The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set)

by Phoebe Alexander

  “This has been nice,” he sighed, running his fingers through her dark tresses, untangling the knots that came from hiking in the cold January wind.

  “Very nice,” Sarah agreed. This feels like a moment, she thought, a moment for us to discuss where we are. I want to be bold. To ask for what I want.

  He was quiet and she wondered if similar thoughts had invaded his mind. “What’s up?” he finally asked, sensing the wheels turning in her head.

  “Well,” Sarah started, choosing her words carefully, “I guess I’m a little confused.”

  “Oh yeah? Why’s that?” He barely moved, his words were smooth and calm.

  “I don’t really understand what we are,” she admitted, a tiny voice urging her on while a stronger one told her she was making a mistake rocking the boat.

  James didn’t miss a beat. “Well, we are homo sapiens...I am of the male variety, and you, the female,” he laughed.

  Sarah sighed. I didn’t realize he was going to make a joke out of this. “How do you think of me?” She tried to disguise the fact that she was a little rattled by his facetiousness.

  James stiffened and sat up, forcing Sarah to rise as well. She scooted to the other end of the couch and pulled her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs and pulling them in close to her body. He was clearly uncomfortable, the humor faded and replaced with ambivalence. “I don’t know what you mean, Sarah. I think of you as a friend. And a lover.” His whole demeanor had changed in a flash.

  Patience, she chided herself. Don’t make him get defensive. “I feel really close to you sometimes, James,” she confessed. “I’ve started thinking of you as a big part of my life. But when I think about you, when I talk about you...I just don’t know what kind of label to give you. I don’t know where our boundaries are.”

  He looked at her, his eyes softening, and pulled her hand into his. “I thought you didn’t do labels,” he said. There were a few awkward beats of silence while that “L word” hung in the air. But it was not the “L word” Sarah had been toying with.

  And then: “Why do you need a label? We enjoy each other’s company. Why do we need anything else?” he questioned, the sharp edges shaved off his voice.

  “I’m a sociologist,” Sarah rebutted. “It’s my job to define relationships and social interactions. I can’t help it.”

  “I see,” came his reply. She could see him accept defeat; his shoulders fell. He was going to have to talk about his feelings. I bet he thought after the New Year’s Eve conversation he was off the hook for a while, she thought. Little does he know that seeing that glimpse only made me crave more of him. And not his body. His heart.

  “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I’m not trying to pressure you or upset you in any way. I just want to know where you see us...where I fit into your life.” She searched his eyes for some sort of understanding, a portal into his heart. “I thought it was a fair question...after all, I’ve known you almost five months now.”

  He leaned in toward her and ran a finger through her hair, tucking it behind her ear. “I care a lot about you, Sarah.”

  She sensed a “but.”

  He stood up and crossed to the other side of the room, facing the fireplace, his back to her. “I’m just at a different place in my life right now than you are. I’m not ready to settle down now...but someday I hope to meet a woman I can fall in love with and start a family.” His voice trailed off. He smiled and added, “You know, the American Dream,” the facetiousness was back. So easy to deflect seriousness with humor, Sarah noted.

  She remained seated, motionless. This is what I expected him to say, she realized. “I’m not asking you for anything like that,” she explained. “I just want to know how I fit into your life. Where you see this going.”

  “Oh,” James replied sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to jump to conclusions.”

  She stood and walked to him, putting her arms around his waist and leaning against his back, her head almost reaching his shoulder. “I feel a strong connection with you is all,” Sarah said wistfully, “And I enjoy having you in my life. I don’t want what we have to end.”

  He turned toward her and pulled her into his arms. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised. “Don’t worry.”

  ***

  Chapter Thirteen

  Role Reversals

  It had been an excruciatingly long day of wedding dress shopping. Sarah’s feet hurt and her nerves were frazzled. She envied Abby being at the house watching two pre-adolescent boys despite the accompanying gross humor, not to mention foul odors, she would endure. Kathy Lynde, acting as the honorary Mother of the Bride as the real one was hundreds of miles away, acted as the ever-gracious peacemaker, but even she was ready to hand over her Miss Congeniality title by the end of the day. The only person who still seemed to have any energy was Rachel. And it’s not exactly a positive energy, Sarah observed.

  The three ladies finally agreed on a Japanese place for dinner and spread out comfortably around the table. Sarah was the first to break the silence. “So, we’ve covered every bridal shop in Baltimore; does that mean DC is next?”

  “There are a few places in Annapolis,” Rachel replied with a hint of exasperation. “Is it just me or was that sales lady at the last shop a total bitch?” Rachel had a knack for delivering expletives in an even louder volume than her normal speaking voice and usually just as the wait staff was making their rounds by the table. The petite Asian girl who was about to take their order turned and hurried back to the kitchen at the utterance of the “B word.”

  “Well, you just scared off the waitress,” Sarah laughed, trying to inject a bit of mirth into the tense mood that had wrapped its tentacles around the table.

  “I don’t care what that hideous cow said, I am not a size 16 and I’m not ordering a dress that big,” Rachel continued, unfazed. “For fuck’s sake, I’m only 5’1”...that dress would be as wide as it is long! What kind of fucking moronic game is that? Humiliate the Bride Before The Wedding Invitations Even Get Sent Out?”

  Kathy put her hand over Rachel’s soothingly. “Now, honey, you know it’s all a conspiracy, right? They’re in cahoots with the tailor they employ. They order the dress extra big and then you pay extra to have it taken in!” she explained matter-of-factly.

  A look of realization spread across Rachel’s face, unfurrowing her brow. “Ah, that makes perfect sense,” she agreed.

  Yes, a conspiracy theory! Way to go, Mom, Sarah thought, shooting her mother a congratulatory wink.

  Satisfied with her newfound understanding, Rachel changed the subject. “So how was New Years with James?” she inquired. “You’ve barely said anything about him all day!”

  Sarah shrugged. “There’s not really that much to say,” she confessed. “I spent the weekend with him and we had a fabulous time.”

  “Oh, come on, that’s bullshit, we want details!” She looked across the table for support: “Don’t we, Kathy?” Rachel goaded her.

  Sarah’s mother nodded vigorously, knowing her daughter’s hesitation wasn’t due to her presence. Sarah had often discussed the details of her relationships with her mother, and oftentimes with Rachel while her mother was present. Neither woman understood why she was being so secretive this time.

  Sarah began to straighten in her chair, as if poised to divulge a deep, dark secret. She laughed at the reaction of her companions, the way they hung on the edges of their seats like they were about to receive a juicy morsel of gossip. “Okay, here’s the deal,” she admitted plainly, “I am afraid I like him more than he likes me.

  Another epiphany raptured Rachel’s face. “Oh, I get it now,” she declared, suddenly feeling sage. “You aren’t in control, and that’s something you hate.”

  Kathy nodded in agreement. “I think you totally figured her out, Rachel. Well done!”

  Sarah felt exposed. “While it’s true I’m used to a dynamic more like what I have with Pawel, I’m okay with not being in control all the time. I think..
.,” she paused to consider her choice of words, “that I’m just afraid of losing him and maybe never feeling this way again.”

  “Is it because he’s in the Army?” Kathy wondered.

  Sarah shook her head, “It’s not that. I’m afraid he’s going to meet someone he likes better. Someone younger. Someone hotter. Someone without kids. Someone less complicated.”

  Rachel sighed, “If he loves you, he will accept all those things about you: your age, your having kids.” She was thinking about Jack and how they’d finally come to realize that they loved each other, flaws and all, and there was no obstacle so great that they couldn’t overcome it. She was lost in a dreamy look momentarily till Sarah shot back.

  “Well, I don’t think he loves me,” Sarah said bluntly. “I think my feelings are too intense.”

  “Has he met the kids yet?” her mother asked, diffusing the tension left by her daughter’s last admission.

  “Nope,” Sarah replied. “And he’s not going to. I’d prefer he just go on thinking of me as the sexy professor and leave Owen and Abby out of it.”

  Rachel burst in, “At first I thought you should keep the kids out of it, but now I think that’s a big mistake. Your kids are a huge part of who you are. You can’t expect him to fall in love with a part of you. He has to know the real you....and maybe that’s held him back. Maybe he’s scared of the unknown...you know, kids are scary to people who don’t have them.”

  “Another brilliant point by Ms. Brock,” her mother praised Rachel. “Hanging out with a sociologist all the time has certainly worn off on you, sweetie!” She turned to her daughter,

  “Why don’t you invite him for dinner with you and the kids sometime this next week?”

  Sarah groaned, unsure if she was ready to open the doors between those two worlds just yet. “I don’t know, guys....” She couldn’t even picture it. “I will think about it. That’s all I can promise for now.”

  ***

  Sarah was in her office the next week working on her book. Owen and Abby were back to school, but the university’s classes had not yet resumed. Sarah always felt like that week or two between the end of the kids’ Christmas Break and the start of her spring semester was a treasure. No meetings, usually no deadlines, no papers to grade, just time to catch up on loose ends and prepare for another semester. The only better time was summer.

  Her train of thought jumped off the tracks at the sudden sharp knock on her door. She had it locked so she jumped up to open it and revealed Pawel on the other side. “Oh my god!” she exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were back in town!”

  “I wanted to surprise you!” he smiled, taking her into his arms. The first thing she noticed was not his warmth or smell, but how slight he felt compared to James. She shook that thought away and looked up into his face. He kissed her gently and then guided her inside the door so she could shut it behind them.

  “When did you get in?” Sarah asked. “How was your flight?”

  “Last night. And everything was perfect,” he replied, still drinking in the image of her. “Is it possible that you’re more beautiful than when I left?”

  She laughed. “Pretty sure I’m just ‘more.’ Might have eaten a little too much candy and junk over the holidays,” she patted her stomach. “I’m going back to the gym this week. You know, with the other hordes of resolution makers.”

  “I love your body,” Pawel said, smoothing his hands down her frame, sliding around her hips. He had sat on her soft, oversized chair and pulled her toward him. She clasped her hands behind his neck and hugged him tight.

  She remembered the pendant he had sent her for Christmas and pulled it out of her sweater with her index finger. “Pawel, I still can’t believe you sent this! It’s absolutely stunning!”

  “Yet it still pales in comparison to the loveliness it graces,” he said with an adoring smile.

  “Wanna grab some lunch?” Sarah suggested and he nodded. She gathered up her purse and keys and they headed back out the door and around the block to a little sandwich shop just off campus.

  Pawel caught her up on everything in his homeland. His oldest son had gotten engaged, and like Rachel, was planning a summer wedding. “It means I can’t stick around the States for a few weeks after the semester ends like I planned to.”

  “Oh,” Sarah remarked, sensing his disappointment. “Well, you will only see your son get married once! Hopefully...” she added.

  “True,” Pawel agreed. “But I was going to sweep you away on a western adventure. I wanted to see some sights while I’m here. I’ve been up and down the coasts and I’ve been to Chicago and Texas. I wanted to go to your mountains...see where your people come from.”

  The sweetness of that statement slowly sunk into Sarah’s soul. “Well, maybe you can come back and visit sometime,” she consoled him. She wanted to run her fingers through his wavy hair and push his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. His hair had grown out even more since he’d been away, and he had the beginnings of a beard poking through his chin and cheeks. He pulled off the erudite professorial look to a T.

  He looked a bit disappointed by her suggestion, wishing she’d proposed something more adventurous ...or something more concrete, instead of seeming dismissive. But he suddenly brightened. “I plan on making the most of the time I have left here,” he promised.

  She smiled back. Maybe juggling two relationships isn’t the best idea, she considered, thinking of her book and how much work her classes were going to be this semester. But I get something I need from both of them, she argued. I’ll just make it work. I always do.

  ***

  Tonight is the night. How do I make this seem casual when I feel so much pressure to make sure everyone likes each other? Sarah debated as she drove to pick up the pizzas. Pizza, she decided, is a symbol of “casual,” not a complicated dinner cooked from scratch. She had also fretted over what to tell Abby and Owen. They already knew she hung out with Pawel quite a bit, but she was fairly certain they believed their relationship to be platonic. She knew Abby would be able to sense there was something more to her friendship with James. Owen is so perceptive, he likely will too, she realized.

  She’d decided against inviting her mother over for dinner too. That would just be too overwhelming, Sarah thought. Her mother could be quite outspoken at times, and who knew what kind of intellectual sparring match she might try to start with James. Heaven forbid he share any of his thoughts about homosexuals serving in the military, Sarah shuddered, remembering their very first conversation over coffee. Simple, relaxed, and casual. That’s what I’m going for here. Like a walk in the park.

  She arrived home, pizzas in tow, and went immediately to the kitchen to get everything prepared. Abby slinked in and quickly observed, “Why are you rushing around? Are you nervous or something?”

  Sarah turned around to face her daughter, her skin warming. “I...I’m not, I just have been rushing around all day,” she replied. “I guess I haven’t gotten out of work mode yet.” She laughed and made a mental note to tone down her energy level. “How was school today?”

  “Ugh,” Abby responded, offering up one of her classic eye rolls.

  “That bad?” Sarah questioned.

  “Geometry test,” she explained, shaking her head. “Not my finest moment.”

  Sarah patted her daughter’s shoulder sympathetically just as she heard the knock at the door. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you did fine.”

  She had started to head for the back door but then James appeared in the kitchen, having let himself in. He nodded at Sarah but turned his attention to Abby immediately. “You must be Abby,” he said confidently. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” He shook her hand, pumping it so vigorously that her tiny frame moved up and down.

  Sarah could already see Abby’s eyes light up just to have a handsome man’s attention on her, calling her name. Her face glowed and the commotion sent Owen running into the kitchen at full speed. He stopped short right at James’ feet and l
ooked up with his wide brown eyes, “I’m Owen!” He had very nearly crashed right into him.

  James stepped back a bit, laughing. Even in January, he was still wearing sandals, his usual baggy khaki pants and a gray sweater. He turned to Sarah and remarked, “I’d know Owen was yours anywhere. He looks just like you!”

  Sarah smiled. “Yeah I’ve heard that a time or two!” Owen had already grabbed James’ hand and dragged him off to another room, probably to look at LEGO creations or a fort he’d constructed out of furniture and sheets.

  As soon as they were alone, Abby nudged Sarah on the arm. “Wow, he’s really cute, Mom. How long have you been seeing him?”

  She never hesitated to tell her kids the truth, or at least a version of it they could handle. “Since September,” she replied. “Five months I guess?”

  In a few minutes she had all the drinks poured and paper plates, still going for that effortless vibe, set out for their casual dinner. She called everyone back into the kitchen and soon plates were heaped with slices of pizza and breadsticks. They all gathered around the dining room table and Sarah marveled for a moment at how surreal it felt to have a man joining her and her children for dinner once again. But the mood was so different than the one that had existed when her ex-husband sat at the table. Despite the awkwardness of the situation, the mood was light and jovial. Sarah tried not to let a certain thought take hold in her mind: This could be a vision of my future.

  After dinner, they played a board game. Sarah watched James carefully as he interacted with her children. He had an ease about him and a magnetism that drew Abby and Owen to him. Their laughter echoed throughout the house. At nine, she sent them upstairs to bed and looked at James expectantly for an assessment. He grabbed her hand and pulled her down onto the sofa beside him. “Your kids are awesome,” he pronounced.