“I can’t believe they let him in the pool,” said the girl who was on a muscleman’s arm.
“That’s disgusting,” said the first man.
As they were talking about him, the zombie in a tank top and track shorts ran past the weight room next to the track. He saw them looking, smiled, and gave a friendly wave.
The girl shuddered and said, “Don’t zombies breed disease? Will we get infected using the same showers as him?”
“Well you won’t, you’ll be in different showers.”
“It’s the same water, duh,” she said.
A middle aged woman was walking through the weight room from her yoga class and said, “I think it’s a brave thing that zombie is doing. He’s training for a marathon.”
“No way,” said a runner who had just stopped to rest from jogging around the track. “That’s what he’s been doing? How in the world does he think he could win?”
“He seems to be in pretty good shape. You know, for being dead and all,” said the yoga lady.
Over the next few months, everyone in the gym was talking about the zombie. When the day of the marathon finally arrived, it was the biggest turnout that the organizers had ever seen.
The participants lined up at the starting line, giving the zombie a big berth. The starting gun was fired, and the runners took off. Since they gave the zombie so much room, he had the space to gain on the other runners.
Before long, he was in second place. He ran faster, careful not to break a leg or strain something that wouldn’t heal. When the first place runner got tired, he started to slow down. The zombie didn’t get tired, and that gave him the chance to pull ahead.
Everyone was surprised when the zombie ran through the ribbon at the finish line. They raised him on their shoulders and cheered for him and carried him to the first place stand.
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Classics
The Little Zombie
In the kingdom of the zombies, the king and queen had five daughters. The princesses were forced to stay inside the boundaries of the kingdom until their 15th birthdays when they could travel to distant lands.
The four oldest princesses brought back gifts and stories from the other kingdoms they visited. While waiting her turn, the youngest princess, Erica, became obsessed with everything from the outside world. Along with the trinkets and spices she received from her sisters, she also got souvenirs from travelers passing through their lands. She gathered together a whole collection of kitsch and longed for the day she could travel.
In addition to her collection, her other hobby was singing. Although all the sisters we beautiful singers, Erica had the most beautiful voice in the land.
On her fifteenth birthday, a page took her to the borders of the nearest kingdom. She gazed upon the beautiful white towers of their castle and asked to go further.
“Not this time,” said the page. “The humans in the distant lands are afraid of the undead. To go inside their lands, you must be covered and masked, and you will need the protection of our knights.”
While they were talking, a group of hunters had gathered on their horses in the trees below. Erica watched in wonder. One seemed to sit taller than the others on the most beautiful horse, and the other men seemed to have great respect for him. He had beautiful long dark hair and a handsome face.
“Who is that?” the princess asked. She had fallen in love with the man at first sight.
“That is the prince,” explained the page.
“When a knight is with me and I am in disguise, can I go meet him?”
“Probably not,” the page admitted. “He lives in the castle and is very important. If they found out that you were a zombie that close to the prince, they would kill you immediately.”
It was with great sadness when the time came to ride back to their own castle. Later that night, the princess asked her mother about the humans that she saw.
“Humans are very fragile,” the queen explained. “They can easily be killed. But they also heal from their wounds, and their skin is bright and full of life.”
“Why don’t they like us?”
“They don’t know us and they are scared. Humans are afraid of things they don’t understand how to kill. But sometimes, they come over to us. Many of our knights were humans at one point.”
The princess’s eyes lit up. “If humans can be zombies, then can zombies be humans?”
“I’m sorry,” the queen shook her head. “It doesn’t work that way.”
That night, the princess couldn’t sleep. All she could think about was the prince and becoming a human. The next day she asked to go into the neighboring kingdom in disguise, but sensing her over-excitement, the king refused to let her go.
Instead, she went to the voodoo priestess and told her of her dilemma. The priestess said that she could turn the princess into a human, but only under certain conditions. First, she must give up her greatest asset, her beautiful voice. Also, she must remember that she will get all the qualities of a human, which means she could easily be killed, by sword or disease. And finally, if the prince marries another woman, the princess in her human form will surely die of heartbreak the next morning.
After considering all of this, the princess still agreed. The voodoo priestess traveled with her to the borders of the two kingdoms. There, she has the princess sing her final beautiful song, and she captures the voice in a crystal vial mixed with a red liquid. As the vapor from the princesses lips mixes in the vial, all of Erica’s wounds heal, life comes to her skin, and she becomes fully human. The voodoo priestess gives her a beautiful gown, and Erica walks into the other kingdom.
Meanwhile, the prince was riding alone through the forest to visit the temple. A pack of wolves surrounded him and cornered his horse. His horse bucked and threw him off its back, and the prince’s head hit the trunk of the tree behind him, knocking him out cold. Erica saw this and ran down to scare the wolves away. A girl who had also visited the temple ran down at the same time and tried to wake the prince. He regained consciousness temporarily, enough to see the girl’s face. A wolf broke away from the pack that the zombie princess scared away and chased the girl from the temple away.
The prince is soon awakened by his horse. Although his head hurts, he seems to be well. He found the zombie princess on the ground nearby, and she is hurt by bites from the wolves. He takes pity on her injuries and lack of voice, admires her beauty, and takes her back to his castle.
When they get back to the castle, the kind king and queen have her wounds cleaned and let her stay in a guest room. She promptly catches a cold, and then the flu, and was not able to explore the kingdom for the first few weeks after she arrived. During this time, while she was in bed, the prince attended to her every need and they became best friends.
Once she was finally well enough to venture out, the prince took her on a tour across his lands. As they rode, he told her about his upcoming marriage to another princess from a kingdom to the north. “But I don’t want to marry her,” he said. “I don’t love her. I only want to marry the girl who saved me from the wolves.”
As much as she tried, Erica could not convey to him that she is the one who saved him. Every coming day, she attempted to explain it to him through pictures and gestures, but he always misinterpreted her messages.
Finally, the wedding day came, and the bride lifted her veil to reveal the girl from the temple. Upon recognizing her, the prince had no objection to marrying her.
While she lay in bed that night, Erica thought about the prince and his new bride in his chamber, and her heart broke. The life slowly drained from her during the night, and she would have been dead by morning.
While the zombie princess had been gone from her kingdom, there was great unrest in the neighboring countries. The king from the north was unkind, and he wanted to take over all the other kingdoms. His plan was to have his daughter marry the prince then kill him on their wedding night.
The zombie king learned of the
plot while searching for his missing daughter and sent his knights out to intercept the vindictive princess. As Erica slowly passed away in her chamber, she was awoken by commotion in the castle. “Zombies!” someone cried.
The princess ran out of her room and was found by the very page that had escorted her on her birthday. The page told her of the plot to kill the prince, and she ran to his chamber.
Unfortunately, she was too late, the knife was plunged into his chest as soon as she opened the door. When the voodoo priestess entered the room, she found the princess sobbing over her forbidden love. The priestess makes them both into zombies.
Now that his son is a zombie, the human king makes amends with the zombie king, and their two kingdoms form an alliance. Zombies and humans alike are welcome all across the two lands.
The prince and Erica marry. One day, while riding through the forest, they came upon the spot in the forest where the prince was attacked by the wolves. Reliving the day, he realizes that it was Princess Erica who had rescued him, and the one he had loved all along.
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Fairy Zombie
Once upon a time, there was a zombie who wanted to become a fairy. From her first day at fairy school, all the other fairies made fun of her.
“You can’t be fairy,” they said. “You’re too ugly.”
The budding zombie fairy persevered. She studied hard, and at the end of her first year, she was at the top of her class.
Before the second year started, her guidance counselor said, “Are you sure you want to be a fairy? Trolls serve mankind nobly as well.”
“I’m at the top of my class,” said the zombie. “I’ve always wanted to be a fairy.”
“You see,” said the counselor, “what concerns me is that many people are afraid of zombies and won’t think you are there to help.”
“That’s exactly why I want to be a fairy,” she said. “I want to show people that we aren’t scary. I want to help people.”
The guidance counselor let her take her second year of fairy school, and again she finished at the top of her class.
But the counselor was right. When the zombie started her fairy internship, she struggled because so many people were afraid of her.
First she tried being a fairy godmother, but her subjects just ran away.
Perhaps I can be a fairy gnome, she thought. But people wouldn’t let her into their yards.
Finally, she attempted life as a fairy princess, but she was too ugly to get any prince to look at her.
Then one day an army of evil witches came to the town. They captured all the fairies and imprisoned them. But the zombie put on a pointed hat and grabbed a broom, and they thought she was a witch too.
She led the witches to a large mountain and threw them a party. With the magic she learned from fairy school, she made music and a grand banquet.
The witches were having so much fun, they didn’t realize that the zombie fairy had sneaked out and sealed all the exits. They were trapped in the mountain forever.
She went back into town and set all the fairies and townsfolk free. Everyone wanted her to be their fairy godmother, and every prince asked for her hand in marriage.
She refused. Instead, she became a teacher at the fairy school. Since she did such a good job, soon she got promoted to the headmistress.
She loved her job, especially the part where she could encourage anyone, living or undead, that if they worked hard they could be anything they wanted to be.
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The Two Princes
In the kingdom of Stickney, there lived two princes. They were the twin boys of the king and queen, but one had been turned into a zombie many years before.
The living prince, Bernard, asked his mother, “Can I go into the woods and play?”
“Yes,” she said, “but be careful and come home before dark.”
A short time later, Leonard, the zombie prince, asked his mother, “Can I go into the woods and play?”
“Yes,” she said, “but be careful and come home before dark.”
Bernard played his trumpet as he skipped down the path. He happened upon a woman lying in the grass on a blanket with a towel draped over her eyes. “Do you like my music?” he asked her.
“I’m sure it’s lovely,” she said, “but I have a headache and it hurts my ears. Can you wait until you get farther down the path to play?”
Bernard responded, “But this is my favorite song!” Then he played louder. She covered her ears, and finally he continued down the path.
Leonard was singing as he walked down the path. Soon, he also approached the lady lying in the grass. “Hello,” he said.
She screamed and sat up, ready to run away from the zombie.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I won’t hurt you. I’m just going on a walk through the woods singing my song.”
“If you don’t mind, would you wait until you get down the path to continue your song? I’m sure it’s lovely, but I have a headache and it hurts my ears.”
“Okay,” he whispered, and tiptoed away while she lay back down.
Bernard was running through the woods when he knocked over a painter’s easel and canvas. “What are you doing?” he asked as the painter picked the canvas up.
“I’m painting,” he said. “Would you please go around so as not to block the scene?”
Bernard stood in front of the painter and looked through the gap in the trees. “Ooh, it’s so pretty!” he said. Then he looked over the top of the painting. “Is that supposed to be this?” he asked.
“Yes,” said the man grumpily. “Now move so I can finish it.”
“What’s that?” said the prince, pointing to a shape on the canvas.
“It’s trees,” said the man.
“It doesn’t look like trees.”
The painter yelled, “If you don’t like it, then paint your own painting!”
Bernard huffed and walked away.
Soon Leonard happened upon the painter. He was looking out at the view and accidentally bumped into him. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” he said.
“Zombie!” the painter yelled, picking up the easel to use as a weapon.
“It’s okay,” said the prince. “I just want to see what you’re painting.”
“Please do not block the scene,” the painter grumbled when he realized he was in no danger.
Leonard went around behind the painter and looked at the painting. “It’s beautiful,” he said.
“Thank you,” said the painter, his mood improving a bit.
“It really captures the serenity of the landscape,” said the prince.
“I really appreciate that,” the man replied, then went back to his painting. Leonard watching him silently, behind him and out of the way, before continuing on his way.
Bernard continued down the path, minding his own business, when a voice said, “Hey, watch where you’re walking!” He looked down to find a young man putting a large jigsaw puzzle together in the middle of the road.
“What a terrible place to put a puzzle together,” said Bernard, and kicked some pieces into the bushes as he walked on.
Before long, Leonard approached the spot in the road where the young man was working on the jigsaw puzzle. The man saw him and started to run away.
“No, wait!” Leonard called. “Let me help you with your puzzle.”
Cautiously, the young man came back. Together, they finished the puzzle. It was a beautiful painting of the woods. “I just saw a painting that looked a lot like this,” said the prince.
“You mean the painter? He’s my uncle. He makes me these puzzles.”
“How nice of him!” said the zombie.
While Leonard was finishing up the puzzle, Bernard had stayed from the path and sneaked up behind a young lady watching a butterfly. When he was right behind her, he said, “Boo!” really loudly.
“You scared the butterfly away!” she yelled at him. He just laughed
and kept walking.
The sun was setting, and the princes needed to get home soon. Leonard thought he was taking a shortcut through the forest when he found a young lady chasing a butterfly. He reached up and was able to cup the flying butterfly gently between his hands. He handed it to her and it perched on her finger.
“Thank you,” she whispered, trying not to scare the butterfly off.
“Can you help me?” he asked. “It will be dark soon, and I need to get home, but I’m lost.”
“Follow me,” she said. “I’ll take you to my brother.” She led him back through the woods to the man who was doing the puzzle.
“Can you help me?” Leonard asked the man. “It will be dark soon, and I need to get home, but I’m lost.”
“Follow me,” he said. “I’ll take you to my brother.”
In the meantime, Bernard had also gotten himself lost in the woods. Eventually, he ran into the girl with the butterfly. “How do I get out of here?” he demanded.
“Why would I tell you? You were mean to me,” she said, and skipped away.
When Leonard got to the painter, he asked, “Can you help me? It will be dark soon, and I need to get home, but I’m lost.”
“Follow me,” said the painter, “and I’ll take you to my wife.”
Bernard wandered lost through the woods, and it was almost dark when he met the young man again. “How do I get out of here?” he demanded.
“I’m not telling you, you kicked my puzzle pieces away!” said the man, who ran away.
The painter led Leonard to his wife. “How is your head?” asked Leonard.
“It’s much better, thank you,” she said. “Do you need me to show you the way out of here?”
“Yes please,” he said. She led him home, safe and sound.
The sun had set by time Bernard had found the painter. “I supposed you’re looking for your way home?” the painter asked. “Well good luck little boy!” he said and walked off.
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 17