by Shana Norris
“You’re there,” he whispered.
When he stepped out of my path and to my side, the valley opened up before me. We stood at the top of Chimney Rock, the flag whipping over our heads in the breeze that billowed around the rock. Everywhere I looked, I saw the sloping shapes of mountains against the blue sky. A lake stretched in the valley, the sunlight glittering on its surface. It was amazing and beautiful and exhilarating.
“I’m here,” I whispered. “I did it.”
“Scream,” Jude said.
“What?”
“Yell.” He waved his arm. “Let everything out.”
I shook my head. “Not happening.”
“Do it,” Jude persisted. “You’ll love it.”
“I can’t scream.” I looked at the other people on the rock with us. I didn’t want to be responsible for giving one of them a heart attack.
“Yes, you can. You can do anything. Yell!”
I sucked in a breath and then let out a yell. I felt ridiculous. Some people turned to look at us, their eyebrows raised.
Jude frowned. “That was pathetic. Like this.” He sucked in air until his chest was full and then yelled loud, his voice echoing around us. He yelled again, cupping his hands around his mouth and jumping up and down. They weren’t words, just sounds.
“Come on,” he told me. “Yell. It’s therapeutic.”
So I took another breath, closed my eyes, and then let everything out. I yelled until my throat burned and I had no air left. I squeezed my fists until my fingernails dug into my palms. Then I yelled again.
Jude joined in and the two of us yelled until we had nothing left to yell about. A few other people on the rock joined us, all of us screaming for no reason on the top of a rock on a mountain. I opened my eyes, looking out at the mountains and valleys below us. I felt free.
Jude shifted closer to me, his hand brushing mine. “Happy birthday, Hannah,” he whispered.
#
“Happy birthday!”
I grinned wide at the people around me. Some of them I knew—Jude, Ashton, Kate, Carter, Nadia, Syke, and Trent—but the others were random friends of everyone else. They had told me their names and wished me a happy birthday, but there were too many to keep up with.
Somehow, Ashton had gotten her parents to agree to let her throw a party in their house. When I asked her how she’d managed this, she had just waved a hand and said, “Oh, they don’t mind, as long as I clean everything up and don’t let their fish get broken.”
The fish was a giant swordfish that hung over the fireplace in the den where the center of the party seemed to be. Underneath, all along the mantle were framed photographs, porcelain cherubs, and a huge blue vase, but it was the giant fish that Ashton cared about. Every time someone moved too closely to it, she would freak and yell at them to stay away.
Ashton and Kate carefully set the huge cake down on the coffee table in front of me. It was a white sheet cake, with red flowers on the corners and “Happy 17th, Hannah!” written in swooping icing letters. Two big number candles, a one and a seven, sat in the middle of the cake, their flames flickering.
“Make a wish!” Ashton said.
I closed my eyes for a moment and then opened them as I blew out the two candles. People cheered, though probably because they wanted cake more than the fact that I had blown out the candles in one blow.
“Now your wish will come true,” Ashton told me. She picked up a knife. “Okay, line up for cake! And you!” She pointed the knife at a scrawny boy who was edging too close to the fireplace. “You stay away from that fish. I’m watching you.”
I took two slices of cake and then found Jude hiding in a corner. He had come to the party, but he kept mostly to himself. He shifted from one foot to the other as he looked around the room.
“So,” he said, “this is fun.”
I rolled my eyes. “Eat your cake.”
He took the plate I offered him. We ate our slices in silence, watching as the people around us talked and laughed and ate cake. I smiled.
“You look happy,” Jude said.
“I am,” I told him. “It’s weird. I don’t know ninety percent of these people and I’ll probably never see them again, but this is one of the best birthday parties I’ve ever had. Low key. No pressure. You know?”
“Are birthday parties generally stressful where you live?”
“You have no idea,” I told him. “Once, I made the mistake of telling my mom I wanted a ballet themed birthday party. I was thinking like a ballerina on the cake and maybe I’d run around in a tutu. But Mom decided that the party would be an actual ballet. So she found some ballet instructor to come and try to teach all of us how to dance Swan Lake. I remember the ballet instructor trying to convince my mom to just let us do some warm up routines or something, but no, Mom insisted on the actual Swan Lake dances. I was the Swan Princess, and it didn’t matter that I didn’t actually know any ballet. I was expected to perform, and so were all my friends.” I laughed. “I think some of them stopped being my friends after that.”
Jude cringed. “Yikes. My birthday parties were always just a cake from the grocery store, some half-melted ice cream, a bag of chips, and then we’d climb trees and watch TV until everyone’s parents came to pick them up.”
“Lucky,” I muttered.
“Hey,” said a voice at my side. I turned to find Carter standing there, his hands in his pockets.
I glanced at Jude, who was looking at the floor.
“I wanted to say happy birthday,” Carter told me. “I didn’t get a chance earlier.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
Carter nodded. “Well, I’ll let you get back to eating.”
He turned to leave, but then Jude said, “Hey, Hannigan.”
Carter stopped, his body tense under his T-shirt. He looked Jude up and down before answering. He still had a yellow bruise under his left eye and a scab on his lip. “Yeah?”
Jude ran a hand over his head. “Look, I wanted to apologize. For what happened. It wasn’t cool, and I’m sorry.” He held a hand out to Carter.
Carter looked at his hand for a moment, then reached over and shook it. “It’s okay. It’s nothing.”
“Seriously,” Jude said. “I’m really sorry.”
Carter shrugged. “I understand. Let’s just forget it and move on. Okay?”
Jude nodded. “Okay.”
They fist bumped and then Carter disappeared back into the crowd.
I looked at Jude. “So that’s how guys make up? Fist bump and everything’s cool?”
“Sure, I guess,” Jude said. “What did you want us to do? Hug it out?”
“That might have been entertaining,” I said.
Jude rolled his eyes. “Come on, Cohen. Let’s party before you get anymore crazy ideas.”
We tossed our plates into the trash and found a little place in the middle of the gyrating crowd where we could dance. I didn’t dance often in crowds. Zac had always tried to get me to dance, but I was too self-conscious of looking stupid. But right then, I didn’t care. I danced and laughed and enjoyed myself.
A crash and then a shriek interrupted the party atmosphere. Someone stopped the music and everyone froze in place.
“You dumbass!” It was Ashton’s voice, full of panic.
I pushed through the crowd until I reached the fireplace, where Ashton knelt next to the giant fish, which now lay on the floor. The fish was in perfect shape, but the huge blue vase that had been on the mantle now lay in a hundred tiny pieces.
She glared up at the scrawny boy who stood over her as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I can’t believe…I told you…Dumbass!”
“Sorry,” the boy said, holding up his hands helplessly. “At least I didn’t break the fish.”
“You scratched it!” Ashton pointed at the fish’s nose, which looked fine to me. “Do you see that?”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Get out!” Ashton roared at him. She bent over the fish, s
obbing so hard her shoulders shook.
I started toward her, but stopped when Carter knelt next to her, slipping one arm over her shoulder. “You should go,” he told the boy. He looked around the room. “All right, everyone. Party’s over.” His gaze met mine. “Sorry, Hannah.”
I nodded. “It’s okay.”
“I’ll help you,” Carter said. “Maybe we can fix it.”
Ashton shook her head, still crying. “My parents are going to kill me.”
Carter pulled her into a tight hug. “Shh. It’s okay. It’s not broken. Maybe we can touch it up so they won’t even see the scratch.”
Kate’s eyes met mine over their heads. She wiggled her eyebrows up and down and I couldn’t help grinning. Maybe all it took to bring Ashton and Carter together was a huge fish.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
My stomach twisted when the gray stone building came into view. I had seen it only once before, but I remembered everything about it. The perfectly manicured bushes cut into little balls that lined the path to the building. The sliding glass door. The iron bench out front where people could sit and talk.
“You okay?” Jude asked.
I nodded, gulping down the lump in my throat. I couldn’t speak. If I opened my mouth, I might cry or throw up or something else I really didn’t want to do right then.
I maneuvered the car into a parking space and cut off the ignition. Jude reached over to squeeze my hand. “I’m right here,” he said. “I’ll be here the whole time if you need me.”
It had been a long five hour drive and I was thankful for Jude’s presence. I hadn’t even told Aunt Lydia where I was going today. It was something I needed to do, without anyone who might try to give me advice on what to say. It had taken three days of arguing with myself to finally call the rehab center and ask for permission to visit. Jude had been surprised when I called to him early that morning and said I wanted to go to Keller-Burns, but he didn’t hesitate or question it. He just waited outside his house for me to pick him up.
I clenched my hands together, taking a deep breath. It was quiet here, which was one of the things I liked about Keller-Burns. The center sat surrounded by tall pines and oaks, which made it feel separate from the rest of the city. Even through the closed windows of my car, I could hear birds chirping around us.
Jude didn’t say anything, he just sat with me until I was ready to get out of the car. He held my hand as we walked across the parking lot. A woman sat on the bench outside. She was thin and gaunt, her cheekbones sunken into her face and dark circles under her eyes. She didn’t look at us as we passed and I had to repress a shudder. Did my dad look like that? He hadn’t when we’d dropped him off six weeks ago, but I wasn’t sure what to expect now.
The waiting room of Keller-Burns Rehabilitation Center smelled clean, like antiseptic and air freshener. We were searched for any prohibited items, which I had been warned about by the lady I’d spoken to when I arranged the visit, and we had to check our cell phones in at the front desk. We waited in hard gray chairs while someone notified my father that we were there. After a moment, the nurse came through a door and smiled at me.
“You can come on back, sweetie,” she said.
I looked at Jude.
“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked.
I bit my lip, then nodded.
He stood and walked at my side as we followed the nurse down a hall. Doors were open as we passed and I could peek inside to see patients sitting in their own rooms. Some looked healthy and coherent, while others lay on beds or sat in chairs staring out windows, their bodies so thin I could see bones poking through their skin.
My legs felt rubbery, but I pushed myself forward.
The nurse led us to a room near the end of the hall. She gestured toward the door, still smiling the same pleasant smile. How could she smile like that in this place? Did none of this, the way these people looked or the things they’d been through, bother her at all?
I paused at the doorway, looking into the room. It was a nice room. Peach colored walls, with pictures of forest scenes on the walls. A bed sat against one wall, the sheets neatly made and the one pillow propped against the headboard. It looked normal.
“Hannah.” My dad stood from the chair where he was sitting. He folded his newspaper and set it aside.
I studied him as he came toward me. He looked like the same Dad I’d always known. Maybe a little thinner, but not too much. His hair was still graying at the sides and he still had the same neatly groomed mustache. He wore gray sweatpants and a blue T-shirt. It was weird to see him dressed so casually. I was used to seeing him suited up for work.
He hugged me without waiting for me to make the first move. I stiffened as his arms wrapped around me. How long had it been since my dad had hugged me? I couldn’t remember, but a memory of curling up in my dad’s lap as a little kid flashed through my head.
I hugged him tight, burying my face in his shoulder.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered. He kissed the top of my head and smoothed my hair back.
When I stepped away, Dad smiled at Jude. “Hello. I’m Daniel Cohen.”
“Hello, sir,” Jude said, extending a hand toward my father. “Jude Westmore. I’m a friend of Hannah’s from Asheville.”
“Good handshake,” Dad said, beaming at Jude. He gestured toward his room. “Come in, come in. Sorry, I don’t have anything to offer you.” He grinned at his own joke.
I perched on the edge of the bed and Dad sat next to me, while Jude took the chair. The room was silent as I tried to think of something to say. Throughout the whole ride from Asheville, I’d been trying to figure out the best thing to say when I saw my dad, but I never did come up with anything. I had hoped that once I got here, the words would come naturally.
Dad put his warm hand over mine. “I’m sorry haven’t called in a while,” he said.
I clenched my teeth and blinked my eyes, determined not to show weakness. Dad never liked weakness. “Why didn’t you?” I asked.
Dad sighed. “I have these bad days, Hannah. Days when all I want is one little pill and it’s everything I can do to stay sane. Some of the people here are much worse than I am. I hear them crying and screaming in their rooms. I don’t want to be like that, but sometimes I feel myself getting close. Your birthday was one of those days. I wanted to be home, with you and your mom, and I hated that I was stuck in this place on your birthday. I hated myself for everything I’d done to us. I’ve been a bit depressed lately.” He rubbed a hand over my head. “All I’ve ever wanted was to give you everything. I never meant for it to end up like this.”
I wanted to ask why he’d ever started taking the pills in the first place, but I didn’t know if I was ready to hear the answer.
Jude cleared his throat. “I’m going to go see if I can find something to drink,” he said. “Hannah, do you want anything?”
I shook my head and Jude left the room, closing the door behind him.
I bit my lip. Dad shifted in his seat.
“How is your summer?” he asked after a moment. “Are you enjoying your time in Asheville?”
I nodded. “It’s good. I met some new friends.”
“I see that,” Dad said. He leaned toward me and whispered, “You know your mother would hate him.”
A hot flush creeped up my neck. “Jude is just a friend.”
“Just a friend who rode five hours to bring you to see your dad in rehab.”
“He’s a nice guy,” I said. “He’s been nice to me and he doesn’t make me feel bad about you being here.” The last words came out in a bitter tone. I blinked back tears, unable to meet my dad’s gaze.
Dad let out a long breath. “I’m really sorry, Hannah. I screwed up. Majorly.”
I laughed, harsh and loud. “No kidding. You almost died, Dad! Do you know how scared I was? Do you know how frightening it is to see your father on the floor, not responding to you?”
Dad cringed as my voice grew louder. “I have a
problem and I needed help.”
“You messed up our family!” I shouted at him. I had never yelled at my dad like this before. It felt good to get the words out, everything I had kept bottled up inside for months. “You made me have to lie to my friends about everything. Even Mom won’t talk about you being here, like you’re just on vacation.”
Dad looked at me with glassy eyes. “You’re right, and I can never make it up to you. All I can say is how sorry I am.”
Fury sizzled out of me and I slumped next to Dad, my throat tight with a sob. “I wanted to forget about everything this summer and not be myself. I wanted to be someone different for a while, but I could never really stop thinking about you and Mom.”
Dad rubbed my back. “You deserve to have some fun, to be just a kid for a little while.”
I raised my eyebrows. I had never heard my dad say that.
He laughed. “Don’t look so surprised. Being here has taught me that not everything in life is about getting ahead or being the best. I’ve put so much focus on building the bank all these years. Everything in my life was about getting to the top. I forgot to take time to relax and enjoy life. I don’t want the same to happen to you.” His pushed a lock of my hair back from my face. “I see so much of myself in you, Hannah. I’m worried that you push yourself too hard. That we push you too hard. I want you to be seventeen. I still want you to be the best you can be and do everything you want to do, but I also want you to have fun doing it.”
This was it. Now or never. “I don’t want to go to Yale,” I blurted out.
Dad blinked. “I thought you always wanted to go to Yale.”
“No,” I said slowly. “You and Mom always said I should go to Yale, so I went along with it. But it’s not what I really want.”
Dad crossed his ankle over his knee and folded his hands on top of his leg. “Okay. Where would you like to go then?”
I took a deep breath. “I’ve been looking at some liberal arts colleges. Some place without so much pressure to be the absolute best.”
Dad laughed. “Liberal arts! Your mom will love that.”