The Weakness in Me

by Josie Leigh

  “Jason? What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Hey, Sara. Sorry, I’ll get out of your way. Your mom said she’s been out two days solid since she found out about Caleb.”

  “I know that. You need to get whatever this is out of your system before she wakes up. She can’t handle seeing you right now.”

  “Look, Sara, I don’t want to fight with you right now. I know she’s going to need a friend when she comes out of this, and I’d like it to be me… How’s Corigan? Do you guys need any help? I’m happy to, if you need me…”

  “Corigan is fine, missing her parents, but fine. We’re taking care of her fine, too- besides, she’s only eleven months old, she’s definitely not yours…why do you really want to help?”

  “I want to make it up to Sammy, anyway I can.”

  “Make what up to Sam? That her husband is gone or the fact that you are a lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch?”

  “From your perspective, I deserve that, but come on; you don’t even know the whole story.”

  “I know what I saw, Jason-”

  “No, you don’t, Sara.”

  “Oh? Then why don’t you enlighten me?”

  “I’d love to, want to grab a cup of coffee and go back in time with me five years?”

  “If I’m going to relive that night with you, I’d like something stronger.”

  “It’s ten in the morning, Sara.”

  “Never stopped you before…”

  “I’ve not drunk like that in almost five years, I promise.”

  “Fine, I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. And I need a clear head to know if you are lying, so I guess coffee’ll have to do.”

  **

  “Rosie, honey.” Samantha felt a whisper of a touch against her cheek. Her pain was gone as she opened her eyes into a familiar pair of hazel-green ones.

  “Rosie, honey,” the voice lit up her insides and she felt whole again, “you need to wake up. Corigan, she can’t do this without you. She needs her mother.”

  “I can’t, she needs her father, too,” Samantha answered, her voice coming out strangled with her conflicting emotions. “How can I live without you? How can I make this up to her?”

  “I want you to find a way to live again. You deserve to be loved for the rest of your life the way I love you. You deserve to have someone show you their love every single day you have left.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered, tears starting to fall. “I don’t know how I can fall in love with someone who isn’t you. I can’t leave you behind, I promised.”

  “Don’t hold on to promises you are no longer meant to keep,” Samantha felt the whisper of touch at her cheek again and tried to lean into it. “Corigan deserves a father, Rosie, not a ghost. Remember that, it’ll happen, when you’re ready.” The hazel-green eyes, looking softly into hers began to fade away.

  “NO!” she screamed and tried to hold him there, but he was gone. Thrashing at the air, Samantha tried to scream for him to return, but no sound came out. All she felt was the pain radiating from every cell in her body, except her heart, that was now numb.

  “She’s back!” a voice echoed as she opened her eyes and surveyed the faces staring down at her, doctors, nurses, and one more.

  “Oh, Sammy! Thank GOD!”

  “Don’t call me that,” she said, flatly, as the doctors started to clear out of the room and her nurse adjusted her IV pole before leaving, too, pretending not to listen to her interaction with Jason.

  “I’m sorry,” Jason said, letting go of the hand he’d been holding. “Sorry,” he said again, with a sad smile.

  “I prefer Samantha now,” she explained, staring at the ceiling, still unable to move her head to see if anyone remained in her room but not wanting to look at Jason, “I don’t think I can deal with you being here right now,” she choked out, the pain medication starting to take effect again.

  “At the heart of everything, we’ve always been friends. I’d like to be there for you.” His blue eyes softened as he looked down at her.

  “I’ve got plenty of family, I don’t need friends like you,” Samantha said.

  “Look, I don’t want to argue with you. I know you are hurting right now so I won’t upset you any further--”

  “What the I do you know about what I’m feeling right now? Have you ever experienced anything like this?” Samantha asked, venom spewing from her lips. She saw the shock register on Jason’s face at her words. “Let me answer that, no, you haven’t. Have you ever loved anyone more than you love yourself?”

  “That’s not fair, Sammy-”

  “Don’t fucking call me Sammy, Jason. What are you even doing here?”

  “Sorry,” he said, she was sure in regards to calling her Sammy again and cleared his throat. “My partner and I were dispatched to your accident. It was so hard to see you like that, like this,” he whispered.

  “What are you really doing here? Is it standard procedure for my paramedic to follow up? Or are you taking advantage of my situation?”

  “Because I care about you, Sammy-antha. You know that, right? Regardless of our lack of contact these past few years, we meant something to each other for several years before that. It doesn’t just go away.”

  “Yes, it does. I’m going to close my eyes, and when I open them, you will go away again,” she said, closing her eyes.

  “Look, I know you are angry at the world right now, and I’m the easiest target, so I’m not taking this personally. I’m going to give you the space you are asking for right now, but I won’t just go away this time. I will be there for you and your daughter. That’s a promise. I won’t let you push me away,” Jason said, before she heard him back out of the room. As soon as she heard the click of the door, she felt the first tear cascade from her eyes and wet her ear.

  “Fucking great,” she whispered to her now empty room.

  Chapter 2

  “So are you going to tell me why you’ve been so deep in thought this evening, or are you just expecting me to guess?” Caleb asked from beside Samantha, startling her from the trancelike state she’d been in as she stared at the fire. Enjoying a cup of tea after putting their daughter to bed had become a soothing nightly occurrence since moving in to their house a month ago. Usually, it helped them relax, but tonight, she was perplexed.

  “Hmm?” she asked, reaching for the mug of ginger peach tea he’d put on the coffee table for her. His hazel eyes moved leisurely over the lines of her face, taking in her emotions. Samantha watched his perusal, wondering if he’d reach the correct conclusion about the cause of her contemplation.

  “Did I hear you on the phone with your mom when I got home?” he finally asked before taking a sip from his own mug.

  ‘Bingo!’ Samantha thought as she turned her body on the sofa to fully face her husband.

  “You did,” she gave a weak smile at his spot on assessment.

  “What happened?”

  “She and Jess ran into an old friend of mine at the mall today. I was just giving some thought as to whether I was willing or not to respond to her request,” Samantha shrugged, taking another sip of the hot beverage and returning her gaze to the fire, without moving the rest of her body.

  “Jason?” Caleb asked, putting his mug on the coffee table and sliding his leg onto the leather sofa to mirror her position. Caleb grabbed her mug and placed it beside his when she nodded. “Any decision?”

  “My mom says that it’s been nearly five years and that’s true…”

  “Yeah,” Caleb agreed.

  “And I forgive him for what happened…I’m just not sure I’m ready to be friends again,” Samantha’s green eyes searched Caleb’s for a hint at his feelings over this conversation, but only saw trust and devotion.

  “I understand that, but he’s your oldest friend, honey,” Caleb started. “Do you want to be friends with him, but are afraid of what people from home would say? Is that what your hesitation is?”

  “What do you mean?” Saman
tha asked in a way that she hoped didn’t convey that she knew what he was saying, but that she wanted him to spell out his position for her.

  “You guys come from a really small town, and people talk,” Caleb shrugged. “I can’t go into a store in Covington without someone asking me how I feel about being a consolation prize,” he laughed. “People took your breakup harder than Brad and Jen’s! They’ve done everything but make up Team Jason and Team Caleb shirts!”

  “OH MY GOD! I had no idea they did that to you!” Samantha’s laughter echoed through the cavernous living room. “Have they looked at you? You are no one’s consolation prize!” she flirted.

  “I know!” he agreed, laughing with her. “Apparently they didn’t check out the ‘gun show’,” Caleb flexed his muscle and waggled his eyebrows at her.

  “You mean your pea shooter?” Samantha’s eyes dropped to his waist with a smirk as Caleb’s mouth dropped open. “Sorry! That was too easy!” she giggled, her smirk broke into a full toothed smile.

  “You’re lucky I know your sense of humor and I don’t have a shortage of confidence, or I’d have to put you over the back of this couch to remind you how formidable my desert eagle can be! Or should I do that anyway?” Caleb raised his eyebrows in challenge.

  “Why do you think I said it?”Samantha gazed at him through her lashes, desire pulsating between them.

  “I will, and that’s a promise, but after we finish this conversation,” The passion in Caleb’s eyes shifted back to the support he was exuding previously. “Do you still think of him that way? Or is it just the gossip train?”

  “Above everything, he was my best friend for fifteen years,” Samantha shrugged again. “I miss his friendship, that’s all. But even that, I don’t think I miss it enough to put up with the drama and questions. I don’t know if it’s worth it to have a friendship I’d constantly have to defend,” she sighed. “Besides, at a certain point, not talking to him just became the norm and I’m comfortable with that,” Samantha answered, honestly. “Like I said, I’ve forgiven him for what happened and I’ve moved on, I’m just not sure I want to be his friend again.”

  “Well, just know, I’m behind whatever decision you make, Rosie,” Caleb’s hands framed her face before slipping one into her hair to massage her scalp just above her neck. Samantha resisted purring at the contact as she listened to his words. “I know you love me and that our future is together, but I don’t want you to spend your life missing a friend because you are afraid of what people might think,” his hazel eyes conveying that his words were the truth. “The only thing that matters is what we know,” he emphasized, pulling her forward to rest their foreheads against each other so she could look deeper into his eyes. “I know the power of first love, honey, but I have no doubt where your heart lies now.”

  “Always,” she whispered, the love she felt bursting through every blood vessel in her body, flooding her with sensation. Just knowing if she ever changed her mind about Jason’s friendship he’d be supportive meant everything.

  “Now, where do I get this ‘Team Caleb’ t-shirt you’re talking about?” Samantha asked against his lips as he finally pulled her into his lap and made good on his promise to remind her how lethal his ‘desert eagle’ could be to her senses.

  Samantha sighed from her hospital bed, staring at the discolored ceiling tiles above her, knowing that if she were to let Jason back into her life, Caleb would be supportive. It just didn’t seem like this was the most appropriate time to rediscover their friendship. She knew she’d been harsh with him, but she didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t Caleb, Caleb was never coming back.

  On the other hand, she knew she needed a friend like Jason. All of her friends would remind her of Caleb and they times they’d spent together. She knew her family would be there for her, but had a tendency to smother her when she was in pain. Jason could be an impartial friend who wouldn’t remind her of time she’d spent with Caleb. Sighing again, she knew she’d keep going back and forth on this for awhile.

  “Why the sighs?” her mom, Kelly, asked from the chair beside her bed.

  “Nothing, just trying to figure out how all of this works now,” Samantha told her, wishing she could have this conversation facing her mother, instead of just outwardly to the room.

  “How what works?” her mom’s face came into focus above her as if she’d read her mind.

  “Caleb not being here, Jason wanting to be my friend again…” Samantha sighed again.

  “I don’t think there was ever a time that Jason didn’t want to be your friend again. He’s missed you,” she pointed out, moving a piece of hair from Samantha’s face. “And you’ve missed him, too. Otherwise it wouldn’t be weighing on your mind so much right now.”

  “We talked about it once…Caleb and I,” Samantha’s eyes flicked away from her mother’s briefly.

  “And?”

  “He said he understood and would be supportive if I decided to call Jason. He didn’t want to come between nearly two decades of friendship, because Caleb had no doubt who had my heart.”

  “He was such a good man,” Kelly smiled down at Samantha, unshed tears in her eyes.

  “He was,” she agreed. “I think after I recover, I might start slowly with Jason again. See if we can get our friendship back to where it was before all the drama, you know?”

  “If you let him, he’d be there for you like he always was,” her mom’s face more stern than she’d seen it earlier in the conversation. “Why wait?”

  “Because Caleb’s gone, and I don’t have the strength it takes to just welcome him back into my life right now. Maybe in six months or so, or a year, but I can’t deal with my husband being gone and playing ‘let’s reminisce’ with Jason,” she groaned.

  “Then tell him that, honey. He’d understand that now isn’t the time to delve into the past. I’m sure he already knows that, because he knows you,” her mom was rubbing small circles on the back of Samantha’s hand.

  “He doesn’t know me anymore, and that’s part of what I’m too tired to think about. Learning about each other again…what if we can’t get that friendship back? Wouldn’t it be better to have the great memories and one bad one than to try to be friends and it’s a mess. Why create a bunch of new bad memories and ruin all the good? We aren’t 14 anymore, which was the last time we were just friends…what if he can’t stay platonic?”

  “Aren’t you presumptuous? How do you even know if he’s single? Besides, I know you can get that friendship back, you just have to be willing to try.”

  **

  Upon entering his condo, Jason didn’t even bother to turn on the lights and threw his keys on the side table harder than he intended. It had been five years, but he knew he had a long way to go to get back into Sammy’s good graces. He’d never seen her so angry and sad at the same time, even as he was watching her walk away from him. He wanted to do whatever he could to take away the pain. He wanted to make life easy for her again. Not knowing how to do that, he picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number, but one he never thought he’d have the right to call again.

  “What do you need me to do?” he asked the answering voice. “I know she’s not going to be happy about it, but I know she’s going to need help. I told her I wasn’t going to let her push me away.” Conceding to his insistence, the person he’d called started to list ways Sammy was going to need help over the coming months.

  As he listened to the plan of action, he started rearranging his schedule in his head to make room for all that Sammy would need until her rehabilitation was complete. When he learned she wouldn’t even be able to drive for awhile, he realized just how long her return to peak physical health would take. He wondered if the news she wouldn’t be able to drive was comforting to her after the accident, or if the control freak inside her would go stir crazy having to depend on other people so much.

  Her injuries were far more severe than he’d known, even though he was the one who pulled her from the car. De
nial of how close she’d come to dying with Caleb was the only thought ringing through his head as he agreed to everything that was asked of him before ending the call.

  Heavily, he sat on his army green corduroy couch. As the full weight of everything that had happened over the last two weeks hit him, tears began to cascade down his face, unchecked. ‘I can’t believe how close I came to losing Sammy…she’s not mine, but just knowing she was out there in the world existing was enough. If I hadn’t been her paramedic, would I have ever known how close she’d been to dying?’ Jason knew the answer to that question was no. If she’d died in that accident, he would’ve seen the obituary like everyone else, like a stranger who hadn’t known her for the majority of his life. That was unacceptable and had to change right away.

  He wanted back into her heart, but he wasn’t holding his breath for that to happen anytime soon. Friendship was the only branch she might be willing to offer, and even that was going to be an uphill battle. Maybe when she was well enough to return home, they could work on the friendship they’d lost over something that never happened. Sammy would have to forgive him for what she thought happened before he could tell her the truth about that night. Jason would hold on to the possibility that once she finally learned the truth, she would let herself love him again.

  Chapter 3

  The next couple of months passed slower than any other period in Samantha’s life. Between physical therapy and living with her younger sister, Sara, so that she had consistent help with Corigan until she could finish her first stage of recovery, she felt like time should be flying. Yet, every day without being able to see or talk to Caleb felt like torture. Sleep was elusive and she tried hard not to wallow in self-pity and despair.

  Out of everything that had occurred in the past two months, Corigan’s first birthday had been the biggest reminder that Caleb was gone and the hardest day to get through since she found out he was gone. However, time started to dull the edges a little. ‘Or was it the pain medication she was prescribed?’ she wondered. Yet, nothing could take away the pain she was in for today. Today was the day she and Corigan were moving back home. They’d only had eight months of bliss in this home that they’d picked out to grow old in together, but right now, it only symbolized the future they’d lost in the accident. The only thing that would be more difficult would be her second wedding anniversary, but she had nearly three more months to prepare for that bullet.