Not About Love (This Love Book 2)

by Hilaria Alexander

  “You seem really concerned about the well-being of his dick,” Ella teased.

  I shrugged and let out a deep breath. I just hated to do this to him, even though he had done it to me!

  “Yes, it sucks, but he deserves to know. The sooner the better. Of course, I’m on your side—I’ll always be on your side—but you have to tell him, and I’m not just saying that because he’s my brother-in-law. Any guy has the right to know. I know you’re independent, but if you decide to get an abortion, he needs to know and be okay with it. I’m sure I don’t have to be the one to tell you this.”

  “I know, I know.” I placed my arms on my knees and rested my head on top of them. I searched inside myself, looking for an answer.

  What did I want? What was I going to do?

  * * *

  I knew it was going to take me a while to recover from the news and be able to face Boyd myself. When I woke up the next day, I spent a whole ten seconds blissfully unaware of my new condition. Then my nausea crept up and I remembered.

  I had to call Boyd, but I was too chicken to do it. I needed to talk to someone else who’d been through it. I needed someone’s advice. I was going to talk to Helga later that afternoon, but I felt the urge to call my mom right then. She would probably have a few good words of advice.

  “Hey, Mom.”

  “How are you, honey? How are things down there? Anything new?”

  I took a deep breath. Go ahead and say it. Might as well get it out of the way.

  “Yes, I do. I actually have some news…”

  “Oh, really? What is it, sweetie? Did you make the paper again? Did you meet someone?” she asked, hopeful.

  You can do this. “Not quite, Mom. The thing is…I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh, Alberta! Come on now, don’t joke with me about something like that.”

  “Um…I’m not joking, Mom.”

  “Oh, honey! How did this happen? I thought you were a smart girl.”

  What is that supposed to mean?

  “I guess I’m not,” I replied, my voice heavy with sarcasm.

  “Oh, honey. You know I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that I don’t think you have a steady boyfriend, and I know you’ve been sexually active for a while and you’ve never encountered…these problems—or have you?”

  Just hearing the words “sexually active” from my prim and proper mother was enough to make me want to run and hide.

  “No, I have not. This is the first time it’s happened.”

  “Are you seeing someone?”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Have you not been careful? Were you not trying to be?”

  “Mom, it just…happened. That’s all. I wasn’t planning it. It was an accident.” Somehow, describing my pregnancy as an accident made me feel worse.

  “Who’s the father?”

  “Well…you don’t know him, obviously—” I hardly know him myself.

  “What are you going to do? Is he going to take care of you?” Her voice went up a couple octaves. She was already stressing out, and it was because of me. I had hardly given her any trouble growing up, but whenever the smallest problem arose, she acted just like Mrs. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. Her nerves, her well-being were always at the center of our family’s life and my dad’s number one priority. Her natural disposition for being dramatic was the reason I always strived to be a good girl, for the most part.

  “I-I don’t think so. We’re not…together, but I think I might want to keep the baby. I don’t want to have an abortion. I don’t think I do, at least. It doesn’t feel right.”

  “Honey…are you really sure about this? You live in a foreign country—for reasons I still can’t even comprehend, you’re on your own, and by the sound of it, you’re not even in a relationship with the father of the baby, otherwise you would have mentioned his name.” She wasn’t completely wrong, and I had considered all the things she’d just listed, but they were still not valid enough reasons to have an abortion.

  It was the strangest thing. I couldn’t bear the thought of it. It made me sick. I already knew I was going to have a hard time forgiving myself if I went through with it, almost as if this minuscule bean inside me was influencing my decision.

  This tiny, dot of a baby was turning my life upside down, and part of me was beginning to accept it. I had a good job. I was completely clueless when it came to kids, but somehow I thought I could make it work. I was sure I’d be able to rely on Helga.

  No, there was no way I could live with myself if I got rid of this baby.

  Who would have thought? I had always thought if it happened to me and it wasn’t the right time or I didn’t feel ready, I might consider getting an abortion.

  But now…I just couldn’t.

  Holy crap. Suddenly my mind was made up. I am having this baby.

  “You’re right, Mom, I’m not, but I just can’t bear the idea of getting an abortion.” My heart sank in my stomach once more as the word left my lips.

  “Well, it’s not that big of a deal,” she said in a way that sounded a bit too nonchalant.

  “Well, I disagree, it’s a huge deal…I don’t think it’s something that should be done lightly,” I objected.

  “Oh, honey! I never thought I’d hear you talk like this! I’ve had an abortion before. Actually, I’ve had two,” she confessed, leaving me momentarily at a loss for words. She had never told me that.

  “You have? When? Was it before you and Dad got married?”

  “Oh, no! It was a few years after you were born, honey.”

  “What? Why? Were there complications? Was it dangerous for your health?” I was confused. “How come you never told me?”

  “No, nothing like that. You were little, maybe four or five the first time. I just couldn’t take it, Ally! Carrying you had been a nightmare. I threw up for months, I couldn’t sleep, and the back pain was something awful. Plus, the delivery was not the easiest, let me remind you. You were breach, and after hours and hours of labor, I had to get a C-section. I never wanted to go through that again.”

  “B-but…you knew how lonely I was growing up. You knew how much I wanted a brother or a sister—”

  “Well, I didn’t want to put my body through that again!” The bitterness in her voice cut as much as her words did. What did my father think of all this?

  “What did Dad say about this? Was he okay with it?”

  “Well, not really. He wasn’t happy about it, but your father loves me, so in the end he agreed to whatever I considered best.” Whatever she considered best. The word rolled over and over in my head. I could’ve had one or even two siblings. My life would have been so different with a brother or a sister. I always thought my parents weren’t lucky enough to get pregnant again, not that my mother chose not to have another kid.

  “I-I have to go, Mom.”

  “Alberta, call me back soon, okay? Let me know what you decide.”

  “I already decided. I’m keeping my baby.” Mama, don’t preach.

  I absentmindedly told her goodbye and ended the call. In retrospect, it was kind of funny. I had called my mother to get some comfort and reassurance.

  Instead, I was the one comforting myself. I touched my belly.

  Don’t worry, I’m not getting rid of you. We’re going to be just fine, baby.

  * * *

  The day after the disastrous phone call with my mom, I talked to my dad, the sweetest man in the whole state of Tennessee, and he told me he’d jump on a plane as soon as I said when. He was over the moon at the idea of becoming a grandad, even though he wished my situation were a little more stable. That makes two of us, Dad.

  “If you want to come back home, we’ll support you one hundred percent, and if you want to stay in Amsterdam and need our help, we’ll fly out there and help. You’re never going to be alone, sweetheart.” His words made me tear up, and it was even harder to hold back the tears when he apologized for my mother’s behavior.

  “Your mother
… We never saw eye to eye when it came to kids. I dreamed of having a big family like the one I grew up in, and she didn’t. But, you know…I always loved her…and I still do. In the end, I had to accept her decision. It wasn’t easy, I tell ya.” He tried to sound chipper, but I detected a certain bitterness in his voice. If having a big family had been one of my father’s dreams, I couldn’t believe he and my mother had stayed together after she had two abortions.

  He must have loved her a lot to get over that. He obviously still did—I could hear it in his voice when he talked about her, and I saw it every time I went home. My dad was the typical southern gentleman, well-mannered and attentive.

  My mother had gotten lucky. So, so lucky.

  No matter how much her decision hurt him, he never stopped loving her.

  My situation was different.

  Boyd and I were not together, and I was pretty sure having a kid with someone he wasn’t in a relationship with was not high on his list of things to do any time soon.

  I had to get it off my chest. I just needed to tell him and get it over with.

  Then I could start moving on with my life.

  I sat on my bed feeling like a fifteen-year-old as I listened to the phone ring, over and over.

  Please keep ringing.

  I was hoping the phone call would go to voicemail. As much as I felt I needed to let him know, I didn’t have the strength or the energy to have the conversation right then. Leaving a voicemail was an easy way out; that way, I could do what I had to and let him make the next move.

  My mother’s words still echoed in my ear; they had upset me so much. In the end, however, they had helped me realize how strongly I felt about my decision. If Boyd didn’t want anything to do with this baby, I wouldn’t fault him.

  Either way, the baby and I were going to be just fine.

  The beep of the voicemail startled me. I scrambled like an idiot trying to get the words out of my mouth.

  “Boyd…it’s me, Ally. I…I have some news. Um, surprising news. Good, sort of…but definitely…shocking news. I should probably wait to tell you, but I’m sure you’ll worry what the hell this is all about. So…I’m going to get right to the point and say it. I mean…I’m sorry to drop this bomb over the phone, but I don’t know another way given our…situation. Anyway, the thing is…I’m pregnant. Yeah, it shocked me, too. I thought we always used protection, and no, I know what you’re thinking…I haven’t been with anyone else.

  “Anyway.” I exhaled a deep breath, trying to get to the point of my nonsensical message. “You don’t have to worry about a thing. I know it’s…unexpected. I’ve thought about it…and I’m going to take care of it. I just…I just needed to let you know. Okay? Bye.” Sheesh. It had been the most disastrous and nerve-racking voicemail I’d ever left.

  When I told Helga the news an hour later, I found the love and encouragement I had been looking for. Helga and Johan had struggled for years to have a baby and had given up on the idea completely…but then came Lieke. Helga had been forty years old at the time, and Lieke was her miracle baby.

  To say she was excited about my surprise pregnancy was an understatement. She was simply over the moon. I was almost jealous of her joy for a minute. I wished I could have felt that kind of happiness right away instead of dread and uncertainty. I didn’t know how or if I was going to pull it off. I worked a lot and clearly had no family living nearby. I liked to go out and get drunk on weekends.

  I didn’t have vices, but I didn’t have rules either.

  My life was going to change—drastically.

  Helga saw my face cloud with worry and suggested we get out of town.

  “Let’s go visit my parents in Costricum. Lieke can come with us. You look like you could use the distraction,” she said to me in Dutch.

  I sent Ella a text to see if she could join us, but she replied an hour later declining the invitation.

  Sorry, I’m meeting this deejay from Denmark. She’s arriving today to work on a song. Have you talked to Boyd?

  Left him a voicemail. Haven’t heard back yet.

  Jeez, Ally. Don’t tell me you told him in the voicemail? You want him to have a heart attack?

  I don’t see how that is going to be any different than if I told him during an actual conversation.

  Let me know when he calls you back. I’m dying to tell Lou! I can’t keep secrets from him.

  My stomach churned. When I’d told Helga about the morning sickness, she had given me an acupressure wristband, which was supposed to relieve motion and morning sickness just by pressing on this certain spot on your wrist. I didn’t know how she knew all this stuff. She was magical.

  Since putting the wristband on, I had been feeling slightly better, but there was still a certain queasiness in my stomach. I wondered how much had to do with calling Boyd and how much was the pregnancy itself. Mustering up the courage to leave that voicemail and the anxiety that had come with it was probably what was making me feel sick. I stared at my phone and checked to see how long it had been since I’d left him the message.

  Two hours.

  I reread our last messages, the ones where he had asked me to send him some naked pictures, and I smiled, despite still feeling anxious.

  I let out a deep breath and told myself to suck it up. I was going to spend the weekend by the sea. I had family and friends who loved me and who would always be there for me. We were going to be okay.

  I packed an overnight bag and met Helga and Lieke at the train station.

  IT HAD BEEN A FEW weeks since I had heard from Red…well, actually I hadn’t spoken to her since my failed attempt to get pictures of her, so I was surprised to see she had called and left a voicemail.

  I wondered what she had to say. I smiled and bit my lip. Maybe she was up for some sexting after all. That woman was a feisty thing, and I had to admit I missed her.

  I had systematically jerked off thinking about her the last few days, which was the weirdest shit. I wasn’t exclusive with anyone in real life, and I definitely wasn’t exclusive when it came to masturbation.

  That was usually true, but lately my real-life action sucked ass. I hadn’t slept with a woman in weeks. I had no idea how long had it been since something like that had happened to me. Years. A decade, maybe.

  Actually, I had gotten…close to getting some one night recently.

  I had met a cute brunette a week after I came back from Amsterdam and we went to her place. Everything was great until… I didn’t know what got into me.

  It was fucking embarrassing.

  It didn’t…work. That had never happened to me before.

  I told the girl I’d had too much to drink, which was partly true, but that had never stopped me before. I told myself a few lies to nurse my shattered ego.

  I told myself she was too young, even though I had been with twenty-somethings until a few months ago. I told myself her shaved little cunt turned me off.

  Fuck, I knew all too well men loved that shit, but personally it creeped me out a little bit. I loved a nicely trimmed pussy, but there was something deeply wrong about a completely shaved one.

  After the disastrous experience with the brunette, I decided I’d give myself some time to recover. Thankfully, the girl didn’t know who I was. The last thing I needed was for some chick to spread vicious rumors about me and bury the legendary, mythical sexual prowess I was famous for.

  I decided to lay low and masturbate for the time being until I found a girl who got me really hard…so I fantasized about Red. I had all kinds of fantasies and setups to choose from. We had seriously fucked like bunnies the whole time I was in Amsterdam, and we’d done all kinds of shit…kinky stuff, too. Fuck, I missed her ass and her gorgeous tits. I missed that smart mouth of hers and the way it wrapped around my cock.

  Twitch.

  That’s all I had to think about for my dick to wake up and get a semi-hard on.

  Masturbating to Red was easy. Like I said, I had all kind of scenarios to pi
ck from. Maybe she was doing the same, using that vibrator of hers.

  She would definitely be up for sexting. The hard part was going to be figuring out what time would work for the both of us. I would definitely choose mornings.

  Giving my dick a stroke first thing in the morning always put me in a good mood…and it would be afternoon to early evening on her side of the world, which could totally help her take the edge off after dealing with a bunch of idiot clients.

  I was sweaty from lifting weights and needed a shower. If I’d had a private bathroom, I could give my neglected dick some much needed attention, but I had chosen not to have one. I loved showing my body to other men. I was a walking advertisement for the gym. I simply had to show everyone how cut I was; that was the biggest motivator to work out harder and get fit.

  It was still early in the morning and the place was half empty. No one was in the bathroom yet. As I showered, an image of Ally’s naked body flickered in my mind.

  Fuck.

  My dick got hard again.

  I changed the water temperature to cold.

  I got dressed and went to my office to listen to her voicemail. I closed the door and sat in my chair.

  I pressed play on the message, and I listened to her voice. She sounded hesitant, maybe even worried.

  “Boyd…it’s me, Ally. I…I have some news…”

  I stared at my phone for minutes before I could move. I was petrified.

  I was in shock.

  What the fuck? Was she fucking joking? Pregnant? My heart started beating in a crazy, erratic rhythm. My throat instantly went dry, and I felt my stomach churn.

  Pregnant. Ally was fucking pregnant.

  With a child. My child.

  How the fuck did this happen?

  My heart started hammering in my chest, and I broke into a cold sweat.