Finding Thyme

by TJ Hamilton

  I gasp at my thoughts as I pull out of Tench’s drive in the back of his Range Rover. How can I be thinking like this? I’ve come so far. I can’t walk away now.

  My heartbeat increases to a quickening thud in my chest as we slowly come down Macquarie Street, approaching the Opera House. I close my eyes as I pass Nick’s apartment building. The guilt is more than I can bear. I feel like I’m going to pass out from the hopelessness of the entire situation. I was naïve to take on this challenge. Could I have done this when I was a whore? Absolutely! Can I do it now that I’m a regular girl in love? Not even close. The Range Rover pulls into the undercover park of the Opera House and Toni swiftly gets out to open my door.

  “Make sure you come back, Miss Miranda.” Toni’s statement has a definite threat attached to it.

  I nod and stand on my tippy toes to plant a kiss on his cheek.

  “Of course I’m coming back, Toni! Why wouldn’t I?” I lie through my teeth.

  His reaction to my kiss is endearing. It mustn’t happen very often for him, the unfortunate soul. The sweet distracting thought makes me giggle. Toni beams his wide smile as he gets back into the Range Rover and I watch him pull away. I inhale as deep as I can and let out a long whiff of air as I turn around and face whatever or whoever is waiting for me inside.

  The mousey brown haired girl instantly recognises me as I approach. I wonder whether she knows anything about the agency and if not, what concocted story they’ve told her about me? It sends my mind into a spin about how very little I’m told, unless it suits them.

  “Hi, Mi. Charlie is inside. I think he was around near the studio. Just follow the blue line.”

  So it’s Mi now? Is that because it could be short for Miranda or Mia? They think of everything, those assholes! I feel like I can’t trust the agency, just like I can’t trust Tench. Tench seemed more genuine over the last twenty-four hours than they ever have!

  I make my way through the twisting underbelly of the Opera House until I get to the most intimate of all performance rooms—the studio. There’s no one around so I open the door and make my way inside. There’s a subtle light in the room, but only to highlight the aisles. I can just make out Nick’s silhouette on the far side of the room so I make my way down the row of seats towards him. It’s hard to see his eyes in this light, so I can’t tell if he’s angry, but the guilty feeling inside me is burning away at my stomach like a bubbling ulcer. As I get closer my heart starts to twist into a tight knot. I sink down in the chair next to him, but I can’t look into his eyes.

  “I can’t do this—”

  “Did you enjoy yourself?”

  We both speak at the same time and I look at Nick as soon as I register what he asked.

  “You think this is fun for me?” I growl.

  “Well, you certainly looked like you were having a good time.” Nick continues looking straight ahead.

  I get up to leave but he grabs my arm and pulls me back down. “You’re not going anywhere,” he says crudely for the first time ever.

  I look at his hand on my arm and pull out of his grip. I stare at him and wonder why he of all people doesn’t understand that I’m doing all I can to please everyone and in return I’m getting very little support. I have nothing but anger brewing inside me.

  “I’m doing what is asked of me, remember?” I snarl. “But I can’t do this, Nick. I can’t be with Tench. I think of you the whole time. Every word I say to him is meant for you.” I feel myself becoming defensive all of a sudden.

  “You didn’t need to stay there last night.” His blue eyes finally hit me like a piercing rod, straight through my heart.

  My lungs feel coiled tight and I can no longer breathe. “I’m just doing what I can to get the evidence we need to put Tench away for a long time,” I say, reminding both myself and Nick why I’m there.

  “Then you can do this.” His eyes look away again. “So did you fuck him?”

  “Nick!” I breathe out his name.

  I feel a prickly heat start to spread from my chest and creep its way up my neck. I look away. I still feel stretched inside from being with Tench this morning and now I feel disgusting.

  “I need to go, Nick. I can’t have this conversation with you.”

  But I don’t get up from my seat. I can’t. There’s something pulling me towards him still. I want to look into his eyes and never look away. I just wish this was over already. I feel Nick’s hand rest on mine. His eyes have softened.

  “I’m sorry. It’s hard for me too, you know.”

  “Then let’s just run away now and start living our life together.” My words have so much desperate hope in them.

  Nick gives me a sympathetic smile and tilts his head to the side. “You know we can’t just yet. Our time will come,” he assures me. “Please keep doing what you’re doing. You have so much power over Tench. I see that now. It’s just hard for me to watch you with him. Just remember who he is, okay?”

  “I always know what he is, Nick. Don’t you think I remind myself of that constantly?” The incessant guilt that’s plaguing my mind is doing a pretty good job of that.

  Nick reaches over to a chair beside him and picks up a large yellow envelope.

  “Here’s the latest intel that we’ve received from Interpol. There’s a list of people that you need to keep an ear out for. Read over all of the information and go back to the Principal with the knowledge you need to arm yourself against him.” Nick pauses for a moment. “The boss is very impressed with your work. He said you should stay at the Principal’s residence as long as you need to gather intel on these persons of interest.” Nick hands me the envelope and looks down at the ground. “Report back to me whenever you need, okay Mi?”

  I search his face for something that will tell me he still loves me. Please tell me you still love me …

  But Nick doesn’t move. “You can go now,” he says quietly.

  That’s it? I get up slowly and make my way to the exit. I don’t want to look back at him.

  “Mia!” Nick calls out as I reach for the handle of the door.

  I turn and see him running towards me. I rush to his arms. He grabs my face and holds it up to kiss me. His lips have so much wretched passion within them, and my eyes start to well up. The confusion in my head is like a game of table tennis, and my heart is the ping pong ball.

  “I’ll see you soon,” he whispers before he opens the door for me to walk out … and away from him.

  TWENTY-SIX

  I sit on my couch at my apartment and open the envelope to read the contents. There are four photographs of different men, with information attached to each one. I place the photographs across the coffee table. Reading the names, I study the pictures carefully.

  Dmitri (Dima) Kozar

  Misha Kozar

  Filipp Pavlenko

  Luka Chernikov

  All four men are Russian and their looks are as distinctly Russian as their names. Dmitri is balding with a strong brow and a round face. Misha, Dmitri’s younger brother, is handsome with sharp cheekbones and dark hair, and eyes the same colour as Tench’s rich honey tones. Filipp has pale blue eyes, light sandy coloured hair and a sharp nose, and lastly there is Luka.

  Luka is incredibly handsome. His striking eyes have a look that could unnerve the strongest of women. His nose is strong and masculine, his cheekbones jut out the side of his face and he has a five o’clock shadow that surrounds his full lips and angled jawline. But it’s his eyes that I find hard to peel my own from. The contrast between his dark wavy hair and pale blue eyes seems intriguing and alluring all at once. The brilliance of Nick’s blue eyes seems dull in comparison.

  I read the information on each and the hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. Luka is heavily involved in the prostitution rings of Russia where he “imports” women to the French Riviera for the entertainment of the world’s rich and infamous. Dmitri, Misha and Filipp all are involved in drug racketeering throughout Europe and are looking at exp
anding their business worldwide. Dmitri and Misha are the heirs of a large shipping family in Russia and hold a monopoly on the running of the larger ports around Greece.

  I study the information carefully. The risk of what I’m now involved in is written in front of me in black and white. If Tench ever finds out the truth about me then I will die. How can I continue to be convincing enough when my heart belongs to someone else? I throw the photos into the folder and slip it back into the envelope.

  I make my way over to the modern ethanol fireplace at the far end of the lounge room and ignite the fire with a press of a button. The blue flames flicker instantaneously. I throw in the envelope and watch it burn with the rest of the information that I’ve been given about Tench and his associates. When the paper is nothing but fluffy grey ash, I stop the fire and brush the remnants into the catch below.

  I need to focus. I want this over sooner rather than later. I make my way to my bedroom and fling open the doors to my closet. As if by magic, all of my clothes are now hanging in front of me once again. Nick’s gift to me is all but a short-lived memory. I find three of my suitcases—my large black Prada case and two smaller Louis Vuitton cases—and throw them onto the bed and start picking out clothes from my closet. I throw them in, hangers and all. Flossy jumps onto the bed and sits herself down in an empty suitcase. She looks up at me as if to ask what I’m doing. I smile and rub her little head.

  “I won’t be gone long. I’ll come back every now and then. Charlie will come round, so will Nick and Liz. There are lots of people who will look after you, little one.” I try not to feel too guilty about leaving her again.

  I wheel my suitcases out into the lounge area and decide to take a quick shower before I call for Toni to come and collect me.

  “Mia. Mia!” Liz’s voice startles me from what was a pleasant soak in the shower.

  I rub the glass of the shower door and see Liz standing in her usual business attire. I turn the shower off and reach outside the door, pointing to a hook on the wall.

  “Towel,” I order.

  Liz hands me a towel and I wrap it around my chest. The steam slowly clears in the room and I finally see the look on Liz’s face. Her usual rosy cheeks and bronzed skin tone are replaced with an ashen dullness.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask with alarm.

  “Something’s happened back at the agency. Nick was involved in an accident.”

  I frown and begin to tremble. “What do you mean, an accident? Is Nick okay?”

  Liz slowly shakes her head. Her strong presence is all but a shrinking frame in front of me. Her eyes look red and the words that she doesn’t speak are written all over her face. I feel like I know what’s wrong but choose to ignore it. A deafening silence takes over and my body instantly convulses uncontrollably. I shake my head from side to side repeatedly.

  “I don’t understand? I just spoke to him a couple of hours ago. What do you mean?” My voice cracks. “This is a set up! I’m fucking sick of this roller-coaster of emotions. I can’t take it anymore! You’re all a bunch of sick fucks!”

  Liz grips onto my shoulders and leads me over to the bed.

  “Sit down. The medic is on his way over. We’re going to take you to the agency. The boss will explain everything.”

  My chin quivers and I can’t breathe—my chest rapidly rises as I suck in little air, but nothing comes out. What are they telling me? Why is the medic coming over?

  “Liz …” My muffled voice is unsteady.

  She’s holding some clothes for me to put on. I look into her eyes for answers.

  “Nick died from a gunshot wound to the neck.” Her words are like a gunshot wound to the neck.

  I don’t cry. I can’t cry. It’s not real. They’re just doing this so that it’s easier for me to go to Tench. It’s not real. I’ve got to see him. I want to see him!

  The medic arrives and gives me two blue pills to take. I don’t ask what they are. I just stare blankly into the eyes of anyone who approaches me. I don’t even know how many people are in my apartment right now. It feels like thousands. Liz walks me out of the apartment and ushers me into a car waiting outside in the street. Everything around me is blurred and silent. The silence is deafening. I look up and see the sky is the brightest of blues. Not a cloud in the sky. Music starts playing inside my head—Adagio by Giazotto—one of the saddest orchestral pieces I know. Violins pizzicato and the orchestra hums inside my head as the tall buildings of the city spin past the car’s window. I rest my head against the window and try to look up. I just want to see the blue sky. I still don’t cry. And why should I? Nick’s not dead. It’s all just a lie. They do this to you. This agency! I won’t believe it until I see him. I take little notice of anything around me as Liz guides me into the building and up the elevator. It’s not until I’m inside the agency and I see the look on everyone’s faces as I walk by that it all hits me. Everyone looks sad. I feel like I’m about to vomit.

  “Are you okay?” Liz asks when she sees my face.

  I can’t say anything back to her. I just want to close my eyes and pretend I’m not here. I want Nick! When I open my eyes this is not going to be real. I know I’ve only dreamt this. I open my eyes and see the boss looking at me with a sorrowful smile. There’s no happiness to his smile, just sadness and sympathy. I can’t hold myself up any longer and I drop to my knees in the hallway and hunch over as the tears jerk out of me in harsh wailing sobs. This can’t be happening! The boss helps Liz get me up and they walk me into his office.

  “I want to see him!” I stare into the soul of the commander. “I won’t believe it until I see him!”

  “I thought as much. I ordered for him to be kept downstairs in the morgue until you got here … But he’s gone, Mia.” The boss puts his hand on my hunched shoulder.

  I mumble words that I don’t even understand as tears drip from every angle of my face. I feel like my spine can’t support my body and I crumple over in the chair as every bit of love that I’ve ever felt for a person is ripped out of me with an aching force. My heart feels like it’s in flames but the rest of my body feels numb. My heart hurts so much! I hold my chest where the pain is. This can’t be real. This can’t be real. This can’t be real. This wasn’t supposed to happen. We were going to live our life together. He was going to wait for me. He’s going to come through those doors in a moment and tell me it’s just a joke. He’s going to put his big arms around me again, and kiss me like he does. What if they’re telling the truth? Is it all over this quickly? This isn’t fair!

  “When you’re ready we’ll get you down to see him. Take your time though, Mia. I know this is a lot to handle.”

  “What would you know?” I spray back. “Take me to him now!”

  The commander nods to Liz and they escort me down the lifts to the agency’s morgue. Why do they even have their own morgue? They have everything else, I guess, so why not? How many agents die for them to need their own morgue?

  Finally we stop at a heavy steel door with a large oval handle on it. The thick seal around the edge of the doorframe means that the room must be refrigerated. I realise it’s the morgue as Liz puts her arm around my shoulders. I look over at her. Suddenly I don’t want to go in. I’ve never seen a dead person in real life before. I’ve seen photos, but I’ve never actually seen what someone looks like once they’re dead. My body won’t stop trembling.

  “Have you seen him?” I ask Liz.

  She nods.

  “Does he still look like the man I love?” I whisper.

  She doesn’t say anything at first. Then she looks down at the ground as she speaks. “He looks a little different. But it’s still him. He does look a little swollen though,” she cautions.

  My chin quivers and my eyes fill with tears again. Can I really do this? I need to see him. I won’t believe it if I don’t.

  “Do you need me to go in with you?” Liz softly asks.

  I look in her direction and shake my head. I want to rush to the other sid
e of the door to see him but fear grounds me in my spot. The boss pulls the lever on the door and a small puff of mist escapes from around its edge. My heart feels like it’s about to leap out of my chest and I’ll be the next person they’ll be putting in the morgue. I lift my heavy legs and slowly make my way into the cooled room. The smell hits me first. The sharp scent of rubbing alcohol and the faint smell of brass. It smells like a butcher’s shop and I can’t think straight. Then I see him in the middle of the room on a tall metal shelf that sits up from the floor like a monolith. The wide surgical light above casts a brilliant white light down upon him, making him seem angelic. I feel myself falling sideways until Liz is by my side.

  “I’ll stay with you until you’re ready,” she says.

  Nothing else around me matters. I feel like I’m being pulled to him. I just need to go to Nick.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  I stare down at the pale grey face in front of me. His eyes are closed and his face looks gaunt. His cheekbones are more prominent and his eyes look sunken. I know it’s Nick, but it’s not his face that I’m looking at. Tears no longer jerk but now flow steadily. I don’t even feel like I’m standing, nor do I actually feel like I’m here. I look across his body and see there’s only a light sheet covering the rest of him. Won’t he be cold in here? I don’t want him to get cold! I look back over at Liz but I can’t speak a word. I can’t breathe. The thought reminds me that he’s actually not alive. A pain hits my head and there’s a tremendous pressure on the back of my eyes and I feel like I can’t see properly.

  “It’s okay if you want to touch him or kiss him … if that’s what you want to do.” Liz gently encourages me.