Work! Consume! Die!

by Frankie Boyle

  Not sure I fancy your chances against the big boys! You going to the game or are they making you pay these days, you tight Scottish c**t?

  I shouldn’t imagine he generally asterisks swearwords, but he has some corrupted idea of what passes for politeness when addressing Alan Hansen. I look at the BBC website and see that this is a reference to Liverpool playing Chelsea on Saturday. I reply:

  Can’t talk now, mate. It’s not good here.

  I check the rest of Alan Hansen’s inbox. He has two new women wanting him, not great ones. I imagine meeting Hansen and slipping him this password. Getting FA Cup tickets anonymously through the post because he’s delighted to be up to his nuts in Grade D muff.

  That guy has responded with:

  What’s up chief??!!

  I type I have cancer, and go to bed.

  Arizona talked about some of her experiences with the Queen Mother: ‘The Queen Mother was cold, cold, cold, a nasty person. None of her cohorts even trusted her. They have named an altar (mind-control program) after her. They call it the Black Queen. I have seen her sacrifice people. I remember her pushing a knife into someone’s rectum the night the two boys were sacrificed. One was 13 and the other 18. You need to forget that the Queen Mother appears to be a frail woman. When she shape-shifts into a reptilian, she becomes very tall and strong. Some of them are so strong they can rip out a heart and they all grow by several feet when they shape-shift. I have seen (Prince Charles) shape-shift into a reptilian and do all of the things the Queen does. I have seen him sacrifice children. There is a lot of rivalry between them for who gets to eat what part of the body and who gets to absorb the victim’s last breath and steal their soul. I have seen Andrew participate and I have seen Prince Philip and Charles’ sister (Anne) at the rituals, but they didn’t participate when I was there. When Andrew shape-shifts, he looks more like one of the lizards. The royals are some of the worst. OK, as far as enjoying the killing, enjoying the sacrifice, and eating the flesh, they are some of the worst of all of them. They don’t care if you see it. Who are you going to tell, who is going to believe you? They feel that it is their birthright and they love it. They love it.’

  David Icke, Children of the Matrix

  Chapter 06

  The House of Windsor is the stage name of a troupe of petty German nobles. It was founded by King George V during the First World War in 1917, when he decided to alter his family’s name from the German Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha to the English Windsor, so as not to provoke anti-German sentiment towards his family at a time when the Gotha G.IV was actually the name of a type of German aircraft bombing London. That’s on the Queen’s side, obviously. Prince Philip changed to Mountbatten from the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg.

  Like many actors, it was the name change that signalled their entry into show-business proper. Our royals realise they are playing a publicity game and, when it gradually emerged that the media were fascinated by their sexual misadventures, their petty rivalries, their boorishness and their racism, they must have been secretly delighted knowing deep down that they have fuck all else to offer.

  Of course, like all jaded entertainers they can’t really raise their game because they don’t need to. Their gaffes, their almost ironic smiles, their sheer duffness – if you’re trying to put your finger on what makes you uneasy about their manner, it’s the air of a children’s magician who can’t believe how well this shit is going down. Commentators said that the recent royal wedding was a tonic for the whole nation. That’s like telling the homeless to go and stand outside Buckingham Palace and admire it. Just looking at the many rooms, the comfortable furniture and the warmth radiating from the building is sure to make everything better. A starving person has always been cheered up by watching another man eat.

  In the Financial Times, Simon Schama wrote that the First World War swept away autocrats in Germany and Russia, which meant that in order for European monarchs to survive, their focus had to change from ‘ruling to reigning; from the exercise of power to incarnations of historical memory.’ This transition, Schama goes on to argue, was aided by the fact that the masses craved this ‘mystique’, memories of the horrors of WWI and the influx of mass-produced entertainment and goods being contributing factors to this desire. As a result, royal events – such as weddings, coronations and burials – became increasingly grand and elaborate. Schama’s right, it’s all a marketing strategy and their power was diluted to preserve the one thing they valued more: their wealth. It’s interesting that no such opinions made the tabloids. The media can be propagandist, but let’s not forget that elites are quite happy to tell the truth to each other when they think no plebs are listening.

  The Early Learning Centre was selling three-inch-high figurines of the royal couple. I bought the Katie one. I’ve combined it with my boy’s Scalextric to show him what might well happen if she doesn’t toe the line.

  The wedding meant that people got a day off work, which isn’t much when compared with the 50 years off work that William and Kate are getting. Ironically, I didn’t get a day off as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper.

  The royal couple said they wanted to share the wedding with the nation. The £5 million security bill suggested otherwise. They wanted to share their wedding with the nation in the same way they want to share their palaces, cars and jewels. From behind a 12-foot barrier 100 metres away, with a sharpshooter aiming at your chest.

  If you wanted to hold a street party for the royal wedding all you had to do was fill out one form. Which I suspect was the stumbling block for many. If you are the kind of person who wants to hold a party to celebrate the wedding of two people you don’t know, and who hold you in contempt, then I imagine you’ll find revolving doors and Velcro a challenge. A simple form from the council? They may as well be asking you for a PhD thesis on chemical grafting of antibacterial copolymers onto biomaterial surfaces.

  The papers said there were no street parties in Glasgow. Bullshit. Every day in Glasgow is a street party. And Cameron suggested you make your own bunting! Just collect all your neighbours’ eviction orders and redundancy notices, paint them red, white and blue, then see if there’s any rope left in the corner shop after the owner tried to hang himself!

  William and Kate’s relationship was made into a film in the US. The biggest surprise is that something to do with the royal wedding that is so poorly made and exploitative wasn’t produced by Kate Middleton’s parents. It’s a cheesy American film – I hope they don’t add a car chase. I think that would be in poor taste.

  Traditionally, at weddings you have your brother as best man. So William had to choose between Harry and an Arabic-looking foetus in a jar of formaldehyde. Prince Harry recently met some children who’d been blown up by landmines. ‘How do you cope with being legless every day?’ the kids asked Harry.

  On the day of the wedding, Prince William’s RAF pals staged a special fly-past. William must be used to that by now as they fly past him all the time, whenever they are sent off to a war zone without him.

  Looks like William has made good on his promise to protect his wife from the tabloids. By marrying a woman with a far more attractive sister. It’s great they’ve provided something from the royal wedding everyone can wank over. With the last one we had to wait till the summer of 1997. Pippa Middleton. Attractive to people who find Kate’s face distressingly 3D. She’s the only woman who tans by slotting her face into a toaster. Soon after the wedding, Pippa dumped her boyfriend, being upset that – in order to last longer in the bedroom – he would picture her face instead of her arse.

  If William’s marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad’s then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. Hopefully, they’ll remain faithful to each other. William’s dad, of course, had an affair with Camilla, and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman.

  It’s said that Kate Middleton is from the lower classes, but her ancestry ca
n be traced all the way back to the Duke of Norfolk. Her grandparents shagged on the pool table in there. If the British royal family keep marrying outside the aristocracy it won’t be long before they’ll hardly have any German blood left in them.

  Obviously there will be a lot of pressure on Kate – although, in fairness, unless she shits on a war memorial she’ll always be more highly regarded than Fergie.

  Remember what happened with William’s parents, though. Charles broke Diana’s heart. Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let’s not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I, for one, was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat.

  Prince Charles gets praise in the Daily Mail for the way he’s brought up William and Harry since the death of Diana. Eh? For years a single parent living mainly on state handouts? Has the Mail gone nuts? I don’t think Charles should become king. His youngest brother should get a go, just so the Archbishop of Canterbury could say, ‘I crown you King Edward,’ put a huge nob of butter on his head, cut him open and stuff him full of tuna.

  The Queen made a historic visit to the Republic of Ireland. Large crowds turned out to welcome her. It must have been a cold day as they were all wearing balaclavas. Sales of Union Jacks there have gone through the roof. Along with sales of paraffin and disposable lighters.

  It was the first trip there by a British monarch since her granddad, George V, popped over there a hundred years ago for a shooting weekend and bagged four navvies and a priest. Don’t know what he did for them not to be allowed back for so long. Maybe he got one of the Nolans pregnant. An abandoned suitcase was found near the Queen’s route but the police kept the public at a safe distance, just by putting a Big Issue seller next to it. Royals remain highly vulnerable to bombs, especially Camilla, who might stampede.

  Bombs in Ireland are, of course, reminiscent of the 1980s, but everything else was much different back then. There were loads of cuts, Colonel Gaddafi was our enemy and you wouldn’t trust the government as far as you could throw a soggy mattress up a spiral staircase. Security was very tight yet, despite this, Prince Philip still managed to slip his minder and ask a passer-by how much they’d charge to tarmac his driveway. Ireland is really struggling with the recession. In fact, things have got so hard it’s now the only place in the world that doesn’t have an Irish bar. Ah well, what’s 800 years of exploitation between friends? Especially when she wore such a lovely hat.

  Prince Andrew is an ambassador for International Trade and Investment for the UK. In the current climate, that means he shakes a collection tin as tourists pass through Heathrow. He refused to quit, despite his links with a convicted paedophile. A member of the royal family shouldn’t be making us look stupid overseas. That’s clearly the job of the SAS, the MOD and Jordan. I find the reports about this billionaire paedophile highly upsetting. To think I got palmed off with lousy fruit pastilles.

  The Sun referred to Jeffrey Epstein as the ‘Paedophile Billionaire’. Is that like a new version of that Channel 4 show, ‘The Secret Millionaire’? Every episode ends with a guy saying, ‘I have to reveal I’m not really a binman. I’m a billionaire and I’d like to offer you this cheque – in exchange for your kids.’ It reminds me of the old children’s rhyme. Ohhhh … The grand old Duke of York, he had ten thousand friends. Not one of them what you might consider babysitting material. Perhaps all paedophiles should be forced to have celebrity friends. It’d be an end to them being able to loiter anonymously around school gates. ‘Get in the car, kids, quick! I don’t like the look of that man playing conkers with Bono!’

  Of course, it’s all Fergie’s fault. It’s Andrew’s friend, but everything must be Fergie’s fault. I had a rather uncomfortable bowel movement on Wednesday. I’m thinking of making her apologise for it on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Fergie took £15,000 pounds from Epstein. How many people would turn down 15 grand, no strings attached, because it came from a child abuser? I mean, many people give more than that every year to clothing companies who tie 6-year-olds to sewing machines. Fergie said, ‘I would throw myself under a bus for Andrew.’ He’d be very touched, if he knew what a bus was.

  What was Prince Andrew thinking? How can a man who had little contact or affection from his parents, who grew up with no purpose other than to be compulsorily placed in military school, who has no contact with normal humanity except when being paid to shoot at it … enjoy the company of someone like a paedophile? It just doesn’t make any sense.

  Andrew’s a man you could meet by attaching a £5 note to a length of string and leaving it outside Buckingham Palace. This sort of thing runs in the family. Beatrice is selling access to her mother for one of those giant bags of Maltesers. £500,000 to get access to Prince Andrew? Prince Edward is a little easier to get hold of. Here’s how. Step 1. Cut a 3-inch circular hole in a public toilet door. Step 2. Wait.

  Still, Prince Andrew is used to handling embarrassment. After all, he married Fergie. Fergie said she hates grown-ups and loves children. As you can get a lot more for kids on the black market. One journalist claims that she might have drunk more than was good for her. I’d love to see the offers she was making after a few more drinks. Three quarters of a million, sex with a corgi. Two million, sex with Diana. Fergie said she was embarrassed – well, that’s okay then. I’m not a solicitor, but I’m fairly sure that the penalty for lying for money and fraud is blushing. Why did people keep falling for the ‘fake sheikh’? Don’t celebrities read the papers? I’m going to throw on a tea towel, biro on a beard and see if I can’t get Holly Willoughby to dress up as Little Red Riding Hood so I can pump her in my wolf costume.

  Andrew also met with Saif Gaddafi. A man who lives in a palace while his people struggle in poverty. God knows why Saif Gaddafi agreed to meet him. Luckily, the Queen was warned of developments before they hit the papers, allowing Prince Philip to be extensively restrained with cable ties before being read the Daily Telegraph. Actually, the Queen’s been surprisingly supportive. I hear she’s even offering to pay for a stress-busting mini-break for Andy and Fergie at the Paris Ritz, inclusive of a driver.

  Apparently Prince Philip’s keen to buy iPads for all at the palace. After hearing about the manufacturing process, he’s realised it’s the most effective way of making Chinamen suffer. The Queen is actually a lot more technologically savvy than people give her credit for. Apparently, she knows her way not just round an iPad and iPod, but also the computerised braking system of a top-of-the-range Mercedes.

  The Queen’s also on Facebook. Members of the public won’t be able to poke the Queen, which is only fair as members of the royal family are not allowed to poke members of the public, not unless they want to die in a car crash. How are you supposed to know if it’s the real Queen and not someone that’s pretending to be her? For all we know, her profile could have been set up by some family of German and Greek impostors.

  She’d better watch she doesn’t post on Facebook when she’s next having a garden party. Buckingham Palace could end up being gatecrashed by 5,000 ambassadors and heads of state that she hadn’t invited. They’ll be drinking all her booze, drawing moustaches on all the portraits and having sex on her bed under a big pile of robes.

  Despite being on Facebook, you cannot be the Queen’s friend. That’s because you are a fucking idiot who works in a factory for the minimum wage. Even the people who you work with, de-beaking chickens 18 hours a day, don’t want to be your friend.

  Whether or not she uses it, the Queen is apparently well aware of Facebook. I bet she thinks six postage stamps are a Facebook.

  The Queen’s staying on the stamps. Thank God. They’re just the right size for my boy to stick on each side of his hamster’s head so we can play our new game, ‘Justice and revenge’, by taping a picture of Diana’s head onto the cat. Does it matter? If she wants to stay popular surely she just needs to try a little harder, perhaps taking her inspiration from the insect world. I’m sure we’d all have a little more respect for monarchy if
a tour of Buck House included feeding her syrup as she relentlessly pumped babies out of her giant, distended, translucent abdomen.

  We’re told the Queen costs us all 62p a year. I don’t begrudge her it but, to be honest, usually when I give someone 62p I expect them to at least do a silly dance and try to sword-swallow two-thirds of their Big Issue. Is it just me or do you reckon she could get it down to 58p if she went on the game? I know 62p isn’t much, but I’d still like to offer the job out to tender. Who knows – we might find the Tarasewicz family from Warsaw are willing to do the job for 50p. And the value of Buckingham Palace would go up from them building an extension and laying a patio.

  The Windsors claim to have got their expenditure down by a couple of million. It’s going to be a hell of a shock for them when that 26 grand limit for families living off the state kicks in. The Queen has embraced the economic downturn and made dramatic cuts to the royal travel budget. If things get much worse, they could be forced to travel in first class. The government are making cutbacks on health services, and yet we are still funding the royal family? Soon, you’ll go to the doctor’s to be told, ‘You have a choice of treatments for your daughter’s leukaemia … Prince Charles can make her a nice cup of fennel tea, or the Queen can put her out of her misery by breaking her neck.’ The royals should be given out to old people who don’t have a family of their own – like rescue cats. ‘I’m looking after the Queen, you know. Sometimes I look in her eyes and it’s almost like she’s human.’

  They’re printing a lot of new fivers. If they want to encourage people to save, they could make the Queen’s image just a bit different on each one. Then they’d be collectable. And if you had a load you could make them into a flicker book. Maybe she could end up naked. No, let’s not be crude; just one tit out.