Kiss My Crown

by Alexis Noelle

  The way everyone is looking at me right now, you would think I was one of the damn pirates. The sideways glances and snickering aren’t going unnoticed. I take a deep breath as I walk up the castle stairs and see Jeremy standing there, waiting for me.

  “Lily, can we just—”

  I hold my hand up. “Let’s get something straight. This is a job, and if I were allowed, Princess Lily would dump your ass after making sure you’re celibate for the rest of your life. Also keep your hands where they belong or next time I’ll beat you with a real sword. Last, my name is Kate. I know that might be a lot of information for your tiny brain, but let it sink in and shut up.”

  The announcer begins our intro as I smooth out the obnoxious dress I have on.

  I can totally do this.

  Jeremy and I step out onto the stage and move through our performance without any mistakes. Being this close to him sucks. It was nice when I was stupid and thought I loved the idiot. Now it just blows.

  I hate that he made me look like such a fool. Everyone knows that he was screwing around and since he’s a man that makes him a hero. God forbid if it were me. I’d be the biggest whore. Damn double standards.

  Once we’re done I walk away from him without a word.

  “Kate, you can’t leave yet. You have a meet and greet together today. It’s on the schedule.”

  I look up at my manager.

  Shit.

  I simply nod to keep anything unladylike from leaving my mouth. As much as I can’t stand it here it pays really well and I need the money. I stand there, waiting for Jeremy to catch up to me.

  “This is not like old times. You try to kiss me and I’ll shove my heel up your ass.” I loop my arm through his.

  “Wow, how did you know I was into that?” He shakes his head.

  “Don’t think I am naive to the things you’ve been into. Thankfully, I don’t know most of the details. You should really get that thing checked before it falls off.” We step outside and the crowd of kids lights up with happiness.

  “Too bad these girls don’t know that their princess is a constant bitch.” He waves at the crowd as he whispers to me.

  “Too bad they don’t realize that their prince is a small dicked douchebag.” I throw back before walking toward everyone, not giving him a chance to reply.

  I need a vacation.

  I see Melanie walk by as we pose for our first picture. She laughs, and I make a mental note to smack her later. Jeremy and I spend an hour with the kids, smiling and answering questions like I love him and like he isn’t an asshole.

  Today needs to go by fast because I can’t take much more of this crap.

  It feels so good to be rid of that stupid dress and be able to put on my jeans and a T-shirt. I feel like such a phony in that costume. Let’s be honest, I’m definitely not princess material, or annoyingly happy.

  “Hey, I didn’t realize you were still here.”

  I turn around to see Chris, one of the dancers.

  “Just heading home now. I’m beat and starving.” I barely eat at work because no one wants to see Princess Lily plowing her way through some fried chicken.

  “Well, do you want to grab something to eat?” Chris isn’t bad looking, and I am really hungry. Maybe if things go well he could be my rebound.

  “Sure.” I smile at him.

  “Okay, I’ll drive.”

  I follow him to the car as I pull out my phone to text Melanie and tell her not to wait for me.

  Melanie: I thought you gave up on the whole rebound thing last night?

  Me: Yeah, but I think it’s still a good option.

  Melanie: It really isn’t.

  Me: Like I told you last night, no giving milk away. Just a little udder play.

  Melanie: You’re still disgusting. I just gagged.

  I laugh, and Chris looks over at me. I smile as I climb into the passenger seat of his car. We head to one of the diners and get seated in a back booth.

  Neither of us really says anything as we look over the menus. Once the waitress comes by to take our order we no longer have anything to keep us distracted.

  “So I heard about all the stuff that happened with Jeremy.” He scratches the back of his head like he is nervous. “He’s an idiot.”

  “Well, we can both agree on that.” I smile at him.

  The rest of the meal goes pretty well. We talk and laugh at stupid little things. It’s easy to be around him and I don’t have to put too much effort in, which is nice. I felt like whenever I was out with Jeremy he still expected me to act like Princess Lily. He wanted a girl who was happy and proper. That’s so far from me that it isn’t even funny.

  I think a part of me knew that it wouldn’t last, but it would have been nice if he could have ended it before banging all the other princesses. He made me look so pathetic doing that. I’m the joke of the park just because he couldn’t keep it in his pants.

  “Hey, you still here?”

  I look up at Chris, snapping myself out of my own mind. “Yeah, sorry. Long couple of days.”

  The waitress drops off the check and Chris picks it up. “Okay, so with tip you owe fifteen.”

  Seriously? I grab my wallet and pull some cash out of it.

  “You want to come over and watch a movie or something?” He looks over at me as he hands the waitress the check and money.

  You going to charge me admission?

  “Sure.” As much as his very presence is annoying me right now I could really use a distraction.

  He smiles and starts to walk out of the diner and back to his car. I follow, hoping that he is at least worth the effort of not telling him he’s a cheap, no-manners-having idiot. When you ask a girl to go eat with you, you pay. It isn’t like we were at a fifty dollar a plate restaurant. Hopefully he makes it all worth my while.

  We don’t really talk much in the car, the awkwardness of the imminent booty call looming over us. The radio is on and I swear every baby making song ever is being played. It’s like a sign that it’s okay for me to act like a slut tonight. I can’t help but laugh at myself. I’m so not that girl, but right now I just want to forget about Jeremy. I tried alcohol and that didn’t do much. Maybe getting under a new guy will help me get over the old one. When we pull up to his apartment I have a moment of panic where I don’t know if I can go through with this.

  Walking through the door, I look around, pleasantly surprised that it isn’t a complete pigsty. I think with every girl there is that moment of panic when the apartment door opens and you don’t know what you’ll be walking into.

  “Gimme one second. Make yourself comfortable.” He drops his keys on the counter before walking down the hallway.

  I sit on the couch, biting my lip in nervousness. Just calm down. It’s just sex, not marriage.

  After a few minutes I become concerned with what the hell he could be doing. That’s when out of nowhere music starts to play. I immediately recognize the song as “Pony.” What the hell is going on?

  Chris steps out from the hallway, shirtless and with a cowboy hat on. Holy crap. He starts to dance slowly, rolling his body and moving to the beat. When he looks up at me he smirks.

  Don’t laugh.

  Pelvic thrust.

  Don’t laugh.

  Oh God, he’s humping the floor.

  Don’t laugh.

  Now his belt is a lasso?

  I lose the battle with myself and collapse in complete hysterics. I’m laughing so hard that there is no sound coming out. Without another word I grab my purse and stumble out the door. This shit is too ridiculous. Maybe I should just stick to alcohol.

  I pull up my Uber app and pray that the driver gets here quick. I swear nothing goes right for me. I can’t even have a normal one-night stand. No, I get a fake-ass western Channing Tatum.

  I’d probably be better just going home, putting Magic Mike on repeat and hanging out with my B.O.B. The car shows up and I get in, praying that I don’t see Chris at work for a very long time
. I doubt I could see him and not remember all the gyrating.

  The ride to my place is fast and I walk in to see Melanie sitting on the couch. “You’re back quick,” she says with a laugh.

  “Um, yeah. Totally didn’t happen. When we got to the apartment he broke out into the cheesiest rendition of ‘Pony’ ever.” I plop down on the couch, completely frustrated.

  “Shut up.” She mutes the TV, ready to give me her full attention.

  “Yup. Cowboy hat and peen grinding included.”

  She starts laughing as I sit here thinking of how pathetic I’ve become.

  I’m so desperate that I almost slept with him tonight.

  “Maybe you should quit your quest for rebound sex. You’ve struck out two nights in a row.”

  “Yeah, tell me about it. At this point I’m just gonna go take care of myself.” I stand up and walk toward my room.

  “Really, Kate? I so did not need to know that!”

  “Just thought I’d warn you to grab your headphones or something. You can be sure that I at least know how to do it.” I wink at her.

  This should be my new motto.

  Why look for someone else?

  Just do it yourself.

  I have off for the day tomorrow and I cannot wait. Tonight Melanie, Danielle, and I are having a girls’ night. It’s been a while since we were able to because Danielle has been going home to visit her family the past few days off she had.

  We have all grown so close over the past year and they’re like my sisters. However, if we were really sisters it’d be one messed up family. We all look pretty similar, with long blond hair like we just stepped off the cheerleading team. I’m the bitch of the group, Melanie is the good girl, and Danielle is our brainiac. Which is ironic considering we are all the exact opposites of what we’re assumed to be.

  Dani is taking online courses at the college so she can finish her bachelor’s degree, while working as a brainless flying bimbo every day. I might sound harsh, but you should see these girls. I swear that one actually asked me how to spell Christmas around the holidays last year, and it was written on the front of the card she was signing.

  Melanie is stuck too because all the villains really act like assholes. I should honestly have been cast as a villain. Mel barely curses and hates confrontation, so I swear she is the sacrificial lamb of that group. I tell her all the time how we should just switch roles because it would make so much more sense.

  Me, I’ve just been jaded. I’ve gotten screwed-over multiple times by jerks, and when I was nice I was constantly taken advantage of. I adapted the bitch attitude to make sure that people knew not to mess with me.

  What’s nice is that when the three of us are together it’s like we can all just let loose and not worry about keeping up whatever mask we wear. I walk into the apartment, balancing the pizza boxes as I try to not drop them. I sit them on the counter and see the girls already making drinks. This is exactly what I needed: pizza, drinks, and no peen in sight.

  “You mean you’re actually here and not hunting down some other form of revenge sex?” Dani makes a shocked expression at me.

  “Shut up. I tried. I failed. I get it. Who knew it would be so hard to get laid?” I shrug, grabbing myself a plate and a slice.

  “I swear you should have been born a man,” Melanie says as she puts the drinks in the living room.

  “Hey now, there is nothing wrong with a healthy appetite for sex. Where you go wrong is when you start being a slut. I am technically not a slut since I haven’t gotten laid. I might have been aspiring to be one, but I never got there.” Cake boy and cowboy totally turned me off sex for at least a few days.

  “Well, I think you need to find someone outside of the park. There is no one worth anything in that place.” Dani shakes her head. “I swear people come thinking it’s the happiest place on Earth and we are all unicorns shitting sunshine and glitter. In all reality there is so much sex and depravity they would probably never let their kids touch a single surface in the whole place.”

  “I just have to say I don’t know how you deal with the girls you work with. I would’ve snapped one of them in half by now.” I take a long drink.

  “Honestly, they’re all so stupid and easily confused it’s entertaining. A couple days ago I told Tami that they wanted her to do a meet and greet at point number ninety-three on the map.” She starts to laugh and neither of us really gets it.

  “What is ninety-three?” Melanie asks.

  “That’s just it, there isn’t one. The idiot was walking around for four hours looking for a place that didn’t even exist.” We all laugh with her now, picturing the lost fairy who can’t read the map.

  “Well, at least neither of you has to work with your cheating jackass of an ex. I swear I just want to kick him in the balls every minute I’m within range. That is not proper princess behavior, though.”

  “Please, like you could ever be a proper princess if you tried.” Dani throws one of the couch pillows at me.

  “Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m a fucking lady.” I stand up in front of them and curtsy before walking all prim and proper to get another slice of pizza. “Ladies, would either of you be interested in some more sustenance?”

  They both break out in laughter as I walk back to the couch.

  “So what’s the plan? You still hunting down a rebound?” Dani arches her eyebrow at me.

  “Um, no. I think with my luck I’m scared to see what I might encounter next.” I shake my head. “But don’t act all innocent. You remember elephant man?”

  Dani had this guy who was uncircumcised and she said that it reminded her of an elephant trunk and she half expected it to spray like a hose. “Ew. I’m eating. Can we not talk about him?”

  Melanie just shakes her head at the both of us. “You guys are insane.”

  “Hey, hey, goody-goody. Don’t pretend like you’ve never been jackhammered. You stuck with rabbit boy for the longest time just because you felt bad to break up with him.”

  Her cheeks get red. Mel’s last boyfriend got the nickname rabbit from us. Whenever they did it he used to be on top and then lock his fingers together on top of her head. The whole time he would press down on her head while he was going at it almost like using her for leverage.

  “Oh, I remember him! We were scared he’d break your neck and you’d end up paralyzed!” Dani shouts.

  “You’re both terrible. James was a nice guy.” She gets up, taking her plate inside.

  “Yeah, I bet the chiropractor bills throughout your whole relationship were nice too!” I shout.

  “It was only twice and you guys have never let me live it down!” She groans as she walks back to the couch. She turns the TV on so we can start our hot guy movie marathon. We only pick movies we have seen before, though, because on nights like this chances are that we’ll be talking through a lot of it.

  This might just be what I need to make me feel better.

  Not crappy sex.

  Not drowning my sorrows.

  Just some time with my friends.

  I’m the only one off today and I laugh as I watch Melanie and Dani getting ready while they’re completely hungover, each movement causing a groan from one of them. I have to run some errands today and fill this house with food that isn’t microwaveable or fried.

  “Have fun, girls!” I shout as they drag their asses out the door. Been there, done that, and it isn’t pleasant.

  I grab my sunglasses and head out of the apartment. The store isn’t busy, which is why I like being able to come now. I stroll through the produce department, deciding to get a watermelon. There is a huge bin and I’m not even going to pretend that I know how to pick one out. After doing a quick eenie, meeney, miney, mo I pick one up.

  “Do you mind if I grab your melon?” a voice says close to my ear and I jump.

  Turning around, I see a gorgeous specimen of a man. His hair is brown and a little shaggy on the top. His green eyes are staring at m
e and they are so bright it’s crazy.

  “Jesus. Sneak up on people much? And you’re not touching my melons. I mean, if that’s the best line you have, no wonder you’re picking up women in the produce section.” I shake my head at him as I laugh.

  “Well, I meant could I see that melon?” He nods to the watermelon I’m holding, and I pause for a minute before handing it to him. He spins it around a few times, knocks on it, then tosses it back in the pile. “Just like I thought. That’s a terrible melon.” He bends down, picking another, and I can’t help taking a quick peek at his ass when he does. “See this one, this is a good melon. It’s nice and heavy, and unlike what you might think, it should have a big yellow spot on it like this, not be pure green. Lastly...” He knocks on this one the same way he did with the other. “It should sound hollow.” He places it in my cart and then looks up at me smiling.

  “Um, thanks. So you do this all day? Grab melons from random women and lecture then on proper picking technique?” I cock my head to the side.

  “Nope, only the ones I think are worth talking to.” He leans against the shelves behind him. “My name is Justin, by the way.”

  “Well, Justin, thanks for stopping me from having a mediocre melon.” I push the cart a few steps before I hear him catching up to me.

  “I didn’t get your name.”

  “That’s because I didn’t give it to you.” I smile before continuing to walk.

  “Aw, you’re gonna do me like that? You’ll regret not giving me your name when you’re biting into a juicy watermelon later.” His tongue licks his lips, and I can’t help the way it mesmerizes me.