The Weakness in Me
Page 4
“Stop playing dolls with Sara and McKenna! Come to the park and play kickball with me!” He told her.
“Why? You said girls suck at kickball yesterday when Davey asked you to ditch me!” she pouted.
“I was wrong!” he stamped his foot. “Davey sucks at kickball and I need you on my team so we can beat his!”
“No,” she said, pushing back into her room.
Running his hands through his bowl-cut blonde hair, he growled in frustration. She could be so stubborn sometimes.
“Fine! What do you want?” he asked the empty window. “Tell me and I’ll do it, Sammy! I’m sorry I doubted you.”
“Well, that’s a start,” she snorted, walking out her front door in a pair of short green gym shorts and a black tank top. “I knew you’d grovel and beg, and I need you to do my chores for a week,” she shot him a devilish grin.
“All of them?” he groaned at the thought of cleaning up after four girls, in addition to the four he helped clean up after at home.
“Yup,” she said, popping the p in emphasis. “McKenna agrees that you made a severe miscalculation yesterday. You know you’ve always been able to count on me…you should never doubt me again.” She started the walk toward the park, swaying her hips in rhythm with her words. Instantly, he knew she was attempting to bring him to his knees. He would hate the idea very much, if it weren’t working.
‘When did she start to grow hips?’ he asked himself as the sway continued to mesmerize him. Realizing that he’d fallen far behind her, he ran to catch up.
She stopped and turned on him when he yanked on her long, chocolate brown braid. “I’m sorry,” he squeaked into her annoyed gaze.
“Not yet,” she smiled, “but you will be,” she finished, before taking off in a full sprint. It was then he realized he was in love with her.
‘Is it even possible to be in love at ten?’ he wondered as he chased after her as if he had no choice but to follow her anywhere she went. Oh yes, he was in love alright, but he also knew, he was in big trouble because she was already his life. He wondered if she would always be this stubborn and if he’d always give in to her
.
**
“But, come on, mom! Sara said you don’t have plans. We need a ride to the appointment. Please,” Samantha pleaded from her kitchen table, looking at the dark clouds hanging over the lake and hating that she couldn’t just drive her daughter to her appointment herself. Depending on other people was really starting to get old.
“Your sister does not know my detailed itinerary, because I do have plans with Jessica today. I’m sorry, Sam,” her mother, Kelly, explained, curtly. “I know Jason is there with you and Corigan today, can’t he take you?”
Samantha let out a frustrated growl, because this was exactly the reason she was asking her mother for help. She didn’t want to ask Jason. She didn’t want to feel more in debt to him than she already felt she was. She also didn’t want to sound like the whiny, spoiled child her mother would tell her she was if she explained why she didn’t want to ask Jason either, though.
She did have to admit the last week and a half had been alright, and she was surprised to find it was easy to fall back into their friendship. What she really didn’t want to admit it to herself, was that even though she denied it, she had missed her friend over the last five years. She knew what hurt the most when they split wasn’t the fact that she’d lost her fiancé, but that she’d lost her best friend.
“I guess I could ask him,” Samantha said, begrudgingly.
“That’s my girl,” she could hear the smile in her mom’s voice as she hung up and went in search of Jason. Her irritation at being forced to ask him for help again softened as she watched him patiently helping Corigan into her fleece jumper with orange monkeys, Samantha’s favorite, in her bedroom. Samantha’s eyes took in the pale pink princess themed room and the toys that needed to be cleaned up in the corner before clearing her throat to announce her presence.
“Oh, hey, Sammy, what’s up?” he asked, looking up from the intense concentration he was putting into getting the fourteen month old dressed.
“Sara was supposed to pick Corigan and me up for her annual well check. She got called into a meeting, and Mom and Jessica aren’t available either. I already had to reschedule the appointment three times because of the accident and everything,” she explained, leaning against the door frame, her arms crossed over her blue t-shirt as she continued to watch him struggle with the jumper.
“Um, was there supposed to be a question in there somewhere?” he asked, raising his eyebrow in amusement. She knew he’d caught her watching his muscles jump under his own green crew neck as he wrestled Corigan’s arm into a sleeve. ‘Where had those muscles come from?’ she wondered before clearing her throat at his inquiry.
“Yeah, um,” she started, moving her eyes from his movements back to his face. “I really don’t want to have to ask you, but it seems like I’ve been backed into a corner by my family, and I’m left to question whether or not it wasn’t intentional, but are you available to take us to her appointment?” Samantha’s jaw clenched throughout the question, as if it physically pained her to ask him for a favor.
“Sure, I’m free all day, Sammy. I’m here to help you, please don’t think twice about asking for a favor like this,” Jason smiled up at her and finally got Corigan’s other arm into the jumper. “HA!” he said in triumph. “I think this one is getting a little small, don’t you think?”
“I’d have to agree,” Samantha admitted, accepting his words. “It’s just one of my favorites. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it,” she frowned. “But, anyway, the car seat is in my car, if you want to just drive it?” she offered.
“That sounds like a plan, because I don’t know how your hip would do climbing in and out of my truck.” Jason smiled at Samantha as he stood and lifted Corigan into his arms. “Do you have the bag packed already?”
“Um, yeah, it’s over there,” Samantha pointed to the diaper bag resting at the base of the changing station, behind Corigan’s tiny drum kit. “We still have a little bit before we have to leave, though. The appointment isn’t for another 90 minutes or so” she continued.
“But it’s coming down in sheets out there now, so it’s better to allow us time for the weather, right?” he asked, signaling to the bedroom window before throwing the diaper bag over his opposite shoulder.
“You’re right! It wasn’t raining when I came down here to find you,” she said before nodding to Jason being loaded down with her daughter and her supplies and asking, “Are you like a nanny pro already, Jason?” She was truly shocked at how quickly he’d adapted to helping with Corigan.
“I do this with my nephew all the time,” he reminded, looking wounded at her assumption that he wouldn’t be a good caretaker.
“Oh yeah, sorry,” Samantha said, contritely, remembering that he was a dutiful Uncle, as she followed him out the door and up the stairs to the garage.
**
Jason kept his eyes glued to the road as the rain started to pound harder on the freeway between Auburn and Kent. Corigan’s appointment had gone well, except for the shots, but she was already sleeping peacefully in the backseat of Sammy’s Toyota. He hoped the pain the baby had experienced was now a distant memory.
“It’s really coming down now, isn’t it?” Sammy said, making small talk, watching the wipers move back and forth.
“Yeah, but, at least, it’s rain. It’ll be snow soon enough,” he pointed out.
“Don’t remind me,” she growled, laying her head back against the headrest. “I used to love it when it would rain like this. I felt like God was wiping the slate clean so that we could start fresh when it was over. Now, I’m not so sure,” she mused, her eyes closed. “I feel like no matter how hard it rains, the slate will still have that faint hint of the writing that was there before. Like this time, it was etched in.” Jason’s heart clenched at her words and tone, she sounded broken, lost.
“Shit!” he yelled as he felt control of the car start to get away from him. Slowly, Jason let his foot off the gas to keep from hydroplaning in the heavy rain and guided the car toward the side of the road. He’d just gotten the car safely to the shoulder of the freeway when he noticed Sammy’s white knuckles clutching the arm rest, her face had gone pale and her features were frozen in fear. Taking a deep breath to calm his own nerves first, he began to reach out for her.
“It’s okay, Sammy,” he soothed, moving his hand calmingly at the base of her scalp was second nature. The reaction had been involuntary to seeing her panic, and he hoped she would let him comfort her. “The tire blew. We are on the side of the road, we are safe,” he said, slowly. Unbuckling her seat belt, he pulled her closer to him, rocking her back and forth as he massaged her head.
“Breathe with me,” he continued, when he noticed that she was truly frozen in fear and had all but completely stopped breathing. Inhaling deeply, he implored her to match the rhythm of his respirations. Slowly, she started to melt into his embrace as her fear began to subside. “We’re okay, everything is okay, we’re okay, everything is okay,” he chanted to her softly until he finally felt she was stable enough to release.
“I need to go and change the tire. I’ll be right back,” he said, trying to move her back to the passenger seat, but she clung to him in response.
“Wait! Not yet,” she said, panicked, gripping his arms so tightly he winced in pain. “Please, don’t leave yet,” her voice more desperate than he’d ever heard it. He knew she was in the midst of a panic attack, and leaving her in this state was not an option, even to change the tire to get them home.
“Okay,” he whispered, pulling her back into his chest.
“I have triple A,” she said, looking up at him, her eyes still wild with fear. “Maybe we can just call them to tow us back to the house and we can change the tire after the rain stops. I don’t want anything to bad to happen when the visibility is low like this,” she offered, talking almost hysterically as she blindly reached behind her to pull her cell phone out of her purse from its spot on the floorboard.
“That’s fine, Sammy. Whatever you need,” Jason said, with a calm tone. He had to try hard to focus on getting her past the episode, rather than the feel of her in his arms and the smell of vanilla wafting into his nose. He stifled a sigh at how right it felt, even if the situation was wrong. Watching her closely, he knew from the slow change in Sammy’s eyes, from wild with panic to calm, as she called for the tow truck, she was finally starting to trust him again.
**
Two hours later, the awareness of everything that had happened over the last few hours began to sink in. Samantha, now, felt mortified by her reaction to the blow out. ‘I all but climbed into Jason’s lap in fear,’ she thought, as she sat on her deck drinking the chamomile tea he’d made her. Her doctor warned her about flashbacks and symptoms of post traumatic stress, but she never thought it would happen to her.
‘That was an extenuating circumstance,’ she told herself as she watched Jason changing the tire on her Toyota. ‘I would’ve been fine, but I’m glad Jason knew how to snap me out of it.’ Realizing that he’d witnessed her in a full breakdown twice in as many weeks brought an embarrassed blush to her cheeks and had her questioning if she was really in control of herself and her emotions right now. She wondered if she’d ever be completely in control again after everything she’d lost.
One thing had definitely changed today, whether she liked it or not. For the first time since she saw him in her hospital room, she didn’t question whether it was smart to allow Jason back into her life. ‘If he hadn’t been here today, what would I really have done?’ she asked herself. She’d like to think she would’ve been okay, but would she have been? The Castle women weren’t known for staying calm in that type of situation. Jason knew exactly what to do when the car started to go into a spin. He got them to safety. If it had been her mom or her sisters, would they have started to hydroplane and gone off the road? Would she have gone completely catatonic?
Shaking off the direction of her thoughts, she saw that Jason was now standing in the middle of her backyard deep in deliberation. Now that she had broken her dark thoughts, she could see that he had his t-shirt tucked into his back pocket, his arms still covered in mud and grease from the tire change. She couldn’t believe that he could just stand outside like that at the end of September and not be cold.
Slowly, she allowed her eyes to look at his bare chest for the first time in five years. She couldn’t believe how much it had changed, filled out. Biting her lip, she took in the hard muscles that spanned his chest, his six-pack abs and, when he turned again, every single ridge of muscle across his broad back. It was only when she suppressed a groan that she realized that she was sitting there, objectifying him, and guilt slammed through her.
Chalking up her behavior to a side effect of the days trauma, and missing the intimacy she’d shared with Caleb, she set about clearing her head again, and switched to wondering what he was thinking about. Setting down her empty teacup, she walked down the stairs beside the deck to join him. The backyard was nearly two full acres, bordered on either side with tall Evergreen trees. A lush blanket of green grass spanned the yard all the way to the lake at the opposite end of the property, where her private pier tethered her small row boat.
“Aren’t you freezing?” she called, nodding toward the shirt in his back pocket as she reached the bottom of the stairs.
“Yeah, but I didn’t want to get the shirt dirty,” he shrugged, his eyes still inspecting the small patch of grass.
“What are you doing?” she finally asked.
‘What do you think of this spot over here?” he inquired as she approached the far west side of the middle of her backyard.
“For what?” she asked, looking at the small triangle of grass he was indicating.
“A garden. Didn’t you say Caleb was planning to put one back here for Corigan?” Jason cocked his head in question.
“Yeah, but I’m not sure this area gets enough sun. The trees are really tall here. Would the front yard be a better place? Besides, isn’t it too late in the season to plant?” she babbled as she watched him walk the perimeter of the area he’d chosen.
“I’ve been observing the area, and I think it’ll be fine. We are at the end of the season, but if we start tomorrow, we can get some late season winter squash started,” Jason shrugged. “In the spring, if everything works out with this crop, we can plant more. Maybe we can section off part of it for a butterfly area for Corigan?”
Her eyes shot to him in surprise. He was looking at her carefully, like he was trying to gauge her reaction. She couldn’t believe his thoughtfulness towards something she knew Corigan would love and Caleb wanted to give her. Nor could she believe the longevity of the plans Jason was making, like he really was here to stay, regardless of their sticky past.
For the first time, she started to comprehend that having him as a friend again meant everything to her. It wasn’t just that she couldn’t get through the earlier ordeal without him, either. He had made these last few weeks back at the house easier for her, just by being there. He replaced the numbness inside of her with laughter and an ease of friendship.
After Caleb’s death, she’d lost everyone they’d been close to as a couple. She didn’t know if it was her, or if the memory was just too painful for them, or if they just hadn’t been very good friends. She knew that her friendship with Jason was real, though. It was helping her, more than either of them knew, to get thr
ough the pain of being in her house, without Caleb. The thought caused her to freeze, and she fought back a different fear that was now rising within her.
“Thank you,” she said, as she blinked back the tears she hadn’t known were forming.
“For what?” he went to her, starting to place his hands on her arms before pulling back when he saw the grime still on them.
“Being there for me today and knowing exactly what to do. I don’t know what would’ve happened if it hadn’t been you,” she looked down at her feet as she talked, not able to look him in the eye at these words. “And for everything else you’ve done for us over these last few months, especially the last two weeks, Jason.”
“You don’t have to thank me for being a good friend, Sammy,” he laughed, softly.
“And,” she started, lifting her chin to look into those familiar cerulean blue eyes. “for wanting to help me accomplish Caleb’s dream of having a garden out here. It means more than I can verbalize right now.”
“You’re welcome,” he smiled, before breaking away to start measuring out the area they’d have to plant tomorrow.
Chapter 5
Samantha tip toed through her yard toward the back door, careful not to make a noise that might wake her sleeping sisters.
“Sneaking in Sammy?” a familiar voice whispered from the shadows.
“I lost track of time at Missy’s,” she whispered as Jason finally stepped into the light. “Mom had a late shift and dad always works late…Sara said she’d take care of Jessy while I went to Missy’s to finish up some homework.”
“Sara’s only twelve, Sammy,” Jason walked into the light as Samantha stumbled over a branch. “You know that Sara is only comfortable by herself until nine.
“We’re only thirteen, Jason. What difference does that one year make? I shouldn’t be home alone with two girls until midnight either,” she tripped again and started to fall toward the wet grass.