“Well, there’s a simple reason why I’m able to do that. And why you’re able to reciprocate. We have this connection that defies logic...it defies any law of nature. Our souls speak to each other through our bodies. It’s not just you, it’s not just me...the sum is greater than its parts.” She watched the understanding seep into his expression. “And I’ve never felt this depth or intensity with anyone else.”
He said nothing, but held her tightly against him. Nothing he could say would augment the beauty of the words she’d just shared. She shut her eyes and listened to the steady heartbeat emanating through his flesh and bone. She thought about her own heart, contentedly pounding away in her newly healed rib cage, and wondered if she could ever say the words that would make him want to hold her heart in his hands forever.
***
In the morning they witnessed the sun rise over the beach, which was deserted except for a dozen shorebirds strutting in the surf. “The ponies aren’t even up this early,” James remarked, glancing at his watch. “Not even 0600 yet. We must be crazy.”
Dawn was a lady in pink and amber robes, spreading her flowing sleeves across the horizon, spilling a basket of gold onto the crests of faraway waves. “You’ll thank me someday,” Sarah smiled, taking his hand as they strolled north. She had imagined walking like this with a lover, their feet pressing into wet sand while the surf crashed behind them, washing the record of their footprints away. It may be in the top ten cheesiest, supposedly romantic activities, Sarah considered, but there is really something to it.
She breathed deeply as they walked, slowly acclimating to the paralyzing cold of the Atlantic with each wave that rippled over her bare feet. Her khaki pants were rolled up to her mid-calves to avoid getting wet and she zipped her navy windbreaker up to her chin while clutching onto James’s arm for added warmth. The sun will soon climb and warm the entire island, she promised herself. The cold won’t last forever.
She considered how lucky she was to be walking alongside him. Only six weeks prior she’d been in the hospital, grateful her life was spared in the wake of tragedy. It was the worst time of the semester to deal with the repercussions of the accident. She got behind in grading and then suddenly it was Finals Week, and she was still dealing with the pain from her injuries plus nightmares over her former student who had perished in the crash. Her mother, the kids, Rachel, Jack, Pawel and James had all pulled together to make sure that Sarah remained rested, fed, hydrated, caught up at work, and sane. I could not possibly have a better support system, she realized. I am blessed beyond measure.
What troubled Sarah the most was despite being fully cognizant of her blessings, she still wanted more. Here she was walking hand in hand with the man she loved, knowing he was going off to serve and protect their country, yet she selfishly wanted him to stay and be hers. There was no promise he would come back to her, either literally or figuratively. There were no guarantees.
Knowing the odds could be stacked against her filled her with insecurities and an anxiety so strong that not even her wisest, most well-developed synapses could fire the right soothing words to allay her fears. And it was in quiet moments such as this walk on the beach that she knew she should shut off the negativity and enjoy the peace and joy she felt at being with him. Yet those unchecked and mounting fears rose up like a fire-breathing dragon to expel words out of her mouth like a blast of acrid flames.
“What is it about Maggie?” Sarah asked, regretting the words before they were even fully released. Now I’m committed to it, she realized, stopping for a moment to literally dig her heels into the sand. “What draws you to her?”
She felt him stiffen as he always did when Sarah spoke her name. She knew how much he hated talking about Maggie, but she’d also told him approximately four million times how important it was to talk openly about their other partners. Transparency, she always preached.
“She’s...,” he paused to choose his words very carefully, “...smart and pretty, like you. But she is much more traditional. She understands my family and comes from a similar background as me. We share the same roots, you know?”
Sarah nodded. “What else? There’s got to be more than that,” she conjectured, secretly hoping there wasn’t actually more.
“We want the same things. We share the same views. She was an army brat too so we both grew up moving all over the place and landed as the new kids at our high school. That’s how we met. In the school office…our dads had been transferred there at the same time,” James shared as if he was convincing himself as much as her. “She wants a family. And she’s Catholic. She wants a traditional Catholic upbringing for her kids.”
“Really?” Sarah was flabbergasted, never expecting faith to be on the list of Maggie’s positive attributes. “I didn’t realize religion was so important to you.”
“Well, it’s not in a fundamentalist, praying-all-the-time, going-to-confession sort of way, no,” James explained. “But I think I want a religious foundation for my kids. Like I had.”
Sarah struggled to conceal her shock. She started to wonder about some of the things they had done sexually and wondered how he reconciled them with his beliefs. Does he think I’m a sinner? she wondered. “So, if I could have kids and I was Catholic, would you want to have kids with me?”
He looked at the ground as if he couldn’t believe she was posing this question. “You know I haven’t made any decisions about this yet, Sarah; I don’t know why you keep pushing me.” His voice was stern and closed-off, an attempt to shut the conversation down.
“I just want to know what you see in her,” Sarah admitted solemnly. “I want to understand what you want.”
“The problem is I don’t know what I want,” he shot back rashly. “Look, I’m leaving in a few weeks and I have to focus on that right now. I don’t want distractions.”
“Is that what I am? A distraction?” Sarah demanded. “Are you going to see her before you go?”
He nodded, ignoring the first questions. “She’s coming next week to visit,” he replied coolly. “And I’m going to Ohio for a week before I leave...to say goodbye to my family.”
Sarah’s heart felt like it was going to explode. It’s now or never, she thought. Put it on the line. Tell him what you want.
They hiked down the beach far enough to reach the boardwalk leading to the dunes where their tent was. She sat down on the bench at the end of the wooden boards and emptied her shoes of the sand they’d collected. She scanned the ocean which had turned blue under the rising golden sun. About twenty yards out she saw the shiny steel gray of five dolphins jumping effortlessly into the waves as a pelican swooped down in their wake. She pointed them out to James, smiling. They watched them surface a few times before they were lost in the horizon.
She sat cross-legged, turning to face him. There were gulls crying on the wind as she took his hands into her own. “I know you’re not in a position to make any decisions,” she said. “I respect that. But I want you to know where I stand and how I feel. I can’t send you off to war without you knowing what’s in my heart and the depth of my feelings for you.”
He nodded, looking a little pained to still be entrenched in this conversation. He let out the tiniest, nearly imperceptible sigh of agitation and the sun caught his eyes as the light catches a prism, turning them a brilliant sapphire blue, a more saturated color than she ever recalled seeing in the million times she’d looked into them.
Sometimes when I look at him, Sarah thought, it strikes me all over again how gorgeous he is. And then I wonder what in the hell he sees in me. Sometimes I’m nearly speechless from wanting him.
She knew how much was riding on the words she was about to speak, yet she struggled with the distraction caused by his piercing eyes, the masculine line of his chin, the broadness of his shoulders. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t so devastatingly handsome, she sighed, her mind rearranging the order of the points she wanted to make.
He gazed at her expectantly, his
eyes still aglow. “Everything okay?” he questioned with concern.
“James, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of this for months now. I’ve tried to tell myself that I can move on, that I can let go of you, that I can turn you loose. I know in the beginning I said I didn’t want strings, nothing serious. I wanted my freedom,” she began, carefully gauging his reactions. “But I was wrong.”
“Wrong how?” The agitation she sensed before had vanished. His body language was open, more receptive, his thighs parted, his eyes thoughtful.
“I didn’t want to admit that I was falling for you, that something was growing in my heart for you that I have never felt before. James, I’m head-over-heels, 100%, absolutely, unconditionally in love with you.” She stopped to let him absorb her words.
He suddenly looked like he’d fallen overboard without a life jacket. And I have not yet begun to fight, Sarah added, locking her eyes onto his. Yes, I will fight for you. This is my last chance so you better listen to what I have to say.
He appeared restless, as though it was painful to keep still. It seemed like he needed to move his body to circulate the intensity of her words throughout his bloodstream. She had rendered him speechless. He stood, eyes still engaged with hers, his jaw fixed and lips moist with words he couldn’t form.
She stood too, sliding her arms around his waist. “It’s okay,” she said into his chest, “I don’t expect you to say anything. Just listen to me, okay?”
He nodded, still numb, as she continued. “I know you think Maggie is like you and you can build a family with her, but I don’t think she can make you happy, James. I know I don’t know her, but it’s what my gut tells me...and if there is something I’ve learned in my 37 years it’s that I have really good instincts about people.”
She pulled back to watch his eyes again, to study his mouth for hints of what was churning in his mind before she continued to fling her desperate plea out to him like a life preserver. “I would do anything for you, anything at all, to make you happy. I would have your baby...We’d have to figure out the fertility stuff but we could make it work, I’ve got a few years left. I’d let you raise it Catholic if that’s what you wanted. I would move wherever you wanted to go, wherever your career took us.”
She was still clinging to him till the last sentence. He pulled away and took a few steps toward the shoreline. I’m losing him, she thought, a dagger stabbing her heart.
“But,” she said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back around to face her. “If you decide you want to be with Maggie....if you decide she can make you happier than I can, I will accept that too. I will be sad and hurt. But I will accept it.” Her eyes burned with tears at the thought of losing him to her, this tall blonde phantom that stood in the way of the one thing she wanted. “I’m yours, James. I belong to you.”
With those last words, she burst into sobs against his chest. He closed his eyes and rested his chin against the top of her head, feeling her dark tresses whip against his cheek in the relentless wind. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you, Sarah,” he said with his lips pressed against her hairline. He pulled her toward the dunes and their tent. “Please give me some time. I just don’t know right now.”
He didn’t say no, she thought with a shred of relief. The tiny flame of hope was still alive. It’s the most I can ask for right now. At least I know he knows how I feel.
***
That afternoon it warmed and James and Sarah were able to explore more of the island without shivering in the brutal wind and unencumbered by sweatshirts or jackets. Sarah relished the heat of the sun boring into her pale, wintered skin, absorbing it into her shoulders which were bared in a tank top. They’d gone to the other side of the island, over to the Life of the Marsh trail where the boardwalk trail extended out into the bay. The long boards were littered with oyster shells and piles of horse dung, evidence of the wild ponies. They had yet to catch a glimpse of any of the beasts.
The trail angled through the marsh and then up a ramp and several stairs to an overlook. Across the bay they saw huge houses rising from the water. “Imagine living there,” James remarked. He stood behind Sarah, pulling her body back into his, his arms wrapped around her waist.
“Let’s get a closer look,” Sarah broke away, leading him down another set of stairs and around a bend lined with scrubby bushes and reeds. The boards ended in sand and they were at the edge of the bay. She picked up a crab claw and moved its pincher back and forth as if she was going to pinch James’ arm. He brushed her away, kicked off his boots and waded into the shallow water of the bay. “How is it?” she asked.
“Warmer than the ocean,” he said, “which means it’s almost tolerable.” He laughed and motioned for Sarah to join him. In moments, they were submerged to their knees. He reached down and playfully splashed water up onto Sarah’s light colored tank top. The cool water instantly made her nipples erect.
“You’re asking for it, Lieutenant McAllister,” Sarah giggled, scooping up two hands full of water and dumping it down the crotch of his baggy khaki shorts.
He chased her several yards deeper into the bay, which fortunately remained rather shallow. They witnessed three kayakers go around the bend and out of sight before James grabbed Sarah and dunked her under the water. She came up sputtering and immediately jumped on his back, trying unsuccessfully to bring him down. She was screaming as he hoisted her up and over his shoulder, “Oh my god, put me down! James! Put me down!”
He carried her out of the water and laid her gently the sand that was strewn with soft, dried sea grasses. In moments he was lowering himself on top of her, covering her mouth with his lips before she had a chance to protest. He stroked his finger down her cheek, then pulled her wet tank top up to reveal her hard peachy-pink nipples, eager for his touch. The languid tide of the bay lapped at their feet as his tongue darted over her breast.
“Oh, god, James, that feels so good,” she moaned, arching her back as her nipple disappeared into his hungry mouth. “But we can’t do this here. There’s bound to be more kayakers.”
“But I want you now,” he pouted, rolling off her.
“Let’s go to the other trail and see if it’s a little more secluded, okay?” He nodded with a bit of disappointment and helped pull her to a standing position. They opted to drive the half mile to the other trailhead, which was lined with huge pine trees.
This time the pine needle-covered dirt path wound its way through a forest that gradually gave way to more marsh. The boardwalk they traveled was flanked by clumps of phragmites waving their brown plumes in the breeze. He stole a kiss around one corner and then suddenly froze. She opened her eyes and blinked, noticing she’d abruptly lost his attention. “What is it?” she whispered, afraid they had attracted spectators.
He gently rotated her so they were facing the same direction, right into the path of a beautiful chestnut brown mare, her sandy blonde tail calmly swishing back and forth as if she encountered the sight of humans kissing a hundred times a day. In the distance, past the reeds, were three more mares, a wobbly-legged foal and a stallion. They were all different colors and patterns of chestnut, white, and a darker reddish brown.
Sarah’s heart soared to be sharing this moment with James. They witnessed the foal teeter over to its mother and begin to nurse. She clutched his hand and he squeezed back, both mesmerized by the vision before them, the six wild horses framed by the windswept marshes and in the distance the gently rolling waters of the bay. She thought about how she’d felt standing in the glory of Garden of the Gods with James and now here they were experiencing a completely different type of beauty.
They continued on the path up a bridge to an overlook of the entire scene. The ponies were farther away now but they could still see them grazing on the saltwater grasses, their tails happily twitching. The sun was starting to sink over the bay and casting a dusky glow over the water, a rose giving way to an amethyst shade closer to the horizon and due west a fiery orange sun comin
g closer and closer to touching the earth.
Now that the approaching darkness was affording them more of a cover, James climbed down off the wooden platform and pulled Sarah down into his arms. They waded through the marsh to the spot where the thick supports for the elevated structure bore into the ground. He unfastened his shorts and slid Sarah’s hands down into his boxers where she instinctively wrapped her fingers around his swollen cock. He undid the buttons of Sarah’s shorts and she pulled them down and off, setting them gently on a dry spot a yard away. She couldn’t believe she was standing there, naked from the waist down, in a national park, but glancing around she saw no one but the ponies and they didn’t seem much like voyeurs.
James lifted Sarah up against the wooden pole and she wrapped her bare legs around his waist. He held her ass cheeks in his hands and steadied her against the pole as he drove his erection into her eager wetness. She clasped her hands behind his neck, holding on for dear life as he continued to impale her. He was totally silent except for the heavy breaths falling onto her neck. She muffled her own moans into his broad, muscular shoulders as her orgasm rocked through her body, making her shudder against him. That was enough to send him over the edge as he released his seed deep within her, his hands trembling and struggling to keep his grip on her as he enjoyed the last few spasms of his climax.
Walking back to the car, Sarah reviewed the day: a sunrise, a sunset, the miraculous sightings of dolphins and wild horses, amazing lovemaking surrounded by nature, and one heart completely bared, desperately awaiting its fate.
***
Sarah couldn't believe that the weekend was already drawing to a close. What is it about the two of us that makes the time go so ridiculously fast? she wondered. It’s like we’re in some alternate dimension when we’re together! James' eyes focused on the ribbon of road stretching before them and Sarah counted each little town they drove through as bringing them one point closer to home. I don't want this to be over, Sarah thought. We've come so far in the last two months, we've grown so much and he will be gone in a matter of weeks. Why did we build this up just to have it ripped from our clutches?
The Mountains Trilogy (Boxed Set) Page 29