"I guess we just need to have sex and get it over with so we can move on and eat finally."
"Did you just really say that?"
"Say what?"
"Get it over with... finally eat?"
"Well I guess I did, but I didn't mean it like that. I was just saying..."
"Get dressed."
"What?"
"Put your clothes back on."
"Why are you being like this?"
He was gathering my bra and sweatshirt as I talked.
"Honey, you need to know one thing, I don't rush sex for anything, ever. You need to eat something right now and I can't watch you do it while I’m staring at your tits. I want you. Hell, it's not like it isn't obvious already," he made reference to his crotch again, "but tonight wasn't supposed to go like this. I came here to surprise you, feed you, and get to know you. Not to have sex with you in the lobby of your work. Please understand that when I plan to take you, it will never be in front of cameras."
"And here I thought it was the best, kinky idea ever!"
His eyebrows shot up, "Really?"
"Sure. I'm not made of glass where you need to be worried I will break. What more romantic place is there than right here in a sea of roses and candles? As far as the camera thing goes, it kind of turned me on to think we could watch our first time together over and over again. But I understand if you don't feel the same and just want to eat and call it a night."
Watching him process what I just said was the funniest thing I have ever seen. It’s not often the girl wants and the man turns down. When he decided how to feel, he looked up at me and said, "If we are going to do this, it will be my way. Let’s hurry up and eat so we can finally have sex, not the other way around."
"Stop yapping and eat then."
He tackled me to the ground, pinned me down and started to do the typewriter thing on my chest. I was screaming, laughing so hard I almost peed myself, while he continued to assault me. When he was finished, my chest was as red as a tomato.
"Oh shit, I'm sorry."
"Don't worry; you will be kissing it all better in no time."
"You surprise me at every turn. I'm going to love you some day for sure."
"How can you just say that like you’re saying the sky is a pretty color today? People don't just throw things like that out there. They think long and hard, wait until it’s the right time and make it a meaningful moment."
"I don't care what most people do, I'm me. I didn't say I'm in love with you, I said I'm going to love you someday for sure, and I will. That is if you don’t hate me by then."
I let him stew on that one while I ate a bite of chicken. He watched my mouth as I chewed. Either he was waiting for a response or just being creepy, I hadn't decided yet. What I did know is that the chicken was amazing. Either that or I was so hungry my taste buds loved anything that hit them.
I never did put my shirt on or answer him for that matter, I got lost in the food and forgot where I was or with who, almost. Four boneless strips later, I was walking back to the basket in search of the okra and crab rangoon. With the ranch already out and then grabbing some sweet and sour, I was golden. I continued to eat and eat until I couldn't imagine putting one more thing in my mouth.
"Well, the last thing I thought you were going to do was stuff yourself to the point where you couldn't move, but I'm glad to see you’re miserably happy."
"I guess I was hungrier than I thought."
"Don't get me wrong woman, for me there's nothing sexier than a girl who is willing to eat in front of a man and not worry about her figure. And yes I understand how much women obsess over the way they look, but with you, you're so Goddamn sexy, I wouldn't want you to change a thing."
I was just about to respond when a huge yawn came from out of nowhere.
"Let’s clean up so you can get home."
"Wait, what?"
"You're exhausted. This won't be the last chance we get, it was only the first."
All of the sudden I felt vulnerable and ashamed. Here I was, half naked and had been throwing myself at him for hours, only for him to cut the night off like this. I immediately covered myself with my hands and got up in search of my bra and sweatshirt.
"What are you doing?"
"What does it look like? I'm trying to find my clothes."
He shot up from the floor where he had been sitting and was in front of me in a blink of time.
"Wait a second, what just happened that I missed?"
"Nothing, if the night is over I need to get dressed. That's all, I promise."
How could I tell him that I felt stupid and wanted to leave as fast as possible?
"I don't believe you. I told you not to lie to me remember. Now, that was your warning. Try again, please."
Who did he think he is? And how did he know if I was telling him the truth or not. I dropped eye contact and turned away from him.
I continued looking for my clothes, having no luck, which made zero sense. They were right here! The candle light was burning low, which meant we didn't have hours more to do this. It wouldn't put it past me if threw them somewhere, just so I would have to stay here in misery. I finally gave up, avoiding him wasn't working. I turned to face him, using as much confidence as I could build in the situation and there he stood, holding my clothes in his hand. Had I been willing to look at him at any point over the last ten minutes, I would have had them on and been out the door. Well I can say that, but truthfully I'm lying through my teeth. I never expected for him, and I mean never, to be standing there holding my clothes with none of his own on. None! Tony Harrison was completely naked in front of me.
"What are you doing?"
I tried so hard to pretend I wasn't fazed at all by his little show, but there was nothing little about it and I was fazed completely.
"Just proving a point."
"What point would that be."
"Well, let’s see, you haven't looked at me once in how long and yet I still can't lose this hard on. Just being in the same room with you leaves me utterly out of control. For some reason you convinced yourself I must not want you. Look at me, Kate. I fucking want you! You go to the length of lying to me just to keep your pride. Then you have the nerve to cover yourself up in shame! Look at me, I want you, I will devour you. I was trying to take care of you, which is another part of being together. When you're with me, I will always make it about more than just fucking you. You're worth more than that. So don't ever doubt me again. Do you hear me? I want you to look at me, please."
I hadn't realized I had looked away, nor did I notice him walking toward me. When I finally met his stare, he was right in front of me, tilting my chin up to face him.
"If it didn't take away from everything I want you to feel, I would fuck you seven ways from Sunday right now, just to show you what you make my body do. But I won't."
A single tear slid down my face. He caught it with his thumb and wiped it away. I know what you think but you're wrong. This wasn’t me being a cry baby. This was me realizing I was falling even harder for the first man who ever convinced me that he really cared.
"I'm sorry that I lied."
"It’s okay but please trust me. I am going to make you scream my name and never doubt me again, just not tonight. It’s almost three o'clock in the morning and we both have work in a couple of hours."
"No way! Is it really that late?"
"Why else do you think when you yawned I gave up my chance? I'm no fool. Your boobs are going to become my new best friends."
He was rubbing them in circles, stimulating my nipples all over again.
"Keep doing that and we may never leave."
"Oh we will, I just want to kiss on them one last time for the night, and then we can go."
His head slowly moved toward my breast when I jerked myself back unexpectedly.
"No way mister, you start you damn well better finish. We have already established that isn't going to happen, you need to give me my clothes and go find y
our own. We still have a huge mess to clean up."
"Oh now it’s a mess, I thought it was… what did you call it, beautiful?"
"Do you need a pat on the back, buddy? You really did do an amazing job with all this. I was shocked and surprised, not an easy thing to pull over on me. I am very impressed."
I was dressed, just waiting for him to get his shoes back on. I had grabbed all of the dishes and the basket; I had no idea what to do with all of the candles and roses. I started to blow the candles out when Tony disappeared. Having no clue where he went, I continued what I was doing. All of a sudden the lights came back on. Tony came out of what looked like a janitor’s closet with a DVD in hand.
"Thank God you remembered that!"
"I already told you woman, this will be so much better than porn."
"I highly doubt you even need porn with the line of women throwing themselves at you."
"I'm not interested in them, but I am very much interested in getting off."
"Typical man."
"You bet your sexy ass I am. Oh, and Kate?"
"Yeah."
"I hired a cleaning crew to be here prior to opening. They will make sure it is all gone, leaving no evidence behind."
"Well if that's the case, I think I got everything. Are you ready to get some sleep?"
"The two hours left, I might just be better off staying awake."
"I'm thinking I caught the flu all of the sudden and can't make it in tomorrow, today, whatever it is, I'm going to bed."
We walked outside and Tony locked up the doors.
"Where did you find those?"
"I already told you, a man has his ways."
He slapped my butt, causing me to screech out loud but in a playful way as he walked me to my car.
"Where are you parked?"
"Oh, I'm on the other side. Don't worry about me."
"That's just silly talk, get in, I will drive you over to it."
"If you're okay with that?"
"Are you kidding me? I think we are way beyond that awkward stage, at least I'm hoping."
"I just wanted to make sure myself."
We got in and I started the car, letting it warm up a little bit. Tony took my hand in his and kissed it softly.
"I'm so glad you agreed to give me a chance, Kate."
"I can't believe you even asked."
"You wouldn't even give me your name the first time we met."
"I was too awe struck by your looks to speak."
"Oh, bullshit! You were shit faced with that asshole and didn't want to tell me."
"That's not true! What was the reason you didn't tell me?"
"I wanted to see if you would play along. I can't see spending time with a girl who takes herself too seriously and can't have a little fun."
"Then why did you ask me to dance? I told you immediately that I wouldn’t play your stupid game."
"And yet you beat me at it. That was genius. I never thought you had that in you. I knew then I had to get to know you better. Then you shut me down again."
"Well, that time I guess I did. I was out to have a fun night and didn't want to spend it uncomfortable with you."
"Kiss my ass! I'm not that bad."
Finally my car had gotten warm enough that I put it in gear and headed over to the back lot.
"No, you definitely are not. There was one thing you said tonight that I wanted to ask you about."
"Anything."
"You said you had been through some things recently that changed your outlook on life. I would like to say, whatever it was did a great job, because I'm really starting to like the man it made you."
I had found his car right away and was now parked next to it.
"Can the goodbye kiss happen in here though? It’s too cold out there for me."
"I will kiss you anywhere you will let me."
He leaned over the seat and left me with a kiss that stopped all of my other senses. He pulled back, gave me one last peck on the end on my nose and opened the car door. Once he was out, he leaned down into the car to say, "Cancer".
"What about cancer?"
"I have it. Good night Kate. You will hear from me sooner than later," and then he closed the door.
Did he just tell me he has cancer?
CHAPTER 12
It was days before I heard from him again. Leaving me like he did only made me question his motives. Why would he wait so long to tell me? Was he dying? All that talk about death and how easily he discussed it, worried me more than I wanted to let myself. He knew I wasn't going in to work the next day, why not call or come by so we could talk?
I sent Kara a text on my way home that night, knowing it was almost four o'clock in the morning and she would be sleeping. She responded at eight-thirty when I was gone to the world. By noon, I peeled myself from my mattress, telling myself a good long shower would help get my mind right. Wrong. Nothing was working. It was almost like he wanted to make sure I fell for him before he dropped the bomb. As mad as I was with his timing, I couldn't blame him really. When is the right time to tell someone about cancer? I would be a royal bitch if I turned away from him because of it. Maybe that was also part of it, he didn't want me to pity date him either. None of these questions could find answers on their own. Tony and I needed to talk; I just refused to be the one to reach out.
When I did finally get a hold of Kara, she was full of questions.
"What was it like? Did you wear what we talked about? Where did he take you? Did you end up back at his place? You had to have, to be driving home that early in the morning. Wait, was he shitty in bed? Was that why you left? Tell me it wasn't a coyote ugly deal, please. He's too hot to suck that bad. Did..."
"Kara, shut up!"
"Kiss my ass! I waited to hear from you all night until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore. Now you want to hold back? No way girly, not a chance."
"I got swamped at work so I forgot to meet him. He called me from my house when I didn't answer the door."
"You are messing with me, right? There is no way you stood him up."
"I did but I didn't. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't keep track of time. Kara, I felt so bad, but he understood completely and said maybe if it wasn't too late we could still see each other at some point. By ten thirty I was spent, starving, ready for bed and I knew I lost out on my chance. But when I got off the elevator, in the lobby was a candlelit picnic waiting for me."
"Shut up! No one is that fucking perfect."
If she only knew what I wouldn't tell her. I can't remember a single time in my life that I kept something from Kara, but Tony's cancer was not my business to share.
"He is."
"I want to say that you suck but that would be putting down what I already have and Chad is the best man ever. So, I will just say that I'm happy for you, honey. You deserve this."
"Thank you. I'm going to go back to bed for a while, can I call you later?"
"Sure, go rest it off. Love you."
"Love you."
I got nothing from Tony that night. The next day I fired my secretary and went to bed without a word from him. The following day, Ryan surprised me at my lunch hour.
"What are you doing here?"
"Hey pretty girl, how are you?"
He walked around my desk to give me a hug. I stood, grabbed on to him and squeezed myself into his mold. I loved being in Ryan's arms. He will always feel like home to me.
"I love the surprise; it’s been awhile since we have had something like this. What have you been up to?"
He walked back around my desk and sat in the chair opposite to me.
"Not much, what about you? I hear you had a great time the other night."
"How did you hear about that?"
"Come on girl, did you really think Kara wasn't going to bark at Chad to step up his game after the night you had? It’s all Chad has been talking about at the office. Some big surprise he now has to pull out of his ass so Kara won't be upset."
I
laughed, hard. Typical Kara thing to do.
"Why doesn't he ever tell her no? She could take it you know."
"You and I know that but Chad is oblivious. All he wants is to make her happy."
"Sad, isn't it? You have to have a good fight every once in a while to bring it all back into perspective."
"Speaking of which… Kate, I'm sorry for everything."
"What are you talking about? We already fixed this; there is no need to bring all this back up."
"But there is. I never got to say what I need to get out. I know it won't change anything, maybe that's why I have the courage now to say it."
I was almost scared to hear what he had to get out.
"I fell in love with you junior year. When Tommy broke your heart and you came to my dorm crying. Holding you, being the one to take all of your pain away, it was where I knew I wanted to be. I have always been there for you and I always will be. What I want and what I can have are two different things and I know this, but what's most important to me and always has been, is that you're happy. This guy is making you happier than I have ever seen you. Watching the two of you the other night made me realize you found it, and I don't want anything less for you. Does that make sense?"
I was speechless. Without words, I got up from my chair and walked over to him. I sat down on my desk in front of him and looked him in the eye, searching for the right words to say. What I found in his expression was pain, uncertainty and loss. His shoulders that normally were held back and his stature refined to the hilt were sagging in depression and I could no longer be the cause of this.
"I love you, too. You have always been there for me when I needed you. Don't let this change anything, please. I can't lose you."
He stood up, towering over me, and came close enough to raise my chin so he could let me know that it was all going to be okay. I could feel it; I wasn't going to lose him.
"Kate?"
My whole body went statuesque. That was not the voice I expected to hear say my name. Ryan turned to see who was at the door but I already knew.
"I think I should go. Take care of yourself pretty girl and I'm here if you need me. Always remember that."
Ryan walked right past Tony without so much as a nod in greeting. It wouldn't have mattered because Tony's eyes never left me. Once Ryan was out the door, I looked at Tony without saying a word.
Fearing Regret Page 15