"Did you reply to her?" he asked.
"No," Abby answered, her voice tinged with regret. "I wanted to. I felt like I should; after all, she's reached out to me many times. But I just don't know what to say."
"Maybe just congratulations?" Landon smiled. He had a way of making complex things seem simple.
Abby shrugged. "It seems too late now."
"It's never too late to say something kind."
"I'm really going to miss you," she said, a tear slipping down her cheek along the familiar trail blazed just an hour before at the library.
"Likewise. I can't believe I go to this huge school and I've never met a girl there as cool as you!"
"Well, my mother always said I was one of a kind!' Abby joked.
"So, will you snapchat with me? Text me every once in a while?" he asked, a mournful look growing in his deep brown eyes. They were glistening with tears, but she could see he was fighting them back.
"Of course I will! Don't be ridiculous!"
An hour later, they hugged in the parking lot outside the coffee shop, not too far from where James and Sarah had stood talking after their first date several years before. That night, Abby Whispered: I thought I was gay but then I met this incredible boy. Today I had to tell him goodbye. Now I don’t know what I am.
***
Both Sarah's mother and Rachel accompanied Sarah to her next doctor appointment. Twenty-eight weeks, she thought. And I'm about to be a single mom again. She flashed back to her senior year of college
walking across the stage to get her diploma at nearly full-term. She gave birth to Abby just a week later.
Looking back, she hadn't been daunted about parenting alone because she had her mother. Also because she was completely clueless about how much work was involved. After raising one child to adulthood and the other 13/18 of the way there, she was both older and wiser. And now her mother was also older and extensively involved with Dale and his charity work. Sarah felt it was terribly unfair to expect her mother to co-raise this baby like she did Abby and Owen.
Rachel pledged her full support. "I'm still in baby mode, you know. Amethyst keeps me on my toes and since I stay home, I am happy to watch the baby while you teach. And I'm not that far from campus either!"
"I know," Sarah managed, struggling to keep the tears at bay. "I don't know what I would do without you both!" She wrapped her left arm around Rachel and right arm around her mother while they sat in a row
in Dr. Asaki's waiting room, listening for Sarah's name to be called.
"Bringing an entourage with you today, eh?" the nurse said cheerfully as she walked the trio of women back to the exam room.
"We're her ladies in waiting," Kathy joked. "As in we can't wait for this baby!"
Sarah settled herself on the exam table while the nurse started taking her vitals. She could see a frown curling her lips when she took her blood pressure. "Kinda high," she explained. "I'm going to come in and take it again after you speak with Dr. Asaki."
"Okay," Sarah said, her brows furrowed. I don’t need any additional stress right now, thank you very much, she thought. Of course, stress is why my blood pressure is running high. But knowing it's high is only going to make it higher. Ugh. I can't win.
Dr. Asaki breezed into the room moments later with her iPad. "Well, Dr. McAllister, your blood pressure is definitely on the high side. I'm going to have Lindsay come back and retake it in a moment.
But I didn't see any protein in your urine, so I don't think we're quite at the pre-ecclampsia stage -- yet."
"Ugh, I had that," Rachel chimed in. Sarah remembered her best friend confined to her bed or the sofa for the last few weeks of her pregnancy. Sarah had finished painting the nursery for her.
"Have you had any headaches? Abdominal pain? Changes in vision?" Dr. Asaki asked.
Sarah shook her head to all three.
"Okay, that's good. Because of your age and because you were planning a home birth with one of our midwives, who by the way, you'll be meeting at your next visit, I want to monitor you very closely in the next few weeks. If you develop pre-ecclampsia, we won't be able to do the home birth. Good?"
A look of disappointment spread across Sarah’s face. None of this was the way she had envisioned things. She hadn't imagined that James would be gone; she hadn't imagined she wouldn't be healthy; and she didn't think there would be any more obstacles once she got past the first trimester. Why can't things just go the way they're supposed to? she wondered. She’d never been a fan of life deviating from her plan, yet it always seemed to. When will I learn? she chided herself.
Lindsay arrived and grabbed the blood pressure cuff off the wall to take another reading. Sarah looked at the dial moving as the band squeezed her arm so tightly, she thought it might fall off. Shaking her head, the nurse looked up at Dr. Asaki. "It’s higher."
Dr. Asaki typed a few words into her tablet, then looked up at Sarah from her stool. "Is everything okay at home? Are you under a lot of stress right now at work?"
That’s all it took for the dam to break and tears to burst forth. Sara sobbed so violently that she couldn't produce speech. "James left a few nights ago and hasn't been back," Rachel explained on her behalf.
"And her classes start the day after Labor Day," Kathy added. “And her daughter just left for college in Colorado.”
"Oy," Dr. Asaki said. Her face was painted with concern. "That's not good. Sarah, I want you off your feet all weekend. Just read and watch movies or do something relaxing, whatever that may be for you. You really need to keep your head in the game. You're in the homestretch now, my dear, good? We need to keep you and the baby healthy, alright?"
On the way out of the office, Rachel spewed through gritted teeth, "Where the hell does that Vanessa bitch live? I wanna go over there and give them both a piece of my mind!"
Sarah's phone buzzed with a notification. "It's from James," she said, glancing down. "He asked how the appointment went."
Rachel grabbed her phone and typed back: Not good. High BP, on bedrest.
"Why did you do that? I don't want him to know!" Sarah protested.
"Too late!"
He texted back: Take care of yourself, please.
Rachel jerked the phone from her friend’s hands again and keyed in: Hey, selfish asshole, it’s YOUR FAULT.
“For fuck’s sake, Rachel, stop it!” Sarah shouted. One of the nurses shot her a dirty look as she walked past. The trio turned down the hallway toward the exit. Sarah thought she might suffocate if she didn’t get out into the fresh air as soon as humanly possible.
“’Selfish asshole,’” Kathy repeated. “Isn’t that the same term that my darling granddaughter used the other day?”
By then James had responded: Sarah?
“That’s it, don’t answer him,” she demanded.
“Why don’t you want him to know what’s going on?” Kathy asked.
“Because I need to show him I can do this by myself. That I don’t need him,” Sarah replied. “I did it before without him and I can do it now.”
“What if he tries to take the baby from you?” Rachel asked.
Sarah seethed: “He will take my baby over my cold, dead body.”
***
Abby unpacked some of the things she'd brought in her suitcase, but the bulk of her possessions wouldn't be arriving until the next day. Her dad had invited her to stay at their house that night. While she was excited to see her sisters, she was also worried about any probing questions her father or Bobbi might ask. She didn't want to tell them about Landon. She was sure they'd be thrilled to know she'd met a guy she liked, but that doesn't make me straight, she thought. She really didn't want to tell her father and soon-to-be-stepmother anything. If they rejected one part of me, what would stop them from rejecting other parts?
The drive out to her father's house was quiet. She told him a little bit about her job at the library and about the show at the community theater. He talked about his and Bobbi's wedding
plans for the following month. Great, their anniversary is going to be near my mom's and James's, Abby thought, making a mental note to check in on her mom when she left her dad's. And James. I'm going to text him and see if he's gotten a clue yet.
Why do relationships have to be so hard? she wondered as her father pulled into his driveway. She saw the clouds hovering over the mountains in the distance, gray and purple like they were cooking up a
storm. You'd think two people in love or people in a family could just get along. Isn't that what unconditional love is? As betrayed as she felt by Mia, she felt equally betrayed by her father...and by James. He made a commitment to my mother and he's not honoring it. Why are people so self-serving?
Elise was outside with the dog and both creatures ran at Abby so hard they nearly succeeded in bowling her over. She wasn't sure who gave her more kisses, Elise or Blossom, their beautiful Golden Retriever.
"Emma's inside waiting for you!" Elise yelled. Her blue-green eyes were sparkling and she had tan skin and freckles all over her little face.
Emma had transformed into a young woman over the summer. Abby almost didn't recognize her. She gave her a hug and Emma begrudgingly hugged
back. "Did you have a good summer?" Abby asked her.
"It was okay," she answered in her typical non-committal fashion.
Bobbie slinked around the corner from the hallway and immediately instructed Emma to stand up straight. "Oh, hi, Abigail!" she cooed in a fake, sing-songy voice. "It's nice to have you back. We'll have dinner in about twenty minutes." Then she disappeared into the kitchen.
Matt's face was smeared with a huge, prideful smile when he saw all of his girls arranged around the dinner table. He began to pass the meatloaf around the table. Abby only took a small piece; she had always been wary of meatloaf. Elise took more than she could probably consume. Emma passed the platter to Bobbi as if she were playing a game of hot potato.
"Why aren't you eating meatloaf?" Matt asked, the smile still wrapped around his face.
"I don't eat meat anymore," Emma explained.
"Since when?"
"Since last week!" Elise answered in her high-pitched squeal. Emma shot her a dirty look.
"Why won't you eat it?" Bobbi snarled, seeming to take it as a personal attack against her cooking.
"Uh, because factory farming is an abomination?!" Emma said, her voice dripping with condescension.
"If you're not going to eat the meal I prepared, then leave the table," Bobbi demanded.
"I'll eat the mashed potatoes and green beans," Emma said, more meekly this time. She looked to her father, whose grin was finally starting to fade.
"Why is it we have to have an issue every time we sit down to dinner?" he asked. He said nothing about Emma needing to leave the table and instead stabbed a piece of meatloaf with his fork, swiped it through a trench in his mashed potatoes and lifted it to his lips.
Just as he was about to deposit the food into his mouth, Bobbi stood up. "So you're going to let her sit there and disrespect my cooking?"
Abby looked up from her own meal with huge eyes. She couldn't believe Bobbi would make a scene and ruin a family dinner over meatloaf. It was absurd. She glanced over at her father to gauge his reaction, desperately hoping he would put his future wife in her place. Instead he said to Emma, "Go on, now. You can eat your dinner later."
Abby bit her tongue to keep from blowing up with rage. Her younger sister didn't have quite the impulse control and leaped from her chair, knocking her plate to the ground and sending mashed potatoes, green beans, and silverware flying. "I HATE YOU!!!" she screamed at Bobbi with every ounce of pre-teen angst she could muster.
Bobbi stood glaring at her with her hands on her hips. "Are you going to let your daughter talk to me like that?" she screamed back, as much at Emma as at her fiancé.
Everyone looked to Matt as if he were a judge presiding over a courtroom. Abby felt adrenaline coursing through her veins. She wanted to grab Emma and Elise and take them to safety. She knew that Bobbi was overbearing and strict, but it dawned on her in that moment that she was emotionally abusing her sisters. She was constantly admonishing them over the slightest infractions and forbidding them to make any personal decisions about what they wore or how they did their hair -- and now what they ate. She couldn't stand by and watch that happen without saying something. As she rose from the table, she tried to think of what her mother and grandmother would say.
"Bobbi, Emma, we're supposed to be having a nice family dinner. I haven't seen you all in a very long time, and I think everyone should eat whatever they are comfortable eating. Can't we just put our differences aside and enjoy each other?" She was trembling but her words came out smooth, gilded with sensibility.
"Why don't you stay out of it, you freaking lesbian?!" Bobbi bellowed from deep in her chest, spewing venom in Abby’s general direction like a spitting cobra.
Emma's eyes were now as big and round as the plate she dropped on the floor. Elise was crying, her little face beet red and scrunched with a mixture of fear and despair. Abby felt her face begin to burn as the
anger boiled up inside of her. Still, she shoved it back down, trying to hold onto that voice of reason she'd just used. "I don't see what my sexuality has to do with this," she said calmly.
Bobbi turned to Matt and seethed, "Your daughters are the most ungrateful, spoiled brats I've ever seen in my entire life. I've had to be a mother to them since their own mother is a piece of shit, and they can't even eat their fucking dinners without bitching. And this
one --" She pointed at Abby with a long, perfectly-manicured acrylic nail, "She's so fucking out of her mind, she thinks she likes girls. She's a disgusting pervert and I will NOT be in this house as long as
she is!" And with that, Bobbi stormed out of the room and up the stairs. It was now so quiet in the dining room, they could hear Bobbi's footsteps stomping all the way down the hall.
Emma looked as though she might fly up the stairs after her stepmother-to-be and punch her in the throat. Matt stood up from the table, his face demolished by the realization that his entire world had just come crashing down on him. Without a word, he left the dining room and followed his fiancée up the stairs.
Elise was still sobbing and Emma bent down to scrape the food back onto her plate. Nobody said anything for several minutes, but they could hear Bobbi's shrill voice coming through the ceiling. They did not hear their father's.
"Is what Bobbi said about you true?" Emma finally asked.
Abby sighed. "Sort of. I don't know; I'm not supposed to be talking to you about it."
"Talking to us about what?" Elise asked, her sobbing momentarily suspended.
"Abby likes girls," Emma said bluntly.
"Ooooooh," Elise answered, rubbing her teary eyes. And then: "So what?"
"Exactly," Abby smiled. She gathered up the things she had brought to spend the night.
“Where are you going?" Elise asked.
Abby turned to face her sisters, her overnight bag slung over her shoulder. "I love you both so much, but I have to go. I don't feel welcome in this house as long as she's here. I hope you understand. Now that you have your own phone, Emma, you and Elise should feel free to call or text me ANY TIME. I will always be your sister, no matter what, okay?"
Now Elise was sobbing again. Even Emma had tears in her eyes. "Please don't go," she begged. "We need you."
"I know, sweetie.” She pulled Elise close to her and stroked her honey-colored hair with her fingertips. “I wish there was something more I could do. If I could bring you back to my dorm to live, you know I would. Maybe if I get an apartment off campus next year...,” she said wistfully, her voice trailing off, but then she realized that her father was probably going to cut off her support as soon as he and Bobbi tied the knot. "I just want you to promise me one thing, okay?"
"What's that?" Emma asked.
"Don't ever be afraid to be yourselves. You are both awesome. Don't let her take anyt
hing away from you. Do what you know is best for YOU. No matter what."
She gave Elise a kiss on the cheek and hugged Emma. Then, like the night she left her key on the kitchen counter at Mia's, she resolutely stepped outside into the warm, late summer night. She glanced back at the mountains and saw that the storm clouds had dissipated, shuffling off to the south. The sun was sinking behind them, highlighting the top of the ridges in crimson as they curved from the horizon in both
directions. She felt like those giant rocky ridges were big, strong arms wrapping around her, telling her she was going to be okay and to follow her own advice.
***
Chapter Twenty
Another Tiny Golden Chance
The first thing I notice is the sky. It's so expansive, I feel like I can see the edges of the universe. It's the brightest, most surreal blue color I've ever seen, and there are absolutely no clouds. Looking down, I see the infinite sky reflected on the lake. Which I'm in the middle of. In a boat.
What the hell am I doing on a boat?
Then I notice the mountains. They are literally wrapping their arms around the shoreline of the lake like castle walls. From another vantage, I am the pupil, and the lake and the mountains are the iris. We are opening a giant eye to the vast world beyond.
Dorm life can be so lonely, Abby thought as she walked to one of the last empty tables with her tray. She didn't think she was projecting a particularly friendly vibe. She was still lost in thought about the meaning of her latest dream, where she was on a boat in the middle of a lake surrounded by mountains. All my dreams have nature themes, she thought. I wonder what that says about me.
She was also reflecting on the conversation she'd had with her Uncle Adam about the debacle at her father's house a few nights ago. She could envision his burly frame as he shook his bearded face with disappointment at her father's actions. "I wish there was more we could do to help your sisters," he had said.
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