The Weakness in Me

by Josie Leigh

  Sammy’s eyes widened, knowing she was guilty. She had signaled his action. “You’re right, that was my fault,” she confessed.

  “No! I didn’t need to act on it, I broke my promise,” he said, releasing her from responsibility as he turned toward the kitchen. “Look, I know I said I’d help you get ready for Corigan’s party, but I just remembered something I promised her I’d pick up for her birthday. I’ll be back when the party starts.” Jason grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter and walked back toward the living room.

  “That sounds good,” Sammy agreed, following him to the door. “I really do appreciate your help and there really isn’t that much left to do, just a couple of trays of food,” she motioned back toward the kitchen. “Actually, would you mind picking up the cake from the store, too?”

  “Not at all,” he gave her a warm smile and turned to hug her, before remembering the awkwardness of the moment and deciding against the familiar gesture.

  **

  Jamie tapped her finger on her pink coffee table as she waited for her youngest daughter to pick up her phone.

  “Hello?” the answering voice sounded from the speaker.

  “Ken! There you are! Are you on your way?” she asked, looking at the grandfather clock in the corner.

  “On my way for what, mom?” McKenna asked. Jamie immediately took issue with the tone of the question.

  “I thought we were going to that concert in the park today? With that band you wanted to sign?” she prompted, with a frustrated whimper.

  “That was last week, mother. I tried to call you and you were busy with Sven. Something about trying to cleanse the neighborhood?” her daughter reminded her.

  “Oh, that was last week? I’m sorry,” Jamie pouted, flicking her sea green painted nail at a chip in the coffee table. “Want to just go shopping instead? I want to spend some time with my baby girl.”

  “I’d love to, but Miranda and I are taking Lucas over to Corigan’s birthday party this afternoon,” McKenna told her.

  “Who is Corigan? He’s talked about that kid every time I’ve seen him in the last couple of months,” Jamie wondered aloud, as she absently turned on the television and started flipping channels.

  “You don’t know?” McKenna asked, confused. “It’s Sammy McKenzie’s daughter,” she finished as if she hadn’t just dropped a bomb in Jamie’s day.

  “Is your brother going to be there?” she asked, keeping her voice as steady as she could. It had been nearly a year and no progress had been made on keeping them apart. Even Missy was trying to tell her they needed to give up the ghost. She insisted that Samantha and Jason were just friends and would probably stay that way, because Sammy refused to take off her wedding ring. Jamie didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. The way Samantha had her boy enraptured, they had to be sleeping together, and she had to put a stop to it!

  “He’ll be there. Corigan calls him Unkey Jason! It’s so cute,” McKenna gushed.

  “I don’t understand what’s so cute about having a two year old you aren’t even related to call you Uncle. He’s just getting that little girl’s hopes up for when he starts to date someone else and pulls away from her,” Jamie snorted in disgust, trying to make it seem like she was looking out for the little girl’s interests.

  “I don’t see that happening,” her daughter answered, bluntly. “Jason’s not going anywhere. Trust me.”

  “Ugh,” she groaned. “I knew they were sleeping together!” she yelled, throwing the television remote across the room and shattering it against the wall. “Fuck!”

  “No, not sleeping together, but she seemed awfully upset at the prospect that he might’ve slept with Missy a couple of months ago,” McKenna informed her. “Jason did everything he could to prove that never happened and has, basically, put up a force field to keep Missy away ever since.”

  “That’s why she told me I need to give up,” Jamie mumbled as she stood from the cracked blue leather couch and walked to her trusty bar to pour herself a drink. If she wasn’t going to be shopping with her daughter, she may as well make the best of the day.

  “What’s that mom? I didn’t get that. I’m at Miranda’s to pick her up,” McKenna asked.

  “Nothing important, honey,” Jamie smiled. “You, Miranda and Lucas have a great day, okay? Enjoy the party.”

  “Thanks mom! Bye,” McKenna said, ending the call.

  Standing at the bar with two fingers of scotch swirling in her hand, Jamie tried to figure out if there really was a way to get Jason to see Samantha for what she really was: a son-stealing ice queen.

  Chapter 18

  “Where’s Jason? Why isn’t he helping with the party set up?” Sara asked an hour after Jason left as she sliced a cucumber to finish off the vegetable tray.

  “He ran to pick up something he said he promised her, and he’s picking up the cake,” Samantha said, pulling a baking sheet of pigs in a blanket from the oven. She started to transfer them to the party tray, hoping the inquisition would stop with her answer.

  “Oh? Is that all?” Sara asked, “Then why did you blush at the question?”

  “Fine!” she said, knowing further denial would only make her sisters more suspicious. “He kissed me earlier, and I pushed him away, okay?”

  “How did it happen?” Jessica’s green eyes glowed with Samantha’s confession.

  “Honestly, I don’t know! We were arguing about how much time he spends with Corigan and how I’ve been distant lately, and he stuck his finger in my face as he was lecturing me,” Samantha said, leaning against the kitchen island.

  “And then?” Sara asked, grabbing a box of juices out of the refrigerator.

  “I asked him to get his finger out of my face, and when he refused, I bit it,” Samantha shrugged. “When I let go, I gave him a bitchy smile and then he lunged for me. I thought he was going to kill me…I was very wrong…”

  “You bit him? And you didn’t expect him to kiss you?” Sara narrowed her eyes at her sister in suspicion.

  “No! Why would I?”

  “Because about the age of, I don’t know, twenty?” Jessica looked toward the ceiling for guidance, before nodding her head to agree with her thought and continuing, “Yes, twenty! About the age of twenty, biting stops being gross and mean, and starts being really, really hot,” she informed her sisters.

  “No, it doesn’t,” Samantha waved her sisters off.

  “No, Samantha, it really, really does,” Sara agreed, looking wistfully toward her husband.

  “Ewww! Sara, you didn’t have to take it there,” Jessica said, smacking her sister in the arm.

  “What?” Sara asked, innocently, “You’re the one who brought it up!”

  “Ugh! Can we talk about anything else, please?!” Samantha let out an exasperated sigh, “like what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t want to lead Jason on again.”

  “Again? This has happened before?” Jessica asked, leaning forward in interest. Samantha wanted to roll her eyes when she saw Sara on the other side of her in the same position.

  “On his birthday, I may have tried to eat him alive, but it had been eight months since I’d been kissed by someone I cared ab—” Samantha froze at her words.

  “So you admit you care, finally! Now we are getting somewhere,” Sara raised her hands as if to say ‘Halleluiah.’

  “Tell us everything, don’t leave anything out!” Jessica bounced up and down in excitement.

  “FINE! But you can’t say anything,” she held out an appetizer in warning, wishing it were a knife, but when both of her sisters mimed locking their lips and throwing the keys over their shoulders, she let the whole story spill out of her.

  **

  “Again?” Samantha heard Jason whisper into his phone from beside her. Glancing at the clock, she could see that it was well after last call, but knowing exactly who was on the phone. She contemplated turning to face him when he continued to talk to the caller. Freezing at his next words, her mind began to
wander to places she didn’t want to think about.

  “No, she’s asleep,” Jason told the caller. “Of course, Missy, I won’t tell her and I’ll be right there,” he sighed, rolling out of bed, slowly, like he was being careful not to wake her. In the darkness, she watched him tiptoe through the bedroom getting dressed and gathering his things to save Missy, yet again.

  Tears started to sting her eyes as feelings of betrayal by her fiancé and her best friend washed over her. She wondered what Missy wanted Jason to keep from her and how many times he’d left their bed to rescue her that she didn’t know about.

  Thinking about how bad his drinking was getting, she started to wonder if it was the stress of keeping a secret that was causing him to drink every night. He wasn’t drinking to the point of getting drunk, but it was definitely more than something to help him unwind. She hated that he drank so much; it reminded her of her father and the way he’d acted before he’d been forced to leave.

  Before Jason left, Samantha felt him press a kiss to her forehead and whisper, “I’m sorry, Sammy. I love you.”

  As she heard the bedroom door close, she sat up and stared into the darkness. What was he sorry about? Didn’t he know that she loved him, too? Why did he feel the need to chase after Missy? Did she not make him feel wanted enough anymore? At that thought, the first tear fell down her cheek and she collapsed into the mattress, mourning a relationship she hadn’t known might be ending.

  Two hours of sleeplessness later, she felt the bed shift beside her and the smell of Missy’s cheap perfume permeated the room. If he hadn’t showered off her scent, did that mean he had nothing to hide and he had just driven her drunk ass home from whatever skank hole she’d found herself in? Or did he just not care to hide it anymore?

  **

  Once the party was in full swing, Samantha couldn’t handle the looks of longing she recognized from Jason. She knew he’d want to talk about what happened sooner rather than later and he was giving her a reprieve because it was her daughter’s birthday party. She didn’t know what to say to him, because she was still scared to let him back in. After everyone was busy eating cake and snacks, she snuck into her backyard for some peace and quiet so she could think.

  She couldn’t deny how she was feeling anymore, though. It was becoming more and more obvious with every day. On the anniversary of the accident, she’d wanted nothing more than to spend the day hiding out with Jason and letting him help her forget the pain of the day. She knew the only reason she wasn’t giving him another shot was the Missy incident. She’d forgiven him, but she wasn’t sure she could trust him like that again. Her mother had taken her father back when he promised it wouldn’t happen again for years, and had nothing to show for it. Besides, Samantha’s heart couldn’t take being shattered for a third time before she was thirty if he couldn’t resist the blonde who was determined to have him again. Yet, there was something that nagged at her about that whole situation, but she couldn’t put her finger on why.

  “I thought I’d find you out here,” Samantha heard her mother, Kelly, say from behind her. “Why’d you leave the party?”

  “I slipped today, Mom,” she answered, honestly, “and it was too awkward. I just wanted a little space. Just for a few minutes, you know?” she looked down at her hands locked together on her lap, as she dipped a toe into the warm water of the lake.

  “Haven’t you made him suffer enough?” Kelly asked, settling beside Samantha on the pier. “It’s been six years. I’m starting to wonder if you ever really did move on, Sam.”

  “Did you forgive dad when he did it?” she glared back at her mother.

  “You’re right, I forgave him too many times for being a philandering asshole, because I couldn’t support you girls on my own,” Kelly’s eyes fixed on the neighboring pier as she began to discuss a part of her life Samantha only really knew snippets of. “But I know the signs of a cheater, Sam. Jason’s no cheater.”

  “Look, I’ve forgiven him for what happened, Mom. I just don’t think I could ever trust him with my heart again.”

  “I know he’d done some stupid things leading up to that night, but I think his only crime was being the good and kind person we all know him to be and believing that Missy only wanted to be friends.”

  “That was always part of the problem. She always needed to be rescued and she always called him, Mom. If he didn’t constantly leave me to run and save her…,” Samantha trailed off, watching the ripples in the water caused by the late summer breeze. “If he didn’t want her, too, why did he go?”

  “Because she was your best friend, Sam,” she reminded her. “And he would’ve done anything for you back then. Hell, he’s still proving that to be true today,” her mother pointed out. “Besides, I think Missy’s mom was good friends with his mom, too. I’m sure it had a little to do with that, too,” Kelly’s voice turned scolding, imploring Samantha to listen to reason and logic over her father’s history. “Your father never would have done what he’s done for you and Corigan since you’ve moved back in to your house.”

  “I know, but it’s not that easy. What he and Missy did- it shattered my heart. Caleb helped me put it back together,” she paused to gather her thoughts, “Wouldn’t I be thumbing my nose at everything Caleb and I meant to each other if I trusted Jason with the pieces of my heart I have left now that he’s gone, too?” Samantha risked a glance at her mother’s face, impassive look firmly in place.

  “You know Caleb wouldn’t feel that way. He’d be happy you had someone to give you everything he knew you deserved. That man in there loves Corigan,” Kelly pointed to the house behind her. “And the way he looks at you, Sam…anyone can see he’s still in love with you.” Samantha didn’t miss the hope gleaming in her mother’s eyes. Kelly had always had a soft spot in her heart for Jason and could be blind to the truth Samantha saw in him.

  “I annoy him. We’ve argued a lot in the last year. He thinks I’m too controlled and too afraid to let anyone in,” Samantha informed her mother.

  “Oh my, GOD! Seriously?” Kelly laughed at her words. “That was like foreplay for you two way back when! You bickered constantly! Don’t you remember?!” Samantha couldn’t hold back a smile at the memory.

  “Of course I remember, Mom. I just want to be better than all the drama that was our relationship…”

  “It’s not drama, it’s banter, honey. Drama doesn’t make you smile like you are right now or giggle like you used to,” her mother reminded her.

  “It annoys me that he acts like he still knows me! He can be so damn cocky about it, too!” Samantha started to work herself up, thinking of everything she could to combat her mother’s words.

  “Does he?” she asked, matter-of-fact, turning to look at Samantha again, arching an eyebrow.

  Heaving a large sigh, Samantha conceded, shaking her head, “About certain things, I guess. He keeps trying to get me to break or something.”

  “Break how?”

  “He says I need to give up some of the control he thinks I hold onto so tightly. That I need to know it’s okay to have fun… I have fun!” she folded her arms over her chest and pouted, knowing she looked like a petulant child, but not caring.

  Kelly shot her a pointed look, “In the last year, when was the last time you had fun?”

  “Well, um, Jessica’s twenty-third birthday party?” Samantha offered.

  “You mean the gathering you stayed at for one hour, bought your sister a drink, and said you had to go because you had a conference call at eight the next morning? That birthday party?”

  “I did have a conference call! Besides, it’s just a ploy to get me to take my wedding ring off! That’s all!”

  “Workaholic,” Kelly muttered under her breath.

  “Hey, guys,” Jessica called from across the yard. Samantha and her mother turned toward her. “Corigan wants to open her presents before nap time, so if you guys could maybe haul your asses back inside.”

  “We’re on our way,” Saman
tha answered, standing quickly, grateful for the distraction that effectively ended the uncomfortable exchange.

  “Don’t think I’m just going to let this go, Sam. You’ve got to make a choice here, and soon. He deserves better than to be your babysitter forever. He shouldn’t waste his time hoping you’ll realize you can fall in love with him again!” Kelly called after her.

  Chapter 19

  Sammy said good bye to all of Corigan’s guests and tucked the guest of honor into her bed after an epic sugar crash. She knew he was still there, but she was back to avoiding him. After he’d helped her a little, by picking up some of the stray wrapping paper and throwing away empty cups, he, finally, decided enough was enough and started to look for her. When he opened the door to the deck, she looked up at him from the banister, wariness evident in her eyes, but he also saw acceptance of the conversation they both needed to have.

  “The kiss, I thought you weren’t ready, but you were, weren’t you?” Jason started, moving closer, his voice deceptively calm, as if a loud noise would spook her. “You just haven’t taken off the ring because I told you all bets were off, right?”

  “No, that’s not why! It’s like I told you: I’m just not ready!” she screeched in a classic overreaction, not convincing either of them of the conviction behind her words.

  “Honestly, why did you push me away?”

  Sammy looked over the deck and watched the clouds cast shadows over the lake. As if searching for the words, she paced the length of the deck before returning to the table to sit down. Sighing deeply, she seemed to accept the words she was about to say. Turning her head back to the lake and narrowing her eyes showed Jason she was about to tell him something she didn’t really believe. “I don’t trust you,” she answered, finally, keeping her eyes on a small wake in the surface of the water.