I stood in the doorway to my house, not sure if I really wanted to be here. I glanced to our bedroom where I had just made love to her this morning. I walked over and stood in the doorway, staring at our bed that was still rumpled from where I set her down in a towel. I closed my eyes and remembered every morning that I woke up with her wrapped in my arms. I rubbed my fingertips together, still able to feel her soft skin beneath them. Her perfume lingered in the air as if she was standing right next to me.
I leaned back against the doorframe, my head hung back as I took more deep breaths. That was how this day was moving for me, one deep breath at a time. I walked into the living room and saw the chair that she snuggled in as she read by the fire. Her book was still sitting on the end table with her page marked. She never finished it.
“I called her parents for you,” Logan said as he stepped closer to me.
“How did they take it?”
“Pretty bad. They said they’d be here as soon as possible. That was about an hour ago, so I’m guessing they’ll be here any minute.”
“I should make sure there’s something to eat.”
When I stepped into the doorway of the kitchen, I stopped dead in my tracks. There was Cassandra dancing to her favorite songs while she made dinner. She sang into her spatula as she tossed her hair around. Her smile lit up the whole damn kitchen, but then she was gone. I’d never hear her singing off key to the high notes or taste the food that had burned because she was too busy singing to watch the pan.
“We’ve got this covered. You just tell us what you need,” Cole said.
“I can’t fucking breathe. How do I breathe without her?”
“Dad?”
I turned around to see James watching me with tears stains on his cheeks. That was the first time he’d ever called me dad.
“Yeah, son.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just sit here.”
I didn’t either. Everything around me reminded me of her and I couldn’t just stare at the wall waiting for the time to pass. I walked over to him and took his hand. We walked outside and over to the tree stump where I chopped wood. I showed him how to use the axe and watched as he took a few swings. When I was satisfied, I started splitting the bigger logs, cutting them down to size for him. The guys joined me and started in on other things. Cole and Logan helped me chop up the larger pieces. Drew hung around James, making sure he didn’t cut off his foot. Jack and Sean carried wood into the house and piled it on the wood rack. Sebastian and Luke went to start cutting down more trees.
I wasn’t sure how long we worked out there. It was getting dark when I finally felt myself wearing down. Drew and James were sitting on the porch talking with his grandparents. I wasn’t sure when they had shown up. Sebastian and Luke were hauling back pieces of the tree they had cut down. Sean and Jack were picking up tree branches that were scattered across the yard. I looked over at Cole and Logan and nodded. There was nothing more to say.
We all headed back inside where I grabbed beer for everyone. I didn’t remember there being this much in the fridge, so someone had come prepared. I handed them out and when James stuck out his hand, I put one in his, laughing at the memory of the night I told him to grab a beer.
“Ryan, I don’t think that he should-”
“He became a man today,” I said as I stared Cassandra’s mother down, daring her to challenge me. She quietly agreed and we all raised our beers.
“To the most beautiful woman I ever knew, the best mother, and the most loving wife a man could ask for.” I closed my eyes and pictured her smiling at me and whispering how much she loved me. When I opened my eyes, I looked at James.
“To my mother. She was my best friend and-” he cut off when his voice shook and dropped his head. I placed a hand on his shoulder and he looked back up at me. “I miss her so much already.”
“Me too, bud.”
“To Cassandra,” her dad said as he lifted his bottle. We all drank to my beautiful wife who was no longer with us. I bent down and gave James a big hug, needing to feel some piece of Cassandra. James finally drank a sip of his beer and cringed as it went down, but took another drink. It was another hour before everyone left. Cassie’s parents took one of the bedrooms downstairs and turned in for the night.
James and I walked upstairs. I had no desire to sleep in my bed without Cassandra. James got ready for bed and I sat on the couch outside his room. About a half hour later, James came back out.
“Could you come lay down with me?”
“You bet.”
I climbed on the double bed and stared up at the ceiling. I didn’t feel any more tears coming. I had cried more than I ever thought possible today. Now I was just numb. There was so much to think about, but I just couldn’t do any of it tonight.
“Dad, is it always going to feel like this?”
“I hope not. I can’t make any guarantees, though.”
“What’s gonna happen tomorrow?”
I blew out a breath. “We have to plan the funeral. Other than that? I have no clue. I guess just keep breathing.”
“Can I help you plan it?”
“I need you to help me plan it. Can I let you in on a little secret?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m just barely holding it together. I know I told you to be strong, but it’s okay not to be.”
I heard him sniffle and his breathing grew heavy. I reached for his hand and he eagerly gripped it as if he were afraid I would let go. We laid there in the dark of his room just breathing and occasionally crying. Hours later, I heard his breathing even out and only then did I allow myself to drift off to memories of Cassie.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Ryan
DESPITE WHAT SEAN thought about me seeing Cassandra’s body, I just couldn’t move forward with planning her funeral until I saw her with my own eyes. I talked with Cal and Jane about staying with James, explaining that this was something I needed to do, but I didn’t want James to see his mom this way. They agreed to stay with him, neither wanting to see their daughter on a cold slab.
Sean met me at the morgue since she hadn’t been moved yet. We walked in together and Sean had us taken down to see her. I was in a daze the whole time. Everything around me was a blur, but my heart was hammering at the same time. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in and out, anything to keep myself from breaking down.
When we reached the doors I paused, unsure if I could actually do this. Could I really see her body broken and feel her skin so cold?
“Ryan.” I could hear Sean talking to me, but it wasn’t registering. I just stood there staring at the doors and praying that God would wake me up from my new reality.
“Ryan, are you sure you want to do this?”
I looked at Sean and blinked slowly, trying to clear my vision. My throat was so dry that I couldn’t answer, so I just nodded. I needed to do this or I would always question if she had actually died. As sick as it sounded, I needed to see her cold body and feel that there was no heartbeat to keep her alive.
I took a deep breath and pushed the doors to the morgue open. There was a man waiting in the room, standing next to a door that was open with a body on it covered with a large sheet. I swallowed thickly as I stepped closer and closer to her body. My heart pounded harder in my chest with every step. I could feel my chest tightening, as if I was being crushed.
I licked my lips to try to bring back some moisture to my dry mouth. My breaths were coming in short spurts now as I looked up at the man holding the top of the sheet. I nodded and saw him look down. I couldn’t look yet, but I saw him pull back the fabric. I just stared at him, my eyes begging him to show me someone other than who was laying there.
When I finally looked down, all the air left my body in a whoosh. There on the table was my wife, but she didn’t look like herself anymore. Her face was heavily bruised and she had gashes on her head that had been cleaned. Her beautiful hair was matted from the blood t
hat gushed when she was killed.
I pulled back the sheet, needing to see all of her, to know how badly she had suffered. There were bruises covering her body and her chest looked almost concave. I slid my hand down her cold arm until I touched her fingertips. Lacing my fingers with hers, I squeezed her hand, desperately hoping that I would feel her squeeze back. When she didn’t, I brushed my other hand along her neck and felt for a pulse. Still, nothing came, so I put my hand over her heart and prayed that this time I would have a different outcome.
When there was no thumping of her chest, it finally became real to me. My wife was lying here, but she was no longer with me. I would never hold her in my arms again or feel her run her fingers through my hair. I would never see her beautiful smile or wake up with her pressed against me. I squeezed her hand harder as I laid my head down on her chest. Tears pooled on her her roughened skin, her skin that used to be baby soft.
When I finally lifted my head up, I looked at her face one last time, trying to imagine her smiling at me and telling me everything would be alright, but all I saw was the cold, unmoving face that used to belong to Cassandra. She was no longer here and I had to hope she was in a better place now.
“Did she suffer?” I asked the coroner.
“No.”
I looked up at him with tears still running down my face. “Please, don’t tell me what you think will be easiest. I need to know.”
He hesitated, but then looked back down at Cassie. “She was hit on the driver’s side, so the impact would have most likely knocked her out instantly. Without an autopsy, we don’t know the extent of the damage, but I would assume she had significant internal injuries. If you would like to know exactly what killed her, we can perform an autopsy.”
“What’s your best guess?”
“If I had to guess, I would say that her head injury probably would have left her brain dead and any internal injuries would have killed her.”
I nodded and sniffled, trying to get my emotions under control. “No autopsy.” I whispered. She’d been through enough. She didn’t need to be cut up just to put me at ease.
I leaned forward and pressed my lips to her cold ones as tears leaked down onto her face. My hand came up to cup her jaw and I brushed my thumb along her lip one last time.
“Goodbye, Cassie girl. I’ll love you forever.”
I stood up and took one last look at her before walking away. If possible, it was even harder to walk away than it was to go see her. Every step tore my heart out as I walked away from the person I had grown to love so much over the past year.
When I stepped outside the morgue, I took my first real breath and broke. The cry that tore from my chest was unnatural to my own ears. I turned to the wall and punched it repeatedly until arms wrapped around me and held me tight.
I could feel Sean holding me tightly from behind and I wasn’t sure if he was trying to comfort me or trying to keep me from tearing a hole in the wall. He let me go as I slid to the floor and leaned back against the wall. I took deep breaths until finally I stopped crying and breathing became somewhat normal.
I stared at the opposite wall for a long while as the last of my tears slowly fell from my eyes and rolled down my face. I didn’t feel anything as I stared at the wall across from me. It was as if the world didn’t exist where I was.
I wondered what it was like for her in the accident. Did she see the truck coming? Did she feel the impact, or did it happen so fast that she didn’t have time to process what was happening? Was she ever in pain? Was she awake for any of it? That was the one that I wondered about the most. I hoped and prayed that she was knocked unconscious immediately. That she didn’t sit there for minutes alone as the life leached from her body. I prayed that she didn’t have any last thoughts of who she was leaving behind. I wanted her to be blissfully unaware of what had happened.
I wondered if it would have been better if I could have said goodbye to her if she was on life support. Maybe if she had been hooked up to machines, I could have at least said goodbye to what was left of her. Maybe her soul would have still been with her or she could have still heard me on some level. I could have touched her one last time while she still had some resemblance of the woman I loved.
Then I thought of what that would have done to James. It would have torn him apart to see her like that and would probably have given him nightmares. This was probably for the best. If he had to live in a world where his mother no longer existed, at least he could remember her as she was and not what I just witnessed.
I don’t know how long I sat in that hallway. After a while, I was just staring at a white wall. I wasn’t aware of anything going on around me. I didn’t hear anyone or see anyone. It was all just blank. Exactly how I felt.
“Ryan.” I felt a few slaps against my cheek, bringing me out of my catatonic state. My eyes drifted to my left where Drew was sitting with a worried expression. “Ryan, let’s go home. James needs you.”
“Is he okay?” That snapped me out of my haze. I got to my feet, having to stretch and move slowly. My legs were stiff and I briefly wondered how long I’d been sitting there.
“James is fine, but you can’t just check out. He needs you.”
“How long have I been sitting here?”
“Four hours.” I turned to see Sean standing next to me also looking very worried. “I tried to talk to you, but you were just out of it. You didn’t hear me or see me.”
“Sorry, I-”
“Don’t worry about it. I just didn’t think you should sit there too much longer.”
“Come on. Let’s get back to your place before James starts wondering where you are.”
I nodded and followed them out of the hospital. As we were walking out, I noticed that Sean was carrying a small box.
“What’s that?”
He looked down at the box and then back at me. “It’s her personal effects. The coroner gave it to me when we were sitting outside.”
It was like a MAC truck had just hit me all over again. I reached out slowly and took the box from him. I peeked inside and saw there wasn’t much there. I’d go through it later. Right now, I just needed to make it home without breaking again.
When I walked in the front door, the first thing I noticed was how quiet it was. Thoughts of Cassandra’s laugh rang through my mind, but I quickly pushed them away, not wanting to think about how depressing it would be around here now. I went into the bedroom and set down the box on our bed, not wanting to go through it with others around.
James and Cal were in the living room and Jane was in the kitchen. I headed for her, hoping that she could distract me. She was rolling out dough on the counter, so I took a seat at the island to watch.
“How did it go at the morgue?” She didn’t look at me. She just kept rolling out the dough.
“Rough. I’m glad James wasn’t there. It would have been too hard on him.”
“And it wasn’t for you?”
“I didn’t say that, but I needed to see her with my own eyes. Otherwise, I would have driven myself crazy wondering if it was actually her.”
She finally looked at me with a hand on her hip. “You know they would have verified her identity first.”
“I know, but..in my mind, I would have always wondered if they had gotten it wrong. Like, maybe she was somewhere else trying to get back to us and I hadn’t even made sure she was dead.”
“You know that sounds crazy, don’t you?”
I laughed a little. “Maybe, but I just had to do it. I’ve seen her with my own eyes and now my mind can’t tell me this isn’t real.”
She went back to rolling out dough and I watched her for a few more minutes.
“What are you making?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I made the dough and I just keep rolling it out and then I make a ball and start all over. Every time I go to make something, I think about making cookies with Cassie when she was a little girl, and I just can’t bring myself to actually make them.”
A few tears slipped from her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away and made the dough into a ball again.
“Maybe you should make them with James. You can tell him all about Cassie when she was little.”
“Maybe someday, but not today. Today, I just want to keep doing this.”
I was jealous of her. She had something to do. I had no clue what to do now.
“What do I do?” She stopped and raised an eyebrow at me. “We’re in this limbo. The funeral hasn’t happened yet and I don’t think James and I are ready to just get back to life, but we’re just sitting here. What do we do?”
“I wish I could tell you. Do something that the two of you like to do together. Something that will take your mind off all this shit.”
I walked over to her and gave her a hug, then went to the living room to see James. He was sitting there staring out the window, looking lost and bored.
“Hey, bud. Do you want to do something?”
“Like what?”
“We could start a new book series.”
He shrugged.
“Or we could watch some movies. We could make some popcorn and drink soda all afternoon. Just have a movie marathon.”
“Yeah. Let’s do that.”
Of course, the movies he chose were the Harry Potter movies. We spent all day watching them and well into the night until both of us were exhausted. Cal and Jane had gone downstairs sometime after dinner and left James and I to ourselves. When it came time for bed, I looked in the bedroom at the box, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at it yet. Instead, I walked upstairs and followed James into his bedroom where we both passed out on his bed.
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Ryan_A Contemporary Romance Page 21