4d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Tim finally got the shield loose. He turned around to look at Dave. Dave’s face was riddled with parallel sets of bleeding claw marks in every direction. He looked like he’d been attacked by a whole gaggle of cats. Still, they were superficial wounds compared to what a lot of creatures in the C&C world could dish out.

  “Don’t be such a baby. I think a Zero Level Heal spell should take care of that.” Tim knew he didn’t have to tell a cleric when or how to use his own healing magic. Dave had only neglected to do it so far so that he could show off how much he’d sacrificed for the good of the team. As if they were going to give him a fucking Purple Heart for punching out a cat.

  “My shield!” cried the Grand Wizard. His nose must have still been clogged with shit, because he sounded like he had a cold. “You must give it back! I need it to control the wights!”

  “I know, asshole. That’s why I took it away.”

  “But you don’t understand. I was keeping them at bay until after we’d talked. In retrospect, that seems unwise.”

  “I hear you, buddy,” said Cooper.

  “I was lonely.” The wizard looked at Tim with pleading shit-caked eyes. “They’ll be coming for all of us now. Dozens of them! You must return my shield!”

  “Fuck no,” said Tim. “If we need it, we’ll use it ourselves.”

  The Grand Wizard shook his head. “The shield will only serve one master per day. I’ve already used it today. It’s powerless in your hands.”

  “Well you’re a Grand Wizard. You can just Fireball them or some shit.”

  “I’ve depleted my magical energy for the day.”

  “You used up all your spells? Doing what?”

  The wizard frowned. “Entertaining myself, mostly. It was getting late, and I wasn’t expecting visitors.”

  “Can’t you just jerk off like a normal person?” Tim focused on his Sense Motive skill, and judged the wizard to be telling the truth, with regard to the danger they were all in as well as with his lack of spells. “Get off of him, Cooper.”

  Cooper let one last fart squeak out before standing up.

  The Grand Wizard sprang to his feet and rushed to the altar. The fire had died down, leaving behind the broken twisted remains of an oil lamp. The spellbook had been completely consumed.

  “My book!” said the Grand Wizard between sobs. “All that time and money, wasted!”

  “I’m sorry,” said Julian. “You didn’t leave me any choice.” He placed Mr. Whiskers’s still-unconscious body on the altar in front of the wizard.

  “How did you do that, anyway?” asked Tim.

  “The same way you did. I sent Ravenus to go swipe a lamp from those guys. I figured the guy with the spear would need to put down his lamp while he was fighting. How’d you know about the shield?”

  Tim laughed. “That was simple. What the fuck else is this gangly asshole going to use a shield for? He’s no necromancer. He’s just a shitty illusionist who got in over his head playing with evil power he’s too stupid to under–”

  “NYEEEEEEGGGGHHHH!” cried Julian’s magical horse, which had wandered away from the fire. Undead hands gripped it by the throat. The horse’s large brown eyes were wide with terror. The wight’s cold blue eyes shone with sadistic glee.

  “Shit!” said Tim. “They’re here.” He passed the shield to Julian. “Keep this away from him, but don’t put it on. It might be evil.” He fired his crossbow, hitting the horse, which vanished from the wight’s grip.

  Julian glared at Tim. “Evil, huh?”

  “I was aiming for the wight, asshole.”

  Julian aimed his open palm at the wight.

  “Don’t,” said Tim. “We can handle them as long as they’re coming one at a time. Save your spells for when we need them.”

  The wight ran at them, its slobbering tongue wagging out of its mouth.

  Cooper rushed up to meet it first, swinging his greataxe upward into the creature’s undead junk. “Fuck you!” The axe tore up into the wights crotch, easily through the pelvic bone, up into its intestinal area.

  It didn’t seem fazed as it wrapped its dead hands around Cooper’s neck.

  Cooper croaked, “Fuuuuuuuuuuck!”

  Dave waddled up and swung his mace as hard as he could into the wight’s back. “Hiyah!”

  The wight let go of Cooper’s neck, slid down his chest, and collapsed into a pile of gore at his feet.

  Cooper massaged his neck. “Hiyah? What the fuck was that? Toddler karate?”

  “Screw you, Cooper. I just saved your ass. The least you could do is show a little –”

  “Hey guys?” said Julian. “Where’s the Grand Wizard?”

  Tim looked back at the altar. Both the Grand Wizard and Mr. Whiskers had disappeared. He scanned the surrounding area. Nothing but illusionary fire as far as he could see. The fire was transparent, but not completely so. At a distance, it had the same effect as a light fog, and Tim noticed that he couldn’t see the edge of the pit. What he could see, however, were wights stepping out of the fire-fog from every direction.

  “He probably turned invisible,” said Tim. He waved his dagger in wide arcs all around him, but sliced nothing but air. Julian, Cooper, and Dave waved their quarterstaff, axe, and mace around likewise, like blind murderers. Their efforts revealed nothing while a dozen wights closed in.

  “We’ll give you the shield,” Tim called out. “Keep the wights back and we’ll work something out.”

  “No,” said Julian. “I have a spell for this.”

  “If you summon another goddamn horse, I’ll –”

  “Glitterdust!” Julian threw his hands in the air like a birthday party magician.

  The air around them was suddenly thick with sparkling glitter. Tim could feel it in his ears and nose. It stung his eyes, nearly to the point that he couldn’t –

  “What the fuck?” said Cooper. “I can’t see anything!”

  Tim blinked until he could see Cooper stumbling around, covered from head to toe in glitter, like a drunk Vegas hooker. “Well don’t worry. You look fucking fabulous.”

  “I forgot about that part of the spell,” said Julian, who was tapping the ground in front of him with the bottom of his quarterstaff. “Can anyone see? Where’s the Grand Wizard?”

  Tim looked around for a human-shaped mass of sparkles, but only saw Dave kneeling next to the altar. “He’s not here. He’s fucking gone.”

  “That’s impossible,” said Julian. “There’s nowhere he could have –”

  “Look at this!” said Dave, still seemingly mesmerized by the altar. “The stone slab on this side of the altar isn’t catching any glitter.”

  Tim cocked his crossbow and peered through the glitter storm for wights. “What are we doing now? Reinforcing gay stereotypes? Who gives a shit about the interior décor of a goddamn garbage pit? If you haven’t noticed, we’re outnumbered at least three to one, and two of us are fucking blind.”

  “I don’t think it’s real,” said Dave. He pushed on the wall, and his leopard-furred forearm disappeared into the stone. “It’s a secret door!”

  No time to think. Tim would take what he could get. He grabbed Julian by the arm and led him to the altar. “Come this way, Cooper! Follow my voice.”

  As soon as Dave’s last boot disappeared into the stone, Tim guided Juilan’s head in, then went back for Cooper.

  Cooper banged his head twice on the top of the altar, but managed to duck under the lip on his third try.

  Tim didn’t like the idea of following Cooper’s ass so closely with his own face, but he liked the idea of being mauled by a horde of sparkling wights even less. He slipped into the secret passage and breathed a sigh of relief when the wights didn’t follow.

  A wooden stairwell led down to an earthen tunnel, supported by rough wooden beams, like an old mine tunnel. At the bottom of the stairs, a glittery Cooper shimmered in the faint glow of a small Light stone hanging from the ceiling by a short length of twine.

  “Are you okay
?”

  Cooper groaned. “I’ve been better.”

  “Where’s everyone else?”

  “How the fuck should I know? I’m blind.”

  “Keep your voice down. I’m going to go ahead. Follow along at a distance.” Tim followed the tunnel, keeping as quiet as he could. If Dave and Julian weren’t making any noise there might be a reason for that. Tim briefly considered that the reason could be that they were already dead, but that wasn’t a useful line of reasoning.

  It didn’t take long for him to reach the end of the Light stone’s radiance, and once again he found himself groping around in the dark.

  With one hand sliding along the tunnel wall, and the other stabbing the air in front of him with his dagger, Tim continued along until he saw a speck of light far off in the distance.

  With a goal in sight, he quickened his pace, stopping only once, when his arms got tired, to switch guiding and stabbing hands.

  When he finally made it to where the light at the other end of the tunnel was visible, he saw Julian standing at the bottom of a rusty iron ladder. His serape sparkled like a sequined ball gown. He was gazing vaguely in Tim’s direction, but obviously still blind.

  At the top of the ladder, Dave was poking his head through a hatch, the wooden cover of which was resting atop his helmet.

  “Psst,” said Tim.

  Julian looked suddenly alert, looking more specifically in Tim’s direction, but way over his head. He pressed his finger firmly over his lips, then beckoned Tim over. He waited a few seconds, then whispered. “We’re under Mung’s office. He’s in there chatting with the Grand Wizard.”

  Tim nodded. “I knew it. Those two assholes are in cahoots.”

  “Slow down. We don’t even know that there’s a conspiracy here. Dave’s ‘luring PCs to their deaths’ theory sounded a little far-fetched to me.”

  “Maybe it’s not that,” said Tim. “Maybe those two guys are acting on their own, looting the bodies of fallen mercenaries and selling their shit, you know?”

  “No, I don’t know. There’s absolutely no evidence to support that.”

  “Did you see any wights carrying weapons?”

  “No.”

  “Did you see any weapons lying around on the ground?”

  “No, but that doesn’t mean –”

  Tim cleared his throat. “I rest my case.”

  Julian frowned. “Did it ever occur to you that you and Dave are merely projecting your own callous disregard for others onto innocent people?”

  Tim balled up his little fists. “We should have killed the wizard while we had the chance.”

  “Of course, now that option’s off the table,” said Julian. “I mean, seeing as how we don’t know how far up this conspiracy goes.”

  Tim scratched behind his ear. “Hmm... That’s true. We don’t want to get mixed up in...” A realization dawned on him. “Goddammit, Julian. You and your fucking Diplomacy skill.”

  The sides of Julian’s sparkly mouth twitched upward slightly. “I assure you, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I’ve got a better idea anyway. We’ll hide out here in the tunnel until morning when we can use the shield, then go back out into the garbage pit, climb out over a wall, and sell this thing for a fuckton of money.”

  Julian nodded. “We’re taking away their white power and making some coin on the side. I think I can live with –”

  WRAAAAWROOOOOW

  “FUCK!” cried Dave as he fell off the ladder and landed hard on his back. Four deep parallel cuts oozed blood and glitter from his left cheek. With some effort, he placed a finger on his uninjured cheek and croaked out his incantation. “I... heal... me.”

  “What’d I miss?” asked Cooper, who had finally caught up to them.

  “Mr. Whiskers just kicked Dave’s ass again,” said Tim.

  Cooper snorted. “Awesome.”

  The hatch opened. “Who’s down there?” asked Mung.

  Tim frowned. “Also, we’re fucked.”

  To Tim’s surprise, the hatch closed again.

  Julian pulled back his serape, which had protected Ravenus from the worst of the Glitterdust spell. “Fly back out the way we came in,” he whispered. “There’s a fake stone or something.”

  “But sir, I can’t leave you to –”

  “If we get arrested, I’m going to need you on the outside.”

  Ravenus hung his head. “Very well, sir.” He flew off down the tunnel and vanished into the darkness.

  The hatch opened again. “Come on,” said Mung. “Get up here right now, and no harm will come to you.”

  Tim would have felt better if he hadn’t brought up harm in the first place. “How do we know we can trust –”

  A sound like a phone book being slowly ripped in half, accompanied by a rapidly expanding cloud of sparkles erupted from behind Cooper.

  “Fuck it. We’re coming up.” Tim started up the ladder. When he surfaced at ground level, he found that the hatch opened up under Mung’s desk.

  “What happened to you?” asked Mung. “Were you involved in some kind of pixie orgy?”

  “Sure,” said Tim. He didn’t want to put up with any bullshit any longer than he had to. “Listen, let’s cut to the –” He noticed that Mr. Whiskers and the Grand Wizard weren’t there. The room was completely empty but for Mung’s desk, and the half-full burlap sack sitting on top of it. “Are you here alone?”

  Mung shrugged. “Typical government understaffing. Why pay three men when you can pay one man to do three men’s jobs? You know how it is.”

  “Bullshit!” said Dave, huffing and puffing as he climbed out of the hatch. “I heard you talking to –”

  Tim pressed his heel down firmly on Dave’s sausage fingers.

  “Yaaaaaaah!” cried Dave.

  Tim eased up on Dave’s fingers. “My friend here thought he heard more than one voice coming from up here.”

  Mung frowned. “I’m auditioning for a play. I was practicing my lines.”

  “You see, Dave? He was practicing his lines.” Mung wouldn’t have told such a bald-faced lie unless he was really dumb, he thought they were really dumb, or he was laying down some heavy subtext that they were supposed to pick up on. Tim suspected a little from column B and a little from column C.

  The subtext in this case: Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit. If they could make it through the front door without making mention of the Grand Wizard or the little racket he and Mung were running, they would be allowed to live.

  “Right!” said Dave, nodding vigorously. “Practicing his lines.” He looked at Mung. “Well done, sir. You sure had me convinced.”

  “Are you guys insane?” Julian was crawling out of the hatch, blinking rapidly. His vision must have been returning. “What about your face, Dave? Mr. Whiskers scratched the shit out of you.”

  “My face is fine, Julian!” Dave licked his palm and rubbed the dry, glittery blood off his cheek. “See?”

  “Oh... um... okay.” Julian didn’t get the subtext as quickly as Dave, but at least he recognized that he should shut the hell up.

  Cooper came out of the hatch like he was riding a volcanic eruption and banged his head on the bottom of the desk. “Ow! Goddammit!”

  The bag atop the desk spilled over. Wight heads rolled out. One of the heads was covered in shit and missing its eyeballs.

  “Those are our heads!” said Tim.

  “I’m afraid not,” said Mung. “Those heads were turned in by the two gentlemen who arrived with you.”

  “Those thieving, lowlife sons of –”

  Julian nudged him with the shield. “It’s okay. Let’s let the man get back to his theater practice.”

  Tim nodded. “Right. Thanks for everything. Sorry we didn’t kill any wights. You win some, you lose some.”

  “Not so fast,” said Mung. “I see you’ve got a new shield there, elf.”

  Julian shrugged. “It’s a piece of junk. I found it in one of the scrap piles
. I thought I might paint a picture on it or something. You know.” He gave Mung a wide friendly grin, which Tim thought to be a bit much.

  “This wasn’t a treasure hunt. That’s city property.”

  Julian looked at Tim. Everyone in the room knew what that goddamn shield was. Mung was spouting that city property bullshit to keep within the subtext. Tim nodded for Julian to hand it over. What a fucking waste of a day.

  A noise came from the other side of the door that led out to the trash dump. It was something like a muffled scream or howl, followed by a thud. Tim pretended not to hear it.

  “What the fuck was that?” asked Cooper.

  “Nothing,” said Mung. He started herding them to the front door with his wide half-orc arms. “Thank you for coming. Feel free to come back anytime.” He slammed the door shut behind them.

  “What a fucking asshole,” said Tim.

  Julian smiled down at him. “Cheer up. I’ll buy you a drink.”

  “What the fuck are you so giddy about all of a sudden?”

  Julian pursed his lips. “That’s a good question. I don’t actually know.”

  Tim started walking toward Cardinia’s West Gate. “It’s your Empathic Link to that stupid bird, isn’t it? He’s probably off somewhere fucking a goose or something.”

  Julian called out toward the sky. “Ravenus?”

  “Right here, sir!” Ravenus’s voice was equally chipper and annoying. He flapped down and landed on top of Julian’s quarterstaff.

  “What are you in such a good mood about. Just happy to see us alive?”

  “Well there is that of course, sir. But there’s more.”

  Julian nodded. “Go on.”

  “That man in the black and red robes, the one with the cat.”

  “The Grand Wizard, yes?”

  “That’s the one, sir. He was in that safety cage, surrounded by wights who looked like they had personal grievances with him.”

  “They must remember who controlled them,” said Dave.

  “Well good for him,” said Julian. “I hope he’s learned a lesson.”

  “Oh he has indeed, sir,” said Ravenus. “You see, I pulled up the latch and opened the gate.”

  The giddiness of Julian’s facial expression vanished like a slaughtered magical horse. “Oh my god. We need to get out of here right now.”