches with her admission. I cup her cheeks, telling her with my gaze the same words my lips speak. “I've got you, precious.”

  Her eyes dance over my features, searching for whatever acceptance she needs before she nods. This time her mouth finds mine and a soft, single kiss whispers against my lips. Her breathless kisses paint over my skin, my jaw, my neck, over my torso, awakening every pore with her tantalising trace. A low groan rumbles from deep within me as she caresses my body in the most delicate way, like a flower dusting over skin. I’m the one that should be making her feel this way. She’s the one that needs this type of touch, this reassurance and intimacy, letting her know how beautiful she is and washing away the hurt she’s constantly surrounded by, yet here she is making me feel these things with her butterfly caress. Lifting her chin, I reunite our mouths, dancing my tongue with hers and pulling her closer towards me, but even then, it’s not enough. When her hands slip down my waist and reach the fly of my jeans, I hold back the groan. I ache for every part of her, but I’m not ready. I need to control this extreme, overwhelming craving that is raging through me. It’s been so long and what I want more than ever right now is to make love to her in a way that will set her mind free and her soul on fire. Moving her hands away, I kiss her fingertips.

  “This isn’t about me, Ev,” I whisper. “I want you—you know I do—but right now, all of this is about you.” I rest her hands on my shoulders and unclasp her bra. Her breathing hitches as her perfect, soft breasts become exposed, but my eyes never leave hers. “You shall be cherished. You shall be worshiped. You will be set free.” I run my thumb over her lips. “I will do that, Everly. I will make you feel everything you’ve lost and everything you need in order to revive. Just breathe, baby.”

  Lowering her down to the mattress, I kiss every part of her upper body, cupping her breast and circling my thumb over her hard nipple before covering it with my mouth. Her back arches, a little moan leaves her throat and my chest squeezes with how beautiful it sounds. Her breathing is hot and rapid, her muscles relaxing with every second my mouth and tongue caress her body. My heart is racing so hard with every press of her hands; I swear she can hear it. I kiss a path down her stomach, and when I hook my fingers in the waistband of her trousers, our eyes connect, chests rising and falling with the sweet temptation between us. She consents to what I’m silently asking, and I remove them, taking her underwear at the same time and revealing her to me fully.

  My God.

  “Jesus, Everly. You really are fucking beautiful.”

  I stand to admire her, taking a moment to collect my thoughts as I memorise every inch of her laid bare and beautiful before me. But it’s not easy, because the more I look at her, the more those haunts invade my mind. My fists ball at my side and my jaw clenches in anger. How could he do this to her? How could he damage her like he has? My girl.

  “Adam?” her soft voice shudders through my internal visions. She’s anxious, her body on high alert.

  “Everly, if, at any time, you don’t want this—”

  “I know,” she holds out her hand for me to reconnect. “I want this, Adam. I want you. Come back to me.”

  Removing the rest of my clothes, I cover her frame with mine. Once our bare skin connects, our bodies aflame, every part of me relaxes in a way I never knew it needed to. Our kiss is deep and passionate as my hands roam, touch and stroke her body while she rediscovers mine. She inhales sharply when I reach between her thighs and her body comes alive under my touch when I make love to her with my fingers as every part of me aches for her in a way I never thought was possible. My heart, my soul, this burning desire, it’s overpowering, and beautiful yet loaded with so much sorrow when I see a silent tear slip down her temple. Kissing it away, I whisper in her ear that she is safe. I watch, kiss and caress her, just like our first time when we were teenagers—when we’d been young and naive and living our teenage dream. I’d made her mine then, and now is no different. I won't let her walk away from me again. She is mine and I'll protect her with every breath my life shall give. My Everly. My beautiful, broken, Everly.

  Her grip on the nape of my neck tightens when her body falls apart, crying my name as she crashes around me. Resting my forehead on hers, our eyes lock and I know she feels it, too. This long-awaited moment that has awoken our hearts that are on the brink of crumbling in a whole new way.

  When I enter her slowly, our bodies tremble with liberation. My eyes close. The feel of her around me is intoxicating, the void that's entangled my heart slowly unbinding. Taking her hands at either side of her head, I lace our fingers together and gently rock our bodies as our mouths colli
de. Devouring every moment. Savouring every second as we make love. It's intimate, it's moving… it's everything. This can’t be rushed, yet at the same time, I have to control myself because I want nothing more than to take her the way that I'm needing to. I want to show her just how much I've longed for her, time and time again. I want to make her feel with each and every push and pull. I want her to feel every single thing that she's done to me, but I can't. My beautiful Everly hasn't just been hurting: she’s been trapped in a world of nothing but fear, solitude and regret, trying to desperately claim back what that vile creature brutally took. All this time, she's been silenced, and all this time it's shattered our world apart when I should have been there for her. I want her to feel nothing but safety and that she is cherished, wanted and loved. I want her to feel so many things that have been ripped from her since that time in her life she’s desperate to forget. And I will make her feel again. I will make her feel every one of those things because as our bodies blend together, our hearts beat in unison and our passion kindles us greater than ever.

  It doesn’t matter how many years have passed because even after all this time and all the secrets, I still love her.

  25

  Everly

  I stir from my peaceful slumber and my insides flood with heat when I feel Adam against my skin. My body is both exhausted and humming with everything that has happened in the last few hours. It’s crazy how so much time can pass yet those feelings—the ones that have been in the shadows for too long—come back and hit you full force reminding you of just how much you really meant to that person, what you meant to each other. It’s surreal how revealing your deepest, darkest secrets, the things that haunt even your nightmares, can ignite that spark between you, bringing you both to light when you least expect it.