RECYCLED MEMORY

by Richardson, SH

  I thought about how it all went down and seethed…

  Buck had tried his damnedest to teach me how to use the upgraded security system he’d just installed at the junkyard, but I found it impossible to concentrate on a single word he said. I’d met Maribel at the playhouse bright and early before school and got to spend some quality time buried deep inside her before rushing off to avoid being late for class. Her face had been beautifully flushed against the white of her lab coat, and I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that everyone probably knew what we’d been up to that morning. We’d made plans to meet back up that evening for round two, and I couldn’t keep the silly little simper off my face just thinking about what I was going to do to her. Buck took care of my erotic daydream with a hefty smack to the back of the head and a frustrated growl from his oversized chest.

  Fucking killjoy.

  With the exception of Sebastian, we were all living at the junkyard now. I’d moved in after Nan’s funeral, and Range was right behind me the minute the clock struck twelve on his eighteenth birthday. High school graduation was a week away, and the four of us couldn’t wait for that nightmare to be over. No more Principle Garvey to bust my balls over every little thing, He’d have to pick someone else to get his jollies off. I still wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. College held zero appeal for me, and that wasn’t likely to change. Buck had offered to teach me the business, the same as Range, but ultimately, he left it up to me to decide what I wanted to do.

  Thinking about all that shit was giving me a headache, or was it Buck’s slap? Whichever one it was, I just didn’t have the energy to concentrate on much of anything outside of Maribel, so I asked Buck if I could beg off for the rest of the day. It took a few “Motherfuckers,” “Dumb asses,” and “Pussy whips” before he agreed to show me the security system at a later time. We packed up all the brochures, remote controls, and schematics and made our way back toward the office.

  Heated voices from inside caught our attention, and we took off in a dead run toward the commotion. A well-dressed man I recognized right away as Maribel’s father held Range by the shirt collar, screaming obscenities in his face. He demanded to know where I was, but Range refused to tell him. Buck let loose with a feral roar and flipped his shit. He was on him in seconds, fist raised ready to strike, with a look in his eyes the likes of which I’d never seen before. I had no time to think if I was going to save the doctor from getting knocked the fuck out. I hurled myself on Buck’s back while screaming for Range to help me hold him off. Buck was built like a brick shit house; his anger made him twice as hard to wrangle.

  “You touched my boy. I’ll fucking kill you, man.” Buck was fighting against our hold. Any second, we’d lose our grip, and he’d have free rein to slap a beat down on this guy.

  “Buck, STOP! Don’t do it.” I tried to talk him down, but he was incensed.

  “Motherfucker comes in my yard talking shit to my boy? You just signed your own death wish, cocksucker.” His muscles flexed and strained against his shirt. The veins in his neck swelled and hardened as he exerted himself with fury.

  “You don’t scare me, hooligan,” the doctor challenged. “I came to talk to that troublemaking little shit Marcus and find out what the hell he did to my daughter.”

  “Fuck that,” Buck sneered. “His ass is mine. Get the fuck outa my way.”

  Buck refused to acknowledge our pleading until Range got his attention with an unexpected outcry neither of us saw coming.

  “DAD! Look at me,” he begged. “Please stop.”

  Range’s use of that term of endearment shook the old man to the core.

  He staggered on his feet, disoriented and confused.

  It was enough for him to take a deep breath and settle. I took my chances, slid quickly between him and the scared shitless doctor during the temporary lull.

  “Please, Buck, let me handle it,” I whispered calmly to him. “Let me talk to this guy.” I flicked my chin in the doctor’s direction. “Just for a minute.”

  Reluctantly, he agreed on allowing me a few moments alone with Maribel’s father, but not before he made it clear he’d be waiting right outside the office door. The shock of what nearly happened inside that office weakened the doctor’s false bravado so much he took a nearby seat in the corner. We didn’t have a lot of time, so I needed to know what the fuck he was thinking by coming to the junkyard and starting trouble.

  “Want to tell me what you’re doing here, Mr. Laine, and what you think I did to Maribel? Buck isn’t exactly known for his patience, so I suggest you get down to it.”

  “It’s Doctor Laine, and I came here so that you could explain this to me.”

  I hadn’t noticed the stack of papers he was holding in his hand until he flung them in my direction. I took them speculatively, not sure what to make of it until I saw the Remington Community College letterhead on the front of the envelope addressed to Maribel. None of it made much sense. He had to have known she was going to go to college. Why was he so bent out of shape?

  “It’s a college application… So? What’s the big fucking deal, SIR?”

  His face blanched, and not from my use of the eff word. He was seconds away from losing his lunch all over the floor.

  “If you thought for one minute that I’d just sit back and watch some punk ruin my daughter’s future, you’ve got another thing coming. She’s better than that. Maribel is exceptional, and her future is worth more than yours could ever be,” he spat through gritted teeth.

  “I would never stand in the way of her education, Dr. Laine. Maribel deserves to go to college, and I’m sure she’ll do well at RCC. It’s local, and you’ll probably get to see her often, every day if you want to.”

  “Are you insane?” He leaped from the chair and started to pace the length of the room.

  “Maribel was accepted into Harvard Medical School over a year ago, the only female in our family to do so. She had dreams of becoming a surgeon, not shacking up with some pimple-faced junkyard mascot. Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

  Harvard Medical School?

  Maribel had never told me. I’d asked her many times what her plans were for after high school. She never said a fucking word. It’s no wonder her father lost his shit when he found that application. Who in their right mind would want their child to skip out on attending a school like Harvard? It all made sense now, how he ended up here pissed the fuck off, demanding answers. He thought I had something to do with this, that I was the one who somehow convinced Maribel to give up on her dreams of becoming a doctor. She was willing to throw it all away, and for what? To waste away following behind someone like me who still couldn’t figure out what he wanted for breakfast every morning, less know his future? I couldn’t let that happen. Her father was right. She deserved better than what I could ever give her.

  “She never told me about Harvard… I didn’t…” It was my turn to feel sick with the prospect of what needed to be done.

  “She doesn’t know I’m here, Marcus. My oldest daughter told me where to find you.” He sighed. “I’m just a father who only wants the best for his daughter. Can you blame me for that? She’s been my heart and soul since the day she was born. I couldn’t be prouder of the things she’s accomplished. I’m just asking you, no, begging you, Marcus, give her the chance to see it through.”

  “I love her, too, sir. More than I ever thought possible.”

  It was important to me that he understood we shared the same ideals where Maribel was concerned. I knew he didn’t think much of me; he’d made that clear enough, and maybe he was right to feel that way. I wanted to be a dick, fight him on his bullshit plea to give up his daughter, but to what end? How long would it take before she resented choosing me over her lifelong dream of going to Harvard? She’d never forgive me, and in the end, I’d lose her, anyway. The thought of life without Maribel brought on a wave of sadness that shook me to the core of my very soul. I couldn’t stop the t
ears from streaming down my cheeks even with an audience to witness them. My heart was broken.

  “Then love her now, Marcus, and let her go,” he implored me.

  “Promise me you’ll look after her, that no matter what, you’ll be there to fight for her.” I steadied my composure and looked him straight in the eyes.

  “My daughter will realize her dream, I promise you that.”

  And so, a deal had been struck, and I’d loved her enough to let her go.

  Eight years, I stuck to my end of the bargain we’d made that day. I’d stayed away, forced my brothers to do the same by any means necessary. I’d lied to them, said Maribel never meant shit to me, just a high school fuck that I grew tired of and cut loose. They’d known I was full of shit, but it hadn’t been their place to interfere. Buck’s rule. Never fuck with a man and his woman. That was one command I wished to hell they had ignored. If only I’d known the truth. Maribel never became a surgeon. Instead, she was working at a fucking sleazebag diner, getting slapped around by some silly-ass cunt for money. The good doctor had a hell of a lot of explaining to do, so when the office door creaked open, I grabbed my nine millimeters and re-introduced myself.

  “Surprise, motherfucker. Let’s you and I have a sit-down.”

  I pointed both barrels at his panic-stricken face.

  “Please, I have money. Just…” he babbled, clearly not recognizing me after all these years.

  “What? Forgot about me already? It’s only been eight years, Doc. I’m fucking offended.”

  He squinted, then adjusted his focus to get a better look.

  “Marcus?” he choked. “What are you… Jesus, you scared the shit outa me.” I still hadn’t lowered my guns. Fucker needed to know that this was not a game and I wasn’t there for a rectal exam. He had one shot, pun intended, to tell me what the fuck I wanted to know, or he could kiss his ass goodbye.

  “Take a seat, Doc.” I pointed to an empty chair with the barrel of one of my guns. “We’ve got some catching up to do.”

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Buck

  Eight years ago

  THAT ASSHOLE DOCTOR WAS one lucky motherfucker. Two more seconds, and I would’ve been on his ass like stank on shit. If there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s grown-ass men taking advantage of young boys, especially my boys. Hoity-toity book smart dickheads thinkin’ they’re better than everyone else ‘cause they got a little money. Some of the biggest crooks I’d ever met in my life were so-called upper crust motherfuckers like the good doctor there. One thing saved his ass, and that was hearing Range call me Dad for the first time. Shocked the holy hell outa me, thought I was having a heart attack. I had been someone’s father once, till I fucked up. Didn’t deserve to feel that beauty again. Knowing he thought of me that way was like a hard kick to my old saggy balls. I never did right by nobody, not even my own flesh and blood, but he thought different. I wasn’t much for pussy talk, but I wasn’t ashamed to admit a part of me was relieved I hadn’t done the wrong thing by taking that boy on. He kept me living; all of them did. I’d die for my boys.

  I’d have to file that away for now. I needed to check on Marcus and make sure that cunt hadn’t done nothing stupid. I found him back at the office sitting silently in the corner with his head buried in his hands. His shoulders shook uncontrollably, and he was crying his heart out, something I hadn’t seen him do since we’d buried Ms. Betty last year. Like a switch, I was pissed all over again. I snarled when I felt the heat rising in my blood. Still, I found a way to control my anger. Now wasn’t the time for me to track that fucker down and make him pay for hurtin’ my boy. Marcus needed me to avoid getting locked up, so he’d have to wait. For now. I found an empty seat and sat down next to him, so he’d know I was there, and waited for him to talk to me whenever he was ready.

  “He wants me to break up with Maribel,” he whispered brokenly.

  “Yeah? Well, brothers in hell want ice water. Fuck what he wants.”

  “You don’t understand, Buck.”

  “No? I understand he’s a motherfuckin’ dead man if he steps one nut hair anywhere near my yard again. Bet I understand that fucking shit.”

  “Maribel lied to me, Buck, got accepted to Harvard a year ago and never said a fucking word. She dreamt of becoming a doctor till we hooked up. I can’t let her sacrifice her future for someone like me. I’d never forgive myself.”

  Someone like me? Dumb-ass boy.

  I fought against the urge to smack him on the back of the head and knock some sense into the idiot. That girl was lucky to have him; any fool could see that. He was a better person than I was at his age, that’s for damn sure. I’d had a rap sheet as long as your arm by eighteen, two bids in juvie for robbery. Hell, I’d been prospecting for the Devil’s Raptors by then. Ms. Betty was a kind-hearted woman, took on that role to raise him up the same way. He had the game messed up if he thought otherwise. It was time I shared a truth I never had the courage to tell anyone else before; a truth that became my second biggest regret next to the death of my son.

  “My wife, Elle, never walked out on me, boy. Lied about that. I forced her out for her own good.”

  I felt a lump form in my throat and cleared it before I continued.

  “After my son passed, I was lost. You don’t know what that’s like, and I hope you never do. It’s somewhere between slowly dying and already being dead, except your heart still beats every day. Time went on. She tried everything to bring me back, begging, crying, forgiving. Nothing ever worked. Every day, she died a little bit more than the day before. Her eyes that were once bright and hopeful dimmed till they were near black and empty. Wasn’t until I broke down and went to see Lim that I realized Elle was fighting a battle she could never win.”

  “Why, Buck?” Marcus sniffled. “Why couldn’t she win it?”

  “Wasn’t her fight. The love I had for my woman… Once in a lifetime, boy. Once in a lifetime. My mind was so fucked up with guilt and regrets, I had to find a reason to make it on my own; keep fighting to stay alive and living. To win the war of your mind, you must first fight the war of your heart. It’s tattooed on my chest, so I’d never forget the sacrifice I’d made the day I’d forced Elle to leave this place.”

  “How’d you do it, Buck? How’d you make her go if she didn’t want to leave?”

  “I… Shit, this is hard. Fuck. I bent her to the point of breaking and forced her to see a side of me that could never deserve absolution. I gave her two choices: leave or watch me die right along with my son. I wasn’t the man she married anymore, and she deserved to find what little bit of happiness she had left in her life.”

  That was all he needed to know for now. The rest I’d take to my grave. He cared about the girl; I’d known that for years. It’s why I’d sent him out to clean the cabin every day. There wasn’t a damn thing that went on in my yard that I didn’t know about. Knew she’d set up shop at my place from the very first day. I saw something in her spirit that afternoon she’d confronted me about not hurting Marcus. She’d taken his back when his grandmother lay dying in that hospital bed, and it was her he’d reached out for when she’d finally passed. She had strength and fight, a rare trait for someone so young. She was willing to ride or die for that boy. She reminded me so much of my Elle Bell. I wanted that for him and for all my boys. It was a gift few men received from any woman, and he had it sooner rather than later in life. I couldn’t tell him what to do. He had to decide on his own how he wanted it to play out. Whatever the outcome, both would end up hurt. Shit was unavoidable. Maybe, God willing, not enough to leave them broken. The way I am.

  “Was it the right choice, Buck?” His eyes were as big as dinner plates. “For you and for her?”

  “It was MY choice, boy.” I let that hang in the air for a good long while.

  “I need you to drive me somewhere important. Can you do that?” Marcus asked.

  “Sure. Anywhere you want.”

  “Thank you.” He stood from the chair and ste
eled himself. “For trusting me with your truth, Buck. I know what I need to do.”

  “Yeah, well, don’t help much.” I gave him a hard pound on the back.

  “What are you fighting for, boy?” For once, I asked it more for myself than for him.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Maribel

  Present

  I’D TRIED SO HARD to bury all the fucked-up shit from my past, only to have it all come barreling back twice as relentless than before. Old feelings of hopelessness and despair surrounded me like a second skin, sucking the very breath from my lungs at every turn. Whose bright idea was it to make me the poster child for unwanted suffering and agony? Drew never came back after his stupid fight betting thing, Marcus was outside lurking somewhere in the shadows, and I had three dollars to my name until payday. I was over it. I officially threw in the towel and called it quits, which led me to my next stupid move. I just wanted a fucking time-out, a moment to catch my breath and release. Jiminy Cricket, was that too much to ask?

  I hadn’t been to these woods in years, yet I found what I was looking for without a single hitch. This place had been such a big part of my life, that even if I wanted to forget it, my heart simply wouldn’t allow it. So much of it had changed, but the peace and tranquility I’d always felt when I’d visited remained the same. Nature’s orchestra was the backdrop I needed; it sang lovingly all around me and worked its healing power. I wasn’t sure what I expected to accomplish by coming out here. Perhaps it was because I had nowhere else to go. I hadn’t seen nor spoken to my parents in over five years, not since I’d left to live on my own. At the time, I felt it was the only way to gain my life back—and under my terms, not theirs. Garden parties and fundraisers were no place for a daughter who couldn’t hack it and crumbled under the boulder of expectation. I missed them both so much. I’d give anything to feel their arms around me just one more time.