"I know," Abby had replied. "That's the worst part – I feel so helpless. They are stuck in that environment. Now that Emma has a phone, I can communicate with her, but I'm afraid he or Bobbi will cut me off if they find out we’re talking."
Abby's thoughts were interrupted by a pair of fellow students asking if they could sit at her table. She glanced around to make sure they were speaking to her, and then around the room, which was filling up
quickly with students on lunch break between classes.
"Sure," Abby said and forced a smile. It's not that she didn't want to make new friends, it was just that her friends all seemed to hurt her at some point. Except Landon -- so far. He sent her a good morning and
a goodnight text every day since she left Maryland.
"I'm Willow," the girl said as she sat down. "That's Gavin."
"I'm Abby," she said, quickly deciding Abigail was too formal.
"Are you a freshman?" Gavin asked her. His plate was heaped with salad. She had literally never seen such an enormous salad in her entire life.
"Nope, I'm a sophomore," she answered. "You guys are freshmen?"
"I'm a First Year Student," Willow corrected, rolling her eyes. Abby immediately liked her. She was short with a curvy figure and wavy shoulder-length brown hair, plus wide brown eyes behind dark plastic-rimmed glasses. She was wearing a t-shirt that simply said
NERD in big block white letters against a black background.
Gavin replied, "Speak for yourself. I'm a freshman who's not feeling particularly fresh this afternoon, but I'm hoping this salad will help. I need my greens!” He
held up his fork and began to dig into the enormous plate of salad. He looked pretty excited to be doing so.
"Gavin's a Level 16 Raw Vegan," Willow exclaimed as she shoved a greasy chicken finger in her mouth. "Me? Not so much."
"So are you guys...a couple?" Abby asked impulsively. She was struggling to figure out their dynamic.
Gavin glanced up with a serious look in his greenish hazel eyes. He had that reddish-blond hair that made one wonder: is it red? is it blond? But he has freckles, so red it is, Abby thought. "Oh, um...well we
don't really like labels much,” he answered.
Willow slung her arm over Gavin's shoulders. "He just doesn't want to claim me! What about you? Are you partnered?"
She had never heard anyone call it that. It was an interesting way of asking, one that allowed for a neutral, non-gender-specific response. She also appreciated that she was so forward about it. She
wished more people could be as blunt.
"Not at the moment."
"Cool," Gavin replied. "What's your major?"
"Journalism," Abby replied.
"Sociology and Anthropology here," Willow said.
"My mom's a sociology professor at the University of Maryland."
"Really? That's awesome!"
And just like that, Abby had two new friends, seemingly dropped out of the wide blue sky.
***
Sarah sat on the sofa with her feet propped up on the ottoman. She was eyeing her ankles suspiciously as they were starting to look puffy even though the temperatures outside had been steadily falling. Autumn was on its way to central Maryland, and the mornings and evenings had a tart crispness to them like a perfectly ripe apple. She was grading quizzes via the
course management system. Fortunately, the chair of her department had graciously consented to her running her classes online until she was released to travel to campus. Not that he really has much choice
though, she thought, what with the Pregnancy Discrimination Act and all.
She heard a commotion at the back door and assumed that Owen had gotten home from school a little early. Then she realized the footsteps sounded a little too big to be her 110 pound teenage son. By
the time she made this realization, James was standing ten feet away from her. Her heart took off at full-speed, beating so fast that she thought she might be sick. She was too shocked to speak.
"I'd like to talk to you, if I may," he said politely, his face affixed with a neutral expression. He hadn't shaved in about a week and he was sporting nearly a full beard. That meant he hadn't been working.
Sarah shrugged. She really wasn't sure what to say to him anymore. Nevertheless, he placed himself on the loveseat across from her. "I've been in Ohio," he said.
"Oh," was all she could manage. She felt the baby shifting inside of her. A foot kept getting stuck under her ribcage which was less than comfortable. Ohio was where he ran off to two months ago when things got tense, she thought. And it didn't seem to do him any good then. It had been too painful to hope someone or something would knock some sense into him.
"I had a long talk with my dad," he revealed, “and I want to tell you what he said."
"Okay," Sarah answered, wishing he would cut to the chase.
"I told my dad what was going on," he admitted.
"What?!" Sarah's eyebrow shot up. "About Vanessa? And poly stuff?!" she shrieked.
James smirked as if he anticipated her response. "Yes, a little. Not a lot of detail, of course, just that we had an open marriage, and that I'd screwed it up by falling in love, and that my girlfriend wanted more of me than what I could give."
Sarah shook her head with disbelief as the words tumbled out of his mouth in long, resonating strings. She had never in a million years expected James to tell his conservative Catholic parents about their lifestyle. She was surprised James McAllister Sr. hadn't keeled over from a heart attack upon hearing the truth. "How did that go over?"
"He looked right in my eye and said, 'Jamie, all I know is that Sarah of yours is a smart, beautiful, kind woman who has worked her ass off to have your baby. She's got a good head on her shoulders and since you've been with her, we've noticed that you are a hell of a lot happier than you were before. And you're a fool if you don't put her first in every single thing you do in life.’"
Sarah's eyes expanded as her mind painted an image of their father-son talk. He was even speaking with a bit of his dad's affectation. “Then he said ‘you know your mom and I faced a lot of challenges throughout our marriage, but the one thing that helped us the most was putting each other first. We've been married for thirty-five years now, and that's the very best advice I could give anyone about marriage.’"
She watched his eyes fill with tears, glassy pools caught in the rims of his lower lids. "I haven't done that, Sarah,” he said, his voice nearly cracking. “I have only put myself first. Every single thing Abby said about me that night I left was true. I've been a selfish asshole.”
He affixed his eyes to hers and she could nearly see the deep blue irises vibrating with remorse. “For some reason I kept thinking that everything I was doing was the same as you and Pawel. I was thinking, 'I have Vanessa and Sarah has Pawel,' like it was fair. But it's not the same thing because you only see him a couple times a year and talk to him on the phone every once in a while. It's not every week like me and her. Like you already pointed out. But what's even more different is that Pawel doesn't interfere with our marriage. He respects that I'm your husband, and he would never, ever try to come between us.
“At first, Vanessa told me how much she liked you and admired you for being able to share me, but I think she mistook that for weakness and tried to exploit your generosity. She just kept pushing me, confusing me, telling me that I was crazy to marry someone so old and with kids already and all that baggage. She acted like you had done something to trap me, to manipulate me into marrying you."
By this time, tears were streaming down his face uncontrollably, but the words kept pouring out. It was like he had practiced giving her a speech with everything he wanted to say and now it was spewing out his lips as if he were on Auto Pilot.
She wanted to tell him, "It's okay, slow down. One thing at a time," but she kept her mouth closed and her mind open.
"It's over between me and Vanessa," he finally finished. "I just came from there."<
br />
"How did she take it?"
"Not particularly well," he answered, shaking his head. He scratched his chin for a second then shrugged. "I don't like being the bad guy. I don't like having to make a choice at someone else’s expense, as you know.”
Maggie, she thought. He had struggled with that too. But finally he realized he couldn't make us both happy. And now he realizes that he can't make both Vanessa and me happy.
"Thank you," she whispered through the tears that were draining down her throat. "But how do I know it's really over? That she won't pop back up again in a few weeks?"
He thrust his phone toward her. "I deleted her number. I told her not to call. I reminded her you are having our baby, and our baby is the most important thing in my world. Next to you, of course. And she was pretty pissed off and told me it was okay because she never wanted to see me again either." He laughed.
"Such a heartbreaker," Sarah sighed.
He grew serious once again as he leaned toward her. "I'm glad I went home, Sarah. I needed some perspective, some peace. I know I was just there in the summer, but both my sisters and their kids were over at my parents' house the whole time I was there. It was so damn noisy and chaotic. Don't get me wrong, I loved seeing everyone, but there wasn't really any time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with my old man."
"I'm glad you have that kind of relationship with him." Sarah had always admired her father-in-law. He seemed like a loving and no-nonsense kind of man, and she knew he’d been a good role model for James. He was one of the reasons she knew James was going to make a good father to their child.
"Me too, I'm a lucky guy. Which brings me to my next thought..."
Sarah wanted to pinch herself to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. The past week she had wondered over and over again if he would come back. She hoped he would, but she was preparing herself for the worst. That’s what she always did. But in a corner of her heart, tucked away amongst her wildest, craziest dreams there was a shining beacon of hope planted the day of Rachel and Jack’s wedding when the rocks at Garden of the Gods sang to her like a choir of mother earth angels.
“What’s that?” she finally answered him before she got too lost in memories.
“I know you’re not going to like this since you’re halfway to tenure at your job, but next year I’m up for a reassignment and there’s no guarantee that I’ll get to stay here. I can give a few choices. And—“
“What?”
“My parents want to move back to Colorado,” he said.
“Really? And leave your sisters in Ohio?” Sarah could hardly believe her ears. They were the most ridiculously doting grandparents she’d ever seen. She knew that her mother-in-law was dying to get her hands on her new grandbaby. They had planned to leave for Maryland as soon as Sarah was in labor.
“Patty’s husband just got transferred to Boulder,” he shared. “They are moving sometime before Christmas.”
“Wow, really? What about Allie?” James’s sisters were practically attached at the hip. Sometimes Sarah was envious since she didn’t have a sister of her own. Nor did Abby. Although I do have Rachel, she considered. She’s as close to a sister as I’ll ever have. She wished Abby had a “Rachel” in her life.
“Well, she seems to think it would be a great place for her and Dan to start their new business, so they’re looking into relocating as well.”
“So, your entire family is thinking about moving to Colorado?” Sarah laughed.
James nodded. “I know that’s where you’re from and I know you really don’t have ties here except for your job… I didn’t know what you’d think about me putting in for Fort Carson. I mean, you’d be close to Abby for her last two years of college. And –“
“But what about my Mom? And Rachel?” Sarah protested.
“I don’t know. Maybe they’d want to come too? I mean, Rachel’s family is out there already…”
“Yeah, but Jack’s isn’t. And Dale is here so I don’t know if my mom would want to move,” Sarah argued. “She might be tired of following me around the country!”
His brow furrowed. “I miss my family, Sarah. You’ve always had your mom. I haven’t lived near my parents since I was in high school. They’re getting older and I don’t know how much time they have left. And we’re having a baby. I want them to be involved grandparents.”
“It’s going to take me a while to find a job out there, and you won’t have much notice if you get a transfer. I mean job-hunting in academia is like a 6-12 month process.”
“I thought maybe you’d rather stay home with the baby,” James pointed out. “Maybe write or teach online at some point.”
“It’s a lot to think about right now. I mean, I know you’ve been stewing about it probably the entire seven hour drive home, but I need some time to process, okay?” she pleaded.
He smiled, the first true smile she’d seen spread across his face in a long time. How she had missed that smile and knowing it was for her. She started to stand up, but he stopped her. “No, you’re supposed to be resting!” He knelt beside the sofa and laid his head on her breasts. She stroked his hair and watched his eyes close. His whole face was relaxed and peaceful.
“I feel like I’m home,” he said softly. “Not because I’m in Maryland, but because I’m here with you. Wherever you are is home.”
***
Abby wasn’t sure she’d ever clicked faster with two human beings than she did with Gavin and Willow. Sure, she eventually became very close with Chloe, Tyler, Bree, her sister Brooke, Maddy, Mia and Landon, but it had been a much more gradual process. After that fateful day at lunch when they’d ask to join her at her table, they had eaten nearly every meal together.
And in only a few days, she was spending most evenings hanging out with them in one of the three’s dorm rooms, tucked away in a student lounge, or at the library. They’d sit with their books and laptops, chatting and thinking about starting their homework, which they’d get around to eventually.
During those evenings in their dorm rooms, they’d have much louder and raucous conversations than they’d allow themselves to have in the very public space of the dining hall. One evening, Willow, who tended to be the blunt, tell-it-as-it-is Rachel of the group point-blank asked Abby, “So do you like girls or what?”
Abby felt her skin redden. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of her sexuality, it was more that she still wasn’t sure how to characterize herself. Sometimes she asked herself if she was more attracted to Willow or Gavin and she honestly wasn’t sure. There were times she could see herself being intimate with either of them, which was both exciting and confusing to her.
“Well…I…,” she stammered, searching for the right words. “I mean, yeah I like girls. But I like boys too.”
“So, you’re bi? That’s cool,” Gavin said. He deemed most everything “cool.”
“Yeah, but it’s weird,” she struggled to explain. “It’s like I find myself attracted to certain people, and it doesn’t really matter if they’re male or female.”
“Oh, you mean you’re pansexual,” Willow asserted.
Abby stared at her with a blank expression painted on her face.
“Pansexual,” Willow repeated. “It’s liking someone with no regard to their biological gender or gender identity. You like them as a human first, like what you just said.”
Wow, Abby thought, that’s exactly what I am. She hadn’t realized there was such a thing. Later that night she was still thinking about the term when she laid her head against her pillow in her dark, quiet dorm room. She wasn’t expecting to have an epiphany when she crawled out of bed that morning. But here she was just hours later, years of confusion seemingly evaporated with the introduction of one simple word into her lexicon. She texted Landon to reveal her newfound knowledge.
He texted back: I’ve never heard of that either. That’s super awesome. Congrats!
Then she pulled out her phone and Whispered: I thought I was gay, then bi, but now
I know I’m really pansexual. Wow. It feels right.
***
There was never a better time for hiking in Garden of the Gods than fall. Abby laced up her boots and headed downstairs to meet Willow and Gavin. They were taking one of the campus buses over to the park along with twenty or thirty other early weekend risers. Abby thought about the fact that she would have never gone on a group excursion like this during her freshman year, but hanging out with her new friends had opened up a lot more doors. Willow and Gavin didn't just like to sit around talking, they liked to go out and do stuff too.
She was learning that in addition to being spontaneous and selectively social, they were open and free. Yes, they were intimate with each other, but they didn't exclude Abby. Both of her new friends would hold her hand or kiss her on the lips regularly. There wasn't any pressure for more. It was very much a vibe
of "just doing whatever feels natural." She never felt like a third wheel.
They rounded the bend of the sidewalk as it curved around Kissing Camels, and Abby stopped dead in her tracks. In a distance she saw a curvy figure, a shape she would recognize anywhere. At first she was thrown off by the bleach blonde hair with a raspberry-colored streak and the plaid stroller, but she was certain it was Mia. "Hold on a second," she said to Willow, who was walking beside her.
"What is it?" Gavin asked.
"See that girl over there with the pink and blonde hair?" Abby nodded toward Mia, trying to keep from pointing.
"Yeah?"
"That's my ex-girlfriend Mia."
"What, really?" Willow's dark eyes expanded behind the thick lenses of her glasses.
"Hold on, I'm going to go talk to her," Abby said resolutely. She took a deep breath and began to surge toward her before Gavin or Willow could stop her. They watched their friend from a distance wondering if they should accompany her or intervene.
Mia took one look at Abby and threw her arms around her, nearly knocking her to the ground. "Oh my god, what are you doing here?"
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