Tessa (From Fear to Faith)

by Melissa Wiltrout

  “No, no. I mean something bigger. How about a snowmobile? Or a drum set? Or–”

  “Or time spent with my family and friends?” Janet finished for her. “That’s what I really look forward to about Christmastime. Mom and I bake cookies and do a ton of decorating, and besides that I’m helping organize the Christmas Eve service at church this year. It’s gonna be fantastic.”

  Lois wrinkled her nose. “Whatever. We go to a Christmas Eve service. They sing all these dumb songs, and then the pastor gets up and preaches a long sermon. It bores me to tears, but Mom always insists I have to go because it’s Christmas.”

  “You should come to ours,” Janet said. “You’d like it.”

  “I can’t.” Lois waved her hands helplessly. “We’ll be visiting my grandparents, and we always go with them.”

  I snickered as I walked away. At the rate Lois was going, it would take her many days to poll everyone. Maybe by that time I could come up with something.

  Near the counter, I met Lorraine and Brittney. “You coming to Alyssa’s party tomorrow night?” I asked.

  “Nah. Slumber parties are kids’ stuff,” Lorraine scoffed. “I wouldn’t be caught dead at one of them.”

  Brittney laughed and agreed.

  “But speaking of parties…” Lorraine leaned close and whispered in my ear. “Is it true that your old man grows weed?”

  I drew back from her in shock. “Where’d you get that idea?”

  She just laughed at me. “Hey, you do that pretty good. You could be rich, you know.”

  I didn’t try to answer. Inside I felt a vague fear. What else did Lorraine know? And how did she know it?

  The question haunted me the rest of the day. Possibly Lorraine was just trying to feel me out. Of course, there were a few people around Northford who knew what Walter was into, but they also knew better than to tell anyone. Lorraine had to be just guessing. And since I’d reacted with proper astonishment, I was sure I’d heard the last of it.

  Heather caught up with me after school as I was hurrying toward the doors. “Hey Tess, you got a minute?”

  I would have ignored her, except that she was now standing directly in front of me. I exhaled to show my annoyance. “Not really.”

  “I’ll be quick, okay? It’s just that I’ve been meaning to ask you something, and you’re never alone. Tomorrow night Janet and I are going with some other young people from church to see a movie. We’ll order pizza afterwards. You interested by any chance?”

  I shook my head. “Nah. My mom doesn’t like to take me places.”

  “Then listen. If you want to go, ask her if we can pick you up on the way past. It wouldn’t be any bother at all. You know where I live, right?”

  “Uh, no.” I shifted my knapsack from one hand to the other.

  “My grandparents own that yellow house up the road from you. We’re neighbors.”

  I dropped the knapsack on my feet and said, “I didn’t know that.”

  Heather smiled. “Just think about it and let me know, okay?”

  I nodded and pushed the door open. I already knew I didn’t want to go. Not at the expense of being judged by a bunch of self-righteous church kids. The slumber party would be a lot more fun. If only my friends would quit teasing me about that technology stuff.

  On the way home, I posed my request. “Mom, I really need a cell phone.”

  Mom braked hard to avoid rear-ending another car stopping for a yellow light. “You need a cell phone,” she repeated. “Why?”

  I squirmed. “I just do. Everybody has them. I’m sick of being left out all the time because I don’t. I mean, it’s like I don’t even exist.”

  “Tess, I can’t afford to buy you something like that.” Mom’s voice was flat.

  “You mean you don’t want to,” I challenged. “You never did let me have any fun.”

  “Tess, that’s enough. I’m not buying you a cell phone, and that’s final.”

  Angry tears stung my eyes. “You know something? You’re mean. You’re every bit as mean as Walter!”

  All that evening, as I ate supper, dried the dishes, and worked on my homework, I fumed. I’m not a little kid, and I’m not gonna let Mom push me around like one. If she won’t get me what I need, I’ll do it myself.

  I waited until after I’d showered and put on my pajamas. By then Mom was dozing on the couch. Taking my flashlight, I padded into her bedroom and pulled five twenty-dollar bills from her purse. Never before had I taken so much, but I felt confident she wouldn’t miss it. If she did, chances were she’d blame Walter.

  Trembling with excitement, I packed the money in my knapsack along with a few underclothes and my frilliest pajamas. I could hardly wait for tomorrow.

  19

  It was a long time before I settled down enough to fall asleep. When I did, I dreamed I couldn’t watch the movies at the slumber party because they were designed to play on the viewers’ cell phone screens. But I awoke with renewed enthusiasm. Even if things didn’t go perfectly, I was still going to have more fun than I’d ever had in my life. Nothing could stop me now.

  I felt a pang of guilt as I sat down to my breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. What if Mom would miss the hundred dollars? I should put it back. But then I noticed her purse already hanging on the doorknob, ready for her to grab when we left. Returning the money now would be impossible.

  I haven’t done anything wrong, I reasoned, as I tied my shoes and pulled on my coat. Mom should have gotten me a cell phone. So I’m just getting one myself.

  “Ready to go?” Mom asked me.

  “Yeah, I guess so.” I couldn’t meet her gaze.

  I struggled to act normal on the way to school, fighting off the worry that kept invading my mind. I didn’t want to attract suspicion by any unusual behavior. But Mom seemed none the wiser as she dropped me off at the front entrance. I hurried inside without a backwards glance.

  “Hey, Tess,” Sandy greeted me. “You coming tonight?”

  I grinned and nodded. “Mom doesn’t know yet.”

  “Way to go,” Lois cheered. “You gotta live your own life, Tess. Why be hung up on your parents? Oh, I just know we’re gonna have so much fun with you! Wait til I tell Alyssa.”

  Sandy linked her arm through mine and together we walked down the hall. I couldn’t keep from smiling, even laughing, out of pure happiness. This is the way life’s supposed to be. Why’d I wait so long to do this?

  I held my head high as we walked into class and sat down. Across the room, Janet caught my eye and smiled. I looked away. Just seeing Janet made me feel guilty these days.

  At lunch, Lois pulled me over to sit with Alyssa and her friends. Alyssa was a loud, fun-loving girl who laughed almost as much as she talked. She had a good sense of humor and even got me laughing a few times. I could see why the girls flocked to her parties.

  As the lunch period drew to a close, Lois took me aside. “Hey, you gotta call your mom yet, don’t you?”

  I nodded.

  “Here.” She handed me her cell phone. “Just punch the number and listen.”

  My finger shook as I touched the little numbers on the screen.

  “Hello?” That was my mom’s standard telephone greeting. Flat, with an edge of rudeness to it.

  I swallowed hard. I had to say something. “Uh, Mom, this is Tessa. Look, I’m gonna–”

  I got no further. Mom’s anger erupted like a nest of yellow jackets. “You thief! What have you done with my money this time? Speak up or I’ll call the police!”

  I was speechless. Not knowing how to hang up on a cell phone, I listened helplessly.

  “Don’t tell me,” she continued. “You bought a cell phone. Well, you’ll pay for it. You’re gonna be one miserable kid when I get my hands on you.” Then the l
ine went dead.

  Thoroughly shaken, I stared down at the phone in my hand.

  “What’s the matter?” Lois asked, taking the phone. “Did she say no?”

  I shook my head. “I-I can’t go.” Tears filled my eyes. I stumbled out into the hall, shoving past Heather and a couple of other students standing near the doorway.

  “Why Tess, what’s happened?” Heather asked.

  Ignoring her, I started down the empty hall in the direction of my locker. Why wouldn’t that girl leave me alone?

  Heather caught up and began walking beside me.

  “What’s the deal?” I demanded. “It’s against the rules to be out here during lunch period, you know.”

  “Yeah, I know that.”

  For some reason that made me angry. “Then what? You obsessed with trying to help people or something?”

  “No.” She hesitated. “I know you think I won’t understand, but maybe you’re wrong. Will you tell me what’s the matter?”

  I walked faster. “I’m fine. I don’t need you.” I yanked my locker open and began shuffling through my books, keeping my back to her so she couldn’t see the tears welling in my eyes.

  “Tess, listen. I care about you. I pray for you every day.”

  “You’re crazy.” My voice was a choked scream. “Just go. Leave me alone!”

  “I’ll go if you want,” Heather said. “But I’m still going to be your friend.”

  I tugged a tissue from my purse and dabbed my eyes, then straightened and glanced around. Heather had slipped away. I was alone. I leaned against the open locker and silently cried.

  ***

  I had to force myself to walk out to the car after school that day. I slid into the back seat without a word and waited for Mom to scold me.

  She didn’t. As she put the car in gear and started across town, the silence became oppressive. I wanted to say I was sorry, but the words wouldn’t come.

  Mom turned at Willow Street and pulled into the parking lot of Allen’s Super Foods. Then she faced me. “Where’s the money?”

  “In my knapsack.”

  “Get it.”

  I pulled out the wad of rumpled bills and handed it to her.

  “No, you keep it,” she said. “Put it in your pocket and come with me.”

  As I followed her into the store, a feeling of dread tightened in my stomach. What was she up to? I never went to Allen’s with her anymore because all the clerks recognized me as a shoplifter.

  Mom stopped just inside the doors. “There’s a cart load of groceries up there behind the customer service desk. I picked them up this morning; but thanks to you, I didn’t have the money to pay for them. Now, do you want a cell phone, or would you rather eat?”

  I stared at her. “Eat, of course. But…”

  “Then you go pay for them.”

  I glanced over at the service counter. There sat Bruce, watching the whole scene with a look of satisfaction. I cringed. “Mom, please. Don’t make me.”

  My mother was unmoved. “You gotta learn somehow. This isn’t the first time you’ve robbed me. Now get up there. Or would you rather face Walter?”

  She had me cornered, and she knew it.

  “I hate you.” I glared at her, then marched up to the counter and slapped the money down.

  “Ah, Tessa.” Bruce gave me a long look. “So we meet again, eh? What can I do for you?”

  I could have killed him for that ugly smirk on his face. “I’m paying for them groceries. You know that.”

  “Which ones?”

  “My mom’s, of course.”

  “That’s $76.13.” He shoved the change toward me. “Now beat it, punk.”

  Mom came over at that point and took the cart. I turned and all but ran for the door. I felt angry and miserable and ashamed of myself all at once. I hunched in the back seat of the car, wishing I could disappear.

  Mom loaded the trunk and then climbed into the driver’s seat. “Never, ever do that again,” she said. “Do you understand?”

  I didn’t raise my head.

  “I did this because you need to understand how serious stealing is. Someday you’ll thank me for it.”

  Yeah, right. I felt more like punching her.

  “You should know that Walter once spent a year in jail for burglary.”

  Somehow the revelation didn’t surprise me.

  “It was a long time ago, back when your sisters were little. You worry me, Tess. You have a lot of Walter in you. If you don’t watch yourself, you’ll end up just like him.”

  Much as I resented the lecture, her warning stuck in my mind like a burr. What did she mean, that I had a lot of Walter in me? How could I, when I hated him so much?

  At home I locked myself in my room, partly because Walter was around, but mostly to avoid having to interact with Mom. I felt miserable. If only I hadn’t stolen the hundred dollars, I might be at Alyssa’s party enjoying myself. Instead, here I was, stuck at home again. Why had I been so stupid?

  ***

  The following day was a Saturday. I spent the morning sorting through the junk in my closet, the radio blaring to drown out my parents’ off-and-on arguing. Around noon, Mom dropped by to say she had to run a bank deposit into town. Normally I would have stayed home, especially since I wasn’t on speaking terms with her. But because Walter was around, I decided to go with her.

  The transaction at the bank took only a few moments. Mom swung by the convenience store across the street and bought some bread and a couple packs of cigarettes. Then she turned right on Bridge Street and began driving up through town. “Let’s stop by the bakery and get something special for dessert tonight,” she suggested. “Sound good?”

  I shrugged. “Whatever. Last I heard, you didn’t have money for stuff like that.”

  “You’re right, I don’t. I might not do this again, but I’m doing it today.” She pulled over in front of the bakery. “So, what do you want?”

  “Nothing. You’re just trying to buy me off over yesterday. Aren’t you!” I tossed her an angry glare.

  “Now wait a minute. I know I was hard on you yesterday, but you needed it.”

  I turned my gaze to the stream of cars rushing past my door.

  “You know, I don’t appreciate the reputation I’m starting to get as your mother. And it was very embarrassing yesterday when I went to pay for my groceries and discovered I only had thirteen dollars. Maybe what I did wasn’t fair. But all the shame and embarrassment coming to me isn’t fair, either.”

  I continued to stare out the window. Mom had it all wrong, but what was the point of arguing with her? Even Walter could not win arguments with her.

  The car door slammed as Mom left to go into the bakery. I glanced over, and my eye fell on the key still stuck in the ignition. The missing key! A shiver of excitement ran through me. Why not hijack the car right now? It would serve her right.

  My heart beat so fast I thought it would break out of my chest. I slipped over into the driver’s seat and reached a shaking hand for the ignition.

  At that moment, Mom’s words from yesterday echoed through my mind. “If you don’t watch it, you’ll end up just like Walter.”

  I hesitated. Do I want to prove her right? Isn’t stealing the car just because I can, something a criminal would do? Maybe I’m a lot like Walter already. The thought bothered me. After a moment of indecision, I moved back to my own side of the car.

  When Mom returned, she set the white paper bag on my lap. “I got your favorite. There was only one left.”

  I said nothing, but on the way home, I opened the bag and peeked inside. Sure enough, Mom had gotten me a cherry bismarck.

  I shook my head. She was still wrong about yesterday. But at least she wasn’t mad at me.
>
  20

  Mom and I spent the latter part of Sunday afternoon much like the other inhabitants of Northford – watching the football game over a bowl of popcorn. I probably should have spent the time doing homework, but Mom didn’t mention it.

  The game was a tense one. Although the Packers were a comfortable fourteen points ahead at halftime, the Cowboys steadily closed the gap after that. With fifty seconds left on the clock and our team down by three points, I thought surely the game was lost. But then we intercepted a pass and ran it back for a surprise touchdown, ending the game.

  “Wow, that was close.” I stood up to stretch. “Maybe we’ll make it to the playoffs yet. Can we have a pizza to celebrate?”

  “A pizza?” Mom looked doubtful. “I’m afraid not. There aren’t any more pizzas in the freezer.”

  “Couldn’t we make one?”

  Mom glanced from her watch to the cuckoo clock by the door. “It’s past seven. You want to start a pizza now?”

  “Why not?”

  She laughed. “Well, I suppose. C’mon, you can help.”

  I shredded two kinds of cheese, cut a green pepper and a package of cold meat into narrow strips, and drained a can of olives while Mom prepared the crust dough and sauce. After letting the crust rise a few minutes, we piled on the toppings and slid our creation into a hot oven.

  “You better take a shower while this bakes,” Mom said. “It’s getting late, and you do have school in the morning.”

  A tantalizing aroma greeted me when I emerged from the bathroom some time later. Mom had the table set and was cutting the pizza with a chef’s knife.

  “It looks good,” I said. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d had homemade pizza. Long strings of cheese trailed across the yellow vinyl tablecloth as Mom scooped a wedge onto each of our plates.

  “You’ll need a fork,” she advised. “The crust is a bit soft.”

  I took a bite and chewed thoughtfully. Our pizza tasted nothing like the frozen disks we bought at Allen’s, but it wasn’t bad at all. I took another bite.