Conversations with Beethoven

by Sanford Friedman

  I’ve been without it for only three days.

  What object could I possibly have in saying I apply the salve if, in fact, I don’t?

  Believe me, I’m bored to death here and cannot wait to depart.

  Of course I’ll continue using it, if you wish.

  In that case before your brother leaves for town tomorrow, ask him to bring me back a fresh supply.

  • • •

  Brother, I’ll thank you not to overburden me with errands since there is barely time to journey to town and back—Keep in mind that Wednesday is All Saints’ Day. I’ll certainly fetch the 80 ducats for you, and go to the banking house of Eskeles, and get hold of the salve for Karl. I’ll also do my best to hunt up Holz and Schuppanzigh—But beyond that I’ll make no promises.

  For my part I beg you not to quarrel with my wife. If she irks you, try to overlook it—or try at least to hold your fire until I return on Friday. Do keep in mind that she wishes only to please you.

  Nevertheless she is at bottom perfectly harmless.

  Spare me your puns—Have I your assurance that you’ll keep the peace?

  Even so, I’d appreciate your trying. Adieu.

  • • •

  Brother-in-law, you have misconstrued my laughter. I was prompted not by anything you did or said but by the tempo of the ending which left me breathless. I could hardly keep up with your nephew.

  He plays the marches very well.

  I’m not suggesting that he plays them better than you do.

  Seeing that I’ve never heard a bear play, I have no opinion.

  That’s a brazen lie! I really can’t imagine who fabricated such a lie.

  Then your brother was joking. What I said, to be exact, is that whether you play four hands or solo, you always play like a Master. In fact I would be honored if you deigned now to play with me.

  In that case perhaps you’ll oblige me tomorrow. Do have a restful night.

  • • •

  Uncle, I brought down the Haydn only because some of the pieces are easier than the ones we played last night, and Fat Stuff was still hoping to play four hands.

  Not with me, she was hoping to play with you.

  You! you! you! I accompanied her only because you refused.

  Needless to say, there is not room at the keyboard to place the chairs more widely.

  Presumably she removed her stole to free her arms.

  I didn’t note the talcum powder.

  Nor the perfume.

  Naturally her shoulder touched mine, how could it be otherwise? She is a very big woman. Why, even when you and I play four hands

  You are utterly mistaken if you think that she “pressed herself” against me.

  I don’t know what you are aiming at or, rather, I do know and find the notion ludicrous.

  But I told you at the time that I had no such interest, none whatever in Niemetz’s mother. My only reason for staying there overnight was that I lacked funds to stay at an inn—Besides, she had lent me a book that I

  Roman Elegies

  You are not “on the scent” of anything. The line that I cited on harvest day has no bearing

  “Darling, why didn’t you come to meet me in the vineyard today?”

  God is my witness, I have no such interest in Fat Stuff.

  If you don’t believe me, then let us drop the subject.

  May I be excused?

  To go to my room, naturally.

  Good night, Uncle.

  • • •

  Master Brother, Michael understand. Watch Son in night like soldier from passage outside dressing room.

  Behind door? How watch Son if door shut?

  Open crack, Michael understand. When Son leave room tell Master Brother where Son go.

  Favor for Michael please before watch.

  Go home come back 10 minutes.

  Tonight not like harvest night. If not home father beat.

  Not with cane. Father not have cane. Schoolmaster have cane.

  Father of Master Brother beat with cane?

  Father of Michael beat with horse strap.

  Strap not bad as cane.

  Schoolmaster once break boy rib.

  Rib of Master Brother break?

  Stop talk of beating?

  Thank you favor Master Brother. Michael run both way.

  • • •

  Brother-in-law, good morning. I trust that last night’s little storm has blown

  Since Michael didn’t appear for work I assumed he was ill; thus I took it upon myself to serve the hot water.

  Only after I came upstairs did I find the no-good asleep on the floor.

  And what, if I may ask, was the object of his vigil?

  I’m sorry to hear that. Are your bowels poor again?

  I sent him back downstairs where he belongs. You ought to take hot chocolate with breakfast.

  Hot chocolate would be better than tea, especially if you’ve been belching.

  As you wish. Breakfast will be served at the usual hour.

  • • •

  Brother-in-law, do try to calm yourself—I’ll explain everything if only

  I can’t explain if you

  Uncle, it’s useless to make such a commotion without knowing what

  But Michael isn’t here.

  He has been discharged.

  Please, you’ll have an apoplexy if you don’t stop shouting.

  That is what she is trying to report, if you would only let her.

  Brother-in-law, since your health had improved so markedly, nay, miraculously by breakfast time I resolved to serve you a proper dinner. To that end I gave Michael 5 gulden and sent him off to Krems to fetch a salmon and a bottle of your favorite wine. At 10:30 I began to consider what sort of misfortune might have befallen the boy. By 11 I had to consider what to substitute for the salmon. I hit upon croquettes, inasmuch as they

  In brief, when the no-good finally showed up at 11:30 he was empty-handed. I asked him where the provisions were, but he could only hem and haw. I then asked if they had been stolen; again he couldn’t find his tongue, not even to fabricate a lie. Thereupon I asked to have the money back. Still, he neither spoke nor returned the money. Only when I took him by the ear and demanded an explanation did he stammer “lost.” Thus I threw the scoundrel out! And when your brother returns tomorrow you may be sure that I’ll have the little thief hauled before the Magistrate!

  Are the coins which you have flung at me meant to make good my loss?

  Very well, if you insist I’ll bring him back. However, there is still the matter of the theft.

  Unlike you I’m not the least convinced that Michael

  Then let us wait until your brother

  In that case I’ll excuse myself.

  Uncle, I beg of you not to be so agitated.

  But she agreed to bring him back.

  Indeed she left the table for that very reason: to send for him.

  I have no idea where Slut went; she merely asked to be excused. Doubtless your outburst unstrung her.

  Well and good, but you can’t bar them from your brother’s table.

  I don’t follow you.

  All of them? Surely it would be better, if only for propriety’s sake, to take one meal a day in the dining room.

  Do please reconsider.

  Then let us hope your absence doesn’t worsen matters.

  • • •

  Brother, I’m sorry to find you in poor health.

  Granted these attacks are nothing new, yet there is no question of their injuriousness—they can easily lead to an inflammation of the bowels. When did it start?

  Of course I’ve brought the money—we reached town well before offices closed for the holiday.

  I’ll thank you not to cry cheat so quickly—I’ve simply deducted 40 gulden for this month’s room and board.

  Let’s not rehearse our finances yet again—Holz sends you his fondest embraces; he is still very much in the ecstasy of love—Naturally! the man is
but two months wed. He and Linke, who by the way also sends greetings, are most eager to have the new finale. I told them that if all goes well it should be ready in three or four weeks.

  Excellent, the sooner the better.

  Unfortunately I didn’t find time for Karl’s salve. However, since it is not particularly effective—Why do you keep spitting into your handkerchief?

  Thank Heaven there is none, but do stop spitting so harshly or you are apt to produce some.

  Of course I’ve not forgotten that you spat blood last year, nor have I forgotten that our mother and brother died of consumption, yet it doesn’t follow a priori that you’ll share their fate—Have you any appetite?

  What has my wife been serving you?

  Eggs and cheese can do you no harm but the soup should be rice, only rice—I’ll advise her. And to drink?

  Good God! wine is out of the question.

  Diluted or not makes no difference; wine in any form is strictly forbidden—I’ll order a tonic.

  I don’t follow you.

  But if Michael didn’t bring the wine from Krems and you didn’t drink it, I fail to see how my wife

  Come now, you have no reason to suspect her—When our brother died you were certain that Johanna had poisoned him, yet the autopsy disproved your suspicion.

  At least I understand now why you refuse to take your meals with her.

  Believe me, Brother, my wife entertains no such wicked schemes.

  Would it set your mind at ease if at meals she were to taste the wine before you do?

  If not—Even so I ask you to come back to the table.

  Tant pis!

  • • •

  Uncle, a reply has come from Breuning.

  VIENNA, NOVEMBER 6, 1826

  My dear Ludwig,

  Today I took the opportunity to have a word with the Lieutenant Field-Marshal and am pleased to report that he is no less inclined than he was in September to give your nephew a cadetship. At the same time he questioned me, quite understandably, about the length of the convalescence. As you will doubtless recall, I told him in September that Karl was recovering from a hernia operation; hence today I compounded the case by fabricating a “slight infection.” Even so, let us not arouse his suspicions by prolonging the dissimulation. Surely a clever hand will find a way to dress the hair in a manner that conceals the scar. Besides, now that the last quartet is finished and winter is coming on apace, I urge you to return forthwith. If Karl is to have a career and you are to have your health, you must not procrastinate.

  Gerhard has been practicing no less than an hour a day and sometimes more; in his not dispassionate opinion, with which I more or less concur, his fingering is much improved. As for his interpretation, he awaits your return with fluctuating fear and impatience.

  I earnestly hope to see you soon. Meanwhile my family joins me in sending our warmest embraces.

  With love, your most devoted

  STEPHAN

  Uncle, with due respect to Breuning there is not a hairdresser in all of Austria clever enough to conceal the scar.

  Then your brother should have made more of an effort to obtain the salve.

  Nevertheless I can’t be introduced to the Field-Marshal with the scar in its present state—Oh what I wouldn’t give for hair like yours.

  Certainly not! Your brother’s hair is no thicker than mine; besides, everybody knows he dyes it.

  In truth we have no choice but to stay a while longer; let’s stay at least until the new finale is finished.

  • • •

  GNEIXENDORF, NOVEMBER 11, 1826

  Dear Tobias,

  Since you did not reply to my first letter, I did not wish to trouble you any further. So I sent my brother off to Vienna with my latest quartet.

  Now I have one more request to make. A small parcel for Matthias Artaria is being sent to your address. As soon as it arrives, please let him know that the parcel is with you. But you must give it to him only against a payment of 15 gold ducats. Just say that you

  Uncle, it’s clear that you are in pain.

  Surely the letter can wait until your brother brings the liniment. In the meantime I’ll make up the parcel with the new finale. By the way, you should ask Uncle Johann to be on the lookout for someone to carry it into town.

  Since he got back but a week ago I doubt that he’ll be willing to return so soon. What is more, if you do speak of it be prepared for a lengthy exposition on the wear and tear to the wheels, the splashboard, the spring, etc.

  Still, the manuscript cannot be entrusted to just anyone. In all likelihood your brother will know of—But here he is.

  Brother, the basin which Michael holds contains the volatile liniment.

  A perfectly mild lotion of ammonia water and sesame oil. Once the cloth is applied to your belly the ammonia will evaporate—hence the designation volatile—therewith easing the pain.

  Come now, disrobe.

  Why do you hesitate?

  Our nephew and Michael hardly constitute an audience—In any case they must learn for themselves how to apply the compress.

  Never fear—soups are served piping hot, the lotion is lukewarm.

  There now, is that not better?

  I don’t follow you.

  I don’t assume anything of the sort—Why would the simple act of doctoring your belly suggest such an ambition?

  Rest assured that I have no designs on your title—Ever since our mother’s death you have been head of the family and head you shall remain.

  Instead of defaming me you might just thank me for my trouble.

  I sent him from the room because Michael is a servant and there is work to be done.

  Our nephew says that you’ve finished the new finale and are looking for someone to deliver it to Haslinger for you.

  Certainly not—Why, have you any idea how much it costs me every time I run the carriage between Gneixendorf

  I’ll do my best to find you someone trustworthy—Better still, you should consider delivering it yourself.

  May I read his letter?

  Not only do I agree with Breuning but I urge you to heed his advice.

  For your sake not mine, but especially for Karl’s sake.

  What object could I have but for him to get on with his career?

  Believe me, I have no other object.

  Why don’t you believe me?

  Now it’s my turn to query you—Why did you send our nephew from the room?

  Your assumption is utterly false, not to say foolish—You have sunk as low as Beaumarchais if you imagine

  On no occasion—never have I found them seated together at the piano, nor have I noted any whispering or exchanging of glances en passant or stroking with the fingertips or any other show of interest on either side—Never!

  You are utterly wrong if you think it has anything to do with my wife—I’m urging you to leave only because I can’t afford to have you stay.

  Of course I haven’t forgotten the 40 gulden—do you take me for a common thief! On the other hand the cost of essentials increases with the bad weather. Why, candles, fuel, boot polish—indeed everything costs more in winter. Besides, your ill health brings all sorts of unexpected expenses.

  Medicines for one, chocolate for another—At the same time your soiled linen requires the use of additional soap and bleach, and beyond that there is Seltzer-water and

  True enough, but let me tell you this—our nephew makes up twofold for the wine you are not drinking.

  He takes one glass more with every meal—at the least, sometimes two! Worse still, hardly a day now passes without a game of billiards.

  I didn’t say that he is gambling, nor did I mean to imply it—Yet must it come to that before you heed my advice and take an early departure?

  Well and good, but you do so at your own risk.

  • • •

  Master Brother, Mistress not see wine—glass under jacket.

  Master Brother not add water?

  Mi
chael fetch.

  Yes Son drink more wine.

  1 more dinner.

  2 more supper.

  Son same chair—side of Daughter.

  Mistress same chair.

  Master Brother chair empty.

  Michael understand, fetch Son.

  • • •

  Uncle, you sent for me?

  From time to time perhaps.

  A glass or two.

  Your brother exaggerates, I never take more than three.

  Indeed I do play occasionally. Is billiards now forbidden?

  So long as we are confined here, I need some sort of recreation. What would your brother have me do?

  Were it not for the scar, I too would urge you to heed their advice. But as you see, there is no improvement to speak of.

  Although I’m not opposed to leaving, I would in truth prefer to stay.

  If only because the longer we stay, the longer we may stay together.

  What is the matter, why do you turn away?

  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sadden your heart.

  But you have no grounds to doubt my sincerity.

  Fat Stuff be damned, it’s you I wish to be with.