by D. Kelly
The first time I ever laid eyes on April, I was fifteen years old. There was something about her that stopped me in my tracks. Right away, I could tell she was shy; she was animated with her friends but kept averting her gaze when other people approached. Everything about her was subtle—her makeup minimal, her perfume light, her hair wavy and natural. Even her clothes were simple—jeans, t-shirt, and Vans—but she was beautiful.
I loved the fact she wasn’t a cookie cutter; she had no desire to be overly trendy and in your face. She was unique, a little bigger than other girls, but it only made her more attractive to me. She had curves in places other girls were missing them or hadn’t developed yet, and at our age, that was a plus. Of course, I’d dated other girls before her, even as I first started dating her—before we were exclusive. But no one sparked that feeling deep down inside of me the way she did.
She was special, and I knew the second I saw her she was going to change my life. Of course, I didn’t want to admit she was my forever to my fifteen-year-old self. I was captain of the football team and had more friends and family than I could count. I never felt excluded; I just never felt connected until her.
From the day we met, I couldn’t get her out of my mind—couldn’t wait to see her, to talk to her. Even when I had nothing to say, I just wanted to hear her voice. Something about April soothed me, comforted me, she made me feel like I belonged. There were no pretenses with the two of us; we were always exactly who we were and it made our relationship easy. So easy, in fact, we quickly realized the two of us were meant to be.
April is my home, and when we fight—when our world is thrown into discord—I lash out. Nothing makes me angrier than feeling like my home is at risk. Absolutely nothing pisses me off faster than knowing some douchebag wants what’s mine. That coupled with everything going on lately, I can’t help feeling as if she’s slipping away from me.
That can’t happen.
“Jake, sit down. Let’s hash this shit out,” Mike says, tapping my shoulder to get my attention. Nodding, I take a seat at the table but my eyes are still mesmerized by the waves crashing against the shore.
“Why would April think I don’t find her attractive? Is it really because of Trina and the stroller patrol?”
I’m not a stupid man, but I also don’t think I’ve ever given my wife a reason to think I’d stray from our marriage. It took twelve years to get that wedding band on her finger and she doesn’t get to take it off.
Not now, not ever.
“I think it’s more of the fact you were half-naked in front of them, giving them a show,” Daniel replies cautiously.
“Jesus Christ, I didn’t even know they were standing there until April came out with her eyes bugging out of her head, looking like she was going to murder someone. I’ve had a lot going on. I was working out my frustrations and trying to get the yard decorated before April woke up.”
“Did you explain that to her?”
“No, I didn’t get a chance before she started freaking out. We ended up fighting until we fucked our frustrations out, or so I thought, but as soon as we were done we were fighting again.”
“Jake, she’s pregnant. You’re going to have to give some leeway to her crazy. The hormones get worse the closer she gets to her due date. You saw what we all went through. You’re going to have to let some shit slide.”
Daniel nods his head in agreement with Mike.
“Even Kate flipped out about the stupidest shit while she was pregnant with Haven.”
“Maybe.” I answer nonchalantly. “But I’m a little more concerned about the other things we can’t get past.”
“Oh yeah, your fundamental differences,” Mike says, using air quotations as if it’s a fucking joke.
Daniel laughs and abruptly stops when he sees the look on my face. This isn’t a joke to me; it’s my life. My entire life.
“You’re serious?” he asks, astonished. “What kind of differences do you think you and April have that you can’t surpass?”
“Let’s see, she has a co-worker who wants to fuck her… pregnant or not. She still can’t accept my money, she refuses to quit her job, she thinks I’d cheat on her… oh, and now she hates our home. The same house we poured blood, sweat, and tears into to make ours. A house she loved until yesterday, or so I thought. She has everything she could ever want at her fingertips, why can’t she just let me take care of her?”
“Maybe because she doesn’t want to lose herself?” Daniels eyes are flashing with anger.
“You married one of the most real and honest women on the planet, Jake. She’s loyal to a fault, has an admirable work ethic, and wants to continue to grow in life. Do you really want a woman who is complacent to just let you do everything and run the show while she’s barefoot and pregnant in your kitchen?”
“Hasn’t he been asking for that for years?” Mike reminds him.
At least someone was listening.
“Look, Jake, I know you’re stressed at work…”
“She told you?” I ask incredulously.
“No, she didn’t give me any details, just said you’re stressed, working late, and not sleeping much. You said it yourself ten minutes ago. She’s worried about you and it seems for good reason. I’ve never seen you wound this tight.”
“It will be fine,” I reply stubbornly.
“I’m not sure it will.” Daniel stands and walks over to the railing overlooking the beach.
“You’re hurting her, Jake. She’s my best friend and as much as I love you, I can’t stand back and watch as you try and take away everything which makes April who she is.”
Is that really what they think I’m doing?
Is that what she thinks I’m doing?
“The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt April, to take away her identity. I’m just trying to give her the life I’ve always wanted for her. Is that so wrong?”
They exchange looks and Daniel nods to Mike.
“No, Jake, it’s not wrong, it’s just not what April wants. You have to let her decide what is right for her and you need to support her. Don’t take this the wrong way, but do you see any of us telling our wives what they can and can’t do for work?”
“Your wives grew up rich. I want to be able to give April something she doesn’t have to work so hard to achieve. I want to make her life easier, not take away who she is.”
“Misty did not grow up rich. She’s worked her ass off for years and my daughter doesn’t seem any worse off because of it, does she?”
I shake my head. Hailey is the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen; it’s still hard to believe she came from Mike.
“And she has every intention of going back to law school as soon as the next semester starts. All the kids are going to be in the daycare at Lila’s Place. Kate’s already back at work and Jess is starting her nursing rotation, internship, whatever the fuck they call it, in November.”
“So, in other words, I’m being an asshole.”
“No, you’re not an asshole, Jake. You’re doing this from your heart because you believe this is what is best for April and your family,” Daniel answers thoughtfully.
“But,” Mike butts in, “you need to step back and let April make those decisions. If she has the baby and decides she wants to be home, let that be her choice, her self-realization, not your demand.”
“In the meantime, Jake, whatever is going on at work, you need to take care of it. April is really worried about you… we all are.”
Mike flashes me a knowing smirk which Daniel doesn’t miss.
“You know?” he asks.
Mike shrugs his shoulders. “We were pretty drunk last night. I’m not really sure what I know and what I imagined.”
“Whatever, asshole, at least he talked to someone,” Daniel says, giving me a knowing look.
“Just go fix this with your wife. As much as I love her, I’d rather be sleeping in my bed instead of yours.”
“You slept in my bed?”
; “Someone had to dry April’s tears. Be thankful it was me and not Derek.”
Bastard.
“Not funny, Daniel.”
“I wasn’t joking, Jake. Go fix your shit. Your wife won’t ever leave you unless you give her a reason to. Don’t give her a reason to seek comfort from Deputy Dawg.”
“Thanks, you guys.”
“For what? Name-calling asshole cops who want something that doesn’t belong to them? Anytime.”
That makes me laugh. “Yeah, for that, and for pulling my head out of my ass. You guys know my world begins and ends with April. If anything ever happened to her, I don’t know what I’d do.”
“We know and luckily for you, April knows it, too. You just have to make her feel it. Go fix it, Jake, and talk to her about the house. I think you’ll be surprised at what you find out.”
A few hours later when I open the garage, April’s car is gone. On my way home, I stopped off and picked up all her favorites for dinner and dessert. As the garage closes and I’m unloading the packages, I hear Luvbug crying from inside.
After dropping the bags onto the counter, I let him out of his crate. April must be planning on being gone a long time if he’s crated. She hates the crate, says it’s cruel and unusual punishment. I don’t disagree with her but until he’s fully housebroken, there’s not much of a choice. Thankfully, he hasn’t had an accident in a few weeks so I think we’re almost done with the crate.
As I lift him into my arms, he slobbers all over my cheek. At least someone is happy I’m home. I let him out into the yard, leaving the door open so he can come back inside when he’s ready. It’s once I’ve put away the food that I see her note. I had set the bag on top of it on my way inside.
Jake,
Went to Mom and Dad’s. Be back later.
April
Short, sweet, and no ‘love.’ Yeah, I’d say my wife is pretty pissed off at me and I absolutely deserve it.
Well, I might as well be productive and finish decorating the yard. This time with my shirt on.
April
“Sweetie, that’s about the tenth time you’ve yawned in the last five minutes. Are you sure you don’t want to go lie down and take a nap?”
“Mom, I’m fine, but thank you. I’m just not sleeping well lately. The baby likes to play when I need to sleep.”
I don’t mention the fact Jake abandoned me last night and I slept in Daniel’s arms for the first time since high school.
“I remember those days well,” she says with a chuckle. “It’s hard to believe you’re all grown now and having kids of your own.”
“I don’t know how you did it, Mom. All seven of us at your feet all the time. You never got a minute’s peace. Three is my limit, anything more than that is chaos.”
She pats my hand with a knowing smile. “You say that now, April, but out of all my children, you’re the one I see with a house full of kids. There’s a reason you became a social worker. Right now they’re just words but I promise you, once your baby boy is born, the way you feel about children will change.”
“Ha! That’s funny, Mom, keep dreaming.”
“You think you love him now, April, and you do. But when the doctor places him in your arms, it’s a completely different experience. We’ll see how it all pans out. Hopefully, you’ll have him a little bit early and I’ll be able to see it for myself.”
“I’m sorry, Mom. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
My entire family is leaving December first for a trip to Italy and Greece. They’re spending fourteen days in each country, visiting family and seeing the sights. It’s been planned for almost two years and because I’m due in December, Jake and I can no longer go. They offered to reschedule the trip until next year, but there’s no way I wanted that on my shoulders. Something was inevitably going to come up; you can’t take a trip with twenty people and expect it to all go smoothly.
“I know, sweetie. Just be ready to have your house invaded when we get home. I’m going to need to see my grandson immediately and so will your brother and sisters.”
“You’re welcome as soon as you come home, I promise.”
“I’m talking straight from the airport, April.”
“Mom, I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re not the only one who’s sad you won’t be there. I’ll miss you more than you know.”
My phone rings and as much as I want it to be Jake, I don’t want to talk to him right now. After I dig it out of my purse, I’m disappointed. It’s not him, it’s work.
“Hey, Marie.”
“Hi, April, are you busy?”
“No, not really. I’m just visiting with my parents, but I’m actually heading home in a few minutes. Do you need something?
She sighs in relief on the other end of the phone. “Yes, I’m stuck at the station. I was supervising a visit that didn’t go as planned, and things got a little out of control. Mia was having a hard time adjusting last night when I left, and I promised I’d come by before five to check on her, but I’m not going to make it.”
It’s a little after four.
“No problem. If I leave now, I should make it as long as there’s no traffic.”
“April, thank you! You’re a lifesaver.”
“Don’t even worry about it. I told her I would be by in a few days to check on her, so I’ll just be checking in a little early. I’ll call you when I leave and fill you in.”
“Sounds good. Thanks again.”
When I hang up the phone, my mom is chuckling to herself and shaking her head. She looks at me with her all-knowing mom gaze and smiles.
“What, Mom?”
“Three will never be enough for you, April. You’ve got too much love inside of you to stop at three.”
“You’re crazy, old lady. Tell Dad bye for me, will you?” With a kiss on her cheek, I turn to leave.
“Of course, see you next week for dinner. Love you.”
“Love you, too, Mom,” I call over my shoulder as I walk outside to my car.
On the way over to check on Mia, I think about what my mom said about me and kids. She raised me but sometimes I don’t feel like she knows me at all. Growing up in a house with seven kids wasn’t fun. Well, it could be fun, but it was also a lot of hand-me-downs, endless chores, hours of cooking, and after all of it, I’m still not very close with my sisters.
Maybe it’s because I was always closer with my brother. Johnny and I were like two peas in a pod until we were teenagers. He’s a year older than me and when we moved the summer before my freshman year of high school, he decided to stay at our old school with my sisters but I chose the new school and a new start. I’ve never once regretted that decision… it’s what brought me to Jake.
It’s only been recently my youngest sister, Sophia, and I have started to get closer. She’s in her last year of college and has been spending a lot of time with me ever since my bachelorette party. She was in junior high when I moved out of my parents’ house and into the dorms. Sophia isn’t close with our older sisters, either. That’s the downfall of having so many kids; we’re just too far apart in age. Don’t get me wrong, I adore them all, but I think my parents could have done better in making us a closer family unit.
We typically only see each other for the holidays and special occasions. It’s sad and part of the reason I was looking forward to this trip with them. I’m going to have to make a bigger effort to pull them into my life when they return. I want Jaxson to have a close relationship with them all. Oddly enough, out of all of us, I’m the first one to have a child. Maybe I wasn’t the only one affected by coming from such a large family.
Last time I was out with Sophia, we ran into Marc and Chad. To say she was smitten would be an understatement. At first, I thought she was crushing on Marc, but she later asked me about Chad. When I told her about Chad and Vanessa, she looked crushed. Chad still hasn’t dated anyone that we know of. It’s been almost two years since we lost her, but everyone grieves at their own pace. Cha
d has so much to offer; I wish he’d let someone in soon. He deserves happiness.
At first, he wasn’t sure about how much time he was going to spend with Lucas but thankfully, with Kate and Daniel’s prompting, he really is a second father to Lucas. Lucas calls him Uncle Chad, so does Hailey, for that matter… but his relationship with Lucas goes so much deeper than that. They’re doing their very best to honor Vanessa’s wishes, and if it works for them, who am I to judge?’ Sometimes their arrangement seems odd because they defer to Chad on everything—preschool, holidays, immunizations, doctors, et cetera—but it’s their family dynamic and it works for them and that’s truly all that matters.
When I pull up to Denise Robinson’s house, my eyes are immediately drawn to the house across the street. It looks like Mia’s grandmother was loved a lot in this community. Their porch is filled with flowers, candles, balloons, and photos. At sixty years old, she was fairly young to pass away so soon.
Sometimes we forget how much of a gift every day we are blessed with is.
My heart aches for Jake and even though I know he’s in the wrong, I want to make things right between us. My life doesn’t work without him and there’s no way I’m bringing Jaxson into this world with anything less than a happy home filled with both of his parents and love.
Out of the corner of my eye, Mia appears on the porch of Denise’s house with her head propped in her hands, eyes locked on the display in front of her grandmother’s house. She looks wise beyond her years as she reflects on the scene in front of her.
As I exit my car, I give her a slight wave and she cracks somewhat of a smile in return.
“Mind if I have a seat?” I ask, not waiting for a response as I lower myself to the porch.
“You came to see me just like you said.”
“Of course I did. I’d never break a promise.”
“Thank you,” she whispers.
We sit in silence for a few moments as the sun begins to lower in the sky.
“April, do you think my grandma is in heaven with my mommy and daddy?”
“I’m sure she is, Mia, and I’m sure they’re looking down on you right now, wishing they were here.”