by Linda Warren
He couldn’t have made love to her as he had unless he felt something deep for her. She knew that, too. Last night hadn’t been a casual thing for either of them. She would wait—patiently.
She stroked the hand lying against her waist.
“Are you awake?” he asked.
She turned to look at him and all she could see was love in those dark blue eyes. “Yes.” She kissed him briefly, knowing she’d wait forever for Eli.
He caught her lips and deepened the kiss, then drew back before they got carried away. “We need to talk.”
She sighed. “You’re the only man I know who’d rather talk.”
He sat up against the headboard and she rested on her knees facing him. Neither had a stitch of clothes on, yet it seemed so natural. Not in the least bit uncomfortable.
He tucked her hair behind her ear. “It’s not that I’d rather…” He stopped. “Have there been a lot of men?”
She caught the hand against her face and kissed his knuckles. “Jealous?”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“A boyfriend in college and Colin,” she answered. She didn’t want to keep anything from Eli.
“That’s it?”
“Yes.” She linked her fingers with his. “And you?”
His hand tightened on hers. “I’m almost forty-two and…”
“And there’s so many you can’t remember them all?”
“There were a couple in high school, several in college and afterward, then Ginny. After her I couldn’t be with another woman without seeing her face.”
Caroline chewed on the inside of her lip, hesitating, but she needed to know. “Did you see her face when we made love?”
He stared into her eyes. “No. I haven’t seen her face for a while now.”
“Does that upset you?”
“No.”
That was all she needed to hear. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him with all the love she was feeling. He groaned, taking her mouth with a fierce hunger, his hands stoking her back. Then he stopped and rested his forehead against hers. “We’re getting sidetracked. We need to talk.”
“Okay. Okay. “She snuggled against him, resting her head on his shoulder. “What time is it?”
“Almost midnight. You went out like a light and slept for a couple of hours.”
She stroked his chest. “I guess we should have eaten first.”
“Maybe.”
“We can eat now.”
He rubbed her arm. “Maybe later.”
She kissed his throat. “I haven’t slept very well the past two nights.”
“I haven’t, either,” he admitted. “I’ve been quietly going out of my mind with jealousy.”
“Oh, Eli, I’m so sorry.” She made a face. “Tomorrow you might have to arrest me for killing my sister.”
“She was trying to protect you. This happened so fast and I’m still trying to adjust and—”
She placed a finger over his mouth. “No regrets. No excuses.”
He should tell her now, but all he could see in her eyes was love. He suddenly realized he needed that. Accepting it was the hard part.
“Okay.”
She nestled against him and a peacefulness settled over him. “Aren’t you going to ask about my promise?”
Her eyes glittered as she looked up at him. “About visiting your brothers?”
“Yes.”
She smiled. “You did it.”
“Yes.”
She clapped her hands and sat up. “I’m so proud of you. How did it go?”
He told her about the afternoon he’d spent at the McCain farm, and her joyful expression was like a glimpse of the heaven he’d been dreaming about. He knew he loved her more than he’d ever imagined. But the words were still locked deep in his chest.
“Thank you for forcing me to go. It was just like you said. They’re a part of what and who I am, and I know Ma and Pa would want me to have that connection with them. When I left there, all my resentment was gone.”
“I’m so glad.”
“Me, too.”
“And you’ll be working with Caleb trying to help Belle?”
“Yes.” Now he had to tell her about the new developments in the case. He didn’t want to take that smile off her face, but he had no choice.
He gathered her in his arms again. “I have something to tell you and it won’t be easy.”
Her hand curled into a fist. “Just tell me.”
“Lansing, Buford’s attorney, is digging up dirt on you.”
“Like what?” she asked, her voice hesitant.
“He’s dug up several things you did in college, where you were involved in protests.”
“I was rebellious in college, trying to break free from the mold my father had planned for me. But what difference does that make?”
“The incident with Professor Halter hurts the case.”
She pushed away, frowning. “Professor Halter? I don’t remember…oh, now I do. He was my roommate’s history professor and she said he was fired unjustly, so she gathered us all together to protest. I didn’t realize what we were protesting until I was sitting in a jail cell and had to face the wrath of my father. After that I agreed to finish law school, which I did. I kept my word, but I didn’t go into my father’s law firm. It’s been a sore subject between my parents and me. What does this have to do with my being kidnapped by Buford and his followers?”
“Buford’s story is that they found you outside their fence photographing wildflowers. They talked with you and you showed interest in their faith. Later his men went to visit with you and you told them you wanted to join them, so they took you back to the compound, where you agreed to undergo the cleansing ritual. His followers are backing up his story.”
“But that’s a lie. That’s a lie,” she cried.
“I know, honey. I know.” Eli pushed back her hair. “I just want you to be aware of what’s going on. Lansing is a cutthroat defense attorney and he’s trying to discredit you any way he can. The Halter incident proves you support multiple marriages and—”
“I do not,” she spat, jerking away. “And anyone who believes that is crazy.”
“Come here.” He pulled her back into his arms. “Don’t worry. I’m going to make sure he doesn’t get away with this. Caleb and I are working with Belle and she can corroborate your story.”
“I just don’t understand why my word isn’t enough.”
“Because we live in America, where everyone is innocent until proven guilty, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. We just have to stay a step ahead of Lansing.”
“Then my testimony doesn’t matter. It’s Belle’s that we have to concentrate on.”
“Yes. We’re sure she knows a lot more. The case hinges on Belle recovering her memory.”
“I don’t want to hurt her in any way—even if that means Buford goes free.”
“Caroline…”
“I mean it, Eli. I don’t want an attorney to tear her apart on the witness stand. She’s been through enough.”
He cupped her face. “You’re wonderful.”
“I have to be strong and sometimes I’m not sure I can be.”
His heart twisted at her forlorn tone of voice. “I’ll be right beside you,” he promised.
“Do you believe in love at first touch?”
“You mean love at first sight?”
“No. I mean touch,” she said. “When I was in that dark room and I heard your voice, I thought I was hearing things. Then I touched you and everything has been different since that moment.
“I can’t explain that feeling, but it’s not gratitude and I know it’s never going to change for me. Just tell me you felt it, too.” Her eyes begged for an honest answer.
“I felt it, too,” he whispered, taking her lips in a gentle caress. But he cursed himself for not saying the words she wanted to hear.
The kiss deepened. “Love me, Eli. I don’t want to think abo
ut anything or anyone but you for the rest of this night.”
“I hope you bought a lot of those condoms.”
She drew back. “I’d never bought them before and the selection is endless—regular, different colors, psychedelic, glow in the dark, and my personal favorite, ribbed for her pleasure.” She reached for the box on the nightstand.
“What’s your preference?”
He pulled her down into the bed, laughing. “You’re my preference.”
She giggled. “You have to choose.”
His lips found her breast and her thinking became cloudy.
“We’ll try them all and choose our favorite.”
Her eyes opened wide. “Really?”
“Well, maybe not tonight.” He grinned, stroking her abdomen. “But by the end of the week, we’ll have a winner.”
Her senses spun as his hands worked their magic, and she eagerly reached for him, letting her worries slip away as her body responded to his touch.
She already had a winner.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE BUZZ OF ELI’S cell phone woke him. Even when he was dead asleep, that sound could do so. Over the years, he’d been conditioned that way. His job came first.
He immediately slipped from the bed, careful not to wake Caroline, and found his phone in his clothes on the floor. It was Greg—there was a new development in the Buford case. Greg had an early appointment and wanted to see Eli at ten. Eli agreed and clicked off.
He looked at Caroline, her disheveled hair, her soft skin, and realized he’d made a big mistake. They’d said they’d have no regrets, make no excuses, but as daylight filtered through the blinds, he felt very differently.
What had he done? He’d compromised the best thing about him—his ethics as a Texas Ranger. He’d stepped over the line so far that he couldn’t even rationalize it to himself. He wanted Caroline and he’d taken what he wanted. Like his father, he was selfish, thinking only of himself.
The fact that she’d made it easy for him didn’t change a thing. Even after they’d made love and she’d said I love you, he couldn’t say the words back to her. He wanted to, but they were frozen inside him. Would he ever be able to love completely?
“Eli,” she murmured sleepily.
He quickly slipped into his clothes. Buttoning his shirt, he said, “We need to talk.”
She opened one eye. “That doesn’t sound good.” She pushed herself to a sitting position, the sheet falling away, exposing her breast.
He forced himself not to look. “Last night should never have happened.”
She paled, but didn’t say anything.
“I was so glad to see you and happy you weren’t with Colin that I lost sight of my honor and ethics as a ranger.”
“We did talk about this and we both wanted the same thing.”
“But I knew it was wrong.”
“It didn’t feel wrong.”
He closed his eyes briefly. “It was selfish on my part.”
Her eyes flared. “Don’t you dare say that. It was loving and passionate—everything it should have been.”
He took a deep breath. “Last night you said something to me a couple of times and I didn’t say it back to you.”
“Yes. I know.”
“That’s not loving—it’s selfish.”
She clenched her jaw. “I’ll never believe that and I’ll never believe you weren’t feeling the same thing I was.”
“What I feel for you is stronger than anything I’ve ever felt for any woman and yet…I can’t say those words.”
“Were you able to say them to Ginny?”
“No. It’s just something I can’t do.”
“Eli.” She scrambled toward him and he took a couple of steps backward. “It’s okay….”
“No. It’s not okay. You deserve better than that.”
“Eli.”
“We should’ve had this conversation last night,” he said, so low she almost didn’t hear him. “I guess that’s what I really wanted to talk about, but stronger needs took over.”
“Eli.”
“The one thing I’m proud of—the one thing I’m good at—is being a Texas Ranger, and now I’ve tarnished that.” He swallowed. “I took from you without making you fully understand, and I can’t continue to do that. Until this case is over, we won’t have a repeat of last night. And until I can say those words to you, we won’t have anything.”
She trembled. “You felt differently last night. What happened between then and now?”
“Reality.” He spat out the word. “Of who and what I am.”
Her bottom lip quivered and Eli looked away, jamming his foot into a boot.
“You once said I could hurt you badly, but you’re the one hurting me—for no reason.”
He looked at her. “How long do you think you could live with a man who’s so scarred inside that he’s unable to say those words? They’re three little words—what’s the problem? Everyone says them. But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. I couldn’t say them to Ginny and I could tell it hurt her. I told myself she understood, but that’s asking a hellva lot of a woman. I won’t ask that of you. I won’t put you through that.”
Caroline sank back on the bed, getting a glimpse into Eli’s soul. “That’s it, isn’t it? Ginny died before you could say those words to her. You’ve been grieving about it all these years. That’s what this is about.”
“I wanted her to know.”
“She did, Eli,” she told him. “She probably felt it every moment you were with her, every moment she shared with you.”
“I should have been man enough to tell her.”
“Eli…”
“I’ve got to go to work.”
“What about us?” she asked in a rush.
“I’m sorry, Caroline.” He hurried out the door and her heart burst into a million pieces.
She lay back on the bed and grabbed Eli’s pillow and held it tight. She wouldn’t cry. Not after last night. She would give him time, but she would never give up on Eli. With her arms around the pillow, she slipped into a beautiful dream where she found her Prince Charming.
She was arguing with her father and mother, the guilt eating away at her. Then she was shrouded in darkness where there was no air, no light, and the guilt wasn’t important anymore. Life was. At her lowest point, her prince arrived. One touch and she was free. He wore boots, a cowboy hat and a Texas Ranger badge. He felt like Eli, looked like Eli.
Her prince was Eli.
CAROLINE WOKE UP at nine and quickly showered and dressed, with thoughts of Eli filling her head. In her teens and twenties she’d dreamed of finding Mr. Right. He would have a special touch that would ignite a passion in her she’d only ever read about. Last night that dream had come true—almost. Eli hadn’t told her he loved her and that hurt.
His words this morning hurt even more, mainly because she knew he was right. She wanted him to say I love you—she needed it. Ginny probably had, too. Eli was such a special man, though, that one little flaw was easy to overlook. Except he couldn’t overlook it. She loved him all the more for that.
She always knew he was a man of honor and she hated that she was the cause of his inner conflict. Their relationship had happened so fast, but she didn’t regret a moment of it. She only regretted that he was torn between her and his job.
Picking up the box of condoms, she put them in the nightstand drawer, not sure when they’d use them again.
If ever.
ELI DROVE AND DROVE. He wasn’t sure where he was going until he looked up and realized he was in Marlin. The McCain farm—that’s where he needed to go. To understand himself he had to face one more demon from his past—the ghost of Joe McCain.
When he stopped at the garage, Jake was coming out of the house, Wags behind him. Eli got out and Jake halted when he saw him.
“Eli,” he said, surprised.
“I’m sorry. I should have called.”
“Nonsense,” Jake said. “You’r
e always welcome here. Come on in and have a cup of coffee.”
“Thanks.” Eli followed him into the house and sat at the kitchen table. He removed his hat and Jake placed a steaming mug in front of him.
“You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here,” Eli said after a long silence.
“I’m just glad to see you,” Jake replied, sitting with a mug in his own hand. “Elise just left to take Ben to school and to drop Katie at her mom’s. Aunt Vin’s gone to one of her marathon bingo days.”
Eli twisted his cup. “You and Elise seem to have a good relationship.”
“Yes. But it wasn’t always like that.”
Eli glanced up. “It wasn’t?”
“No. We were both in our late thirties and we got married to have a child, then we found out about Ben and everything fell apart.”
“Do you mind if I ask why?”
“Elise didn’t know if she could be a mother to another woman’s child.”
Eli took a sip of coffee. “That doesn’t sound like the woman who was scared out of her mind when Ben was kidnapped. It doesn’t even resemble the woman who dotes on him.”
“Like I said, we got married for the wrong reasons and we both had a lot of emotional garbage. Elise had been married before and was still in love with her dead husband. I wasn’t very familiar with love. I never had a lot of it in my life.”
“I haven’t, either,” Eli murmured. “At least not until I went to live with Ma and Pa. Ma would always say ‘I love you’ before she went to bed and I would say ‘ditto.’ She’d call me Ditto to tease me, and tell me one day a woman would make me say those words and I’d be happy to do so.”
“But that hasn’t happened?”
“No.” He stared into his cup. “I’ve met someone and I’m happy when I’m with her. I tell her things I haven’t told anyone else, yet I can’t say what she wants to hear. What every woman deserves to hear.”
“I had a hard time with that, too,” Jake admitted.
Eli looked at him. “What did you do?”
He shrugged. “I don’t have a plan or a formula. It’s something that has to come from here.” He placed a hand over his heart. “It’s about forgiving and accepting. I had to forgive my mother and the father who hurt me terribly, and most of all, I had to forgive myself. Until I did that I didn’t have anything. I couldn’t have Elise or happiness until I wiped the slate clean and started over. I had to tell Elise I loved her, and I didn’t think I could do that. Rejection makes cowards of strong men and I was no exception. But I was determined to have the family I’d always wanted, and Elise made it easy.”