Within

by Rachel Rae

  “What the hell do you think you're about to do? You think what you about to do is gon’ solve yo problems?”

  I stayed quiet, trying not to give Akira any energy, but it seemed the more I ignored her, the louder she became. I took in three big breaths attempting to center myself. It seemed to be working, but I knew it wouldn't hold her too long. Quickly, I opened the bag that held my things and reached for the pill bottle, shaking two into my hand.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, softly walking up to the help desk. “Is there a water fountain or something nearby?”

  “Go straight; make a left by the gift shop and you'll see it on your right.” She smiled.

  “Thank you.”

  I sped walked to the fountain and as soon as I got there, I popped the pills and drank some water.

  “You can't contain me for long,” I heard the voice say silently. It got lower and lower, until it was no longer there. I hate to admit it, but Akira was probably right, I can feel her getting stronger, the one moment I forget to take that pill. I took another sip of water and then rushed back to my things.

  “Excuse me ma'am, but did you see someone take my stuff?” The receptionist just smiled at me and pointed outside. I told her thank you once more, and headed in the direction she pointed.

  Aunt Courtney was standing by the passenger side, while my daddy was putting my bags in the car.

  “Why is he here?”

  “I'm here, because I'm learning to be supportive. I didn't give you a chance when your illness began to show, and I'm sorry for that. When you spoke about forgiveness; it made me think, maybe I should start from the beginning myself.”

  “Forgiveness from whom?” I asked, confused.

  I sat in the car as my father and aunt begin to tell me a long story about what Grandma had done to me, when I was just a baby. My mind wandered off, thinking maybe if I focused long and hard enough, I could remember or recollect what they were telling me, but I got nothing.

  “So y'all want us to forgive someone that tried to roast me, someone that I don't even know?” I asked, breaking my silence.

  “No Krystle, this will be my forgiveness, something I have to do. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.”

  “I don't plan on it,” I said, sucking my teeth.

  “All I'm saying is you've helped me realize some things and… Look, what kind of example am I setting as your dad, if I can't do the same thing you're doing?” he asked, parking the car.

  We got out and headed inside The Hamptons assisted living facilities; it reminded me of a nursing home, but with the people being more mobile. When we got to her room we knocked, but it meant nothing, because Aunt Courtney opened the door with a key anyway.

  She was sitting in an older cloth recliner, looking out a window when we walked in.

  “Hey Ma, I brought you some company.”

  “You stopped coming by, so I assume you've been busy,” she said, slightly rocking back and forth, still looking out the window.

  “Yeah a bit, did you hear what I said though? I brought some people to see you,” Aunt Courtney said, walking a little closer.

  “I heard you the first time gal, I haven't even put on my wig.”

  “It's alright, Ma, you don't need it,” Aunt Courtney said, smiling slightly.

  “If she wants to put on her wig, she can,” my dad spoke, taking a couple of steps up, now standing beside his sister.

  “Tony?” she asked, turning her attention towards him.

  He didn't respond; he just kept quiet as she stared at him as if she'd seen a ghost.

  “Umm, this is Krystle your grand…” he began motioning towards me.

  “I know exactly who she is; I never forget my blood right, Courtney? We never forget our flesh. What you bring her here for? Oh… I know,” she said, standing and walking slowly up to me. “What you going through gal is deeper than what you think, it started before you can even remember, and I blame these two right here.”

  We stood eye-to-eye, until I began to feel weird and start to fidget. The story I was told in the car frightened and pissed me off all at once.

  “Lift your head, gal, what you ashamed of, being like me? I ain't ashamed and I can't help for what God made me. Why should you?”

  I did what she asked and looked her dead in the face, while tears filled my eyes.

  “Wipe that shit away, do you identify as crazy? If you don't then adapt, you have to learn how to channel certain things, nothing happens unless you allow it!” she said, poking me in my chest. “Play the got damn hand you were dealt and stop being a bitch about it!”

  “That's enough; don't talk to her like that!” Aunt Courtney yelled, taking a few more steps closer.

  She ignored her request and continued to talk. “Deal with it, you ain't no basket case. Where do you see yourself in a year?”

  “I don't know,” I responded.

  “Yes you do. So again I ask you, where do you see yourself in a year?”

  “I told you I don't fuckin’ know! What's her problem?” I asked, looking back at my aunt and dad. “You act like I did something to you, let's not forget you tried to roast my ass with carrots and shit! I have zero respect for you, and you don't deserve my father's forgiveness!”

  “Dead, that's where your ass will be in less than a year. You ain't strong enough,” she grinned.

  My dad pushed me back from his mother and then stepped up to her. “Don't you ever talk to my child like that!”

  “My child you say? Is that right? You and Courtney act all high and mighty, hiding shit. Y'all act as if I'm the reason she's the way she is, but I bet… I bet you haven't even told her.”

  “Told me what?” I asked, looking at all three of my elders, one by one.

  “Let's go; Courtney, we should have never come here!” Dad yelled, grabbing my arm.

  “You know schizophrenia is a women’s gene in our family, don't you Krystle? It skips the males!” she shouted, as we walked out the door.

  “I thought you changed, but you ain't shit!” Aunt Courtney yelled, as she slammed the door.

  I heard a loud obnoxious laugh come from behind the door, while we walked down the hallway from her room. My mind began to spin as all their faces popped up in my head. I snatched my arm away from him and stopped walking.

  “You know it's a female gene.” Replayed in my head, as I stood there, again lost in my thoughts.

  “Krystle, baby, let's go,” Aunt Courtney said attempting to grab for me.

  “What did she mean by that?”

  “Krystle! Let's go now!” my dad yelled.

  “What did she mean about it's a female gene?” I asked, matching his tone.

  “Why the hell are you paying any attention to what she said? She's crazy!” my dad said angrily, walking up to me.

  “Like me?” I asked, rolling my eyes and walking away from him towards my aunt. “You tell me to stand in my truth, now it's time you stand in yours. What does she mean?”

  Chapter Eleven

  COURTNEY

  “Krystle, this makes no sense; can we go?”

  “Are you my damn mother or not?”

  I could go off, but I didn't, knowing how angry she was. I let my thoughts consume me for just a second; then looked at my brother, trying to read his face, but got no reaction.

  I sighed loudly and then answered her. “I'll tell you everything you want to know when we get to the house, just not right here... not right now.”

  She stomped past us, walked to the elevator and pressed the down button.

  “When we get home, I want to know everything!” she demanded.

  The elevator dinged as she got on without us. When the door shut, all Tony did was stare at me and then asked, “Are you happy now, Courtney?”

  “What the hell are you talking about? I never wanted that to happen and you know that!”

  “You pushed the fuckin’ subject! If you wanted her back, you should have said something a long time ago!”

>   “Do you hear yourself, Tony? If I wanted her back… Boy if I knew I could have this career and her back; then I would have kept my own damn child!”

  “To hell with that stupid excuse I had a career, you had a child!”

  “Damn right I did!” I said, pointing at myself, “But you remember this, your wife couldn't have any and I gave you that gift! I gave you Krystle!”

  “You gave me a headache! When Krystle started acting this way, my wife had been looking for a way out! You brought all this bullshit up front and center… You're the reason she left me!”

  “Bullshit Tony!”

  “Like always, you don't want to take responsibility for nothing! You came to my house damn near every day, confusing Krystle, poking and prodding at her! Did you not think she was going to ask questions?”

  “You gotta be kidding me!” I yelled, beginning to pace back and forth by the elevator. “I was over there every day to help! Oh how often we forget about whom in the hell made that poor girl have an abortion!”

  “I'd gladly do it over again,” Tony growled lowly.

  I was disgusted at the way my brother’s thought process was going. How could he blame everything on me, but his bullshit be justified? I pushed the down button to the elevator, with him standing behind me.

  “After we get to your home, I'm packing up and I'm going back to my house.”

  “Courtney, look... I'm sorry.”

  “There's no need to apologize; you said how you felt. I'm good.”

  The elevator doors open and we got in quietly, heading down to the first floor.

  “Do you think I would purposely try to hurt Krystle? You know me, I wouldn't hurt my child.”

  The doors opened and we both stepped out, spotting Krystle across the room by the entry doors. When she finally noticed us, she walked out of the building towards where we parked.

  “Listen to me, Courtney,” Tony says, grabbing my arm, “Have you ever seen Bishop? I mean ever?”

  “From a distance, Tony, why?” I asked, stopping.

  He let go of my arm and looked off, taking a deep breath before speaking, shaking his head with his hands on his sides. “The decision for me to make Krystle have an abortion, wasn't a hard decision to make.”

  “I get it Tony, okay! Now let's go; I'm not trying to cause a scene here.”

  “She told Bishop's dad before she told me or her mother. His father, Krystle and Bishop came to the house to see what we can do as far as the baby went.”

  “And?” I asked impatiently.

  “Bishop looked just like his father,” he mumbled with his head down.

  “Great Tony,” I said dismissively, walking away from him.

  “His father's name is Brandon, Courtney,” he yelled after me, still standing in the middle of the room. I stopped at the door, turned around and looked at him.

  “What now?” I asked, walking back to him.

  He repeated what he said, but now in a lower tone.

  “There are hundreds of Brandon's in Houston.”

  “When they came to my house and we saw each other, we knew then we had to do something to stop it.”

  “So what you're telling me is that she was dating her half-brother and got pregnant from him? Is that what you're telling me, Tony?”

  He nodded his head yes and I shook my head in disbelief. “Why didn't you tell me this?”

  Before he could answer, Krystle walked back into the building with her arms folded across her chest. “I'm hot and ready to go.”

  “Krys, we're coming, go get in the car,” I said, glancing over my shoulder.

  “I would, but y'all have the keys!” she shouted, sucking her teeth.

  Tony dug into his right pocket, pulling out his keys, throwing them into Krystle’s awaiting hands.

  “Don't sit in the driver's seat either,” he said, as she walked away, back out the building towards the car.

  “So you just let her believe you hated her and were a mean father?”

  “I had to, I didn't want to hurt her no more than what she was already going through.”

  “But…” I began. “I can't believe this shit.”

  “We tried to separate them, but it was hard since they had already started living together. Finally, Brandon told Bishop the truth. We thought it would go away, but Krystle was heartbroken; that's when I started hearing more about these girls, Akira and FiFi.”

  “This is all too much, Tony, remember? She said she and Bishop was becoming distant, because he was cheating on her with them?”

  “Yeah,” he said, looking off briefly, then back at me. “For two months, I thought everything was okay, until that one night she said she was going to meet with Bishop to talk. I was afraid he was going to tell her. Then I thought about it and if she found out that way... it was okay, because it didn't come from me.”

  I walked up to my brother, grabbed hold of him, and squeezed him as tight as I could.

  “I always wonder if maybe I’d stopped her that night Brandon would still have his son,” he said, weeping on my shoulder.

  “You're her father, what do you want to tell her?” I asked, breaking our hug, rubbing his back.

  “She has to know; I just hope she forgives me.”

  I dreaded the ride home and I did not want to tell Krystle the truth. What good would any of it do to tell her this, all at once? We rode home silently; after everything that my brother finally admitted to me, I was up in the air about my emotions. What I should tell Krystle? Either way it went, the truth had to come out, which was something I wasn't willing to hide as long as Tony had. If we told her the truth, she would probably never forgive us and hate me.

  When we got to the house, we sat in our normal discussion room, Tony's man cave. Krystle didn't say much until after I spoke.

  “What do you want to know, Krys?”

  “The truth. Are you my real mother? I mean it would actually bring some light to the distance and tension there was between my mom and me.”

  I rubbed my forehead, thinking about what I should say to her. “You know we love you…” I began.

  “That's it, Aunt Courtney, enough! It's a simple question. If I'm not going to be told the truth, then there's no need to go on with this conversation!” Krystle yelled, standing.

  “I know you're angry, but have a seat, okay?”

  “No! I'm sick of the secrets, the talking to me as if I'm an infant, all of this! I know something ain't right with me, but when will y'all agree our whole family been fucked up before me?”

  “If I'd let you have that baby, it would have been more fucked up then you would think,” Tony blurted out.

  “Tony, can I talk to you for a minute?” I interrupted.

  “Nope!” he quickly responded, never taking his eyes off Krystle.

  “You have something you want to tell me other than your lies? I'm all ears,” Krystle smiled.

  “Let's call a spade a damn spade here.” I watched as my brother began to pace around the open floor, unable to control his temper or words any longer. I called his name again, trying to get him to talk to me in the living room or something, but he kept walking around.

  “Tony!”

  “Shut up, Courtney! She wants to talk grown and act grown remember?”

  “Indeed I am, Uncle Tony, now what?” Krystle answered.

  “That's a great question. Now what, huh?” He did a slight chuckle and then sat back down closer to her. “Ask me any question and I'll answer it honestly, go ‘head! I won't spare your disrespectful ass feelings no more. Ask me!”

  “Tony? Can I speak to you please for one second? This shouldn't be done like this.”

  “This is between me and the one I raised for nineteen years, my child!”

  They were about to go round for round with no referee, and I couldn't stop it. I just sat back, shaking my head as the questions and answers began to spill.

  “Why did Momma leave?”

  “Because she couldn't handle your situation anymore
.”

  “Is Aunt Courtney my mom?”

  “Pandora's box might not be something you want to open,” Tony said, still looking at Krystle.

  “It's already been cracked. Please answer,” she begged.

  Without waiting for Tony, I went ahead and answered, “Yes I am.”

  She didn't respond at first; she just looked like she was more sad than angry, which I could understand. It probably looked to her that her whole life was a lie.

  “Why did you give me up?” she asked in a low tone.

  “Honestly, I wanted to focus on my career; besides, your parents wanted kids so bad, but they couldn't do it on their own. We didn't think at that time it would be a bad idea.”

  “Who is my real father?”

  “I'm your real father, Krystle, and I always will be.” Tony spoke up.

  “Whose DNA combined with yours, which made me, is what I'm asking.”

  I looked at Tony, sighed, and then stared at my niece. “His name is Brandon.”

  “Do you still have contact with him? I want to meet him and ask him some questions too! Why was it so easy to give me up, or why didn't he put his foot down?”

  “I can't do this, Tony.”

  “She wants to know, she wants to know the truth.”

  “There's more? Ughh! What else is there?” Krystle asked, sitting back.

  “You've met him already,” I whispered.

  “No, I haven't. I've never met a Brandon.”

  Her eyes moved from left to right, looking between Tony and myself. She sat on the edge of the couch, waiting on my answer. I closed my eyes and let the words escape from my mouth.

  “Brandon is Bishop’s dad.”

  Chapter Twelve

  KRYSTLE

  I was confused; they had to be joking. If that was true, why didn't Mr. Brandon say anything to me? I felt sick to my stomach, I wanted to speak, but I felt the vomit sitting in my throat. I could hardly breathe or move, so I just sat there shocked.

  “Krystle, please say something,” Aunt Courtney said.

  Right at that very moment, I could feel depression slither its way back in slowly. Still I sat there. The coldness of my aunt's fingertips brushed down the back of my arm, causing me to shiver and look in her direction. I had to be trippin’, because in that slight glance, she resembled FiFi. I knew it was my aunt, but my mind began to play tricks on me. There were words being said, I know, but it was muffled and unclear. My eyes started to tear up some from staring for so long, and when I finally blinked, Aunt Courtney went back to normal. I could finally hear and speak again.