"He’s changed. I’ve changed. He’s perfect for me."
"You know nothing about him!"
"I know more about meditation than you do. The rest I can learn."
"Please, Georgina, stop this folly!"
Georgina tossed her blonde curls arrogantly. "He’ll be mine by June, you mark my words."
Ellen glared at her. "So he isn’t yet? And by June, you say? My, you must be losing your touch. Time was when you could spread your legs in five minutes and they’d all sniff around you like a pack of mongrels. But then that’s what happens to a bitch in heat."
Georgina would have slapped her, but Ellen blocked Georgina’s blow and twisted her arm behind her back just as Ash had taught her.
"Don’t even try it. Or I’ll make sure your hands are so crippled your beaux won’t have any use for you any more."
Ellen flung her sister onto the bed, grabbed her gown out of the wardrobe, and slammed the door behind her. And went back to her room to stare at the woman in the mirror, whom she scarcely recognised.
Ash returned to Somerset a fortnight after Ellen had arrived home. Immediately he was back on his rounds, but knew untold frustration when he called repeatedly at Jerome Manor and found only Georgina there.
Of course, his visits soon came to Ellen’s attention, but with no note or message for her, she simply assumed that the worst had happened, and Ash was calling on her sister.
Georgina was also not content with containing his supposed attentions to the house. She took to following him and supposedly happening to run into him. Ellen caught sight of them around the district several times.
Finally Ash lost patience, and went to Stone Court, where he had been told Ellen had been seen several times. His heart sank when she received him stiffly, with none of the warmth or lover-like tenderness which had grown up between them with each passing day they had been in London.
"Forgive the presumption, but it’s been weeks since I’ve seen you," Ash said in an agitated tone as he stepped up to kiss her hand.
"I’ve been busy looking after little Jo and my mother," she returned coolly.
"I miss you, Ellen," he declared earnestly, his golden eyes glowing.
She said nothing, but stepped out through the French doors onto the terrace at the back of the house so they would not be overheard.
"Missed me so much that you wrote to me?"
"Every day when I was in London. Sometimes twice! You never even did me the courtesy of replying! Surely I deserve better than that, no matter what reason you think you might have to be angry with me."
She was stunned, but not to be deflected. "Missed me so much that you visited me at Jerome Manor?"
"And got your wretched sister every time. I don’t suppose anyone thought to tell you I’ve been calling two or three times a day for weeks now?" he said angrily. "Or have your servants all been instructed to lie and say you’re not at home?"
"No, never! That little cow!" she hissed under her breath despite herself.
"So she’s been deceiving us both?" Ash asked calmly, looking for any sign of dissimulation.
"Making me think there was something between you," she admitted in a small voice.
"No, never. I want only you, Ellen," he said urgently, all his hurt and anger evaporating. "Georgina can go to blazes—"
"But you were kissing her at the ball—"
"She kissed me. I had nothing to do with it. I dragged her off me as soon as I could, and by the time I got back to the pillar, you’d all left the ball and I had no chance to explain."
"And what was going on outside my room that night?" she demanded.
"I was trying to get in to see you, speak to you for five minutes, just as we had arranged. Don’t you remember? And because I was worried when you just vanished like that. I feared you were ill.
"But Georgina blocked my way. She must have been sharing the room with you. She made it seem, well, dirty, depraved, with the things she said. As if I was interested in her, not you. So I decided to leave it until morning rather than risk making a scene at the Duke's house in the middle of the night.
"Then we got called out by Antony Herriot for an emergency at the crack of dawn the next morning. By the time I got back from the clinic you were gone. I've been writing to you ever since, have tried to see you, but nothing! Please, bellive me when I say how much I've missed you, wanted to be with you, but duty called. Don't let her cunning and a couple of misunderstandings spoil what we have between us."
Ellen gazed into his golden eyes, and all her anger and resistance melted away. "Oh Ash, I’ve missed you too," she said with a sigh. "So very much."
"Then why did you not write, contact me, come to visit," he beseeched.
"Because I thought you were busy. I’ve seen you several times, on your rounds, and, well, you were with Georgina every single time."
"I swear to you, it seemed to be by accident. But it's clear now that she’s lied and deceived us both. We know what she’s like. Please, don’t let her drive a rift between us because of her cunning."
"I don’t want her to. In fact, of late I’ve been thinking of very little else other than us being together."
His eyes brightened. "Really? For so have I. Ellen—"
Her heart lurched in her chest. "Let’s walk," she suggested breathlessly.
They strolled down the path in silence, making for the rose garden.
Ellen knew she was poised on the brink of the most momentous decision of her life. She took a deep steadying breath and turned to face him, gazing up into his handsome face earnestly.
"Ash, I need to ask you something."
"Anything, Ellen. Anything. I’m just so glad you’re speaking to me."
Ellen jumped off the cliff at last. "Ash, would you— Would you consider taking me as your mistress?"
Chapter Twenty
Ash’s sucked-in breath at Ellen's suggestion that she become his mistress betokened a welter of emotions. She could see them cross his face in an instant: surprise, pride, and some anger.
He stared at her for a time, completely nonplussed. What on earth had happened to cause her to behave so precipitately? Georgina? Or was there something more?
He saw her eyes swerve away from his, then come to rest on his face once again. She was nervous, but also not willing to back down.
He was delighted, intrigued, and struggling to remain in control. She not only returned his feelings, she was willing to act upon them.
Ash would have loved nothing better than to take her to his bed if he could be sure she cared about him and would not regret it. If he could be sure she wanted him forever the way he wanted her.
But they seemed to be talking about two different things. For Ellen appeared to be driven by an uncontrollable urge, whereas his own had been firmly held in check despite his increasing desire and fascination for the lovely young woman.
He had to be very, very careful now. To mishandle her proposition at this juncture in their relationship might be to lose her forever. That prospect made him almost sick with apprehension.
So he said cautiously, "I’m very flattered, Miss Jerome. Ellen. I've never had such an honest and generous offer before in my life. It is not one I am ever likely to forget.
"It's also not one I can take lightly. I’m so sorry, my dear, if you’ve made this offer because you feel you have to. That I expect it from you. Our little explorations of sensuality have been for your benefit in the main. I apologise if you think you've become obligated to me in some way. That was never my intention-"
"That’s not why at all!" she protested, mortification reddening her features.
So far so good. "I am of course delighted that you should think highly enough of me to trust me with your most voluptuous person. But I can’t possibly consider taking a mistress at this time. Indeed, ever. I thought I had made my beliefs clear. The woman I give myself to will be the most special woman in the world who deserves an absolute commitment from me for a lifetime, not a me
re collision of bodies, a roll in the hay as the parlance goes."
"Is that what you think I’m asking for?" she gasped. "A quick quiddle?"
"If not, then what are you asking for?" he questioned quietly.
She turned away from him slightly and flapped one hand at her side. "I well, I don’t know. I suppose a, a time to get to know each other, see if we’re compatible, er, that way. Then, oh Lord, marriage I suppose, if we are."
"So you wish to become my mistress first, and can envisage yourself married to me at some point?" he asked gently.
"Yes, no. Oh Lord, I’m not sure-" Ellen said, not knowing where to look. "I mean, not that I’m not sure about you," she hastened to add when she saw something dark spark in his eyes. "I mean I’m not sure about marriage. Everything it entails."
"The physical side?"
She nodded. "That puzzles me, and yes, it would be solved if I did become you mistress. But I meant the rest of it. The, the intimacy of day to day living, sharing. I thought I knew what marriage was until I met you."
"What makes you say that?" Ash asked with a small smile.
She put one hand up to her brow. "I thought it would be duty and well, tolerance and forbearance of a man in my life. Leaving Millcote in all likelihood and setting up home elsewhere. Calls and balls and knitting and mending and raising children." She removed her hand with a dismissive gesture.
"Wouldn’t marriage be all those things?"
"Well yes, but I think it would also be a great deal more."
"Such as?"
She shrugged. "Excitement, nuturing, tenderness. A real meeting of minds and hearts. Desire, passion. The white hot heat I feel inside me at last being quenched, but stoked to a burning brilliance once more," she admitted, hardly able to grasp the words which were now coming out of her mouth so eloquently.
"Hmm, it seems you’ve learned your lessons well indeed. Yes, I would like to think my marriage can be all that and more when I decide to wed. But I had not ever thought to meet someone I would care to marry so soon. We're both young. Do you think that we have enough in common to be able to sustain a long and lasting relationship?"
Ellen considered his words seriously despite her shock and embarrassment over the turn the conversation between them had taken.
"Yes, I think we do," she said at length. "We like many of the same things, enjoy each other’s company. I love being with you. When we’re in the same space together, it’s like, like being on fire. Melting, blending into you. When we dance, when we sit side by side. When our eyes meet across a crowded room, and I feel as if there’s no one else there with me except you.
"You once said women were a mystery. I think men are. No, not men. You. You are, Ash. I think I could spend my whole life discovering you, and still find something to fascinate and puzzle me."
He smiled. "Nicely said, dearest. But what about the physical? We might not be compatible. Thus far all we’ve done is talked and touched lightly, shared a few harmless moments of pleasure. There is so much more to intimacy. You might find me repellent in that regard."
She gazed at him incredulously. How could he possibly think anyone would not want him? "Nay, I’ve never met anyone I find more attractive. You’re spectacular from head to toe. Just one touch of your hand even though your gloves is like a warm bath flooding through me."
He gave a slightly smile, then offered his hand for them to walk on. "A lovely comparison. But there is the intimacy and the question of a child. Have you not thought of the consequences if we were to become physically involved with one another? Do you even want to be a mother? Raise a family?"
She halted at that, and he hastened to say, "Not every woman has to, you know. Would you want a family immediately, or choose to wait some time, so that we could concentrate on learning about each other as a couple? And how would you feel if we had a side-slip, as the phrase goes?"
She tilted her head to one side and looked up at him thoughtfully. Her heart was sure of this as well. "I love children. I can see you do too. No one could be more gentle with your brother and sister, not even their own parents.
"I would like any child I have to be born in wedlock only because I know how hateful people can be. How hard his or her life would end up if he or she were not. But any baby I had would be as loved as I have been. Nay, even more s, for now I know what it is to love and be loved, and as you said that begets still more love."
His heart lurched in his breast. Was she saying she loved him after all?
"Yes, but a child from your lover? It would be something which would bind us together forever." Then he scowled. "Unless of course you believe I’m the kind of man who would just walk away from his responsibilities."
She shook her head and moved restlessly up the path, leaving him to follow along behind. "No, not at all! I can see how wonderful you are with your siblings, with every child you meet. You’re truly a marvel, the best man I’ve ever known."
His eyes sparked at the warm regard she was bestowing upon him with her every word. So far, so good, but he still had to proceed cautiously.
It was very sudden, but all of his wishes seemed to be his for the asking if he could just be patient a little while longer. This opportunity surely had to be a gift from the gods. He simply could not turn it down without risking sending her fleeing. The only question was, what price would he have to pay to win such a wife as this?
"So if I understand you correctly, that you trust me, care about me, and regard and esteem me highly—" He paused strategically.
"Yes, yes to all those things," she said breathless.
"In that case, may I ask why, if you think so highly of me, you’re asking to be only my mistress? Why not my wife?"
Her mouth flew open. "Oh, no, I couldn’t-"
"Why not?" he asked calmly, though his stomach was churning. He forced himself to breathe deeply.
"Because I don’t think your feelings are that way inclined-"
His brows lofted heavenward. "So I would be happy to bed you but not to wed you, is that I?" he said almost angrily. "Is that your opinion of me? I thought you said we were friends." He turned and began to head back toward the house now.
She had to run to catch up with him, and grip his arm to halt his progress.
"We are friends, Ash! That’s why I can’t imagine you wanting to marry me. I mean, you’ve never even kissed me properly."
"You’ve never kissed me, Ellen."
She shook her head, dazed at the very notion. "But ladies don’t-
"Darling girl, I am quite sure ladies do. And I hope you will. You know I can’t touch you, much as I long to. Not after the way we met. What sort of man would I seem to you if I did?"
She stared at him, acknowledging the truth of his words. "So that’s why…"
He nodded. "Indeed. Not because I found you lacking in any way, but because I was respecting your person and feelings." "I see. What a fool I've been, expecting you to act like everyone else, when the crucial difference is that you really do care about me, and are not selfish and grasping."
"I had hoped you could come to me of your own free will, that we could gradually get to know one another. I never imagined you were going to make me such an offer right out in the open like this. I had hoped for a proper kiss or two outside of a mud bath at least before we got straight to the bed stage."
"Oh God, I’m a fool, and a whore just like Bridges said," she cried, flushing with mortification and now beginning to flee back towards the house herself.
He shook his head pityingly and reached out to stay her with a gentle hand. "No, darling, you just don’t understand what it is you’re asking for. So why don’t we back up and start again?"
She looked at him tearfully, but at least she did not try to run away again.
He stepped back to remove his jacket, and spread it on a nearby garden bench for her to sit upon.
Wearied from all of her tumultuous emotions, she complied.
When they were settled on the bench he t
ook her hand carefully.
"You’ve managed to tell me some of what you’re thinking and feeling about me, so why don’t we leave aside questions of mistress versus wife for the moment. I know you've been quite brave, so I'm asking you to be so again, just a little bit further."
"All right, I can try." She steeled herself as if waiting for a kiss or caress, but he simply settled more comfortably in the seat to look at her.
"Good. So, being very brave now, and trusting me with the workings of your inner most heart and soul, tell me what you want, Ellen. Really want, more than anything in the world. The absolute truth, though. Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Tell me what’s really in your heart and on your mind."
The Rakehell Regency Romance Series Boxed Set 5 Page 55