***
Sarah’s office seemed like a jail cell. She usually looked forward to getting back into a routine and preparing for fall classes, but this year was different. She was getting bigger and more uncomfortable, and she felt pressured to have everything in place for the entire semester before it began, just in case something went wrong and she had to go on bedrest or the baby came early. Dr. Knowling, the chair of her department had been very supportive and was allowing her to finish the semester virtually via the university’s online learning management system, but she still had to get all the files uploaded, lecture notes made into power point slides, and tests written in advance.
Her last OB appointment at twenty-four weeks showed everything progressing normally. Dr. Asaki was pleased that the pregnancy was right on track. Sarah was trying to take advantage of the energy not zapped by the pregnancy and summer heat to accomplish as much as possible before classes began. Not to mention the fact that being in her office gave her a good break from being at home.
Owen was still in Colorado, and Abby was camping on Assateague with the cast of Hair for a few days. The house felt empty and lonely. She flashed back two weeks, to when she had given James an ultimatum about Vanessa. “It’s her or me,” she had said in as plain of words as she could muster.
He didn’t give a definitive answer; he just said he couldn’t promise her anything. He cancelled his plane ticket to Seattle and rebooked one to Ohio. He kissed her goodbye before he left and simply said he needed to be around his family and have some time to think. Sarah hated that her brother’s wedding, what should have been a joyous occasion, was dampened by her situation with James. She tried as hard as she could to bury her pain so she could enjoy the festivities, much like she had at Rachel’s wedding a few years before.
When James returned, he was only home for a few hours before he left to see Vanessa. “So is that your answer?” Sarah asked him, her voice trembling with the potential finality of his response. She felt like a knife was poised over her, its sharp, silver blade prepared to stab her right in the heart.
“I think what you’re doing to me is very unfair. Maybe I want you to stop seeing Pawel.”
“Pawel lives in Poland. I see him twice a year, not every Friday night,” Sarah protested.
“But you love him, right? You feel a special connection with him?” Sarah watched him grab his keys and phone and walk out the door after she failed to formulate a compelling argument.
The next day they found themselves in Dr. McCarty’s office. Sarah detected disappointment on her friend’s face. She had believed James and Sarah were one of her most glowing success stories, and now here they were back in her office on the verge of falling apart.
Sarah had been thinking about this so-called ultimatum. When she first said it, she thought it would snap James back into reality. But she was quickly learning that she needed to be prepared to accept his decision – whether it was to stay with her or not.
“What is it about Vanessa that you take issue with?” Dr. McCarty asked her.
“I don’t have a problem with her except that she is asking for more of his time, and I don’t know how honest she was being with me when she told me that James was temporary until she could find her ‘own’ man. She point blank told me she’s not poly. How do I know that she doesn’t want him for herself? How do I know she doesn’t believe if she just digs in her heels that James will eventually choose her over me?”
James stared at the floor while Sarah dumped out her greatest fears. She felt like they were running loose all over the table and floor, like a bag of marbles that has been spilled.
“James, do you think Vanessa respects your marriage?” Dr. McCarty asked.
He glanced up at her as if he just suddenly teleported to the room and the conversation in progress. “Uh…yes, of course,” he answered, but Sarah wasn’t sure he even knew what he was agreeing with.
“Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that Vanessa has pure intentions,” Dr. McCarty said. “I know she’s not really poly, but let’s say that she’s genuinely looking for ‘Mr. Right’ and James is just ‘Mr. Right Now’ for her. Does that change things? Does that make you feel more at ease?”
“No, not really,” Sarah responded. “The problem is the disconnect I feel right now. I feel like when James is with me physically, that mentally he is with her. I don’t feel like I am getting all of him. I don’t feel like I’m getting any of him, in fact.”
“Talk to him,” Dr. McCarty instructed, gesturing toward James, who appeared to be considerably anguished over being forced to discuss his feelings.
“I feel like you’re not really with me anymore,” Sarah explained, speaking directly into her husband’s blue eyes. They were stormy from the emotions churned up by their session. “I feel like you’ve forsaken me…mentally and physically, when I need you the most.”
He remained silent. “When was the last time you were intimate?” Dr. McCarty asked, looking toward James for an answer.
“Uh, I don’t know. She’s pregnant so…”
“So? The doctor has cleared you for sex, right?”
Sarah nodded. “I think we made love one time after the threesome we had with Vanessa back in June. So that means it’s been almost two months.”
“Two months is a long time not to have sex if you’ve been having it much more regularly,” Dr. McCarty observed.
The couple stared at each other, eyes speaking volumes, but lips silent. Sarah felt the baby kicking at her bladder. “I know I’m pregnant, but I still want to be intimate,” she finally said, her hand pressed against her stomach. “I still need to know you find me desirable.”
“Of course I do,” he replied as if it were as obvious as her expanding belly.
“So, Sarah, you’re basically saying that Vanessa needs to go. You want to exercise your veto rights. But, James, you think she is being unfair. Sarah, is there any arrangement you could envision where James could continue to see Vanessa?”
She sighed so deeply that her whole torso heaved up and down. “I’m not saying no to being poly or him having another partner. It’s just that in light of how their relationship began and the fact that we’re about to have a baby…I just need him to be all in right now. I need all of him. Right now I feel like I’m getting less than half.”
“What do you think about that, James?”
“I can do better. I don’t understand why I have to give up someone I really enjoy. Can’t I just try harder to meet Sarah’s needs?”
And thus, their stalemate continued. They each moved in their own paths across the house, like planets on a fixed orbit, never crossing. James had begun to sleep in the guest room.
“What are you going to do?” Rachel had asked. “He’s not giving her up. Don’t you have to put your money where your mouth is?”
Sarah sadly shook her head. “I don’t know what to do,” she confessed.
“It’s your house. Why not kick him out? He’ll figure out the grass isn’t always greener at some point and he’ll be back. Plus, he wants this baby.”
“I don’t know, Rachel. I just don’t know anymore. I fought so hard for us – to be together, to make things work, to have his baby – and I feel like he’s ready to throw it all away. What the hell is so special about this Vanessa woman?”
“Why don’t you try talking to her?” Rachel suggested. “I mean, it’s not like you don’t know her.”
“Maybe I will. I just – every time I think about her I feel so sick to my stomach.”
“Let me talk to her, then,” Rachel offered. “I’ll put the fear of God in her!” She made a fist and pounded it into her palm, then snarled so that her teeth showed.
Sarah suppressed a giggle. “Oh my god, no, no, no. Absolutely not. You stay out of it, missy! I can’t even imagine…”
“Does Abby know what’s going on with you two?”
Sarah shook her head again. “Not really. I’ve tried to shield the kids as much as possibl
e. Fortunately he and I are able to deliver a convincing performance approximating normal when they’re around.”
“I just know Abby has a special relationship with him. I wondered if –“
“She has enough to worry about in her own love life,” Sarah smiled, knowing that her daughter’s heart was still recovering from the damage Mia had done.
“Just a thought. I feel like someone needs to slap some sense into that man.”
“I know,” Sarah agreed. “I know.”
***
Abby felt like she was participating in a scene from every high school movie ever made when the flames of the bonfire on the beach shot up into the air. So cliché, she thought. It was hard to avoid flashing back to the night she’d spent at the beach with her friends – and Bree – the previous summer. That was the night that she and Bree had “come out.” And then not long after she announced she wasn’t really gay after all. Convenient.
Some people would have never wanted to return to this beach after the good memories had been tainted, she thought. But how can I fault this beautiful place? She scanned from the dunes anchored by scrubby green bushes, across the darkening tide and rosy-violet skies, to the last remnants of the fading sun sinking over the bay on the other side of the island. It’s so different from the mountains, but it’s still stunning. It speaks to my soul. She saw the silver moon rising over the water and shivered as a cool breeze was carried across the surf.
“Cold?” Landon asked, stepping through the sand toward her. “You want my sweatshirt?”
She looked down at the goosebumps emerging on her upper arms. “Okay,” she agreed and slipped it over her head. It was already warm and smelled of salt water and man.
“Better?”
She nodded. Looking around the bonfire she saw that most of her castmates had taken seats on the sand, on blankets, on towels, on a tarp. Garrett produced a guitar and was strumming chords while the group debated what they were going to sing. She noticed that “Sheila” was sitting so close to Garrett, their thighs were touching. Xavier’s boyfriend was sitting between his legs. Boyd’s wife was curled up next to him. And several other castmates were growing closer as the night sky grew darker.
“You wanna go sing with the others?” Landon asked.
“I was kind of thinking of walking down the beach. I love the way the moonlight looks reflecting on the water. You can’t see it as well near the bonfire.”
“Oh. Well, want company?”
Abby smiled. Landon was always so congenial. She loved that about him. Even when she felt like the biggest pessimist in the universe, he could shoot her a look that said, “Come on, you can do it.” That look helped her endure learning all the choreography during rehearsals.
He was such a simple, happy, grounded person – someone who was easy to be around. She was used to Tyler’s arrogance, Bree’s brooding, and Mia’s cynicism. It was refreshing to be around someone who had no expectations, someone who was just happy to be alive.
“Sure,” she answered and she took off toward the north. She slowly inched toward the water, fascinated by the way the seafoam glowed under the moonlight.
“I can’t believe the water is still so cold!” she mused. “Usually by August it’s more tolerable than this.”
“I can’t believe I’ve never been here before. I feel like I’ve been missing out my whole entire life!”
They walked another fifty yards or so. Looking back over her shoulder, she saw the bonfire was becoming smaller and smaller, and she could no longer hear the strums of Garrett’s guitar. Clouds were moving across the nearly full moon, forming a gauzy pearl haze that stretched across the sky and reflected on the water below.
“I can’t believe the show is over,” he shared. “And now it’s back to school. The summer slipped right through my fingertips. As always!” He chuckled as if it was an inevitable human truth that summer always evaporates into thin air.
“I know, I leave on Wednesday for Colorado,” Abby sighed. “I’m not at all ready to go back. I have to see if my dad will let me see my sisters.”
“That whole situation sucks,” Landon agreed. “I hope he gets his head out of his ass. How could he not be proud and accepting of you – no matter what? He’s pretty damn lucky to have you for a daughter.”
Abby felt her lips curl up into a smile that she knew he couldn’t see in the darkness. She remembered the advice that Sam had given her before she left for the summer. “Have a wild summer fling,” she said. “You’ll forget all about Mia.”
She felt like the scars Mia had left were slowly healing. She had sent a friend request on Facebook a few weeks ago, but Abby deleted it. She was tempted to go look at her profile, to see if there were any photos of her that would answer the question of whether or not she decided to keep the baby. Abby was certain she’d been working extra shifts at the restaurant to finance an abortion. Everything seemed to make sense now except why she would betray Abby after making Abby pledge not to hurt her.
But what about Sam’s advice? It’s too late now, Abby decided. Unless I just push Landon to the ground and take advantage of him right here, right now. She laughed at how out of character that would be for her. Although she was fairly certain he wouldn’t protest.
She felt the words erupt from her larynx before her brain could intervene: “Did you ever think about kissing me…after that one night you tried?”
He immediately stopped walking. He didn’t turn toward her, just stopped as if he was paralyzed by the question. What the hell does that mean? she wondered. Then she verbalized the question aloud.
Now he turned toward her so that he was silhouetted in the moonlight. It was too dark to make out his facial features, except for the outline of his long hair blowing in the breeze. “You told me you were a lesbian, and I have tried very hard to respect that. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how my lips would feel on yours.”
Abby had never understood what the word “swoon” meant or even believed it to be a real thing. She had experienced butterflies in her stomach and tingles down her spine but never her current situation: a full body sensation of her legs threatening to fail at the knee while her heart simultaneously leaped out of her chest. She felt emboldened by the hazy moonlit darkness as she let the words bounce off her tongue: “Why don’t you find out?”
Not needing any further encouragement, Landon cradled Abby’s chin in his palm, drawing her face closer until his lips enclosed around hers. They were warm and moist, gentle but hungry all at the same time. After he broke away, he lingered there for a moment, just breathing. He pulled Abby close to his body so she was pressed against him. She could feel his erection pressing through the thin fabric of his board shorts. It had been a long time since she’d felt that.
She began to remember the curiosity she’d felt when she watched Marcus fucking Mia while Mia’s face was buried between her legs. She envisioned snapshots of Marcus’s face gripped with concentration and heard echoes of Mia’s moans. She remembered how his huge, pulsating cock had looked when he brought it to her mouth. But most of all, she remembered wondering what it would feel like inside her.
“Are you okay?” Landon finally asked, his mouth still only inches from hers.
She didn’t answer with words but with her mouth pressed against his again. This time, his tongue explored her lips while his fingers laced in her hair. She wrapped her arms around him, pressing him into her. The hard bulge between his legs was pressed into her pelvis, right above her pubic bone. Her pussy began to respond, the blood rushing back like a long-forgotten dam had just been broken.
In minutes they were on the beach, Abby on her back in the cool, moonlit-strewn sand. I feel like some actress in a cheesy movie, she thought. Between the bonfire and this, the whole night would be a Hollywood cliché if it weren’t for me being gay. But I am, and somehow I feel like a virgin all over again… She was scared but excited, anxious to know which of those conflicting emotio
ns would win out.
She took off the sweatshirt she’d borrowed from him and laid it underneath her torso, then he lifted her t-shirt. Her eyes had finally adjusted to the darkness, and she was sure he was drinking in the sight of her chest bathed in a swath of moonlight. She wasn’t wearing a bra and the cool night hair turned her nipples into buds of granite in an instant. But then his warm, wet mouth was on them, gently sucking, raking his teeth across them, along with the scratchiness of his new stubble. There was something strangely erotic about the scrape of his sand-paper chin across her silky-smooth flesh. It only served to heighten the tension building between her legs.
Oh, god, he’s going to go down on me, she thought as he slid her shorts down around her ankles. No bra and no panties. He probably thinks I’m some sort of freak. But she had been swimming earlier and when she changed out of her bikini, she just threw on the first two items of clothes from her backpack. She tried not to worry about sand getting in unmentionable places. She lifted her backside as he pulled the shorts off and placed them underneath her.
“Is this okay?” he asked as she felt the stubble scrape across her inner thigh.
“Yes,” she sighed, not wanting to find a reason to answer any other way but affirmatively.
At first he licked at her clit gently like a kitten lapping at milk. But once she wove her fingers through his thick hair and pulled him closer, he began to lick and suck at her pussy more aggressively. But all she could think about was his cock pressed against her moments before. And specifically: how big is it? How thick? How would it feel sliding inside me?
“I want you to fuck me,” she said boldly. He seemed to not have heard at first; she thought maybe her thighs or the waves pounding the shore were blocking sound from penetrating his ears. So she repeated herself, louder this time, thankful that the beach was deserted.
His head popped up from between her legs. “Are you sure? I mean, absolutely 100% sure?”
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