One thing he struggled with was getting his driver’s license. It’s not that he wouldn’t have the intelligence or inability to drive a car, but that it was not yet legal for zombies to drive. Gordon fought for zombie rights as well, and he was going to take his stand with allowing zombies to drive.
Although illegal, his friends and family had no problem teaching him how to drive. The driving instructor at school even let him take the written test, which he got a perfect score on. His next plan of offense was to convince the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to let him take the driving test.
He finally wore them down, and they agreed. He would arrive at the License Branch an hour before they opened, and an employee would accompany him for the driving test.
As everyone that knew Gordon expected, he was driving perfectly. The test giver had marked every area as above average, and they were headed back to the branch. They were sitting at a stoplight. The light turned green. Gordon looked both ways and proceeded to go through. The driver of large delivery truck nearing the red light suddenly had a stroke, and his foot slammed down on the gas pedal. The front of the truck hit the side of Gordon’s car in full force.
In the accident, a large portion of the truck’s windshield slid down the front of the truck into Gordon’s car, beheading him and killing him immediately.
The entire school was saddened by the loss of such an amazing classmate. His parents started a scholarship fund in his name which has grown more popular every year.
Now, recipients of the Gordon Hopkins Scholarship for Outstanding High School Zombies have their post-secondary education costs provided for them, and can usually go to any school of their choosing.
(back to TOC)
****
True Bravery
Garrett was the hero of all of his friends. They thought he was so brave with all the daredevil stunts he did.
He was the best at parkour because it seemed like he had no fear. He could easily scale the sides of tall buildings, and he jumped the furthest from building to building.
People hired Garrett to walk their pit bulls and rottweilers. He owned poisonous snakes that no one dared touch. His friends would dare him to eat the spiciest foods without water.
The quietest of his friends was a zombie named Quinn. Quinn rarely talked and seemed meek and reserved. The ladies didn’t faun over him, and he didn’t have any other friends outside of their small group.
On a dark, stormy night, Garrett and Quinn were walking home through a back alley when they were jumped from behind. A mugger held a gun up to them and demanded their wallets.
Quinn handed his wallet to the crook, but Garrett refused to cooperate. Acting irrationally, he charged at their attacker. The man shot, and Garrett fell to the ground.
With his patient, quiet style, Quinn approached the mugger without fear. Although he was shot in the ensuing struggle, since he was a zombie, the wound wasn’t fatal. He was able to get the gun from the robber and call the police. Calmly, he applied pressure to Garrett’s wound while waiting for help to arrive.
Because of Quinn’s quick thinking, Garrett got the help he needed, and the wound healed completely without any lasting damage.
From that day on, all of Garrett’s friends had a new respect for Quinn’s bravery.
(back to TOC)
****
The Triathlon
There was once a prestigious Olympic swimmer named Eric who had won several gold medals. One day he was attacked by a mugger, and as a result, he died and became a zombie.
Where he had been a celebrity in real life, no one wanted anything to do with him in real life. All of his swimming friends abandoned him. So he moved away to a new town, but still no one wanted anything to do with him.
In an effort to prove that he was the same person he used to be, he started entering local races. An athlete named Estevan was the local champion and somewhat of a hero in that little town.
On the morning of the first race, when the runners were warming up, Estevan saw Eric and laughed. “A zombie? In a race? What a laugh! His foot will probably fall off before he reaches the finish line.”
Eric ignored him and focused on the race. Estevan won, as expected, and Eric finished in the back of the pack.
Before the next race, Estevan said, “Hey zombie, you survived the last race? Do you have enough life to finish this one?” Of course, Estevan won again, and Eric found himself closer to last place.
Eric started to think, “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I don’t have the same physical strength I had in life.” He considered dropping out of the next race.
Several days before the race, word reached him that the local bookies were slating him to win. A lot of money was on his victory. He was confused and wanted to avoid the embarrassment, but when race day came, he found the courage to show up.
Again, Estevan said, “Wow, you haven’t given up yet zombie? Break a leg!”
The meeting point was on the edge of a large lake. The organizers pointed to a flag in the distance, directly across the lake, and told the participants that was the finish line. Estevan went pale, whiter than Eric. Eric was smiling from ear to ear.
The emcee fired the gun, and the racers were off, swimming across the lake. Eric easily pulled into the lead and got to the finish line well before anyone else.
The last person across the lake was Estevan. When he got to the other side, Eric was waiting for him. He helped him up out of the water and said, “Great job. Did you know how to swim?”
“Not before today,” Estevan said.
“Would you like some lessons?” asked Eric.
From that day on, the two of them trained together and started finishing races side by side, both on land and in water.
(back to TOC)
****
Football Team
“Come on, we’re going to miss kickoff,” called the guys to the girls talking in the back of the car. The girls rolled their eyes and climbed out of the car.
They joined hands and walked into the football stadium. They took seats right behind the band. The cheerleaders were dancing in front of the crowd, accompanied by the band. One of the boys whistled at the cheerleaders, and his girlfriend smacked him on the arm and said, “Larry!”
“Oh, I love you too Sue!” he said and gave her a huge kiss.
Finally, the game kicked off. Their star player, the quarterback named Earley, got the ball and lobbed a perfect touchdown pass to one of his receivers on the first play from scrimmage.
The home team dominated throughout the whole game. The two couples barely paid attention. Larry spent his time watching the cheerleaders or talking to his friends in the band, and his girlfriend was pissed.
So she stormed down the bleachers and watched the game from the sidelines. Earley took a seat on the bench and drank a bottle of Gatorade while the defense was on the field. Sue waved to him through the fence.
“You’re playing great tonight,” she said, flirting.
“Thanks!” he replied. “At least I didn’t break a leg this time.”
She laughed nervously, not sure if she got the joke. He took off his helmet, and she saw blood dripping down his forehead. “Oh no, you’re hurt,” she said.
He wiped his forehead and looked at the back of his hand. “Oh no, that’s normal.”
“Normal?” she asked.
“Yeah, when I was turned into a zombie, I got this wound. Sometimes, especially when I sweat, it bleeds.”
She was shocked. “You’re... You’re a zombie?”
“Yep,” he said and put his helmet back on.
He went back to win the game almost single handedly. The whole time, Sue stood on the sidelines cheering him on.
At the end of the game, he pulled her to his side and gave her a huge kiss. As they walked off the field together, her now ex-boyfriend called out, “Zombie lover!”
She yelled back, “You bet! He’s better than you ever were! I love zombies!”
(back to TOC)
****
Super Zombie!
A woman and her five year old son were walking through the mall on a busy Saturday afternoon.
“Toys, Mama!” the boy said as they walked by the toy store. The storefront was filled with little electronic toys. A train ran constantly around a track surrounding the display. Kids with controllers ran remote control cars around in a box. Little monkeys would climb up a tree, slide down a slide, and then climb back up. A puppy would walk five steps forward, bark, do a backflip, and start it all over again. “Puppy, mama!”
“Come on honey,” she said, held his hand, and guided him along.
They walked by the pet store with the dogs and cats in the windows. “Kitty, mama!”
“Come on honey,” she said again, a bit less patiently this time, and took him into the shoe store.
She put him on a bench in the section she wanted to look in and told him, “Stay right there.”
Although anxious to go play with the toys, he sat on the bench and fidgeted waiting for him mom to finish. A man walked by with a dog. “Puppy, Mama!” the little boy said.
“That’s nice honey,” she replied and went back to talking with the sales lady.
The man heard him and stopped. The dog sat down. “Come on over,” the man beckoned.
The little boy slid off of the bench and walked over to the dog, just outside the front of the store. “It’s okay, you can pet him,” said the man.
People walked around them as he petted the dog, and some gave them dirty looks for being in their way. “Here, let’s go over there where it’s less busy,” said the man, leading him away from the store.
The little boy followed him and the dog through the mall and outside. Before they got to the van parked on the curb, a zombie in a cape and an S on his shirt said, “Stop right there kidnapper!”
The zombie threw his arm down the sidewalk, and the dog ran after it. He grabbed the kidnapper’s hands, forced them behind his back, and pinned him to the ground. Super Zombie told the boy, “Wait right there, and your mom will come get you.”
As soon as he said that, mall security came out and took over the kidnapper and the dog. The kid’s mom was right behind them. She was crying, and she picked up her little boy and hugged him, saying, “Oh my boy! I was so worried about you!”
Then she turned to the zombie and said, “Super Zombie, thank you so much! How can I ever repay you?”
“Just doing my duty, ma’am,” he said, and walked away.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a bank was getting ready to close for the day. They were taking care of the last few customers before they locked their doors.
The last customer was wearing a baggy hooded sweatshirt, with the hood pulled up over his baseball cap, which was pulled low over his face. The brim was touching his dark sunglasses. Before he got up to the counter, he pulled out a gun and yelled, “Everybody to the floor!”
He pointed the gun at the tellers and screamed, “If one of you even thinks about pushing a button, I’ll blow your brains out so you’ll never think again.”
He picked out one teller and said, “You. Go to the safe and fill these bags.” He threw her a couple duffel bags. “I will be checking it for any ink packs or trackers before I leave, and if I find any, your ass is grass. Now go!”
She scurried into the back, and he made his way around the counter. Before she could come back, a zombie ran in through the front doors. “Stop bank robber!” he yelled.
The robber shot the zombie in the chest. The zombie just yelled, put on a bike helmet with an S imprinted on the top, and charged at the robber. The man shot several more times, but the bullets didn’t stop Super Zombie.
Super Zombie disarmed and detained the robber until the cops arrived. “Thank you Super Zombie,” they said.
“You are welcome,” said Super Zombie. “I am just doing my service to this wonderful town.”
(back to TOC)
****
Scrooged
“Get that report on my desk by the end of the day,” yelled Mr. Harvey into the phone before slamming it back into the receiver.
He sat back in his leather upholstered office chair, picked up the remote, and turned on the baseball game. He paged his secretary and ordered her to bring him a cup of coffee. Then he called his bookie and made a bet on the game.
His secretary came in his office carrying a fresh pot of coffee and his cup. “What the hell took so long?” he asked.
She just said, “Sorry,” and placed the tray on his desk.
“Your outfit doesn’t conform to the dress code,” he said as she turned to leave. “All women are required to wear skirts.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Would you like me to go home and change?”
“No need,” he said, and went over to his closet. He pulled out a short black skirt and threw it to her.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, taking the skirt.
“No need,” he said. “You can change right here.” Then he sat in his chair and made himself comfortable, facing in her direction.
“Thank you for the offer,” she said, “but I need to go get some panty hose.”
“That’s not required,” he said.
Uncomfortably, under his watchful eye, she took off her slacks and pulled on the skirt, trying to pull it down over her legs as much as possible. He nodded his approval, and she left.
He picked up his phone again. “Mrs. Edson, can I see you in my office please?”
A few minutes later, a woman in her early thirties, looking haggard and tired, came through the door. Mr. Harvey leaned forward in his chair and said, “You’ve called in sick the past three days.”
“Little Johnny, my son, has been sick. In fact, he actually succumbed to his illness, but the doctors were able to revive him as a zombie.”
“And how did that make YOU not able to work?” he asked.
She stared at him open-mouthed for a second before she said, “I brought in a doctor’s note.”
“But you were not sick. That is not a valid excuse for missing work. You’re fired.” He leaned back in his chair.
“Please,” she begged, “give me another chance. Johnny’s dad is gone, and we’re behind on the rent, and it’s just me to support the both of us, and...”
“We’re done here,” he said. “Please leave.”
Around three-o-clock, he turned off his computer and TV, picked up his briefcase, and left the office. “I’m going to be gone for the rest of the day. Send all of my calls to voicemail,” he said to his secretary.
It was raining hard on his drive home and visibility was low. He did see kids walking home from school in raincoats and huddled under umbrellas. He made a special effort to go full speed through every muddle puddle next to them that he could.
While he was focusing on drenching the last group of kids with his car, he missed the stop sign and barreled right through. A delivery truck was passing through at the same time, and it hit his car straight on the driver’s side door. The bumper crashed through the side window and directly hit Mr. Harvey’s head.
He awoke the next day in a hospital room. “Ah, Mr. Harvey, it’s good to see you up,” said the doctor when he walked into the room. “I’ve got some good news and bad news for you.”
“What happened?” the CEO asked.
“You were in a car crash,” the doctor replied. “Your injuries were too extensive, and we weren’t able to save you.”
He looked at the doctor, perplexed.
The doctor continued. “But we were able to reanimate you. You’ll have a few special accommodations you’ll need to make in your daily life, but eventually you’ll get used to them and be able to go about your business as you used to.”
“You mean I’m a zombie?” Mr. Harvey asked. The doctor nodded.
While recovering, the businessman had time to reflect on his life. He was sad that he was technically dead, but grateful that he was given a second chance.
While
in the hospital, he saw Mrs. Edson and her son. He stopped her in the hallway. “When you have all your affairs in order,” he said, “your job is still available and waiting for your return. Take as long as you need.”
Tearfully, she thanked him.
Finally, the doctor released him from the hospital. He went back into his office the next day. “Thank you for taking care of the office while I was away,” he told his secretary. “You’ve done such a great job. Take the rest of the day off, with pay.”
“Thank you Mr. Harvey,” she said, and prepared to leave after filling him in with the current state of affairs in the business.
“By the way,” he caught her before she walked out the door. “I’m going to make changes to the dress code.” She looked worried. “Slacks are now okay.”
She nodded her thanks and left to enjoy the rest of the day with her family.
After all of the employees got over the shock of their CEO’s change in attitude, they nominated him for CEO of the year, and he won. He made great strides in getting zombies accepted in the workplace, showing that a zombie could be an effective CEO of a major company, even better than his living counterpart.
(back to TOC)
****
Marathon
“Get a load of that guy,” one of the weightlifters said.
Another set down his weights with a clang. “What’s he doing here?”
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 16