Let Me Go

by Lily Foster

  Cecilia Tate was someone I’d known since I was around ten. Our parents ran in the same circles and as we grew up, so did we. Cecilia was pretty, nicer than the girls she spent time with, and actually had a brain in her head. She was an equestrian who used to compete at a pretty high level before easing out of that life in college. I hadn’t seen much of her in the past few years and running into her last winter in Palm Beach was a blast from our sordid past. I always got the impression that while Cecilia participated in some wild nights, she wasn’t really one of us—she was certainly no Melanie. I had a soft spot for Cecilia but being around her again was another reminder how my two worlds just didn’t seem to fit together. How could I ever bring Kasia around this crew? Cecilia reminded me of the impending collision when I heard her talking to Delia excitedly about the upcoming weekend in the Vineyard. Weekend? Fuck me.

  In years past, most of the people gathered here tonight crashed at my house after the party for a day—or several. Cecilia, Melanie, Samantha…it would be a fucking disaster if any of them slept over while Kasia was there. I actually started to sweat thinking about it. It couldn’t happen. I made a mental note to call my mother tomorrow and have her arrange another rental house nearby to catch this overflow.

  I noticed Tripp and Delia talking with Melanie then. I wondered how he managed to pull off the loyal boyfriend act while in the company of the girl I’d watched him do unspeakable things to merely months ago. But sadly, I thought, I was cut from the same cloth. I knew I could lie with skill, act arrogant in the face of an accusation, and deny, deny, deny—not even giving a shit if I was ultimately found guilty or exonerated. Melanie caught me looking and shot a knowing wink in my direction. I was done.

  I called Kasia again and didn’t get an answer—third time. I had another drink with James and Charlie and then grabbed my suit jacket off the back of a chair. Melanie was at my side in an instant. “Don’t tell me you’re bailing already. I haven’t even gotten a chance to spend time with you.”

  “Mel, the only reason I agreed to come was because I thought you needed a friend.” I gestured around the room, “You’ve got plenty of people to entertain you here.”

  “Don’t be a little bitch, Dylan. Is this how it’s going to be now? Are you dropping everyone? It’s just you and Kasia…how fucking boring.”

  “Melanie, don’t.”

  “I like her, Dylan. You saw how hard I tried last semester. It’s Kasia! She acts like she’s too good for me!” Melanie said that like that was the most absurd notion.

  “No she doesn’t, Mel. Kasia knows we’ve been together. She’s just not looking to be besties with anyone I’ve slept with. You can understand that.”

  She looked at me wide-eyed. “You told her about us?”

  “Kasia found out on her own and she was cool about it.”

  “Does she know about New Years?” Melanie was now looking at me as if I was deranged.

  “You think I’m stupid?”

  She relaxed then. “Well, you know you have nothing to worry about. Tripp certainly isn’t looking to publicize it,” she gestured over to Tripp and Delia, looking cozy, “and Cecilia would never do anything to hurt you. She lives and breathes for you.”

  I rolled my eyes at the overly dramatic remark. “Easy now.”

  “You know that’s true. And you know she never does any of that crazy shit unless you’re around, right? Cecilia has always wanted to be…I don’t know…what you need.”

  I felt guilty and restless and was overwhelmed with the urge to just get out of here. I leaned down and kissed Melanie’s cheek. “I’m heading out. See you at the Vineyard.”

  She grabbed my hand as I turned to go. “Alright, I’ll see you then. And thanks, Dylan. It means a lot that you’d come thinking I needed you.”

  I smiled back. I had a hard time being mad at her. We just went back too far and shared too many experiences that were beyond private. She knew shit about me and I knew shit about her that could bring down business empires, prevent one from running for public office, and prevent significant others from committing to the depraved individuals that we were—or had been, as I hoped was true in my case.

  I checked my phone on the cab ride uptown. Kasia had pretty much ignored my calls and just texted back some bullshit about the band being loud. I wasn’t mad at Kasia. I got it. And after tonight, I felt hurt on her behalf. I imagined her, the quiet scholarship kid, enduring that uppity prep school environment while putting up with bitches like Samantha Paulson. I made a mental note that I wouldn’t leave her side during the Vineyard weekend. I would send the message to the entire group of society scions that Kasia was with me, she was all I wanted, and I was lucky to have her.

  Kasia

  I felt like crap all day, knowing that I’d probably made him miserable last night. That was my intention at the time but, after the fact, I’d gotten no pleasure from it. I wanted a do-over.

  I texted Dylan with directions for the train to Bedford Avenue but wasn’t surprised when a sleek black town car pulled up on the corner of North Sixth in front of a building that needed some serious TLC.

  “Hi,” I said, sheepishly.

  He hugged me tight and whispered as he nuzzled into my hair, “Hi, yourself.”

  I sighed, relieved that he wasn’t upset with me. “I’m sorry about last night…about this whole week.”

  “No,” he held my shoulders as he looked at me. “I know that I would have been annoyed if you told me Patryk needed you, so I don’t blame you. That won’t be happening again. It’s just that it…it’s awkward, Kasia, because our families are close. You and I are going to be crossing paths with that crew, there’s no way around it. But when we do, I want it to be us, together.”

  “Was she ok?”

  “I do think she was lonely for Christian and feeling kind of lost on her own but, typical Melanie, instead of meeting her for a drink, I showed up to a fucking soiree. I saw your pal, Samantha. You and Darcy were right—she is a bitch.”

  “Samantha Paulson? “

  “Yeah, Samantha was there and an admirer of yours, Charlie Price.”

  I smiled as I remembered him. “Wow, Charlie? He was so nice.”

  “He was praising your looks and your math skills.”

  “I think he tried to cheat off me in calculus a few times.”

  “I bet he did. Anyway, it was nice to see some of them but I really wanted to be with you. I felt like shit when you wouldn’t answer my calls, Kasia.”

  “I really am sorry. I was so angry with you, with her, with myself. I was wrong.”

  He swung my hand in his then, playfully. “Your mine, Kasia, and I’m yours, ok?”

  A smile spread across my face. “Yes.”

  I gestured to the grate-covered storefront behind us. “So, what do you think of it, Dylan?”

  “This is it?” I could tell he was trying to look impressed but as his eyes took in the somewhat gritty surrounding streets, he couldn’t hide his concern. “It’s definitely got that…urban vibe you’re going for.”

  I undid the padlock and threw the grating up before battling with the nearly rotted-out locks on the front door. Some locksmith this guy had been. “Come on in.” The dusty, oil covered shelves, the creaky wide-plank wood floors, and the antique lead windows were like an empty canvas for me. I was in Nirvana every time I stepped inside this place because I could envision what it would become. I pictured the Sweet Betty Threads logo brought to life on the storefront sign, the dresses that would hang on antique dress forms in the window, and the untreated wood, clean, open interior of the shop. I’d even splurged for a retro-look but modern, computerized cash register long before my father agreed to this deal.

  When I looked at Dylan he was staring at me smiling. “You can already see what it’s going to be, can’t you?”

  “Down to every last light fixture, Dylan!”

  He picked me up off the ground and hugged me tight. “It’s going to be great, Kasia.” He looked out the fr
ont window. “There’s tons of foot traffic, you’re right.”

  “I already had Darcy’s brother, Luke, and his wife, Kate, come out to take a look. Kate’s going to draw up some plans for me.”

  “Isn’t your dad looking to do the work?”

  “It’s a little involved. There’s plumbing and electrical to be done, even though structurally, it’s sound. And there’s the design factor too. This can’t be a gut and sheetrock job like my father would do. I need to keep the original details.”

  “If I can help in any way, Kasia, please let me.”

  I knew what he was implying and although it was a loving and sweet gesture, I was adamant that I would do this on my own. “Dylan, you’re sweet and I know you want to help me but I have to do this the right way. Alex is investing in me for a small share of the business and I’m using that start-up money for the renovations.”

  He looked hurt. “Maybe I want to be an investor. What can’t I get in on the ground floor like Alex?”

  I laced my fingers around his neck and dragged him down for a kiss. “Business one-oh-one, Dylan: don’t mix love and money.”

  We went two doors down to a wine and tapas bar. It was a cozy place with low lighting, where dark velvet banquets wrapped around small round tables. I practically sank into him as we sat down together; I felt so relieved to be back to our normal. “Kasia, let’s never do that again, ok? I don’t want to ask if you’re ok with something and then do it anyway when it’s obvious you’re not…and I don’t want you to pretend nothing’s wrong when there clearly is.”

  I let out a deep breath. “Agreed. I just felt like I couldn’t talk to you about it, Dylan. I always think of myself as this confident girl but there’s something about Melanie, maybe about all the Samantha Paulson-types in the world for that matter—that rattle me. Maybe it’s thinking that those girls are more what you’re used to—who you’re conditioned to be with.” I held my hand up to silence his protest so I could finish. “I don’t need you to tell me I’m worthy or I’m better for you than they are. What I was feeling might not have been rational,” I shrugged, “but it’s what I felt.”

  He nodded his head as he looked at our entwined hands. “I understand, Kasia, but you need to know that you’re everything to me. Everything.”

  We rode the train back to Greenpoint afterwards. By the time we got to my house, it was almost ten and my parents were turning in. They were happy to see Dylan and then left us on the couch watching a movie. “Kasia, I hate that we can’t stay together at night,” he whispered.

  “I know. It’s killing me too.”

  He looked towards the stairs to make sure the coast was clear and then grabbed me onto his lap, situating me so that I straddled him. He kissed me deeply, slowly running his hands from my thighs up to the sensitive sides of my breasts and then back down again. “Man, I love how your body feels, Kasia.”

  I reached my hand down and stroked him over his pants and then shushed him when he let out a soft moan. “I’m sorry, Kasia, but I want you.”

  “Tomorrow, Dylan. You have me all day tomorrow.”

  He situated me back beside him, laying me in the crook of his arm again. He kissed my head and then yawned, “Tomorrow.”

  Dylan wound up falling asleep about a half-hour into the movie. It was no wonder—he had been working twelve-hour-plus days, every day. I made him comfortable and then went up to my room, wishing he could curl up next to me. I heard my dad stirring at around six and went out to the hallway. Rubbing my eyes, I whispered, “Tata, Dylan fell asleep on the couch so try not to wake him, ok? He’s been working so much, he’s exhausted.”

  He smiled at me and kissed my cheek. “Hard work is good for a young man, Kasia. It’s good your Dylan is a hard worker.” I know he was pleased not only by Dylan’s work ethic but by the respect we’d shown him by keeping things G-rated while under his roof. He’d always want to think of me as his little Kasia.

  Dylan woke at nine to the smell of coffee and fresh-baked cinnamon babka. My father was already back from an early run to the hardware store and a quick fix at one of his properties. My mother and I sat at the table sharing the Saturday sections of the Times. Dylan looked gorgeous, hair sticking up, wrinkled clothes and all, as he made his way into the kitchen. “Good morning, everyone.”

  My mother smiled at him warmly. “I hope you slept well, Dylan. Next time you take Michal or Aleksander’s old room. I can’t believe Kasia left you on the couch!”

  “Mama, I didn’t want to wake him!”

  “I did sleep well, Mrs. Mazur. I actually feel great.”

  “So how is the job, Dylan?” my father asked as he handed Dylan a cup of coffee.

  “Thanks, Mr. Mazur. It’s going well. I’ve always worked there on breaks, ever since I was in high school, so I’m acclimated there. Just a lot more responsibility now and a lot more travel.”

  “Like last month, you’ll be in Asia mostly?”

  “No, just once or twice a year. I’ll actually be spending a lot of time in Chicago the first two years. I have to talk to you about that, Kasia. My father wants me there part-time starting next month.”

  “Part-time?”

  “Yeah,” he looked disappointed, “about two weeks out of each month.”

  I was trying to mask my surprise. “Wow, I mean, I’ll be busy too but that’s a lot.”

  My father weighed in, “That’s how it is. You do what you have to do when you’re starting out. You sacrifice.”

  My heart sank a little. So far, we had not done well with time apart. The look Dylan gave me conveyed his same concern. He smiled then as he grabbed the babka from my hand and took a bite. “This is delicious,” he said, finishing it and licking the crumbs off his fingers. “Anyway, Kasia, you’ve never been to Chicago. We can think of it as an adventure.”

  I saw my father’s hand stop mid-pour as he was refilling his cup. He didn’t say a word but I know he was irked by Dylan’s assumption. Mama and Tata were going to have to deal because I was not going two weeks straight without seeing him every single month.

  Chapter Six

  Dylan

  Tom wouldn’t budge. It would be my first July Fourth party without him since I started throwing these things. Little James was babbling in the background while we spoke on the phone, it was like he was trying to get in on the conversation. “Is he talking?”

  Tom laughed at my ignorance. “He’s only five months old, asshole. He’s just making sounds.”

  “Hey asshole, you better watch it or his first word will be asshole.” I’d missed Tom but guys didn’t say things like that to other guys. I also felt really bad for him; I knew he was missing her. He asked me if I’d seen Darcy. When I told him no but that Kasia and Darcy had been spending a lot of time together, he asked if she was happy. I said I didn’t know, even though Kasia had said that Darcy was miserable, devastated. He sounded miserable too. Since he was hell bent on cutting ties with her, I reminded him of the many willing, attractive women that would be at the party looking to take his mind off his troubles. That didn’t sell him and I felt like a prick after I’d suggested it.

  Ben would be there along with about twenty other high school friends. From UV there would be Melanie and Christian, Justin, Brian and Trish, Will, as well as a few more frat brothers and teammates. Then there would be most of the crew I’d just been with last week and a few other friends or children of my parents’ friends. It would be great if I could just entirely omit that last group.

  Kasia and I took a flight up early Thursday morning, two days early, and since my parents weren’t going to be there until the next day, I was looking forward to some time alone with her. I gave her the full experience; we drove in from Chilmark and rented bikes in town. We rode most of that first day stopping at the gingerbread cottages in Oak Bluffs, walking the shop-lined streets of Edgartown, topping it off with beers and lobsters before heading back. I loved being the one to show her new places. “Dylan, this place is …magical. I feel l
ike I’ve stepped back in time.”

  “I guess I’ve always taken it for granted but I liked seeing it through your eyes today.”

  She looked around the property then as we stood on the back deck of the house. It was a view, with rolling green hills and the ocean just beyond. She was mesmerized by it. “Just look at it.”

  I wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my chin on her shoulder. “I love you so much, Kasia. I miss you so much.”

  “I miss you too,” she said as she turned in my arms and rested her head against my chest. After a moment she whispered, “I knew it would be different when we were living apart, especially now that I’m back with my parents, but it’s so hard.” Her voice was cracking.

  “Hey, no, don’t cry. It is hard but it’s temporary. And we’re here now. I’ve got you all to myself.”

  She looked up at me and cracked a smile as she wiped away a stray tear. “You’re right.”

  “Get in the hot tub. We need to soak those muscles of yours after riding all day. I’ll grab us some beers.”

  I glanced back as I was about to walk into the kitchen to see her shimmy out of her shorts and climb slowly into the hot tub, testing the water with her foot first. Few girls looked as good in a bikini as Kasia did.

  As I grabbed our drinks and some snacks I thought, yeah, it had been hard. To go from spending every night with her warm, loving body in my bed to stealing two or three hours whenever we could was hard. Worse still was being under the watchful eye of her parents. I sometimes felt like a man in the middle of the desert with no hope of finding water. But tonight it was just us in this big house. It’s not that I wasn’t thinking about sex—I was—but I was also thinking about how nice it was going to be to hold her all night and wake up together.