Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "No worries really. Jarrett is gone, like I said."

  Ryan grabbed my hand and squeezed, letting me know that I was safe regardless. We got out and headed for the door, only to find the same line I dealt with the last time we were here.

  Chris and Reed were ahead of us, so we joined them, making for quite a few people to be pissed off. The four guys were a size that was nothing less than intimidating, causing them to quiet their complaints upon noticing. The line took only a few minutes before we were inside looking for a table. Kara and I let them find a place to sit while we went to use the bathroom this time. The line to even get in was ridiculous.

  "This is bullshit!"

  Leave it to my petite bestie to call it out loud and clear.

  "You can hold it a little longer, stop complaining."

  "No I can't, I'm going to piss myself in a matter of seconds."

  "It's moving as fast as it possibly can."

  I was trying to settle her down when, "Shut up! All of us have to go, you know."

  I couldn't believe it. The girl in front of us was screaming at Kara. What she didn't know is this little pixie never backed down.

  "Are you talking to me?"

  "You're the one bitching, are you not?"

  Holy shit this was getting bad quick.

  "Listen to me very carefully." Kara grabbed the girl by the face, "I am not a bitch until I...."

  "Whoa you two, this is not a cat fight ring, settle it outside."

  Before I knew it, a bouncer had both of them by the arm.

  "Sir, we just need to use the bathroom. I promise that nothing will happen. Please let my friend go." I sounded so stupid and I knew it, but this was crazy.

  "Do you both swear you're going to chill out? Or do I need to remove you myself?"

  "This bitch is screaming in my fucking ear and you’re going to tell me that..."

  "You're done, grab your things and tell whoever you came with you’re leaving, NOW."

  That girl didn't know when to shut up. Kara and I stood there just watching, as she tried her damnedest to get her arm out of his grip.

  "Let me go, you son of a bitch!" She continued to scream until she was out the door. Meanwhile, Kara and I just looked at each other and then busted out laughing.

  "What the hell was that?"

  "I don't know, why are you asking me? I have to piss so bad it hurts."

  "Kara, you can find trouble anywhere."

  "Whatever."

  We finally made it into the bathroom and did what was necessary. By the time we found the guys, it was twenty questions.

  "Where were you?"

  "What took you so long?"

  "Did you get lost?"

  "Is everything okay?"

  You can guess who asked the last question and you would be right if you said Ryan. That man always had a way of taking care of everyone, whether he was trying to or not.

  "Kara almost got us kicked out while we were in line for the bathroom."

  "That's my girl." Chad grabbed her and pulled her down on his lap. Of course they found a table in the back near the karaoke area. Reed had the book of songs and was going page by page, trying to find a Madonna song he could sing. Chris just sat back and rolled his eyes. Chris is the straightest gay man I have ever met. Reed is so opposite of him on every level, but they complimented each other, if that makes any sense. I looked over at Ryan and saw that his eyes were focused on one thing, and that one thing would be me. A smile took over my face. He matched me and then looked away.

  Reed was singing “Like a Virgin” on stage while all of us tried to not laugh. He was groping himself more often than he sang.

  "Why did we come here again?"

  "He's your boy toy, you tell us."

  "I have no response for that. You're just jealous that you don't have one of your own."

  "Kate can have me, anytime she needs a toy to play with."

  "Sorry Ryan, but she has enough of them in her top drawer."

  "Kara!"

  "I'd shut up if I were you. Your drawer has more toys than underwear and I'm always willing to take their place, you just won't let me." Chad was trying to help.

  "Aw honey, sometimes a woman just needs to do it herself."

  "Amen to that."

  Ryan looked at me surprised. "Really, you would rather have a piece of plastic versus the real thing?"

  "It’s all about timing."

  He got up from his seat, walked over to me and pulled me out of my chair.

  "Dance with me."

  It wasn't a question, more so a command. I let him take my hand and lead me out into the mix of people dancing to Reed killing a great song.

  "So I need to know something. I'm just going to come out and say this and then I’ll be quiet so you can answer. But I need you to be honest, okay?"

  "You're scaring me a little."

  "Don't be scared. Whatever you say will be what it is. I will always be here for you no matter what."

  "Okay, that didn't help at all."

  "Kate."

  "Yes."

  "Could you ever be mine? Do you think you could ever be happy with me?"

  "Ryan, you’re just being stupid, of course I am happy with you. Are you that drunk already?"

  "I need to know the answer to this so that I can move on, one way or the other. Where I am right now sucks."

  "I don't know what you want me to say."

  "I want you to say the truth. I'm so confused by you. Your actions are all over the place. One minute we are having sex, the next you’re running away acting like it never should have happened. Then you're jealous of anyone I date, but don't want me for yourself. When we are alone, it takes everything we have to not attack each other, but you seem to think it's the worst idea ever to be anything more than friends. I'm so fucking confused right now I can't see straight. Help me please. If it's gonna hurt, please just rip the Band-Aid off faster."

  I had no idea what to say. He just called me out on everything I had been denying. I was still playing with his heart and it wasn't fair. He deserved someone who knew what she wanted and that was not me. I had no idea what the hell I wanted anymore. The only thing I knew for sure is that I didn't want to lose him.

  "This is the best I can do. We go back to being only friends. We stop with the flirting completely. I can't answer you with a definitive anything. I don't know, but you deserve someone who does and that is not me."

  We were on a dance floor, surrounded by strangers and I was about to start bawling like a baby. I didn't want to lose him.

  "It’s going to be okay." He took his thumbs and brushed away the tears threatening to fall, hanging from the edge of my lashes. "I never should have pushed you, but I needed to know where I stand. Look at me please. I'm not going anywhere."

  I hugged him so tight. I hated hurting him, but I couldn't make him a promise I couldn't keep.

  "Hey," he pulled back to look at me, "I get it. Now let’s have some fun tonight. I heard something about you kicking everyone's ass and there is no way you can do that pouting like you are now. Let’s go get you a drink."

  All of the party mood had left me and I just wanted to kick myself for letting the fear of losing one of my best friends get in the way of maybe the best relationship I've never had. He took my hand and it was as if I woke up from a nightmare. We were still on the dance floor, yet we never danced. Ryan brought me back to the table filled with all of our friends. When Kara looked up and took in my facial expression, she was out of her chair and by my side in seconds.

  "We need a drink, badly. We'll be back."

  I was more than willing to get away, but as soon as we were out of their eyesight, she was turning on me.

  "What in the hell happened?"

  "I happened. I'm so sick of not knowing what I want."

  She didn't respond, she ordered two fireball whiskey shots instead and didn't say a word until the glasses were in our hands and we were finished drinking the liquor.

  "
I don't get you. Ryan would love you the way you always wanted, but for some reason he isn't what you need. Then, and this is a fucking huge one, the first guy I have ever seen challenge you comes along and you throw him away. You are the problem, you're right, and you are the only one who can fix it."

  "I didn't throw him away, first. Second, Ryan and I just have this weird, friends with attraction thing going on. I wish it was more for me but it’s not. I don't get butterflies in my stomach when he says my name. I want that. I know I would be happy but wouldn’t I be settling too?"

  "What you want is the fairy tale bullshit that you read in books. It’s not real. People are lucky if they find one person in their life that can be their best friend and they are attracted to each other. If you think that you would be settling don't do it, but don't throw it away either."

  "What was that, a ‘let’s state the obvious and not help but make it sound like you’re spouting wisdom’ statement?"

  "Exactly."

  We both started laughing our asses off.

  The name Tony kept reappearing in my mind as we spent the rest of the night drinking, dancing and having fun. Ryan acted as if our conversation never took place at all, doing exactly what he had promised me. Something about that bothered me even more. Was he really putting me first no matter what he felt? Why couldn't I feel for Ryan what I found myself feeling for a complete stranger? And how is it possible that I couldn't get the picture of that stranger out of my head, when I didn't even know his last name?

  CHAPTER 10

  Sure enough my brother did propose, and let me add to the craziness by telling you he also got her pregnant on that trip as well. It took a lot for me to except that he was getting everything I wanted before me. At least I can say that it never took away from how happy I was for them. He was scared to death to be a dad, but with Sadie by his side, he felt he could move mountains and he would for her, at any cost.

  The wedding planning was all my mother's doing. Once she heard that she could have full control, she went bat-shit-crazy. Well, her and the actual wedding planner that is. The dress she and Sadie chose was to die for, nothing short of what I would have picked for myself.

  Without a rehearsal prior, we all went into the wedding day blind. All the girls were meeting up at Sadie's work to get our hair and makeup done. I was so nervous and it wasn't even my day. The excitement that had been building up to this moment was surreal. I no longer had to focus on any of my issues when there was so much to be happy about. Which was the exact kind of distraction I needed.

  I walked through the door to the salon and was met by Sadie's mom Linda with open arms.

  "Oh my, are you not just a picture of pure beauty, and they haven't even touched you yet with a stitch of makeup? How are you, Kate?"

  "I'm great Linda, how are you?"

  "So nervous, I didn't sleep a wink last night. This is all so amazing. I'm so sorry, how rude of me. Kate, have you ever met Heather, Sadie's best friend?"

  I followed her to see a gorgeous, perfect in every way, had to be a model, girl walking toward me.

  "No, I can't say that I have yet. Hello, I'm Kate, Ash's sister. It’s so nice to finally meet you."

  "Me too! I've heard so much about you from Sadie."

  She reached for me and pulled me into a tight hug. These people were the hugging type for sure, but it didn't bother me a bit.

  "You're here!" My mother said, and I turned around to see her walking up from the back of the salon.

  "I just got here. You look beautiful as always, Mom."

  "Thank you, sweetheart. I can't wait to see Sadie. What a gorgeous day for a wedding. Would you like a mimosa or a bagel? I have it all set up on the back table."

  "No thank you, I'm too nervous to eat."

  "What are you nervous about; it is all going to be perfect."

  "Oh, I know it will, I just have this weird feeling I can't shake."

  "Eeeekkkk, aren't you so excited?"

  Damn, Heather could scream. I turned to see Sadie coming through the door, smiling bigger than I think I have ever seen. After I walked over to her, I couldn't help but grab her growing belly and bend down to speak to my first nephew or niece.

  "Let your momma shine today, okay Squirt?"

  "I have never heard anyone other than Ash say that phrase. Did you guys learn it as children?"

  "What phrase?"

  "Time to shine."

  "I honestly have no idea what you are talking about, Sadie. I just said what came to me in the moment. I just want you to have the most amazing day ever."

  "Thank you Kate. I love you, girl. It’s crazy that I am officially going to be your sister in a couple of hours."

  "Even crazier is that you are going to have my little brother as your husband."

  "That's not crazy. That's magical."

  Oh boy, Linda was on a roll. Thank God my name was called to go get my hair done. I followed the girl, who introduced herself to me as Susan, and let her do her thing. Heather was getting worked on right beside me, with Sadie behind us. I was learning a lot about Heather's fiancé Jason by listening to her and they sounded happy as well. She and Sadie were both so young and yet found the men that completed them, a little jealous you say? Actually, I was, a lot.

  When the stylist was done with my hair and make-up, even I was shocked at how pretty I looked. My hair was pinned back and swept over to one side cascading down in loose curls. How my dark hair shined made it look so elegant. My makeup was applied heavy, but she used the softest tones, making it appear more natural. Our dresses were form fitting, metallic bronze in color, strapless and paired with chocolate belts. Normally I saw myself as boring and average, but looking around the room, I was amazed. We all were stunning, not to be vain, it just is what it is. Sadie was indescribable. Beauty in its finest form.

  After we arrived at the church, it all hit me. My little brother was going to be someone's husband! Looking at Sadie with her dad brought me to tears. Something magical was happening and I was so honored to be a part of it. I wanted to sneak downstairs to see Asher but my mother refused to let me.

  "Let the boys be. I'm sure he is okay, and your father is with him. It’s almost time anyway. You will see him soon enough."

  "Fine, but I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him I love him."

  "Knock it off you two. We need to get going, let’s go."

  Linda brought my attention back to Sadie who was in the arms of her dad getting yelled at by her mother. My eyes started to water up again but we were all told to form a line and head down the stairs. The wedding planner was waiting for us at the bottom, where she then instructed us on how and when to walk. I glanced back over my shoulder at Sadie one last time and smiled as the double doors opened and I walked through.

  I saw my brother standing tall and proud at the end of the aisle. He looked so handsome. Nothing could make me smile bigger than knowing he was getting everything he wanted in life. Standing next to him was his…

  "Oh my God!"

  Everyone was already looking at me, but their expression changed when they heard what I said. I had no choice but to smile and keep on walking, when all I wanted to do was turn and run. There is no way that the Tony that Ash had been telling me about was the same one that I couldn't stop thinking of. No way! I focused on my brother, trying not to freak out. His expression changed to one of concern, as if he could read my mind. I was not about to ruin his day though, so I did my best to lose the shock written all over me and just keep walking. I never again looked in Tony's direction.

  “How in the hell is he here?” I thought.

  I made my turn and then stood, watching Heather come down the aisle. She looked so pretty and her smile, unlike mine, was genuine. I watched her glance over to her right and her face lit up that much more. When I saw who it was she was looking at, I about passed out. It was the guy sitting with Tony that night that gave away his name. After Heather turned her head back to the front, his eyes landed on me and then he
started to laugh. Laugh! Why did it feel like I was in the twilight zone and how did my brother have this alternate life that I knew nothing about? I searched for Kara and when I found her, she, Chad, Chris and Reed were all laughing as well. The only one who's face mirrored mine was Ryan.

  Sadie came through the door and everyone stood. The looks between her and my brother were heart stopping. They loved each other. It was felt throughout the whole room. I smiled as she finished her walk, watched as her father gave her away, and then he handed her over to Asher. My eyes found Tony, standing on the other side, staring straight at Sadie with adoration. Why, I don't know, but a pang of jealousy ran through me a little. He was flawless; his tuxedo fit him like a glove, his chiseled jaw and those lips, dear Lord! I forced myself to snap out of it and watched as my little brother married my new sister-in-law. The vows had me wiping yet more tears from my face. God was I happy for them.

  We walked back down the aisle together in pairs. I don't know if fate was messing with me, but I had to walk with Tony. When we were halfway out of the church he said, "I had no idea, I swear."

  Just hearing his voice again melted me. "Me either, I promise."

  "You are so fucking beautiful."

  I had no response, none. Who doesn't at least say thank you? I was too stunned to speak. Once we were outside, everyone broke off in groups to congratulate the bride and groom. I found my parents while Tony walked over to Jason, Heather and my guess was Heather’s parents.

  "That was perfect, just perfect!"

  "Yes it was. Now I get to say I have two beautiful daughters. What man is as lucky as I am? I don't think one exists."

  "We are so gifted to have her Michael, and the baby just makes it all so much better."

  I was trying to listen to them, but I couldn't stop watching Tony. Kara walked up to me, wearing a huge, shit eating grin.

  "Are you kidding me? You really didn't know?"

  "I had no idea! Can you believe this?"

  "It's too funny. What are the odds?"

  "I just don't understand how it never happened before today. I mean Ash talked about a Tony, that he was one of Sadie's best friends, but for it to be him?"